South Carolina is so ridiculous.

Many of you know that I’m from Columbia, SC.  I only go home once a year because, outside of my parents, I have few strong ties to this city.  Honestly, if I could get away with it, I’d only come back once every 2 or 3 years, but that’s more a money thing than anything else (i.e., I’d rather be saving for a trip to Vegas or for ATL Black Pride).

Just to give you an idea of our busy airport.  Those are all the gates.

And I never get a big plane anymore.  It’d be nice to stand up straight for once while I travel.

Thankfully, my dad was waiting for me when I landed the afternoon of Christmas Day (I’ve definitely had to wait for him for like 20 minutes… we live 15 minutes from the airport).  When we arrived at home, my mom was there alone, which was nice because I hadn’t gotten enough sleep (of course).  We spent the next couple of hours watching A Christmas Story in HD.

As you can see, I come from an incredibly wealthy background, but heiress just comes off so pretentious!

My player brother and my attitude-laden sister (both in their late 30s) came over with their kids.  The talk of the day was that my bro-in-law ask my brother’s 5-year-old daughter, “Who’s your favorite uncle?”  She answered, “D. Kareem!”  My brother (her father) didn’t think she remembered who I was.  Asshole.

They’re not sisters; they’re first cousins.

As usual, there was way too much food in the fridge.  My mother always feels the need to announce to me what food is in the fridge.  Just in case I can’t see through the clear Ziplock bags.  It’s sweet, though; one of the many ways in which she spoils her youngest child.

My mom insisted that we give gifts before dinner, so I grabbed the AMEX gift cards that I had personalized with a sharpie on the plane.  I was able to snag a couple of nice jackets from my job, so those became my mom and sisters’ presents (I was really tempted to keep one, but both were mediums).  As gag gifts, My mom gave all her kids fragrance sampler kits that she had probably gotten for free somewhere, but she later gave me exactly what I wanted for Christmas: a card from her and Dad (okay, from her and she wrote "Mom and Dad") with cash.  She made fun of me for actually reading the card.

Really, the best thing I got on Christmas Day was information.  One of the few things that I do like about the South is that they serve sweet tea.  Someone in the Low Country had the brilliance to mix this delicious flavor with vodka.  Enter Fire Fly Vodka.  I was really excited until I remembered that I don’t really have the patience to make sweet tea.  My dad kept saying, "It's sweet tea with vodka!" and I'd have to chime in, "Um, it's 70 proof.  That's definitely vodka with sweet tea flavoring."  Then again, he can't have more than 2 beers without getting a headache. 

I received the upsetting news that more family was coming into town the day after Christmas.  It’s always good to see family (for me, anyway… in small doses), but I was concerned about the comfortable bed and private room I was planning to sleep in.  My family has a tradition of giving beds to older members of the family and making younger family members scavenge for couches, futons, and other “sleeping” surfaces.  Luckily, my mother assured me that no one would be taking my room (which is actually still referred to as my sister’s room… what we call "D. Kareem's Room" turned into a second study with a futon during my sophomore year of college).

On Friday, my mom’s brother drove down from the (much greater) DC area with my grandmother, my grandmother’s sister, and Hippy Cuz.  A distant cousin also came in (she was visiting family in North, SC… that’s right: North, South Carolina).  Then my preacher uncle came in from Ridgeland, SC in his Cadillac, and we had an even bigger dinner.  Most of the after-dinner conversation was my mother’s brother and the distant cousin talking trash about family that wasn’t present.  All of it was true, and all of it was hilarious.  We have quite the ghetto  troubled  colorful distant family.

That night, I went out with a friend from high school and his friends.  He graduated from an Ivy for undergrad, and his parents bribed him into moving back to Columbia for med school (a luxury car and an apartment may have gotten me back to SC straight out of college, too).  We had a couple of drinks at some straight bar in 5 Points (basically the old hot spot for barhopping downtown… still very popular among the University crowd) before moving on to the Art Bar in the Vista (the Vista is the newly revitalized part of downtown… more of a sophisticated scene… with noticeable empty storefronts on the side streets). 

I was tres excited about the new no-smoking law that passed.  Not sure if it was a city-wide thing or state-wide, but it’s kind of amazing considering SC is such a huge tobacco state.  Consequently, when we arrived at Art Bar, there were easily 30 people standing just outside the door smoking. 

This bar could get ripped up in a tornado and be dropped smack in the middle of Williamsburg, Brooklyn.  Aside from the $4.25 drink prices (up 25 cents since my last visit), it’d fit right in.  I'd assumed it was mostly gay, but it was also very heavily alternative/hipster, which made it hard to find anyone attractive tell.

Shit, I have to actually be able to drive at the end of the night!  I’m so never moving back!

The one guy whom I thought was kinda hot (a friend of a friend of my friend) ignored me the whole night, so I resorted to dancing to not-so-hot music (I really meant what I said about Williamsburg).  At one point, we decided to check out PTs 1109 (not to be confused with the other gay bar, PTs Cabaret).  (PS, can anyone find the word "gay" on either website?)  My high school friend convinced the door guy that we’d pay our cover at the bar via credit card at the bar, and it worked!  That’s the great thing about bars in Columbia, you can always pay via credit card.  

The place was as tragic as I remember from previous trips.  There were a few go gos, but they were all wearing sneakers, and the youngest looked like he hadn’t seen the inside of a gym in years.  About 21 of them.

