navigating the Meatrack was much easier (Fire Island Black Out FIBO '10 Part II)

Click here to check out FIBO '10 Part I.

After sundown, basically everyone I knew was headed back to the city. As I was walking back from peeing off of a quiet part of the boardwalk (don't ask me why the hell I didn't just go in the Ice Palace), I ran into the Architect. Earlier, I'd texted the Architect to ask about crashing on a couch that night. He answered my text with a phone call about having a date, but it may not pan out, and this and that. Apparently, crashing on a couch is a big deal in the Pines (which is part of the reason why I'm not into that whole thing... people get so fucking touchy about their fabulousness).

Architect on the phone: "Yes, D. Kareem be the 12th for dinner."

Outside of running into KennyKennyKenny, who had bought a share in the Architect's house, dinner was pleasantly uneventful (but the chicken skewers were slammin'!). It was around 12:30 by the time I set out for the trek across the Pines, through the Meatrack, and into Cherry Grove. I was pretty sure I'd missed my handsome older gentleman at that point.

But I did end up running into the Latin guy I'd gone home with after the En Vogue concert in May of '09. I wasn't that into it, so we never ended up hooking up again (despite his constant texting and calling). And of course, he had nothing but dirty thoughts on his mind as soon as we ran into each other

We danced with each other, and he asked me if I wanted to go back to his place in the Pines. I politely and clearly declined. Then he offered to buy me a drink. And another. Honey, by the time he gave up and left, I was wasted!

I ended up hanging out with a white guy who was totally loving the attention he was getting from me and a couple of other black dudes. It was one of those situations that I was pretty sure wasn't gonna go anywhere, but I there was a chance of at least a good story out of it. We closed down the Ice Palace and walked him and his friend back to their place. As soon as they went inside, the 3 of us that were following him around dispersed in sparate directions without a word to each other. Luckily, it was pretty much daylight, so navigating the Meatrack was much easier than last time.

I crashed at the Architect's around 5, and my body wouldn't let me sleep a minute past 11. After playing who-in-the-house-is-on-Grindr, I realized I could catch the next ferry if I hustled to town.

On the LIRR back to the City, I took a seat on the upper level of the double-decker car. The car was basically empty, and a really hot black guy walked on not long after. He looked around at all the empty seats, sat across the aisle from me and smiled. I smiled back, but in my head, I was like . o O (Damnit! I'm starving, and all I have is this chicken sandwich from yesterday with shredded lettuce! Fuck it; I'm eating in front of him!)

I avoided eye contact until the last bite was gone. As I grabbed a water bottle out of my bag, we made eye contact again and smiled. As I was turning back, I took a swig from the water bottle and realized that I'd just swigged from the bottle of left-over vodka I'd packed for the beach. I don't think I made any type of noise, but I definitely spit the vodka back into the bottle (sandwich bits and all) and served Im-gonna-die face. Either the hottie was an amazing actor or he didn't notice.

Did I mention that when we changed trains at Babylon, he sat in a rather crowded section of the train in a 3-seater with someone already in one of the seats (I should have slipped him a business card for the blog so he could see me write about his ass)? Yeah.

Click here to check out the time I went to Fire Island and gave Colton Ford the shocker.


Note: you may find the "Topics of Discussion" on the right and the Cast of Characters to be of help in navigating this blog.

if he wants more, I'm giving it to him! (Fire Island Blackout FIBO '10 Part I)

After years of stories and you-gotta-goes, I finally trekked out to Cherry Grove for Fire Island Blackout (no relation). First the low-down, then the story.

Really, it seems to me that the best part is the beach. Get out there early-ish and see the bodies on the sand, especially if you're doing a day trip. If you need a break, the Ice Palace does a drag show. This year, Logan Slaughter and Dallas DuBois were a hoot!

I bought a $40 all-access pass, which entitled me to most of the parties, supposed discounts (I didn't really buy anything), and baggage storage. For me, it wasn't worth it. I had the most fun on the beach and ended up staying there til dark. I had my own alcohol, so I skipped out on the happy hour with $20 cover. The late-night party at the Ice Palace was fun and all, but I wouldn't say it was $30 fun. And the line for the bag storage was intimidatingly long. Maybe they were efficient, but I was glad I'd kept my stuff with me.

Next year, I'll probably do the beach early and maybe go to Tea in the Pines. Unless I find a distraction...

