Is it gonna start vibrating? (Tighty Whitey's housewarming)

Tighty Whitey’s roommate was having a birthday party on a Friday, so Tighty Whitey had her Hamilton Heights (Harlem) housewarming on the same night, inviting all her gay buddies. I made sure to go to the gym on Thursday evening so that I’d have time to take a disco nap after work on Friday.

The theme for the party was Zombie Prom, but Tighty Whitey had specified that one could come as either. I really don’t like the idea of wearing a suit at a house party (spill!), so a zombie I would have to be. But what could be convincingly zombie and still have my own unique flair (i.e., cost no money)? It didn’t come to me until the end of my workday: Abercrombie Zombie.

I woke up a half hour late (I swear something’s screwy with the nap setting on my alarm clock), and by the time I’d gotten my outfit and makeup ready, it was 11:30. I hadn’t had dinner yet, and I wanted to get something portable yet healthy (read: not the McDonald’s by the train station). It’s just my luck that I live in a neighborhood where bodegas are social hubs, and I really didn’t want to wait 15 minutes to play the how-good-is-your-English/my-Spanish game. It was about midnight (and raining!) by the time I got to Tighty Whitey’s. Thank god she isn’t on the East Side of Harlem!.

The party was pretty packed, and most people seemed to be at least a bit dressed up. Tightly Whitey excitedly gave me the tour of the spacious 4 bedroom abode, ending with his room.

Him: “Here, lie down on my bed.” He had a remote in his hand.

Me: “Huh? Is it gonna start vibrating?”

Him: “No, just lie down!”

I lay on the bed bracing myself for what was coming. I heard a mechanical hum, and my feet started to rise.

Me: “I cannot believe you got the old people bed! Why! Did you inherit it or something?”

Him: “It’s great for your back!” He jumped on the mattress next to me, pressing another button to bring our backs up. “I can sit up and watch tv comfortably.”

Me: “We could so never date.”

Back in the kitchen, shots were being poured. A TSWB that I didn’t know must have felt uncomfortable among all the revelry (as most who don’t know us would) because he crossed to the other side of the kitchen.

I turned around to check him out as he left the kitchen. Only he stopped just short of the kitchen’s threshold and turned towards my back. I didn't know this until I had turned most of the way around and had already started to blurt out “Who invited her!” My immediate instinct was to direct my statement at the first person with whom I made eye contact, and this person just happened to be Latifa (who just happened to be the only RG in the kitchen). I later explained my comment because I feared it could have come off as unjustly aggressive in the context, but she was miles ahead of me: “I knew you weren’t talking about me! I saw the boy walk by and your eyes follow him! And besides, you know who invited me!” she laughed, pointing to Morehead.

Around 1:30, I rallied the troops to head to Suite (I would have put in a vote for No Parking, but I really didn’t have the energy to stay up til 5:30am). Not long after we walked in, “Buttons” started playing. Why did Bottomless Pitt and I clear the aisle for an impromptu lip-synching/not-quite-voguing battle!

After that, things just started to get messy.

I was so distracted by what was going on on stage that I missed the hooking up going on right behind me. Okay, maybe not all of it.

Did I mention that someone who shall remain nameless sent me the following morning-after report?

Yeah.

(Honey, that's no top!)

Click here to check out the first time I met Latifa (not to be confused with Bunifa).

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