Tuesday, October 14, 2008

Not a single top in the whole place!

6 Flags + gay = too easy.

Finally, the planning for the Fairgrounds event was over (about 2 hours before I actually left the city), and I could enjoy the trip!  We finally worked it out so that all 14 people for whom I had bought tickets had rides in people’s cars.  I was riding with Dill Pickle and a couple of her friends.  She had said, “I want to leave the city no later than 4.”  Fine with me.

Dill Pickle lives in Brooklyn, and she was picking me and Rutgirls up in Chelsea.  The next logical step would be the Jersey Turnpike, right?  Not when you’re dealing with the gays.  Around 4:30, Dill Pickle pulls up in her gay-flag-blue Dodge Ram quad cab by herself.  Turns out we have to go back to the east side to pick up her boy situation and a friend of his.  In late afternoon traffic.  The boy situation turns out to be pretty prompt (well, relative to our timing), but we definitely have to wait for the friend.  Apparently he’s one of those gays you have to tell to arrive an hour before you plan to leave.  Godot finally comes, and he’s kinda hot.  I text Rutgirls (from the other side of the back seat): New rule: the late one rides naked.  He responds: Well he is in the middle…

It was about 6 before we were actually on the road. 

Once I got over my internal temper tantrum, the ride was pretty uneventful.  I caught up on some of my favorite blogs on my phone, actually laughing out loud a few times.  We made up a narrative for a blue-collar-looking guy who drove a new Cadillac with “Surbivor” on the license plate.  Some poor, unfortunate (obvious) gays had broken down on the side of the road.  We would have offered them the truck bed, but they weren't cute enough to stop that's illegal.  

We finally got off the Spermpike, which felt like a good time to pull out a bottle of “juice with extra pulp.”  We proceed down the interstate, past the front gate (they could have easily made each of the flags on the gate one of the colors of the gay flag… honestly), and to the $15 (?!) parking lot.  “I’ll put this on my credit card and owe you a drink,” I slurred from the back seat.  So we pull up to this 15-year-old kid with a quite unfortunate case of acne.

“Hey!  How you doin’!
“That’ll be $15.”
“Alroight!” I handed him my card with a wink and a smile. 
He hands me back the receipt to sign.  “Thank you.”
“Oh, thank you.  And don’t work to hard.”  The car was roaring with laughter, but the whole time the kid had no reaction.  No blush, no rolling of eyes, nothing.  Jaded bitch.

We go through the metal detectors, and the 80-year-old security guard asks to see my bag, the bottom of which contains a Gatorade bottle completely filled with “pulp”.  First, they make me finish the “pulpy juice” we had started on in the truck because you can’t bring drinks into the park.  Then Gramps asks me what’s in my bag as he opens it. 
“A change of clothes, a couple of Red Bulls…”
“Oh, you can’t bring alcohol into the park.”
“It’s not alcohol; it’s an energy drink.”  But aren’t you not allowed to bring any drinks?  Whatevs.
Then some young woman comes over and literally pokes inside my back with a stick a couple of times and says, “He’s okay.”  Sweet.

The first thing I did was pay $16 for a burger and a Sprite that came with carbs fries and onion rings I didn't want (they only served full “meals”, but you have to pay extra for a drink).

The woman hands me my tray with no lid for my Sprite: “We’re out of tops.”
“You’re out of tops?!”  *yelling* “Looks like they’re out of tops, girls.  Not a single top in the whole place!  Let’s go!” 

The other cars had gotten there earlier and had started on the rides already.  We shot out some texts to bring everyone together.  Everyone came to the feeding area for about 10 minutes before splitting up into their original groups.  Great. 

I ended up being the odd man out since Dill Pickle was with his boy situation and Rutgirls was trying to put his dick in Dill’s friend.  In fact, at one point, I went to go get more mixer a fruity drink, and everyone said they were cool with waiting on me.  By the time I got back, Dill and her jar had already gotten in line for a ride, and Rutgirls and her new “friend” (who, I later learned, has a boyfriend) wandered off to get food together.  Nicely ditched.

