went on my usual voyeur tour

Ah, another Friday night.  The plan was to hit up Chelsea Hotel for their open bar, then do Baña.  The Ivy League Crew has issues with Baña, but Boris agreed to come along (hadn’t seen her since Black Pride). 

I get on the subway and realize I had forgotten my bag with my flip flops and swim wear.  After going back to my place and barely missing the closest train, I ended up not getting to Chelsea Hotel til 10:55, 5 minutes before the open bar closed.  And there was a line.  

After a two-minute text fest, I found out that everyone who wasn’t being lame was inside.  I wasn’t about to stand in line for a half hour to end up leaving for the financial district in another half hour.  Did I mention that I had mixed my Gatorade bottle way too strong to be headed to an open bar party?  I only packed one b/c I figured I’d miss the open bar at Chelsea Hotel, but after downing that on the train, I definitely didn't need to get a drink to pass the time.

TTT texts me that he’s at Pieces.  On a Friday.  Huh?

Eventually, I heard from Boris, and he was at Dtox with friends and his boyfriend, so I dropped in there.  You know what's a fun surprise: finding out a future hook-up (he and the wife have and arrangement) and a past boyfriend have mutual friends!  That was what I walked into their friend's birthday party at DTox, greeting Boris and turning around and spotting Duplex across the bar.  Luckily it wasn’t too awkward b/c nothing's actually happened with Boris, but it was definitely uncomfortable.  After Duplex gets me a drink (b/c I obvi need one), the group decides they’re going to Gym bar.  Duplex's roommate grabs my drink and throws his coat over it like, “You can finish it in the car.”  Wow.  I decide against going with them b/c Boris and I are going downtown, but what Boris didn’t tell me was that he had driven his motorcycle.  And he was taking the wife home.  “Meet you at like 1:30?”  Great.

I walk outside, and Duplex and his friends are in a limo, (why don't my friends have birthdays like that).  I walk to the train figuring I’d take the F up to w 4^th and take the A down to the financial district, but as I was waiting on the F, I see an A coming downtown on the F line. 

For those of you not from NYC, basically I was fucked.  I ended up going uptown to Pieces and hanging out with TTT and his crew before standing on 7^th ave for 15 minutes trying to get a cab to go back downtown (love being black in NYC). 

I finally got to Baña around 1:10 or so.  The hot-but-cunty clothes check guy must have gotten laid because he was a fuck of a lot nicer this time.  And he had a hot helper (very hot helper).  Unfortunately, they both had clothes on (that's a first).  So did the hot bartender!  WTF is going on with my night?!

In line for my first drink, I struck up a conversation with some hot guys.  The problem with a group of hot guys is that they’re first two priorities are making sure everyone sees they're pretty and telling each other how pretty each other are.  It didn't help that I can never pick a target and pursue it (who am I kidding, I can’t pursue a target in any situation).  Once we got our drinks, I tried to make the least awkward exit possible and excused myself to the pool.

After a marginally entertaining show/presentation (from the same Jane-Goodall-costume-wearing woman that strapped the baboon butt onto Urban Sprawl at Pride and took pictures), Boris finally showed up.  Of course, he complained that there weren’t enough Black guys for him, but he ended up hooking up with two of them (which was about a 50% success rate).  While I waited on him to put his dick away, I went on my usual voyeur tour.  But this time, I actually spent some time in the dark room (with my speedo on).  You know how you can watch the same artist on TV and live and the live performance is so much better?  Same with porn. 

What really got me was when I saw one of the guys that works there getting some. 

At the end of the night, they turn on the lights in the pool, dance floor, and lobbies first.  They eventually turn on black lights (yes, black lights) in the dark room, but there’s still a good 10 or 15 minutes before they turn on the red lights.  And even then, there were people still finishing up.  Boris and the secon black dude were the literally the last two left.  The people that worked there were cleaning up all around them with their rubber gloves as a live blow job was a part of the furniture.

