Friday, November 13, 2009

Sober Moment 11.13.09: Fun with Grindr

In honor of tonight's Grindr party at The Ritz, I've compiled an extended Fun with Grindr post! Grindr is a hookup social networking site that allows users to see how far other users are from them, chat, send pictures, and send their exact locations. And like any online service of this sort, there are absolutely ridiculous profiles. Keep in mind that these are just the ones I've come across in different areas of NYC over the past week!


"He has a boyfriend!"
"So what! You don't know what their arrangement is!"

If by 'funny' you mean 'AWESOME'!


Are you sure?

She might be white. If so, she's got a fierce tan, but I feel like the one-drop rule comes into play here (full disclosure: I know her IRL). Also, I worry when I see a profile that refers to a couple (not a boyfriend, a couple) and doesn't show both parties. That's how you end up saying nonsense like, "In a 3-some, someone's always more attracted to one person over the other."

YOU!

One is shirtless wearing a sarong, and one is sporting business casual. I get the feeling this vacation started with, "I'll pay for the tickets if you get us some boys!" Balance is key in LTRs (Long Term Relationships for those of you who don't do the online thing... catch up!).

Is that absolutely necessary?

They're both pretty in shape and relatively attractive. The backwards hat is forgivable, and the grabbing of the head could imply some hot, rough play to come. But something about this picture... well, to put it nicely, it's not doing it for me. Maybe it's the sight aggressive of man-tongue.

In case you were wondering.

I think the guy in the back is actually inside the front man. He's definitely making a yeah-you-take-that face.


"I tried to hook up with a guy I saw on Grindr, but all I did was smudge my screen."

Some pray for rain. I pray for sarcasm.

Based on that emoticon, the forcast looks dismal.

There was a time when the dumb jock thing was a turn on.

Then daylight savings time ended.

Well, lookie there: you answered your own question.

Dude, you know you can crop your picture before you post it, right?

I think you clicked on the wrong banner ad.



Nothing says "Looking for friends only" like nipples.

How the hell do you expect to make friends in that shirt!

Three letters: DSLs! (okay four)

Tops only.


I bet you are.


"It doesn't count if I don't cum." -Blink


"No, baby, we were just talking... at 3am... at his place... cause we're friends."

"How the hell did you meet this guy anyway?!" Good luck with that one, dude.

I've been looking for a friend with sexy lips nice pecs a good heart.

Call me.

Somebody gets it!

Will you please talk to Mr. Connect-with-Old-Friends!


"Hairy bear with fur who doesn't shave/wax."

Err on the side of caution: the pic might not be enough.

So make sure you say it in your profile heading as well.

Does this mean he's hairy for a Greek? (Whoa!)

Are we still using "ethnic" to describe people. I mean, that wouldn't stop me from breaking out the the pick and de-tangler to hit that, but still.

The difference between redundancy and emphasis.

Does anyone else have trouble distinguishing small Italian flags from Irish flags. I was gonna rag on him (off the boat /= Staten Island Ferry), but then I saw "born and raised. I live HK." I'd probably do anything he told me to with the accent and incorrect grammar. And I'm only joking if Grrber's reading this.


"Pecs?! I thought you said, 'Show us your pets!'"

Have you ever had a dog watch you have sex?

Most people would replace "on Grindr" with "through mutual friends." So props on the honesty with the first sentence. As for the second, even the dog doesn't believe that.

Have you ever had a dog jump in the bed while you're having sex?

iHave.

Come see the softer side of this total– wait, total what?!

Oh my god, I think she's serious.

Standing next to a horse on a hookup site.

That's confidence.

It's the newest trend in gay accessories.

LES?! I know people who don't have room for their dogs on the Lower East Side! Homegirl must be in Brooklyn with all that foliage. (LiES!)


"...just a preference."

As with any vehicle for sex socializing, there will always be issues of race. Many profiles mention preferences based on race. Some just make questionable choices. But for this post, we're not here to judge. Only to laugh.

I prefer red heads myself*.
Here's a way of saying what you like without closing off other options. Who knows: you could be that one dark-haired guy in the world that she's attraced to!

