the woman from Millionaire Matchmaker on Bravo!

The Sunday after my birthday was delightfully sunny, and I was supposed to meet TTT at the Pier before heading to a new party (Phresh Sundays) on the roofdeck of Dream Hotel. Lines of communication got crossed, so I walked through a street fair in the Village to Gym Bar. I ran into one of Duplex’s friends who I always thought was pretty hot (but of course, I’m probably banned from doing anything with him for life). He was surprisingly flirty with me, which kind of made me uncomfortable, especially since Duplex was out of the country. Then again, Duplex had been talking to Bottomless Pitt online recently. But still, it was a bit weird (yet still kind of exciting).

As I approached Dream Hotel, I got a text from ASFKAB: Come to the dream hotel roof!!

I responded: Duh! as I greeted Tonka, the beloved bouncer lesbian of Vlada (she was working the door).

I got off the elevator into a sunny enclosed lounge area where I met ASFKAB. The bartender was a cute youngish bear that I had met two nights prior at a house party, and I couldn’t be happier when he told me they had a $5 special on peach cosmos (only from 2-4… after that, they’re a somewhat reasonable $8).

 

Eventually, ASFKAB suggested that we go upstairs to join the others. The space was downright amazing. Along with great views of midtown, there were cocktail waitresses in bikinis (serving $12 daiquiris), plenty of lounge furniture, and a DJ that mixed pop in with lounge music.

 

“Oh my god! That’s the woman from Millionaire Matchmaker on Bravo! She’s with that tranny!” MicHELLe exclaimed, pointing to the group of people headed down the stairs. I waited a few minutes before going down to get another drink (don’t wanna look like a groupie). When I got down there, the bartender was taking shots with the entourage, and I saw the long, straight brown hair from the back. . o O (Special treatment at the bar! It must be she!)

Turns out it was a transwoman with a long brown wig and with bangs. Fair mistake.

PS, those are high-heeled Tevas. 

I’m not sure what to make of the eyebrows.

After performing “Single Ladies” with MicHELLe, I left with the Long Island Gays for the Eagle.

 

There were women at the Eagle!! (Don't let the wigs fool you. Definitely Real Girls.)

In addition to the usual madness, ASFKAB asked to try on my cowboy boots with his shorts.

I may or may not have been jealous of the fact that he has the legs to pull off cowboy boots with shorts.

I left for Chi Chi’s by myself for shits and giggles, but I ended up meeting SoHo Crush and his softball team (which has gone from mostly upper/middle-income white to mostly Latinas who hang out on the Pier after dark) at Ramrod (formally known as the Dugout).

After a quick visit to the Pier (after dark!), we ended up at Boots & Saddle for Karaoke and ran into a guy with a “Diva” tattoo.  Did I mention I still had the shades from the Beyoncé party?

Yeah.

My Keri Hilson album review got twice as many hits this month as any other individual entry. Click here to check it out.

Note: you may find the "Topics of Discussion" on the right and the Cast of Characters to be of help in navigating this blog.

half naked screaming "Where's the taaaaaape!"

My birthday fell on a Saturday! AEOW!

Well, the day before, I trekked down to the E.Vil for a friend’s going away party with the Long Island Gays. Honey, I understand you’re going to be an eye doctor and all, but do you think you’re really going to need this much contact lens solution?

After a stop at DTox, where ASFKAB’s friend from dodgeball (whom I had met at Greenhouse on Easter) got me a dark shot (I’ll do Jäger, but it's one of two liquors I try to avoid... the other being whiskey), we decided we needed some Chelsea in our lives. We would have had to hail 3 or 4 cabs, but a ’99 Lincoln Towncar limo pulled over.

“Guys, it comes to $5 per person. Let’s go!”

Driver (with accent): “No, no, too many! Too many!”

ASFKAB: “It’s fine. Bologna is just really fat. Let’s go!”

So we pulled up to Barracuda in an old limo with no sunroof. Class.

I spent all of Saturday (and I mean all of Saturday) getting ready for the party. Since I was going to the Beyoncé concert the next week, I decided to make her the theme, calling the Facebook event "B'day Fierce: Green Light Means Hello" (a combo of song and album titles) and encouraging attendees to don Beyoncé related attire.

I'd lost track of time cleaning the apartment and decorating (includig a trip to a specialty shop in Chelsea for extra supplies), and when MicHeLLe showed up at 8:09, I wasn't even showered yet. I got her to mix the punches while I finished putting up the lights.

Other guests started arriving around 8:45, and I was running around the apartment half naked screaming "Where's the taaaaaape!" Finally, I ran across the street to buy more and jumped in the shower.

People really went all out for their costumes. MicHELLe put shoulder pads in a hooded black top under a corset and wore the Belize Navidad wig with glanmed out shades.