Finally, Boris comes out and takes a shower.  And I watch some of that, too.  Did I mention a motorcycle on the West Side Highway is a lot faster than any subway at 5am?  Yeah.

Click here to check out about my last Baña experience.

Note: you may find the "Topics of Discussion" (now on the right) and the Cast of Characters to be of help in navigating this blog.

Music Review: Beyoncé

Here we go with another Beyoncé album.  I was a little apprehensive about this one because B'day got so much acclaim; it's hard to follow up that type of success.  If B'day shot her into the stratosphere, I Am... Sasha Fierce definitely brought her back to earth.  It's divided into two discs, representing two personas.  A cool enogh concept, but concept albums are a hard sell.

The more vulnerable persona starts out with the single "If I Were a Boy."  I’m not a huge fan of slow songs (it's gonna be a long album), but it's a somewhat original take on the don’t-take-me-for-granted-type song.  Toby Glad (whose ad I once saw on Craig’s List looking for an unpaid intern to pitch his songs… he wrote Fergie’s “Big Girls Don’t Cry”) and pop rock singer Britney Carlson get snaps for writing this.  It seems that she listened to all the critics who have no appreciation for the tradition of soul, gospel, blues, jazz, and other forms of music that arose from Southern black roots accused her of 'oversinging' and reigned in the elaborate runs that she's so well known for.

The next song, "Halo" (not to be confused on my iPod with "Halo" by the Pussycat Dolls), brings the emotion that I look for in a slow song, and we can thank producer and lead singer of One Republic Ryan Tedder for that.  Beyoncé shows us her whole range, dipping down to the lowest of her notes (a C#3... most choral bass parts play in this territory... much more than your daily requirement of ledger lines), which is a welcome contrast to the familiar belt that comes later.  Apparently this song was originally intended for Leona Lewis (who, frankly, would have done better with the falsetto notes at the end).

The track that follows can “Disappear" from the album as far as I’m concerned.  It adds variety to the pacing of the slow part of the album, but I could do without this ultra-laid-back track.

I always said the best pop music comes out of Sweden.  Well, songwriters/producers Stargate (“So Sick” by Ne-yo; “Irreplaceable” by Beyonce) are close enough (Norway).  Unfortunately, they couldn't work their magic on “Broken-Hearted Girl”.  The amazing thing about this song is that despite its being uninteresting, I could see it being one of the later singles on the album.  It has a radio-ready sound.

After these two duds, I was quite curious to see what Beyoncé would do with“Ave Maria”.  It seems to be a religious song disguised as a love song.  It gets a little too classical at the end, and I’m not comfortable with Beyoncé in her head voice.  It’s not an amazing track, but the more interesting of the two Stargate contributions.

“Smash into You” is a good b-side track.  Producer Chris “Tricky” Stewart (“Me against the Music” by Britney/Madonna, “Umbrella” by Rhianna, and for you southern-rap heads “Who Dat” by JT Money) creates a sound that Céline Dion  timeless.

Of course, she had to have a slow, acoustic, breathy song.  "Satellites" is a beautiful track, but I had trouble paying attention to it.  Eventually I figured out that it was because it has no percussion (which is part of the beauty of the song; I’m just not the target demo).

“That’s Why Your Beautiful” brings a bit of a country/rock feel to the album and closes out the intimate part of the album.  However, the deluxe edition adds  “Save the Hero", a graceful song that starts out with strings and piano before bringing in electric guitar and heavy kick-drum percussion to build tension.  It has a great message, and I’d say it’s the best best composed track on the album (though not my favorite).

Clear. The. Dancefloor.

Now that the soft shit is out of the way, we get to toss our hair and wooorrrrrrrrrk!  Chris “Tricky” Stewart provides an appropriately sparse yet driving instrumental for "Single Ladies" (which happens to be a single!  Haha!).  It’s the perfect entrance music for Sasha.

“Radio”brings a touch of high-energy electronica.  It's concept is reminiscent of “I Am Music” by Timbaland.  The major flaw with this song is that it seems like B is trying too hard to convey too many vocal personas in this song.  It sounds like the producer is thinking, that sounded a lot cooler in my head.  It may be a better idea to pull off with a group.