So the plan was to take the 11:10 train and get to the Pines for Prince of Persia's party before heading to FIBO in the Grove. I left my apartment about 13 minutes after I meant to, ran to the subway, and saw the A train leaving.

As I caught my breath on the platform, something made me look into my bag. I realized I had no speedo! I'd stuffed it in the top of my bag at the last minute, so I figured it must have fallen out on the street when I was running.

"The next Brooklyn-bound A train is 3 stops away."

I had a good 4 minutes. I ran back towards my building and saw my bright green and orange speedo in a bunch on the sidewalk. The one guy on the street gave me a funny look when I scooped it up and stuffed it in the bottom of my bag.

By the time the A train crawled it's way to 125th St, I figured it was worth the $20 for a cab to save the embarrassment of missing yet another train to Fire Island. Plus, it was a 2-hour wait til the next train that met up with a ferry to the island.

2 hours later, I was on a train out of Penn Station bound for the Sayville Ferry. And of course, my body decided it was hungry about 5 minutes before the 2.5-hour trip.

I stopped by the Ice Palace for the drag show, and the guy that all of us were obsessing over at Riis Beach the week before caught my eye. He smiled, put his hand on my waist and whispered in my ear, "I just wanna say, saw you at Riis last week, and your body is amazing." Of course, I froze. No number. No card.

Remember the guy who got my number at 3am on the way to the subway? He ran up to greet me on the beach. With a cigarette in his hand. Oh.

After a (very) short exchange with him, I found SciBearSex and his friends on camped out under an umbrella. There was much rolling of the eyes when he mentioned his date. Why would you bring sand to the beach?! Then I saw the sand. Wow.

Boys had shown up in by the hundreds, and I was loving it! I ran into a bunch of guys I knew, including super-hot Internet personalities Adam Irby and Corey Corey.

I made my way back to the Ice Palace to use the bathroom, and as I was walking out, this short black guy with wavy straightened hair and a fat ass covered only by a pair of knit squarecuts in Jamaican colors asked if he could get a shot of me.

I saw the SLR camera he pulled out of his bag: "Shit, you can do a whole photo shoot! I'm not missing anything out there!"

When he showed me the pictures he'd taken, I noticed the front of his rather loose knit shorts. Obviously, I'd done well as a swimsuit model (but then again, he was wearing Jamaican colors, okrrr!). I didn't have any cards on me, so he dug through his bag to find his phone. I was still in awe of his hair, and I figured the waves came from just having taken it out of cornrows. And as he was crouched down, I saw it: a track. It took all I had to not laugh my ass off as I gave him my number (to email the pics, obvi)!

While I was hanging out with SciBearSex and his crew, it became very obvious that I'd captured the attention of an older gentleman. A very handsome older gentleman. We introduced, we took pictures, we playfully felt each other up. Then he pulled out a plate of food! Secret: food is a much more direct way to my hear than alcohol.

"[Friend], I'm giving this sexy young man the last of your corn, just so you know... And do you want this last drumstick? Because this young gentleman is tearing though the one I gave him. And if he wants more, I'm giving it to him!"

Eventually, he and his crew left for the Belvedere Hotel, where they were staying. He said he'd be at the Ice Palace later. The only reason I didn't get his number or at least give him my card was because I'd already paid for this party, so there was a 100% chance I'd be there.

Did I mention you're gonna have to wait til the next post to find out what happened that night? Yeah.

Click here to check out my 4th of July Fire Island messiness.


Note: you may find the "Topics of Discussion" on the right and the Cast of Characters to be of help in navigating this blog.

The Shequida Show at Bar-Tini Ultra Lounge

I have to admit that the first-year-out-of-college excitement about Thursday nights only wore off in the last year or two. I mean, how many Campus Thursdays at Splash can one gay do in his lifetime without needing a z-pack prescription growing weary! Then came the Shequida Show at Bar-Tini Ultra Lounge (Resort, Hotel, Casino, and Daycare).

For those of you who don’t know, Shequida is a nightlife fixture in NYC. A Juilliard-trained opera soprano, she was half the brain behind the much missed DR!P pool parties at Grace Hotel. Also, in the mid-90s, she was played Wendi Mercury on One Life to Live and was USA Networks’ spokesperson for Latin America. And if you’ve ever heard of the name Jessye Normous: different persona, same person. She lip-synchs, she sings live, she dances, and she’s hot out of drag, too (call me, Gary)!

