Bangs Ave (Asbury Park & Sandblast '09)

It was Sandblast weekend at Asbury Park, NJ. I was banking on the A train running express to get me to Penn Station on time. It wasn't. 

I had to pony up the money for a cab to make the train. Med School Mess also barely made it, and she was still a bit of mess from the night before. She pondered aloud: "I could take a nap, or I could start drinking." Guess which one she chose.

The ticket machines for the NJ Transit are from the 1870s and not the most user friendly. And when you select a round trip, it gives you two separate tickets instead of one for both trips. The conductor came around to punch our tickets, and for some reason, he asked where we were headed.

As soon as he walked away, I said, "It says ASBRY PRK in bold on the goddamn ticket!"

Urban Sprawl: "Um, would you like to buy a vowel?"

"And she didn't say anything about how we have to transfer! It must be her first day. She wouldn't have asked us that if we were white! 'What do you mean, 'You people!'?'"

 

When we transferred at Long Branch, we ended up sitting across the aisle to a teenager who was riding by himself and... er, looked like he'd be cute once he turned 18.

Med School Mess pointed and made no effort to lower her volume, "I like his shoes!"

Me: "Dude. Stop. For so many reasons."

"Shit, I've got the hiccups."

"The pink elephants just texted: they're are running late. They'll be on the next train... Thanks, btw. You just reminded me that I need to put on lotion." (Ashy put some losh-on, I told ya!)

Against my suggestion, we took Bangs Ave (tee hee) through the nicer part of town, passing the same construction sites as last year. The upside was that we had to walk the whole boardwalk to get to the gay section of the beach, so we got to check out the guys who were way too built to be straight but were still holding hands with girls and making dubious style choices (I love NJ).

The beach was filled with speedos, coolers, and rainbow umbrellas. Menen, who was travelling with us to Asbury for the first time, found some people he knew (as always), so we set up camp next to them. It just happened to be right next to the fence separating the Sandblast party from the rest of the beach.

It was above 80 degrees (finally), and the boys immediately stripped down to go into the ocean. Luckily, Bottomless Pitt kept me company. Did I mention what she was wearing?! Picture her in some black boy shorts that cover about half her with little razor blades printed on them. And picture a chain belt around her shoulder ("it won't fit around my waist anymore!").

She is determined to get as much miliage out of that g-string as possible.

Med School Mess's speech got slurrier and slurrier throughout the afternoon. At one point, all of us were down by the water, and we ran into Double Dutch (Bottomless Pitt's former roommate) and a friend of his (with a really nice ass). None of us was by our stuff (except Men Event's friends), and Med School Mess wanted to go get his glasses. He stumbled over strangers' towels until he got about halfway to where our stuff was and started to pick up a bag.

"Oh hell no! Mess! That's not your bag! Put the bag DOWN! I'll walk you back to our stuff." Really?! 

Some poor white lady, who was too scared to say anything, dove for the bag as soon as Mess turned his back.

Eventually, he passed out.

Bottomless Pitt: "Look at that hand! Bitch even got attitude when she's asleep!"

Speaking of, here's something to keep in mind about buying cute items from chain stores.

Here, we see Med School Mess with the same trunks on as one of Menen's friends. Double Dutch was also donning them that day. 

Eventually, Med School Mess came to and bummed a cigarette off an older guy who was sitting by himself about 15 feet away. He was exactly Med School Mess's type (TSWB), just 35 years older. When we got back from an extended mixer run, we found that the old guy had moved to about 2 feet from us.

Some pre-teens passed by. I happened to make eye contact with the boy leading the pack (keep in mind i'm in a speedo). He (very overtly trying to be non-chalant) gave me the head nod with a "wassup". I feel like that may have been illegal.

Med School Mess insisted on going back in the water by herself and came back sans her hat. The old guy (who turned out be British) insisted that MSM take his own cap before he left. 

Shortly thereafter, we left the beach for Empress Hotel's pool party, singing "Single Ladies" opera style on the boardwalk.

When we arrived, there were fewer people at the pool than I'd ever seen. But as the afternoon progressed, more familiar faces started to appear. Med School Mess ran into the British guy from the beach, who first bought him a drink and ended up buying us all a round of drinks before he left. He exited with a heart-felt thank you, and I really think we made his day by spending time with him. Med School Mess wore his hat for the rest of the day.

 

Med School Mess was hell-bent on procuring another free drink. We were all sitting by the door to the inside part of the restaurant, and he stopped a guy who was on his way in. They ended up talking for about 20 minutes. At one point, the guy said he was 40-something years old. Med School Mess gave a flirtily disbelieving “NO!” Within 2 seconds, homeboy’s ID was being passed around (I guess he got that a lot). I thought he was our age until I looked at him directly (he was standing more or less behind me). I’d’ve put him ambiguously in his 30s. Med School Mess laid it on thick: “You don’t look a day over 32! Well, maybe a day. Maybe!” Then dude took off his shades. Definitely 40s.

Later in the afternoon, we were all standing in a circle talking, and I felt something wet right at the base of my neck. My knees buckled, and I did a sort of dip-and-turn recovery. . o O (Oh my god! This staggering old drunk just licked my neck! And he’s not even an attractive staggering old drunk!) I quickly moved out of the circle.

Not even 10 minutes later, Med School Mess was sitting down and talking with the guy. Easy target on both ends. Menen and I wanted to eat (they weren’t serving outside anymore). The other boys were catching an earlier train, so we left Med School Mess to flirt in peace. About 10 minutes later, my phone buzzes: Got a ride home. See you guys later.

Me: “Look at this text Med School Mess sent me!”

Menen: “Who did he get a ride with?”

Me: “I hope not that old guy. He was definitely too drunk to drive. Let me text her.”

Are you sure this is  good decision? Is he sober? Is it the guy who licked my back?!

No response unitl about an hour later: Um got arrested. 

Me: WTF?!

Menen: “Oh my god!”

Me: “Right? But if they would have arrested him, he’d be in cuffs, and they would have taken his phone. The guy who was driving probably got arrested, and he’s probably riding in the police car back to the station.”

MSM: That’s what I get for catching a ride from a rando.

Me: Are you okay?

MSM: Oh no. I’m having a great time. And the cops are cuuute.

MSM: I didn’t get arrested. Just the driver.

“I told you that bitch was fine,” I said, stuffing another handful of fries in my mouth.

Me: You’re a goddamn mess.

MSM: What?! This is exciting! I just don’t know how I’m gonna get home but I’m a big girl. :)

5 minutes later: And I’m still in my gaything suit in front of the police station. Looking for a light.

Around 10 or so, the hotel’s security started coming around with wrist bands for everyone so that we didn’t have to pay $12 to get back in. Menen decided to check out the club scene I’d heard so much about but had never stayed late enough to explore. Paradise seems to have 4 main areas: the pool; the dance floor; the restaurant (which converts into a dance floor); and the main lobby of the hotel, which turns into more of a relaxing lounge. 

Menen and I were happy to stay in the first dance floor area, which hosted country line dancing earlier in the evening. I went to check it out, but it was one of those complicated ones that only repeats like twice throughout the song. Too many bad memories of my 25^th birthday.

 

Around 11:40, we left to walk to the train. The line outside Paradise was about a 150 people long. We’re definitely going to need to spend the night sometime.

Did I mention that passing out for most of the ride back to Manhattan gave me just enough energy to stay awake and create a Grindr profile when I got home?  Yeah.

Click here to check out this outrageous Asbury Park trip from last summer. 

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