My favorite thing about "Diva" is that this song is penned by a man.  The same man who wrote “Buttons” for the Pussycat Dolls, “Goodies” by Ciara, “Check on It” by Beyoncé, half of the songs we did the Uh Oh to on B’day...  I’m thinking, How he doin’!  Anyway, Sean Garrett’s words are backed by a Hustlin-by-Rick-Ross-type track from Atlanta producer Shondrae “Bangladesh” Crawford (“What’s Your Fantasy” by Ludacris).  The cool thing about this track is that it supports the concept of the album.  The bad thing about this song is that it’s not that cleverly written or produced, making it less than engaging out of the context of it's placement on this particular album.

The first good musical performance on the Fierce part of the album comes with “Sweet Dreams”.  It has a throwback feel mixed with a touch of pop/electronica.  It’s not necessarily catchy, but it’s nice to listen to.

“Video Phone” sounds a bit more like “Diva” than I’d like.  We all know southern rap has been popular for the last few years, but it almost seems like the tracks were made with the same formula.  However, it is a very sexy song.  Unfortunately, this redundancy is where the standard version of the album comes to a close, but the deluxe album adds a few more bonus tracks.

“Hello” is not to be confused with "Halo" (Britney started this trend with putting both "Hot As Ice" and "Break the Ice" on the same album).  I love this song!  Then again, I do have a triple-meter (1-2-3 instead of 1-2-3-4) fetish.  In the context of her recent marriage to Jay-Z, the words seems that much more sincere, saying “You had me at ‘hello.’”  With it's slow tempo and sweet lyrics, it seems misplaced on the Fierce part of the album.

This winning streak continues with “Ego".  Beyoncé sounds like she’s singing about dick ("It's too big/it's too wide/ it won't fit"), but she’s talking about her (man’s) ego.  I wish this song would have been called “It’s Too Big” so that it didn't give away the punch line.  It’s a smooth, relaxed track that stands well on its own as well as promotes the Sasha theme of this side of the album.  Unfortunately, she does a very egotistical thing that backfires on her.  She claims she doesn't need a beat and can sing it over piano, but then she goes into this falsetto part that sounds like she went out the night before and didn't bother to warm up.  She really should keep the falsetto to a minimum.

Beyoncé closes the deluxe album with a track that doesn't fit the Fierce persona, “Scared and Lonely”.  Nevertheless, it’s nice to listen to.  It almost like Elton John collaborated with a hip-hop producer (turns out Darkchild brought these sounds together).  While I like this song, there’s something that doesn’t fit about the background vocals.

Honestly, I was worried for Beyoncé ever since B'day came out because I knew she had to follow it up and try to achieve similar success.  But then when I heard "Single Ladies", I had hope.  Unfortunately, this album doesn't f0llow through, but she took the artsy/concept/I'm-not-just-trying-to-move-units approach, a smart move.

I think what Beyoncé could have done better as executive producer of the album was to change the format.  She doesn't have enough Fierce songs to make two balanced halves.  I would have suggested intros, (a la "This is a Missy Elliot exclusive" or "Smash on the radio, bet I penned it").  Start the intimate songs out with some spoken or sung variation of "I am" and the Fierce songs with "Sasha" or "Sasha Fierce".  She could have mixed up the order of the songs, which would have helped with the pacing.  Plus her fans that are obsessed would have one more thing to lip sych while they strike a pose.  Not that I know anyone like that.

Overall, I think it's an okay album.  If she weren't so gay friendly, I probably would have only downloaded a few tracks as opposed to buying the whole album (but I still think you should... here's why [towards the bottom]).

