McSteamy Sex Tape Review (featuring Rebecca Gayheart and Kari Ann Peniche)

If you haven’t seen the Eric Dane, Rebecca Gayheart and Kari Ann Peniche Sex Tape, watch it here. If you can’t watch it (at work much?), don’t worry: I’ve provided a play-by-play description below. My review is below the picture of McSteamy.

Starts with both women on the bed scantily clad.

“We’re late for dance class.”

“We have to change.”

“Ballet.”

Jumps to a shot of indistinguishable flesh with a woman saying “bend over”.

Camera swings over to Dane walking up naked (low quality: can’t see the goods… at first).

Profile dick shot around 3:10 (backwards count). And a (not too impressive) butt shot from a 360 turn.

“It’s called something but he doesn’t understand, but he likes it… Girls know kama sutra.”

They’re listening to Nelly and Kelly Rowland “Dilemma”.

Dane: “I’m gonna get a lot of shit if I walk around like this, right?” or something like that.

First topless shot (around 2:50) Peniche on the bed.

She’s talking on the phone, and every other word is bleeped (names?)

Next is Gayheart in the tub topless. Looks like she’s pulling something out of her butt at first, but she’s actually posing with her hand on her hip, smoking a cig (joint?).

Dane and Gayheart tell Peniche that she’s a “friend” and a “great hang”.

They can’t figure out how to work the whirlpool.

“How do I turn the water off?”

“That’s the jets, babe.”

“It’s draining!”

Peniche: “We have to make it pretty ‘cause I’m a candle whore.”

Gayheart: “Now, I have to say… That I’m not like a huge advocate of drugs for whatever reason…” she starts laughing and passes the ‘cigarette’ to Peniche, who climbs into the whirlpool with her.

Peniche shows Gayheart showing how to turn up the bubbles. She then announces, “I have a rubber ducky and a rubber frog.” That’s where the tape stops. Total run time 3:34.

If only he looked this good on the tape!

This is hardly a sex tape. Basically, they’re hanging out naked getting drunk and high (not confirmed, but it seems pretty obvious from their interaction). The beginning starts out sort of like a classic porn set up with sexy voices and naughty looks from the women on the beds and then one women telling the other to bend over. But then it dissolves into mundane discussion of dogs’ names.

Even worse, Dane isn’t even hard! And his cock, while not lacking in the length department (at all) could be thicker. Maybe that’s what he meant by “I’m gonna get a lot of shit if I walk around like this [flaccid].” Let’s just hope he’s a shower in length and a grower in girth.

I'm guessing (read: fantasizing) that they had sex between the porn set up and the flaccid shot. The rest was just post-coital hanging out.

With the way they're struggling with the whirlpool, I would say the must be in a hotel, but there’s a shitload of candles in the bathroom. With Peniche lighting more every minute. And as for the “candle whore” comment, I’m not sure I want to be labeled as any kind of whore when I’m naked on camera. It seems as though Peniche was ignoring their whirlpool struggle while she was lighting the candles and didn't bother to save them til she was ready to get in.

That last paragraph tell you how non-eventful video is.

Okay, so they’re naked. That’s the most interesting part. Photo stills would have been the way to go for this unless you’re just obsessed with McSteamy (who was frankly kind of disappointing… not that he’s out of shape… not that he’s in shape), or you wanted to see some famous nipple. This is what gets edited out of reality TV because it’s kinda boring. The label sex tape is more than an exaggeration: it’s a complete misnomer.

Clich here to check out my latest album review: Ciara's Fantasy Ride.