“Wow, you can just smell the equity.”

Saturday night was Freak-Ho’s housewarming followed by getting rejected by a white guy at No Parking who hadn’t talked to anybody in the bar that night or the night before (he was really tall, so kind of hard to miss).  Clearly, if you’re a white guy at No Parking, you have a Jungle Fantasy (and not the Cirque Dreams kind), and clearly, if you have a Jungle Fantasy, I would be the perfect candidate.  I don’t know what was wrong with that guy, but that’s what I get for doing the same bar twice in a weekend.

Sunday morning… well, Sunday afternoon, I got a Facebook invite from Ms. W about a Venezuelan party at Barrage.  I had also gotten an invite to a car wash at the Eagle.  I texted a few people to suggest we do both, but of course, the Ivy League Crew doesn’t want to do the Eagle, and the Long Island Gays don’t want to do Venezuelans, I mean, Barrage.

 I met up with the Long Island Gays around 4 at the Eagle.  They had just come from brunch and were wasted!  Unfortunately, the Eagle doesn’t open til 5, so we decided to hit up Gym bar.  As we walked to go get Dill Pickle’s truck, Dill was a few feet ahead of us.  He turned a corner, disappearing from our line of vision.  This hot muscle-bear daddy in his 40s turned the same corner coming towards us.  Not even two seconds later, Dill Pickle comes racing back around the corner practically panting after the guy.  The only word that could describe his look at that point: hungry.

“You poor unfortunate twinks!  So young, so smooth!”  

Wow, Bologna’s loud when she’s drunk.  According to the story, which I heard by way of Bologna and Dill Pickle alternating every other word, Bologna and his trick watched The Little Mermaid on Youtube that morning.  Scene by scene. 

One of the friends they had in tow was a guy that I had met at Bologna and Dill Pickle’s last house party.  Flashback: He seemed like a friendly, attractive guy, and we probably talked for about a half hour.  He ended up giving me his card, which stated his super-high-ranking position at a very highly regarded… finance… I’m sorry, short attention span.  ASFKAB whispered in my ear, “Wow, you can just smell the equity.”  Asshole.

Back to the story: so Equuty and the rest of us pile into Dill Pickle’s gay-flag blue Dodge Quad Cab (which I don’t understand… a tall skinny white guy shouldn’t have to make up for anything with a big car) and head down to Gym bar.  Apparently gays are into tennis because the US open was on every screen.  I can’t get down with any sport that doesn't include spandex.  Can we switch to synchronized diving (or as I like to call it, 2-4-1)?

I chatted briefly with Equuty.  The whole time, ASFKAB was making sniffing sounds in my ear.  Cute, hun, real cute. 

I excuse myself to the bathroom where I run into BRITney and the same ex that I saw her with last time (for once).  They were on their way to some fashion show.  When I get back, I tell the boys, and Bologna turns white as chicken. 

“BRITney was here?” 

“Yeah, in the bathroom.  They said they were on the way out.”

“Wow.  Yeah, we hooked up on Friday.” 

O RLY!

We work our way back to the front of the bar, and I run into Cooper, who was last seen in LA, but recently moved to the City (of course, I didn't know until I ran into him, almost literally).  We start talking, and some random is making serious eyes at him.  I’m thinking they know each other but aren’t sure from where.  We step outside to leave, and dude follows us.  Cooper stops to talk to him, and the rest of position ourselves so that we can hear but it doesn’t look like we’re listening.

“So what’s going on.”

“I’m heading back to my place.”

“Oh really.  Where’s that?”

“Just across the bridge.  Where are you from?”

“DC.”

“Are you heading back?”

“8:00 bus.”

“Let’s go.”

Then they start making out!  Wooorrrrrrk!  I bid Cooper farewell and move on to convince Bologna that Chi Chi’s is the best idea ever.  Some cute guy in glasses and super short shorts appears about 20 feet behind us, and I turn to check him out (but mostly because I really like the shorts).  Well, what do you know: it’s Bologna’s Little Mermaid! 

He joins us, and we all pile into Dill Pickle’s truck.  Dill drops us off at Chi Chi’s and ditches (well bye, bitch!).  As soon as I walk in, some girl offers me her seat.  “You have to get up when I come back, though.”  That’s fine, boo.  Then I look on the bar where she was sitting and see this:

Oh hell no!  Unless that's Maxwell House in that wine glass, you'll be just fine without that last drop.

Being the tactful conversationalist I am, I ask Bologna, “So, how is BRITney in bed?”  Oh, right.  I forgot his trick was right there.  But Bologna barely even hesitates before giving his answer.  Jot that down. 

I trade Bologna and her trick for Bottomless Pitt (who was delayed because of some “lab” shit she had to do… mm hmm ).  That’s when things started to get a bit more inappropriate. 

How do we always end up with food at this bar?!

I had developed a crush on the bartender(‘s ass).  Definitely quarter-bouncing-worthy.

And I found a drink to go with my hit single, “Lemon Enema” (to the tune of “Muh Nah Muh Nah”, but with more syllables)!  It’s a Corona topped off with Malibu rum and a lemon wedge.  Of course, the guy in “section 8” (there’s a sign designating that part of the bar) didn’t know the song when I took the picture of his drink.

After at least 2 sets of 2-4-1s, we run into a past hook-up of mine (which brought the running total for the afternoon to 3).  He insisted on buying us shots, and I managed to get a 2-4-1 receipt for the order.  Turns out shots aren’t 2-4-1, but I must have done something right because the bartender only whined a little bit before giving me free drinks. Good tip for you!

Pretty soon, we left Chi Chi’s and on the way to Barrage, we ran into a couple of guys that joined us.  I assume they knew Bottomless Pitt, but I’m not sure. 

Apparently one of them likes hot sauce.  Isn't that the kind they use at Chipotle?  Anyway, we get to Barrage, and it’s pretty dead.  Ms. W. was there, but the crowd wasn’t quite dense enough to keep my attention on a school night.  Did I mention this was the end of one intense week and the beginning of another?  Yeah.

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