Suggested tracks:

"Halo"

"Save the Hero"

You obviously already have "Single Ladies"

"Hello"

Maybe:

"Radio"

"Video Phone"

"Ego"

Check out my review of David Archuleta's album here.

capitalize on the awkward situation

Rosey’s birthday was on a Thursday.  She had texted me the week before to get suggestions on a venue.  Her first instinct was some filled-with-straight-“analysts” bar on 8^th ave in Midtown.  I made a couple of gay suggestions (including Chelsea Hotel, which, in addition to having free vodka, does special accommodations for birthdays).  She ignored these and decided on 123 BurgerShotBeer.  A straight sports bar in Hell’s Kitchen.  On the bright side, they have $2 kamikazes and other fruity shots.  But it’s still. A straight. Bar.

 Readers: if you have an apartment in a convenient part of town, have a house party.  With 10-oz cups (or bigger).

I got to the bar, and some game was playing on the TVs.  Of course.  And I saw people in ties.  TIES!  I needed a drink forthwith.

Eventually, the game was muted and music was put on, which made the situation a bit better. 

Someone pointed out a quarter on the floor, so as a joke, I stood in front of someone and did a bend-and-snap move to pick it up.  Over my shoulder, I hear, “What was that, cotton?”  He must be talking about my sweater.  I turn around and make eye contact with a very familiar friend of Rosey’s, who was very amused.  To make it absolutely clear what he was talking about, he jestured towards the floor and repeated his comment.  Are you, a white guy who has actually graduated from a respected university, really making a cotton-picking reference to a black guy from the South… who outweighs you by about 50 lbs.

Needless to say, I was less than amused.  But rather than make a scene, I just gave him a look (which was met with a laughing “What?  Really?” Yes.  Really.) and turned back to my boys. 

Let me just say, I’m way too uptight to be the butt of a cotton-picking joke.  I’m tempted to say that any black person who isn't is disturbingly desperate for white camaraderie, but that’s not what this blog is about.

Eventually, the bar was taken over by gay boys (many weren’t with our party), but I just wasn’t feeling the vibe.  The Ivy League Crew was all on the same page, so we ditched for View.  From the time we arrived, I was eyeing this guy in a grey sweater with a really nice body.  I was doing my usual yell-at-him-because-he-probably-won’t-respond-anyway thing, but I’m pretty sure he noticed me checking him out. 

Towards the end of the night (well, the end of my night b/c I wasn't planning on staying out long), I saw the one guy both Bottomless Pitt and I have both hooked up with (at different times, perv).  I waved at him, but I didn’t notice that he was standing in very close proximity to the guy in the grey sweater whom I was blatantly checking out earlier.  Grey Sweater waved at me.  And what made it so bad was that I was waving really hard because the guy I was actually waving at didn’t see me.  Just as I noticed Grey Sweater's wave, the guy I was waving to noticed me.

Usually I would take that opportunity to laugh and capitalize on the awkward situation as an ice breaker.  But I didn’t really want to pick up a guy in front of a former hookup.  Did I mention I was already headed to an ex’s for the night anyway?  Yeah.

Check out another View Bar adventure here.

Note: you may find the "Topics of Discussion" (now on the right) and the Cast of Characters to be of help in navigating this blog.

train it back from Bed Stuy at 3 in the morning

Between getting home from tOWGA's in Connecticut Westchester and grabbing my winter clothes from my grandmother’s on Long Island (because my place is really small), I managed to take every mode of transit the MTA runs in a single Saturday (except for the Long Island bus).  You can imagine how elated I was to have to travel to the house party in Bed Stuy/Clinton Hill, Brooklyn that night.  Our friend and yet another Ivy League grad, Denzelle, was hosting this one.  Denzelle is an actor (black guy) who missed our summer shenanigans because she got a gig somewhere in New Jersey doing Shakespeare.  She used to have an unfulfilling office job, but a near-death experience caused her to wake up and follow her dream.  And I hate her for it.

I suggested that some of us meet up in Manhattan and trek out together.  At 11, about 6 of us left Pieces’s once-a-month Saturday karaoke to head to Brooklyn.  MicHELLe had a whole gaggle of friends in town for the weekend, and they had obviously done a little pre-gaming.  We ended up spending most of the train ride singing howling  songs from the early 90s... and Dreamgirls (because early 90s isn’t gay enough on its own) and being snickered/glared at by fellow passengers.

