those heels were NOT made for walking (Calipornia's costume party in drag)

It was a Friday when I trekked to Bottomless Pitt's place on the East Side to get ready for another night as Sheree from the Real Housewives of Atlanta. Pitt was originally gonna be Uma Thurmond in Kill Bill, but he really was close enough to Kim with the blonde wig.

Calipornia was throwing a party in a loft space in Chelsea, so we really just needed to cross town. But those heels were NOT made for walking (all 2 inches of them). And the sight of Bottomless Pitt in that skin-tight outfit trying to hail a cab on First Avenue was well worth the fare.

The day before, Calipornia had asked for body painting volunteers on Facebook, and i saw why when she greeted us at the door. She had 'dressed' in all white to be Michelangelo's David!

There was more to this costume, but(t) I gotta save that for Facebook.

There's really nothing better than a gay party on Halloween. Scratch that: there's nothing better than a gay party on Halloween with free liquor! And if Calipornia can do nothing else (besides have a nice ass), she can pull together an entertaining group of people for a party.

And while Calipornia wins the award for most daring costume of the night, I think most creative goes to one of the biggest alcoholics I know: Urban Sprawl. When I first looked, I saw the virgin Mary holding a baby. But I was SO mad when I looked closer at the baby.

Svedka. Saving gays from eternal damnation sobriety since 0 AD.

Oh, and hands down sexiest costume goes to the guy in the cropped “I am straight” shirt and the jock strap (also to be posted on Facebook).

Throughout the night, I gained a new understanding of how many black and Latin girls I’ve talk to feel when they complain about getting felt up when they go to clubs. I'm used to people wanting to touch my boobs in drag. Fine (weird, but fine). But my ass has always been there! Just because it's in a skirt and a couple of inches higher from the heels don’t mean all boundaries have dissolved! There's a person under this wig!

Around one, the alcohol dried up, so we (and a good third of the party) moved to the closest gay bar: XES. I could barely get a drink and use the bathroom (standing up, of course) before goddamn “Single Ladies” came on. Damn that DJ, and damn that open bar because my friends convinced me to do that damned dance. It’s over a year old! I was thinking about going out as Beyoncé in that video last Halloween, but nobody else knew the dance yet!!

So, we were doing the dance, and we got to the first set of “oh oh oh”s. My wig fell the fuck off.

And I don’t want to talk about that anymore, so let’s just say we moved on to Pieces.

Bronx Newbie, who has since moved to Harlem, had a friend in town who seemed to take a particular liking to me despite the wig and gender-reversed attire. Of course, I flirted back a bit. Bronx Newbie warned me: "Huge cock, total bottom." Uh, works for me, dude.

Pretty soon, I was over being in drag, so I went in the bathroom and changed into boy clothes, packing away the wig and washing off the makeup. I came out with my shirt off, but Bronx Newbie's friend didn't seem to notice me at all.

The Friend said something about hugging everybody and turned to me: "And I owe you a hug."

Me: "You hugged me earlier. I was about 2 inches taller and wearing a wig."

Him: "Oh, that was you?!"

Me: "Newbie, you guys taking the A train?... Wanna go now?"

Bronx Newbie’s friend (crossing 6^th ave): “So, where do I go to get my ass plowed?!”

Me: “Well, considering it’s about 3am and you haven’t managed to handle that yet, Adam4Adam might be your best bet at this point.”

He continued in that manner until the train came.

It seemed that Bronx Newbie’s friend had taken a liking to Gene-Erik, who was also catching the train with us. Gene-Erik responded to his interest by putting on his headphones. Guess she got Bronx Newbie's warning, too.

“…and I’ve been here since Wednesday. People keep saying it’s cold here, but it’s so much colder back in Minnesota! People don’t know cold here; I barely even have a jacket on. And what do I have to do to get a guy to bend me over and give it to me hard around here! I mean, I’ve been here since Wednesday, and it’s just like cock isn't season or something! Of course, it’s much harder when you have a 9” cock! People see my cock and automat—”

At that point, Newbie’s friend’s soliloquy was interrupted by me shoving my tongue down his throat. I’d already ruled out inviting him back to my place at that point (for the sake of my sanity). And his speech (not necessarily the subject on which he was speaking, I’m talking about his phonation) was getting on my nerves. I was sitting a good 3 feet from him, and he was obviously taken aback. In fact, he didn’t even open his mouth for the first second or two. And he was either less than enthusiastic or just a really bad kisser. But, thankfully, it did slow down the verbal diarrhea.

Did I mention that this wasn’t even Halloween yet? Yeah.

Click here to check out that time I called out the wrong name.

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