Bar-Tini (which will be much less teeny after their planned expansion) used to host the Shequida Show on Mondays, which is the absolute worst night for squares like me who party all weekend. So when I heard that the show was moving to Thursdays, I was elated as I’ve been impressed with Shequida’s performances in the past.

One of the most fun parts of Shequida’s show is her interaction with the audience. She doesn’t just break the 4^th wall, she plows it down with a glitter-covered bulldozer! Just don’t try to pull the I’m-foreign-I-don’t-understand trick: she speaks 7 different languages.

You never know who will show up at The Shequida Show. Fellow gender illusionist Britney Houston dropped in for the show. The girls had a friendly off-stage chat.

Shequida often features guest performers. The week I went, Jiggly Caliente graced the stage and performed to one of my favorite Christina Aguilera songs: “Vanity!”

Her wig looked fucking amazing! And correct me if I’m wrong, but I think I got video of her performing at Queens Pride ’09.

With Shequida on stage and Scotty Rox spinning pop tunes before and after the show (the genius pair worked together at DR!P), The Shequida Show is a Thursday night well spent. If you’re looking to be entertained by a true diva (in the literal sense), this is the show for you. If you’re looking for a cheap night out… well, the show is free (remember to tip your performers!), but at $9, Bar-Tini clocks in at the most expensive well drinks I’ve seen at an NYC gay establishment.

The Shequida Show

Thursdays at 11(ish)

Bar-Tini Ultra Lounge

642 10^th Ave (b/t 45^th & 46^th St)

Click here to check out an insanely fun week from last summer.

He'd better be wearing a jock strap! (NYC Black Pride 2010: Leather Party and Riis Beach)

On Saturday of Black Pride Weekend, I had gotten a text about a friend of a friend's house party from Bottomless Pitt, who had been in social exile. I figured I needed to see him for his alleged one night out.

The house party was kind of a mess, but we all migrated out to the awesome rooftop. Bottomless Pitt and I stayed until about 1 before we ditched for the Black Pride leather party at Rawhide. I'm not a fan of the bar after the incident during my last visit, but I really had to check out this event.

image from nycblackpride.com

When we arrived, we were immediately accosted by a shot boy in a harness and a loud, heavy-set queen (with a shirt on).

Heavy Queen: "Buy a shot!! Buy a shot! Buy a shot! Or gimme a dolla! Gimme a dolla!"

We couldn't stop laughing, but eventually Bottomless Pitt pulled it together enough to get us both a jello shot.

Pitt: "I have 2 ones or I have a 20 if you have change."

Shot Boy: "Hold on."

The shot boy turned his back to Bottomless Pitt and, without bending his knees, reached into his sock for a wad of bills.

Me: "Oh my god! He'd better be wearing a jock strap!"

Pitt: "He is."

Once Pitt got her change, the shot boy gave an encore show to put his money back into his sock, to which the Heavy Queen cackled: "Looks like you got bonus miles!"

As Pitt went to take her shot, the shot boy stopped her: "No, loosen it with your finger."

Pitt: "But I like to do it with my tongue."

Me: "Pitt, I think there's a reason she wants you to use your finger. Just go with it."

As soon as his finger made a loop around the edge of the tiny plastic cup, the shot boy took it in his mouth all the way to the knuckle. It took her plump lips at least 7 seconds to make it to the end of Pitt's finger.

After Pitt had (ahem) recovered from the Jello demo, we took a lean against the pool table to observe the local wildlife. An older white guy (in reasonable shape) literally crept across the bar, looking for any glimmer of interest from absolutely anyone. At one point, he slinked his way right by Pitt. As he wad passing, I pushed Pitt into the creepy guy’s arm. The guy saw this as a sign to post up next to Pitt and grab his waist. I was laughing too hard to see just how Pitt was able to get rid of dude so quickly.

Two minutes later, an older black guy came up to Pitt and without a word unbuttoned 2 buttons on her vest, adjusted her pecs, and gave a nod of approval. Did I mention Pitt wasn’t wearing a shirt under her vest? Yeah.

We ended the night at Barracuda, hanging with Scotty Rox and his friends by the DJ booth. I didn’t’ stay too long because I wanted to rest up for the beach on Sunday.

image from a Cabbage Boy's friends'
picasa page

Black Pride in NYC used to be a series of events in Brooklyn that wrapped up on Sunday with an event at Riis Beach (in the Rockaways in Queens) with vendors and live performances (I saw SWV and Cece Peniston my first 2 years). This year, there was no official Sunday beach event, but the queens all still come out in early August for a day on the shore. I met up with Tighty Whitey and took the A train out to the Rockaways. Not the most direct of routes, but certainly fewer transfers and less crowded.