Of course, the Ivy League Crew was happy to see me.  Not because I’m so fabulous and they can’t have a good time without me.  No, they knew I was packing alcohol.
Careful, BRITney.  Come to think of it, that was the first time I'd seen (or heard about) her gagging.  As we walked around the park, I noticed a disturbing theme (keep in mind it was about 58 degrees):
Did they change it up for the gays, or does this family park always promote water sports?  Anyway, we yelled a lot and managed not to get kicked out of the park, leaving on our own accord around 11.

Dill dropped me off, and I met up with BRITney and Urban Sprawl for some Baña action.  It was half off admission with your stub from 6 Flags, but that worked out to the same admission price as being 25 and under (i.e., Urban Sprawl’s old ass was the only one that got out-of-the-ordinary discount). 

After leaving our clothes with the hot-but-cunty clothes check guy (who had checked all of his clothes), we headed directly for the… bathroom!  We’d been drinking all afternoon and had just gotten out of an hour-and-a-half road trip.  The bar could wait 2 minutes.

Unfortunately, the hot bartender was wearing a speedo, but I figured it was still early yet.  We grabbed our drinks and headed upstairs to the pool. 

This is where things get a bit cloudy (open bar!).  At one point, I ran into Loosefur, who was accessorized by two hot sidekicks. She said hey and immediately ditched (to avoid my wisecracks?).  I took the boys to the (low self-e)steam room, but Urban Sprawl acted like he couldn’t breathe with all the humidity.  Like her slutty ass has never been in a steam room before (I think she saw an ex she wanted to avoid).

An hour later, the hot bartender’s speedo was still on!  Must be “razor bumps”. 

Lady Bunny was scheduled to perform, and perform she did!  She did a medley of parodies on pop songs, one of which was Leona Lewis and featured a Fleet bottle full of fake blood.  Then she did her new single, which I couldn’t hum to save my life right now, but I feel like I liked it at the time. 

Not long after that, BRITney and Urban Sprawl went home with someone, which was fine with me because I was drunk enough to explore and be voyeur extraordinaire!  I grabbed myself a towel and got quite the show in the stream room.  For a second, I wished I had lived in ancient Rome (except they didn’t have a cure for syphilis… and I’m black).  After watching someone ‘s “appetite” be “satiated,” I took a walk to the pool where everybody was watching some guy get fucked on his back.  I’m more of a face-down-ass-up kind of guy, so I wandered on.

I noticed there was no one by the door of the VIP area, so I casually walked in.  In the massage area, one guy was actually getting a massage.  But that quickly changed into a blow job (personally, I’d rather a tip).  Then a couple of guys went for hands-free prostate massages.  The room with the pool table (and very little light) featured… well, a lot of fucking.  A group of guys passed around one or two bottoms at a time.  I can’t say I would have touched any of them with an 10-inch, uh, 10-foot pole.  But I had a great time watching.

Maybe it was just my drunk observation skills or the fact that I was at a distance, but the whole time, I only took note of one condom.  Not that they weren’t provided and conveniently located.  I’m hoping I just got distracted and didn’t notice the application.

Did I mention that SoHo Crush was out of town, so I had to make my way to WaHi from Wall St at 5am (but at least I didn’t run into the French guy from last time)?  Yeah.  

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Jesse Archer said...

Well thankfully the top shortage at six flags was not repeated at Bana. Sometimes I fear tops will be placed on the gay endangered list!

Urban Sprawl said...

A great time had by all. Bologna's car was a hoot, including a Manhunt-themed song BRITney played voiced by RuPaul.
You should have stuck w/ us: MicHELLe's a screamer and I kept saying I needed a cigarette, especially after Nitro and Kingda Ka.

Mind you, I stayed sober until Baña. Whatevs....I APPEAR 25 and under. I'll just get myself a good fake to reflect my apparent age.

Hell yeah WAS suffocating in that steam room....and no actually, never been in one before. No, really. Not kind of gay *shrug*

Between Six Flags and Baña it was a day/night to remember!

yet another black guy said...

I'm going to assume that Bana is a bathhouse, correct?

Alroight = chuuch lol

The Blackout Blog said...

Black Guy: ROFL, I think that "Alroight" was over a few people's heads. And Baña is a mix of a party/club and a bathhouse. More fun than sketchy and more laid back than intense.