*Dramatic Chord* “This train is making express stops only!  For local service please [go past the stop you want and double back on a local train].”

Without the help of Urban Sprawl or a WiFi/G3 connection, we were kind of fucked.  Basically, there were two trains we could have taken, but I only looked at the directions from the A train because I wouldn’t be caught dead on the G train.  We made an easy transfer, but we took the G train to the wrong stop and ended up tromping through Clinton Hill (a pleasant walk, but walking nonetheless).  Then we came to a block with no brownstones.  And another.

“Guys, I’m gonna need y’all queens to quiet the fuck down.  The kee-keeing was cute in Clinton Hill, but we're in in Bed Stuy now.  And I’d like to leave with my jaw in tact.”

Between my phone and my innate sense of… okay, I totally depended on my phone to get us there (with at least 2 oops-we-were-supposed-to-turn-that-way moments).  I walked through the door to find that Denzelle had bought Crown Fried Chicken, which I only ate because I was starving from my journey from the other side of the earth! 

Apparently while I was mixing drinks and having sophisticated conversation in the kitchen and living room, most of the party was in the back yard doing keg stands. 

But don’t worry: beer kills flu.  And herpes.

As the party goes on, I get to know one of MicHELLe’s friends, and we have a great conversation about his career in college admissions.  And Fung Wah gets to know another one’s number.  I'm sure there's admission to be granted there as well (Wooorrrrrrk!).

Well, now we know from experience that house parties are not a good idea if it gets too late.  And nobody wants to train it back from Bed Stuy at 3 in the morning alone, so MicHELLe, her girls, and a few others left with me around 2 and went home.  And by went home, I mean fixed a to-go drink on the way to Posh for wild late-night dancing.  

Dance, dance, dance.  Work, work, ow.  “Can we leave before they turn on the ugly lights?  Someone wake up Bronx Newbie; she’s got a long ride home!”

 

Who’s this that MicHELLe is making out with?  And walking away with!  And more importantly, how is her cousin gonna get back into her apartment?!  Wooorrrrrrrrk! 

The boys wanted to do a diner, so we ended up at some place on 8^th ave.  About halfway through our meal, MicHELLe joins us.  Huh? 

Did I mention that this is the first group of people I've split a check with where everyone's gotten money back (instead of having to put more money in)?  Yeah!

Speaking of Brooklyn, click here check out my post on NYC Black Pride 2008!

Note: you may find the "Topics of Discussion" on the right and the  Cast of Characters to be of help in navigating this blog.

Not totally unrelated, but definitely not the typical blog material: I'd like to take a moment to encourage everyone reading to consider purchasing Beyoncé's new album, I Am... Sasha Fierce.  Not because I worship Beyoncé in all her fabulousness or anything like that.  But because she works to put elements of gay culture into a mainstream spotlight, and that's something that we should support monetarily.  The more we gays are exposed to mainstream culture in a positive way, the more that mainstream culture will start to accept (not just tolerate, but accept) us.

How does Beyoncé feature gay culture in her videos?

Single Ladies (Put A Ring On It)

"Single Ladies", a single off her new album.  This video features j setting (throughout the video, but most obviously at 1:21-1:40).  This is a form of dance that's popular among gays in the South.

"Freakum Dress" from B'Day.  Did you think those were Real Girls behind her in the first 50 seconds?  Ha!