As usual, it was a sea of towels, umbrellas and tents. Men and women were everywhere, showing as much skin as possible (I've never seen so many pierced breasts in my life)!

Me: "Cabbage Boy is out here with his people, but let's do a little hoe-stroll while we look for him: check out the scene."

I started off on the most round-about route possible so that we could get a good view of all the boys. And of course, we strutted for about 50 feet before we bumped into Cabbage Boy's group. They had spread out a queen-sized sheet and had an umbrella, a cooler, and a box of Popeye's chicken (let my people go!). As I introduced everyone to Tighty Whitey, I noticed an unfamiliar face in the clique.

I thought the new guy was just skinny, but it wasn't until someone made a joke about him being 12 that I took a close look at him. He was uncomfortably young. Like convincing-as-a-tall-14-year-old young. He claimed to be 18 (and Cabbage Boy obviously believed him the way he was 'helping him adjust his shorts'), but he something about him screamed ‘early adolescence’ to me. At one point, Cabbage Boy insisted that we get a picture together, telling us repeatedly to move closer. They thought I was making a joke when I said, "I think this is illegal."

so many websites one could reference...

But the boys were amazing in every sense of the word. Gender roles were a thing of the past to the boys in see-thru shawls over g-strings and women in baggy denim shorts and fitted caps. Every time someone hot or scandalous would walk by, everyone would yell at Cabbage and me to snap a photo.

After a while, the boys started to repeat, the sand started to itch, and the tide crept in a little to far. Tighty Whitey and I took our leave of the boys, and TW left with no fewer than 2 numbers. We decided to take the more direct 2 train back to the city, and I got out in Chelsea.

I dropped by Gym Bar for a drink (lately I've been going to Gym more often than the gym). When I arrived, I was happy to see a guy who’s been flirting hardcore with me. It got slightly uncomfortable when a long-time friend with benefits (whom I didn’t know was back in town) walked in just after a newer hook up. When an ex showed up, it was time to go.

Did I mention that the new Trader Joe's in Chelsea is the best excuse out of a possibly explosive situation? Yeah.

Click here to check out the last time I went to NYC Black Pride at Riis Beach.

Note: you may find the "Topics of Discussion" on the right and the Cast of Characters to be of help in navigating this blog.

"You're putting on quite a show." (NYC Black Pride: Friday Night, Thirst @ Roam)

Black Pride in NYC has been floundering since the dissolution of POCC in '08. But this year, they did have a number of events in Manhattan. At the last minute, I decided to go to the Friday night party, Thirst at Roam.

Roam (19th just east of 5th) is a cute venue: on the smaller side, but it has two floors. For the Thirst party, I arrived right before midnight and paid a $5 cover. It's open bar 10-11 and 2-4-1 11-midnight. Well drinks are $10. Security is everywhere, but I found the bar staff to be friendly. Nathan Williams, the promoter, greeted me as soon as I entered (then again, my "Beauty Is a Talent" shirt is always a conversation-starter). As with any black club in NYC, it's a late crowd. It was pretty packed by 1:30, but I'm not sure if that was because of Blake Pride or not. DJ MK plays a great mix of hip-hop, R&B, with a bit of pop thrown in. It was actually nice to hear Lil' Kim and Amerie instead of Lady Gaga (just for once night). And the go-goes: easily among the hottest I've ever seen.

My night started out innocently enough: dancing by myself and trying not to look awkward in my painted-on lilac skinny jeans and cowboy boots. The go-go was on a narrow stage attached to the back of the booths that lined the wall. A girl (RG) was sitting on top of one of the booths' backs, more or less at the feet of the go-go with her back to him. At one point, the go-go walked over to the RG and stepped over her so that his crotch was in her face, grabbing the back of her head. She started screaming and waving her arms, and after about 5 seconds, she made her whole body go rigid, slid though the go-go's legs and landed on the seat of the booth with a hard bounce. Her friend and I were literally on the floor laughing.

I bent over the side of the booth and said to them: "One of y’all owes the other some money, but I'm not sure which one!"

