secret disco shower.

SoHo Crush had gotten a house on Fire Island for a week. At first, I was a bit put off when he told me it was in Cherry Grove instead of the Pines, but then I realized that’s only because I’d only hung out in the Pines before. I mean, the HK2FiPi scene is cute and all, but I could use some diversity.

I left work early on Thursday afternoon, but once I got on the train, it took almost 15 minutes to take me the couple of stops to Penn Station.  I’d missed the 3:21 train, but there was another one around 3:50, so I wasn’t too bummed. That is, until I realized that the ferry only ran every 2 hours.

The outskirts of Sayville. It’s dusk, and you’re cold. You only have a change of clothes, a bottle of vodka, your laptop, and your iPhone with dubious reception. Can you survive for two hours?

After watching Borat videos and watching a cute, slightly pudgy guy run around playing with his accessory dog, the ferry finally came, and my journey to FichGro was underway again.

I walked off the ferry and was greeted by a bunch of strangers in the dark (they were picking up other people). After 3 texts establishing when my ferry would arrive (Are you leaving Sayville at 7:50 or getting to Cherry Grove at 7:50?), SoHo Crush left me high and dry in town! I called him, and it turned out that he Sharonne (SoHo Crash’s friend who had come with us to see Beyoncé) were about 20 feet away. Luckily, I had a good giggle while waiting for them.

You know you’re on a gay island when the Red Bull machine has twice as much Sugar Free as regular.

SoHo Crush was about to pass out because they had run out of vodka at the house (“You thought a 1.75L would be enough for a week?! Oh, that’s sweet.”), so we stopped into Cherry’s for a drink. I was freezing, and I noticed the bar sold sweatshirts with their logo. And they were only $20!!

“Do you have that in a large?”

The barkeep asked an ancient man counting the register (Mr. Cherry, according to SoHo Crush) if they had my size. He huffed out some unintelligible response before continuing to count for about 3 minutes and then making about 3 trips into a back room, returning with no sweatshirt every time. SoHo Crush had said there was a store around the corner, and I had literally picked up my bag to go check it out when Mr. Cherry showed up with my sweatshirt.

“Can you get us a free drink?” SoHo Crush asked. “I mean, since you work here and all.”

We finished our drinks and went back to the house. On the way, I was told how Sharonne (we called him that the whole weekend) got his name. The first day when they were there with SoHo Crash and Pretty Betty (and a straight couple), they were skeptical about locking the door on their way to the beach. So instead of locking the door, SoHo Crash's friend yelled, “We’ll be back in an hour our so, Sharonne!” to throw off the gangs of potential homo robbers roving around the Grove. God knows if I want anyone to guard my house, it will definitely be a Sharonne.

SoHo Crush had told me about how gaudy and orange the house was, but it was a whole different experience actually being there. From the chandeliers to the fake tassels hanging off the chandeliers to the hula hoops and tambourines that were included, this house had SoHo Crush written all over it. And apparently it was the first house he looked at (I’m sure it was a joke among the broker’s office).

The best kept secret was in the bathroom.

Everyone needs a secret disco shower.

Of course, my vodka came out of the bag. SoHo Crush had his sights set on FiPi that night, and we stopped at Cherry’s for a drink (me with my Cherry’s sweatshirt) before the 9-something water taxi to the Pines, and we were quite disappointed when we arrived. Between High Tea and Sip N’ Twirl, I think we saw about 10 guys. Including the DJs. Then again, does anything happen in the Pines after dark? But don't think for a second that that stopped us from drinking. A lot. 

Did I mention the next thing I remember is waking up the next morning with a condom still on? Yeah.

Click here to check out what I did for the Super Bowl (and the ridiculous party the night before).

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