We hauled ass back to Art Bar before calling it a night around 3.  My bed was waiting for me when I got home.  Love my mom.

My original intention when I left the house on Saturday was to use a couple of Best Buy gift cards to get a digital camera.  But I wanted to check out the Mall scene, so I dragged Hippy Cuz along.  When I walked out with 4 shirts, I told myself that it was okay because they were on sale.

The rest of Saturday involved a lot of leftovers munching and watching movies with the fam. 

Saturday night, I met up with a few female friends from high school.  Real girls.  We met at some straight bar in the Vista that was mostly older (I guess the Vista tends to be).  I joked that there were moms from our prep school there (but the part about the cheetah-print skirt was true).  A guy from high school showed up, too.  The first thing I thought when I saw him was, Whoa, he almost looks like he’s in the military with his fade haircut and his tucked in shirt.  But kids that go to prep school don’t end up in the Army right?  Well, it turns out he’s in the Air Force. 

I was wearing a tight, bright green tshirt and some tight jeans.  We were in an outdoor area at the back of the bar, and it seemed like half the people out there were staring at me.  Mind you, I was dancing a bit.  And I was black.  But it was mostly women who were staring, which I found kind of hilarious.  Did they see the gay or not?  Did they want make-up advice or dick?  One random girl came up and just started talking to me.  Shit, I have no idea what this dame’s name is!  I don't remember her from high school!  Turns out I never knew her; she was just loving my outfit. 

One of the girls introduced me to two guys.  I figured they were friends with each other, but they turned out to be two guys that she was dating.  At the same bar.  In the same group.  At the same time.  One was kind of short and extremely handsome with an amazing body.  The other was about 6’6” and seemed like that guy that’s every girl’s friend.  When she told me about her dilemma, I wondered if she was crazy.

“Then again, this one does have Tall-Skinny-White-Boy Syndrome.”

“Huh?”

“You don’t know about TSWB?!”

I proceeded to tell her about this prolific syndrome, which only heightened her strange attraction to this giant.  Meanwhile, the two guys are getting all buddy-buddy.  The hot one seems to be particularly enthusiastic, leading the tall one to believe that he’s gay.  And into him.  My dilemmaed friend encourages this suspicion.  

And y’all say I’m bad!

The music was a hell of a lot more fun than last night.  It turned into more or less of a hot-white-girls-going-"WOO!" party, which was fun.  But I really did want to see the old drama clique from high school, which was rumored to be hanging out at Art Bar (just a few bocks away).

I ditched around 1:20 (bars in Columbia close at 2:00 on Saturday because of blue laws… Friday nights are much later) and ran into a couple of the old drama kids at Art Bar.  The directed me to the Blue Martini to see the rest of the crew.  

I walked past some black straight club (which used to be the white gay club), and I got a “How you doin’,” which really made me nervous since there was no one but these club-goers on the street (and I was South of the Mason-Dixon line).  I had forgotten Wendy Williams is syndicated in Columbia.  

Anyway, I got to the Blue Martini and doled out hugs and “how are you”s for about 5 minutes before everyone dispersed and went home.

Sunday, I woke up for the 11:00 church service with my mom (Dad was there, but he’s on the choir).  Of course, all the artists formally known as toddlers were in their pre-teens and didn’t remember me.  Many semi-awkward hugs were distributed and name-avoiding strategies were employed. 

After church, we had even more family over for an even bigger dinner (my mother's mother made an excellent sweet potato pie), and there was the usual talk of the old country town that my grandmother’s side of the family is from.  It makes me kind of sad that I didn’t grow up with that sense of community or family (the WHOLE extended family grew up together until my grandmother and grandfather moved away in the 50s).  

Speaking of that old country town, we're having a family reunion there in July.  I really should take a boy, just to make people talk.

Sunday night, I went by an old trick's house and actually used a dildo on him, which was huge weird at first, but he was really into it.

By Monday, I was tired and grumpy.  Everything annoyed me, and I couldn’t stand to be around so many people.  Thankfully, my dad was driving me to the airport at 5am Tuesday.  Did I mention I haven’t had a round trip sans delays in longer than I can remember before this one?  Yeah.

And now, I will leave you with a photo essay of why South Carolina is so ridiculous.

No, I don't know when the Darlington 500 is.

Shucks!  You guys lost the War and the election!  What a great time to invent removable bumper stickers (since the election was almost two months before)!

Aw, buddy!  She said that before you bought it!

It's a virus that has spread absolutely everywhere.

And the most ridiculous part of my trip home:

Yes, my parents' house has wood panelling.  And yes, those are pictures of me (and my dad).  

I guess I was the only one to drink on that one, so here's a story.  My dad came up for parents' weekend at my small liberal arts school (thank god!), and he stayed with an older gay friend of mine in his water-front house.  The friend was a photographer, and he wanted to photograph us for a book he was putting together.  My dad bought some prints, got them framed, and gave them to my mother as a Valentine's Day present.  I came home two years ago to find that my mom had re-done the whole den around these pictures.  Did I mention they really hadn't updated much of the furniture since I was born, so it was kind of a necessary revamp?  Yeah.  

Last time I hung out with the Fam was Thanksgiving in Queens.  Check it out here.

And if you missed my posts on the Inauguration, check them out here and here.

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