As I finished my quip, I felt a smack on my ass. I turned around wondering whom the hell I knew that would have showed up at a black-targeted event unprompted. When I turned around, this sloppily drunk Asian guy was grinning at me. I gave the being-polite-but-annoyed smile as I let him pass. Then he used his reading of my quite tight shirt as an excuse to feel me up. After I brushed his hand away (still wearing the annoyed smile), he slinked off to go harass the go-go.

Drunk Asian went to the same booth as the earlier RG incident, and the friend of the assaulted RG wasn't having it. He tried to get the go-go to get the Asian guy to go somewhere else, but the go-go just smiled, shrugged, and turned his attention towards Drunk Asian’s fluttering dollar bill. Drunk Asian refused to give the go-go the dollar, beckoning the go-go to come down lower than he was. The go-go made a face and gave a fuck-that gesture, strutting to the other side of the narrow stage.

After wondering whether I recognized a hot Latin daddy from the Scene or from online . o O (does he think I'm acting stank because I'm not saying hi?), I went downstairs to check out the scene. It reminded me of a lower-key version of Greenhouse with music I actually recognized. After about a half hour, I went back upstairs. Drunk Asian was still there trying to keep up on the back of a 3-way grind with 2 black guys who must have been trying to either ignore him or make him look as ridiculous as possible (they succeeded in the latter).

I turned around almost literally ran into my hook-up from Mardi Gras '08 in NoLa. Okay, one of my hook-ups. He looked so great, it almost made me forget how he handed me a bottle of water-based lube and took about an inch of my dick before cumming. Twice. We made small talk and danced with each other until he declared that he was going downstairs. I left about 2 minutes after.

I walked west on 23rd street in a shirt that barely covered my waist and pants that left little to the imagination. I turned on my iPod (only one of my headphones worked) and sang my way to 8th ave.

Just as I was getting to the train station, I heard: "You're putting on quite a show."

I turned around to find a slim but nicely-built light-skinned black guy behind me. Cute, too.

Me (taking out my headphones): "What'd you say?"

Him (grinning): "Nevermind.

I thought he was giving up on his icebreaker, so I smiled and walked towards the subway entrance.

Him: "Hey, what's your name?"

Did I mention I gave my number to a guy who picked me up on the street at 3am while I was dressed like a hustler from Phoenix, AZ? Yeah.

Click here to check out an embarrassing story from last summer.

Fun with Grindr: because I can totally balance out that cosmo you ordered… bro

Call me…

…because I can totally balance out that cosmo you ordered… bro.

…crap, he did! I’m guessing he’s not referring to actual procreation.

…because you remind me of Lindsay Lohan (just a little Fosse).

…because your brand needs my help: you’re marketing yourself as a fat, unemployed weirdo.

…because I have someone I want you to meet:

Hope you're ready to get wet, dude! And BTW, I only cut off half your head.

…because you're a clever, slutty drunk. And I’ve been known to appreciate a bit of TSWB syndrome.

…because I need you to stop giving away my secret.

PS, can you get me a discount to David Barton Nightlcub Gym? I'd recognize that lighting scheme anywhere!

Click here to check out more Fun with Grindr.

5 Ways to Get More Messages on Grindr

“God, Grindr must be acting up again. I haven’t gotten a single message since we walked in!”

In case you’ve been living under a rock for the past year, Grindr is a location-based app that allows users to chat with other nearby users. It’s listed as a social networking app, but it’s kind of hard to convince your boyfriend that your shirtless profile picture is the key to sparking platonic connections (yet several insist on trying).

Honest?

Did I mention it’s for gay boys? Yeah.

So you’ve downloaded the app. You’ve made your profile. You see all these guys within a few thousand feet (or meters in any other country... or miles for those of you in Brooklyn), but no one’s messaging you. WTF!

Okay, so maybe it’s not a problem with the application. I don’t wanna say there’s something wrong with your profile, but… er… perhaps there’s something that you could do differently to maximize your utility from this app.

Well, I can’t turn you into the hottie everyone flocks to (at least, not for free), but these 5 simple steps will help you take control of how you’re perceived in the Grindr world.

