What, you don’t piss in the shower? Well, you should.

Click here to read Part 1.

Boris locks up the motorcycle, and we go into Gym Bar. Turns out the guy he’s meeting up with used to go to my gym! Totally didn’t get a how you doin’ vibe from him, but he was definitely a fan of Boris. And guess who else Boris knows? Lucky the Leprechaun, the same bartender at Gym that one of my exes is best friends with. How do I always get into these situations at Gym (remind me to tell you about the time there were 4 ex incidents at the same time there)?! Luckily, it wasn’t awkward at all. I sipped my cranberry juice while they had their beers *no applause*, and it was all very friendly. Lucky even chopped us up some cucumber slices and baby carrots to munch on.

Boris and the hottie from the gym ride off to dinner in the E.Vil somewhere (though dinner could have not involved food at all), and I decided to take a look at the shops along the Catwalk while I waited for Bottomless Pitt to come west. Half an hour later, the two of us make our entrance onto the roof deck of The Eagle.

“So, do you PNP?”

“PNP?” (as if Bottomless Pitt didn’t know what the fuck that meant)

“You know, party and play.”

“Not really.”

“Oh, well have you ever?” God, this random is creepy. “Do you know where I can find some snow or some rock?”

I had no interest in talking to this scary dude, but I just had to interject at this point: “Wait, what is rock?” I really hope he’s not talking about what I think he is.

“Crack, man. Rock is crack!” I knew white people did crack, but I thought that shit was in old broke-down mill towns (hi, Lewiston, Me… go Bates!).

The guy ends up giving Bottomless Pitt a beer and about 10 minutes of awkward conversation until he wanders off to look for his “friends”. Maybe he shouldn’t spend his child support money on drugs (oh yes, he told Bottomless Pitt about his 4 kids already).

The next tragedy to impose himself upon us told us within 10 seconds of meeting us, “I live on Long Island in my mother’s basement.” He instantly tries to convince us to take our shirts off. “If you and your friend do, we will.” Mama’s boy did without hesitation (unfortunately, he’d been spotted more at the bar than the gym). He friend was a bit more reserved (read: sober); however, bystander volunteered his shirt. I’m not one for tops anyway, so I relented with Bottomless Pitt.

“Hey, do you ever piss in the shower?” I’m sorry? “What, you don’t piss in the shower? Well, you should. It’s great; you don’t even need to hold it.” He puts his hands on his hips and starts sort of swinging back and forth. “Is that what you do when you’re peeing in the shower?”

Oh. My. God.

"Dude!” I say to him, seeing a guy in his 60s coming by us. “I need you to bend over in 3… 2… now!” Mama’s Boy hits dude right in the crotch with his (surprisingly nice) ass. And he just stays there until the guy moves by him, unphased.

“Do you wanna smell my armpit?” This is why I love going out with Bottomless Pitt. Nobody else I know gets asked questions like this. “Come on, dude. I’ll smell yours!” “Yeah, Pitt! Do it. Just sniff his armpit,” I chime in. Miss Pitt was not having it.

Eventually Mama’s Boy stumbled to Penn Station, and we took that as our cue to leave. Did we go home? Pssh, you act like you’ve never read this blog before (welcome, if you haven’t)! We went to Chi Chi’s.

Bottomless Pitt orders a mimosa, but they’re still out of champagne from the last time she attacked the bar, so she gets a vodka soda instead. Out of nowhere, this short, balding white guy comes up to Bottomless Pitt and wraps an arm around his waist, saying something vaguely provocative. No introduction. Just fondling. They go back and forth for about a minute before he turns and actually introduces himself to me. He’s all over Bottomless Pitt, but soon he turns his attention in my direction. He ends up sitting on my lap on a stool at the bar and (I guess you could call it) grinding on me.

Bottomless Pitt and I are both laughing our asses off. In classic D. Kareem fashion: “You know, I think my friend Bottomless Pitt here would be much more comfortable with this situation if you took your shirt off.” Done. Even with the equity points he gains with his “consulting” job, I know I can't go there (sober). Honestly, he may have been better off at the Eagle, but he "accidentally" stumbled in on his way from the Pier (or the PATH). About 10 minutes later, he realized that we were just yanking his chain (and that that phrase was not about to be taken literally), so he pushes us together as he storms to the back of the bar in search of another Oreo. My favorite part was coming out of the bathroom to see him talking to another guy with dreds by the pool table.

Did I mention I had taken the next day off in anticipation of a hangover? Yeah.

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