"Get Me Bodied" from B'Day.  Note the New-Way Voguer at 1:30.  "Snap for the kids" is pretty obviously gay, especially in the video (black gays often use "kids" to refer to gays),  but check out the "Naomi Campbell walk" at 5:35.  There has been talk of the dancer in the middle being a transexual, but I really can't confirm either way.  Personally, I've seen more "girls" than girls who can do that walk.  The dancer in question is also featured during the "snap for the kids" segment as well.  In fact, she does a fall at 5:49, which is without a doubt a reference to voguing and Ball culture.  For more on voguing and Ball culture, see Paris Is Burning (the whole documentary can be seen on YouTube). Or if you're in NYC, check out Wig Out, featuring Erik King from Showtime's Dexter (when I went with SoHo Crush, we spotted Lauren Vélez from Dexter as well as Michael Kors from Project Runway in the audience).  Then again, the last performance was two days ago, but I swear it was fierce!

So, for all these reasons, I'm plugging Beyoncé's album.  Protests and demonstrations are important to our cause, but our dollars are the among the most powerful and lasting tools in influence we have.  And if it works, she and her label will continue with the trend.

A more obvious example: Ciara's new song: "Work".  Look at the lyrics ("Kings and queens posted at the bar... walk that walk... bitch, you betta work..." et cetera).  Her single isn't on iTunes yet, but the album is due out in the Spring of '09.  And requesting at parties and clubs puts a bug in DJs ears (buzz is priceless in pop music!).  According to the Thomas Crown Chronicles, Ciara says, "I really want to embrace the world and the culture of voguing with this song."  Love it! 

Music Review: David Archuleta

It's rare that I download a whole album (thank you iTunes), but I snagged American Idol season 7 runner-up David Archuleta's self-titled CD (yes, it's on CD) at work for free.  So I gave it a listen.

The album takes a very 90s approach in that it opens with the single, “Crush”.  I’m going to assume since it did very well on the charts that we’re familiar with his track and move on.  Plenty of reviews are available.

I was very worried after "Crush".  The second track, "Touch My Hand", falls flat and sounds like a left over coldplay track.  And the next two tracks left little impression on me.  Then again, two of those 3 songs were written by a team whose most significant contribution to my life was "Genie in a Bottle" by Christina Aguilera.  

Archuleta makes his songwriting debut on "A Little Too Not Over You", scoring primary credits (ask Danity Kane how hard that is on your first album).  This track sticks out to me as a possible single.  I thought it featured great syllabic placement, and the triple meter (i.e., you count it 1-2-3 instead of the traditional 1-2-3-4) is catchy.

“You Can”, a ballad in the spirit of James Taylor, is a great follow-up.  Rock Mafia’s ("See You Again" by Miley Cyrus) beautiful words couple with Archuleta’s convincing performance.

Hip-hop producers Midi Mafia's (50 Cent’s “21 Questions” and Fantasia’s “When I See You”) contribution on "Running" provides a refreshingly new take on the guitar-driven theme that pervades this album.

“To Be with You” is a songwriting collaboration between pop music vet and soon-to-be American Idol host Kara DioGuardi (who also contributes backing vocals) and pop music (relative) rookie Emanuel Kiriakou (who produces the track).  It doesn’t even rhyme, but it’s such a beautifully written song that it doesn’t matter.

“Don’t Let Go” is a painfully average filler track.  This was extra disappointing for me because it’s written and produced by former N’Sync member, JC Chasez.  I usually root for the underdog, but this was a painful reminder of why JT is still the favorite.

Rock Mafia adds just a touch of twang with the western-twinged “Your Eyes Don’t Lie”.  The whistle riff is definitely a nod to the likes of Johnny Cash.

The album closes with a cover of Robbie Williams’s “Angels”.  It wasn’t a total abomination, but it wasn’t nearly emotional/dramatic enough for me (just like the original).  Maybe a choir would have helped (on an American Idol budget: ha!).  However, Archuleta's delivery is not the main culprit here; the delivery would have been much better over more dramatic orchestration (I think his voice is much better suited for this type of ballad that Williams's is).  The best artist/producer combo I’ve heard on this song is (I know I’m gonna get shade for this) Jessica Simpson/Billy Mann.