1. Change your profile picture

This sound simple enough, right? You post a picture so that guys see what you look like. But what are these guys actually seeing? Grindr displays profiles in a grid, and each picture is a square thumbnail. But when you tap on someone’s profile, it enlarges to… well, not-a-square. So you may have dazzling nipple piercings, but if they’re at the edge of your picture, they won’t show up in anyone’s grid. So when you pick a pic, make sure to check it as a thumbnail and as a full picture.

image taken from Grindr.com

Also, your favorite cute picture may not be the most effective. Messages come when guys tap your profile out of the 20 profiles that fit on their screens. You have to figure out what your target audience is looking for and give it to them. For example, I don’t get as many messages when I have just my face posted (tear). Even more tragic: my most popular picture was of me in a speedo, which is against Grindr’s puritanical TOS! So they made me choose a less revealing pic!

2. Change your profile name

Because I’m really not going to message CumDump81. Ever.

Screennames on Grindr don’t have to be unique (e.g., you can have more than one Ryan2009… which is great because I’m pretty certain Ryan didn’t think anything of his screenname until around Thanksgiving of ‘09. Dumbass.).

She serves carpet-drape realness, honey!

Your screenname is the only thing besides your picture that shows up in the grid. It doesn’t have to be witty, but that doesn’t hurt. A lot of people choose to leave it blank, which is much more safe than choosing an awful one.

3. Change your profile text

You have the option of filling in a headline and profile text. With newer profiles, they’re cutting the character limits way down, so be efficient with your words. Again, many choose to leave this blank. Others choose not to read the drivel you typed… mostly because they can’t deal with another “not looking for hookups” accompanying a headless torso shot. I’ve heard.

I’ve also heard that they’ll lose it if they see “I don’t bite…” accompanying anything!

looking with his nipples, obvi.

But make sure that if you do choose to write something here, it’s something useful to guys you’re trying to attract. Perhaps something that will spark a conversation (or a proposition if that’s your style). If I see “New to the city. Say hi!” I might ask you where you moved from and how long you lived in the city. If I see, “40 year old Latino guy. 6 feet tall, 160lbs. Good looking,” I’m gonna think, “That’s exactly what I read in your stats. And since when do you get to judge yourself as ‘universally’ good looking?!” Then I’ll probably take a screenshot and put you in a Fun with Grindr post.

But honestly, if he’s clicked on your profile, he’s already intrigued. At this point, it’s just a matter of not scaring him away or making him roll his eyes.

4. Message guys you like

Yes. Send him a message. I know, I know: it takes the pressure off when the guy takes the initiative and messages you first. Which is why he hasn’t messaged you first.

The guy in the first picture should take notes from this dude.

Not everybody’s gonna respond. And of those that do, some might be one-word answers (which means he’s really not that into you). But there will be guys who wouldn’t have messaged you but will be glad to chat with you. Find a way to get him talking about himself (it’s probably his favorite topic). Sometimes even a “Hey, how’s it going” can get the ball rolling.

And if you’re not interested in engaging someone beyond a sexual inquiry, then “Sup” can be a totally valid opener. Otherwise, try to use complete sentences.

5. Check your fucking spelling

Good spelling and actual use of punctuation will never hurt your profile. I'm the worst speller I know, but the iPhone has this nifty function where it will underline misspelled words in red! Stop ignoring it.

Note: half his profile focuses on his extensive education. Are YOU convinced?

A few tips:

• you’re = you are ; your = it belongs to you ; ur = I ran out of brain cells characters

• discrete means distinct (separate) and has nothing to do with subtlety -> mnemonic device: the Es are separated

• apostrophes are for contractions and to show possession. Even when you’re referencing letters or numbers (see bullet above)

• then = a reference to sequence or time (if you like me, then message me) ; than = a comparison (I like guys who are older than me)

And there you have it. Pretty basic, right?

1) Make sure your picture is distinctive in the grid, and check to see that your attention-grabbing features are presented both in the thumbnail and full versions.

2) Choose your screenname carefully, as it’s the only thing besides your thumbnail pic that shows up in users’ grid.

3) Make sure you reach your target audience via your profile text. No text is better than useless text.

4) Make the first move. It won’t work every time, but nothing makes your profile more noticeable to a guy than seeing that he has a message from you.

5) And check your spelling and grammar. I promise that basic English proficiency won’t make you look too smart to hook up.

I’m not saying these changes will flood your inbox, but they’re easy ways to take control of how you’re perceived when you sign on. And in the online world: perception is everything!

And just for kicks, here's the one Grindr profile that got me no messages (inspired by the Fire Island Invasion of the Drag Queens):

Ugh, people have no sense of humor.

Click here to check out my How-To series on Online Dating and Hook Ups.