*While I do have a thing for red heads, I have much love for blondes and any other color hair (or lack thereof!).

Exclamation point? Really?

I guess that's better than the ubiquitous "white only... [insert sectional headline]"

This is just comical.

So in America, you don't have to say "white". White is the standard, and race is added to make a point in statement (I'm going somewhere with this; I promise). People say "big black guy" or "old Jewish lady" all the time, but they're less likely to give a white person a similar modifier (because if there's none, we all just assume s/he's white). So when you see someone call themselves a "White Boi", you can guess what his target audience is. He messaged me within 5 minutes of my taking this screenshot. He does have nice pecs...

We love acknowledge the inclusiveness.


Google: cheap plane tickets to Eastern Europe


Can you guess what his racial preference is?

Subtle hints like Just4us, "brotha looking 4 the same." Is one allowed to call themselves educated (period!) and not use capitalization? Or use 4 instead of for? These are important questions, people!

Can we have a short conversation about this?

I'm not even going to comment on this. I'm just gonna throw it on the table and step back.

Shonuff?


See, when I first heard the word "shonuff", it was in a very different context.


Did she really just...

Blackface? Really? Dude, this isn't Delta Phi. Keep it in the house.


Wow. Just wow.

These didn't really have a category, but they were too good not to share!

I have a feeling this won't change any time soon.
You know she lasted like 12 seconds on that bull. Max.

No Fats, No Fems, and...

Let's see: a Wall St. guy who feels the need to reinforce his supposed masculinity, and he's intolerant of vegetarians. Nothing too out of the ordinary here.

(But seriously: discrimination based on diet?! If I see "no lactards" on a profile, I'm ripping the guy a new one!)

Oh, buddy, I think you have that covered.
Seriously, I feel like if I paid this guy a compliment, he'd correct me with a greater compliment to himself: "Buff and muscles!"

Blasphemy!

Maybe if you had a glass of wine, you wouldn't have that stank look on your face!

And possibly too much eye makeup.


Silly me! A lady can never wear too much eye makeup.

Laughing fit or nightmares?

You'd wanna turbo hump some ass if you hung out in Times Square every night, too.

I see Elmo every time I come come from DR!P. But where the hell does he keep the iPhone?!

And in the spirit of fairness, here is my own Grindr profile.
Feel free to have at it in the comments section (I know my posture's pretty bad... and I'm not wearing underwear, but that could go either way).

I have so many more profiles to share! Look for them in future posts.

Click hereto check out how we got SoHo Crash to join Manhunt.

13 comments:

David said...

I loved this post, but as I scrolled down through each new category, I just kept thinking "Oh f*ck, here comes my profile..."

The Blackout Blog said...

It's funny: I haven't seen your profile on Grindr recently. Maybe I need to open up my age filter a bit more.


I only know 2 people that are posted on this one.

franck said...

Very funny.

As for your profile, at the end of January I will be close enough to appear on your Grindr...

The Blackout Blog said...

SHUT! UP!

Maybe I should change my distances to metric.

Urban Sprawl said...

I'm sure after tonight you'll have to post part deux

Kunka Kente said...

"Buenos" noches? Po thang, didn't do too well in first-year Spanish huh?

Wall St. guy had sexy-ass calves though. (I hope they're not implants...instant turn-off!)

The Blackout Blog said...

Kunta, if you can't tell, why should she?

Chris Collins said...

first 'guys I blocked on Grindr', then this. It is as if Grindr, or the whole of social not-working, is not ridiculous enough. ;p Good on ya for the post. LOVED IT!

http://guysiblockedongrindr.tumblr.com/

The Blackout Blog said...

CC,
That site is bananas! Thanks for sharing/commenting.

Kunka Kente said...

call me old-school. i just like my menz all real.

if we could all just go to the Doctah and get cut up to have the same proportions as each other...where's the fun, the individuality in all that? no me gusta.

The Blackout Blog said...

That's the beauty of the have and have-not system! You gotta have below average to have above average. That's why we go to the gym right (Miss Soc Major) ;-)

Alex C. said...

Loves it! I am tempted to join Grindr now.

~A

The Blackout Blog said...

*chants*
Do it! Do it! Do it!