Overall, I think this is a good first effort.  It's only 12 tracks, so there really wasn't room to cut the fat.  And as his career grows (his first single is damn near platinum, so I doubt Jive/Zomba will drop him), he'll get opportunities to work with more recognizable personalities on the music scene.  I'm excited to see where he goes as he gains credibility in the industry.  And hopefully for the next album he'll take less awkward pictures for the album art!

Suggested Tracks:

Crush

A Little Too Not Over You

You Can

Be With You

Just in case you missed Friday's post.

My boyfriend is in love with you

Let's go back to the week before Halloween, shall we?  For the sake of the very sexy costume party and the hilarious movie outing that Saturday, I think it's worth the trip.

I don’t go to the movies.  Before October, the last movie I saw in the theater might have been Stick It.  But one of my favorite train wrecks TV shows (well, it was when I had a TV... with cable) was coming out with a movie: Noah’s Arc.  And it just happens to star one of my few legit celeb crushes, Darryl Stephens (who happens to be my first comment on my myspace music page).

A bunch of us were going to go to the 7 o’clock show in Chelsea, so I suggested that some of us grab a drink at BBQ beforehand since it’s right across the street.  I texted everyone on the email thread to respond if they were coming b/c BBQ won’t seat you unless all of your party is present (which I said in the text).  Why did I end up with eleven people?!  And why did half of them show up late as hell?  In the end we sacrificed liquor for food (a rare occurrence) and grabbed a bite at Boston Market instead, getting to the theater about 20 minutes before the movie started. 

“Honey, a sandwich is portable.  Eat your mac and cheese now and carry Miss Turkey in the theater so we can get our seats.”

*tearing into sandwich* “You guys’ll just have to save me a seat.”

But it’s sexy to eat in public.

The movie was just as horrible as expected: the usual bad acting; the sophomore-in-high-school writing; the gay-beyond-gay one-liners.  But what really made this movie was the commentary from the audience.  Everything from “What the hell is she wearing,” to “Oo, her make up is running like water colors,” to “Bitch, hell naw!”

Noah really was wrong for those coats, though.

After an hour and 40 minutes of constantly flowing gay I.V. (drip my ass!), we all needed a drink.  I had promised Colombiano a few weeks before that I’d come to the costume party he was hosting that night in Hell’s Kitchen.  I met Colombiano (a 30-something Latin guy) online a few years back.  We hooked up a few times but ended up being friends, at first extremely close but more distant after a falling out about a year ago.  He has a really hot accent that he's obsessed with getting rid of, and after scraping and saving for years, he now lives off renting out an apartment in midtown (bitch).  He was also involved in the infamous beach arrest.

Anyway, Colombiano was worried that he’d invited too many people to his party, so he asked me not to bring the Crew.  Which meant I was planning to stop in for a drink and ditch.  Bitter Commie Grad Student was having people over as well, so I went with the crew over to somewhere east of 5^th ave directly after the movie.

D. Kareem: “Guys, isn’t this Bitter Commie’s?”

Bottomless Pitt: “Yeah, but we have to go get mixer.”

D. Kareem: *mumbling* “Who the hell has…” *talking* “Well, I’m gonna take my liquor upstairs since it doesn’t take 15 people to go pick up mixer.”  And it looks like it’s about to monsoon. 

And monsoon it did.  I had no idea which unit Bitter Commie lived in, so I called him to find out.  He actually picked up on the second attempt, sounding oh-so-excited to have people over (not).  Not long thereafter, the others showed up, and it was a full on party within minutes (once everyone dried off).  After my first drink, I realized that if I were going to make it to Hell’s Kitchen and back, I needed to peace out right about then. 

Turns out Colombiano has a really nice apartment right on 9^th ave (ridiculously close to my office).  And it looks like he really got into hosting this party: balloons, streamers, a(n annoying) strobe light.  And very lethal punch.  Colombiano greets me enthusiastically (though I keep him at a distance b/c he’s oiled up as part of his bow-tie-stogie-and-underwear costume).  I get changed into my aforementioned slutty costume.

“¡Primo!  ¿Estás listo?”  Fuck!  Primo’s here?!  Primo, a distant cousin of Colombiano's (also 30-something) was also involved in the Beach Arrest.  I’ve had the biggest crush on him since I first met him a couple of years ago.  And Colombiano is the type of person who would have definitely told him by now.  Anyway, he comes over dressed as a Mexican luchador (mask and everything), and his body’s more adorable than hot.  He tells me he’s moving to New York soon (from Boston).  Things could get interesting.

Eventually he wanders off.  And soon thereafter, Colombiano points out some white dude.  Primo's boyfriend.

Two Roman soldiers walk in together.  They’re easily the hottest guys at the party, but they’re obviously together.  ¿Primo who?

Then some tall skinny Middle Eastern guy in the same costume as Colombiano starts talking to me.  He seems young.  Very cute, very nice, but very young.  The skinny: he’s a “straight” guy who’s been “hanging out” with Colombiano.  He “doesn’t like anal,” and he has a girlfriend (poor girl).  Early 20s, still in school, and (formally?) Muslim, so he doesn’t drink much.  That last fact becomes more and more apparent as the half hour I spend talking to him wears on. 

Him: "More punch?"

Me: "Are you sure?"

Right about now, the party is really starting to get going.  I think I’m gonna stick with this crowd and see what happens.  Sorry, Ivy League Crew.  

“My boyfriend is in love with you,” the Latin Roman Soldier said to me.  I looked across the room, and the white Roman Soldier wasn’t making eye contact.  “He really likes what he sees.”  I can’t even begin to recall what my response was to this, but it was probably not as facilitating as any of us would hope.  Fucking punch!

The Middle Eastern guy pulled me into one of the rooms and down on a couch (shut up, the door was open... we were just talking).  It was a very cute tactic, but he was a) too young, b) too drunk, c) too in the closet.  I convinced him to get some water, but I think he ended up passing out on the couch. 

I couldn't bring the Crew, but I really needed to share this party with someone I knew (besides the host... never go to a party alone where you only know the host!).  I bet Cooper would love this party!

Text: Cooper, get here soon.  Party full of hot guys and ‘punch’ in HK.

Hate.  My.  iPhone.

Roman Soldier:  “Hey, we’re leaving.  Do you want to come with us?”

Me: “Oh wow.  That’d be fun as hell!  Where do you guys live?”

“Astoria.”

“That’ll wor– shit!  I just told a friend that doesn’t know anybody here to come.”

“That’s too bad.”

Goddamnit, I hate my life so much right now.  I wonder if they’ll keep the costumes on while they play.  Stupid fucking moral commitment to not being a typical gay flake!!

“Damn right it is.  Definitely under any other circumstances.  Maybe another time.”  As if that line ever works.

Cooper shows up, and within 5 minutes some boy has his hand in Cooper’s underwear.  At one point, I think I see the beginnings of a fist fight in one of the rooms.  A lot of pushing and angry faces, but I’m too drunk to care (at this point, I'm not looking for either kind of punch).  Cooper and I ditch for the Hangar, but after 3 blocks in a cab, she realizes she’s forgotten her phone.  We go back to the apartment, and Primo’s boyfriend is out on the front step. 

“Hey, could you see if you could get Primo to come down?  I just want to talk to him. That’s all.”

Huh?  “I’ll see what I can do.”  The alcohol has obviously impaired my reasoning abilty b/c I don’t quite get it yet.

“Colombiano, Primo’s boyfriend’s outside.  He asked if Primo can talk.”

“No.  Definitely not.  That guy is not welcome in here.”  OH!  That must have had something to do with the fist fight!  Finally she gets it.  Damn, his accent's sexy when he's angry!

“Sorry, dude.”

“Naw, I understand.  Thanks.” 

He wasn’t even ridiculously cute anyway.  Primo's better off with me, I mean, in New York. 

The rest of the night can be summed up by the following phrase: late night happy hour.  Did I mention I still managed to wake up in Queens the next morning?  Yeah. 

If you liked the Beach Arrest, click here to read about another beach adventure.

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