 

Donkey Hóte was straight up "Single Ladies" in the leotard.

Rutgirls went for the "If I Were a Boy" look with his cop outfit (TSWB in spandex pants, what!), but with the thin yaki ponytail, it came out a bit more Reno 911/white trash. 

Don Juan from San Juan was disturbingly convincing when he attached the yaki to his own ponytail.

While some thought Tighty Whitey's look was Lady Gaga, we reminded them that Beyoncé had this pink look in "Check Up on It", years before Gaga was on the scene.

Strategic hand placement.

I also have to mention that Tighty Whitey actually got me a present. I'm not one for giving/getting presents just for the sake of doing so (I move too much to keep up with empty material gestures), but he got me a "Bondage 101" kit. I fucking died (and then I left it out on my night stand)!

Silly Med School Mess, Beyoncé doesn't drink beer!

Denzelle dressed as the brother-in-law.

And with as many times as we’ve referenced the video for “Diva”,

I thought it’d be appropriate to recreate that look in (jesting) earnest.

I hadn't bought foundation since I've been in NYC, but I had a concealer palette that I had bought years ago when I cared enough to cover the dark circles under my eyes. In the sketchy light of my bedroom, I put on a comically fair mask (because Beyoncé got Cajun in her family) before applying eye liner and throwing on skinny jeans, platform heels, and a black Members-Only-type jacket. The finishing touch: shades with tinsel covering the lenses. 

Do you know how hard it is to do “Single Ladies” in heels?!

Notice the ring.

One of the features of the party (about which I was most excited) was the Beyoncé stick-figure comic art. I bought a shower curtain and dry-erase markers and drew scenes from her videos.

“Bootylicious”

“Bills Bills Bills”

“Diva”

“Crazy in Love”

“Get Me Bodied”

 

Unfortunately, I didn’t get a picture before SoHo Crush violated it, and that started a whole epidemic of adolescent cock-and-ball disease.

I blurred out Bottomless Pitt's name (which was attached to the arrow pointing to the artist formally known as Kelly).

Around 12:30, I herded everyone out of the apartment and around the corner to No Parking.

When I saw this picture, I thought they were dancing on my (roommate’s) couch! I was about to have to quote one of my favorite Beyoncé songs: "OMG! You done lost yo' mothafuckin' mind!"

I found Lionel since his birthday was a few days before, and we took a shot together. For the rest of the night, we were just our silly drunk selves having an awesome time!

SoHo Crush had a softball game the next day, so he stayed behind (and probably drank more). I got home to find him passed out and snoring in my knock-off Uggs next to a suggestively-placed mirror.

And I got none of this.

The quote of the night was when Fung Wah arrived and explained his costume as "that backup dancer in "Naughty Girl"."

"Um, you mean Usher?"

Did I mention that the morning after, for some reason, I couldn't get B. Scott of my head?

Yeah.

Check out my 25th birthday party. Click here.

Note: you may find the "Topics of Discussion" on the right and the Cast of Characters to be of help in navigating this blog.

She's an equal opportunity pig (NSFW)

TTT sent an email asking if anyone wanted to go to an open bar roof-deck party at some hotel on a Tuesday night. Some guy’s birthday, and, according to TTT, “this is a classy one.” He had responded plus 3. I was so there.

I ran home to change into something cute and headed to the R/W 8^th st stop, which TTT had suggested as a meeting place. Once TTT and Don Juan from San Juan arrived, we started walking uptown.

Don Juan: “Wow, we’re really near Union Square.”

TTT: “Yeah, who knew.”

Me: “Why didn’t you just tell us to meet there.”

TTT: “Well, the directions said that 8^th st was the closest stop.”

Don Juan: “TTT, where is this place.”

TTT: “Ummmmm…“

Me: “Wow.”

Don Juan: “Let me call my boss. She just had a bachelorette party there.” After he hangs up. “It’s on Bowery and 5^th.”

TTT: “5^th avenue or 5^th street?”

Me: “Doesn’t Bowery run North/South? I’m pretty sure it’s 5^th st.”

2 iPhones and a Blackberry later, we arrived to the line to get to the elevators. When we got to the front, TTT was talking to the doorman, and I heard, “Nope, just you. Not your friends.”

I’m not sure what TTT did. A phone call was made, and within two minutes we were personally escorted to the elevator by a woman with a headset. Of course, another bouncer singled me out, trying to stop me, but I briefly mentioned that I was “with her”, pointing and backing into the crowded elevator.

The following happened throughout the course of the party:

-We had more than 3 drinks

-Paris Hilton was allegedly in attendance.

-Richie Rich (of Heatherette) was actually in attendance

-TTT wandered off to find dick conversation

-TTT changed his mind about a guy mid-conversation and passed him off to me (by wandering away from our convo).

-I got the number of the supposed owner of a restaurant in the hotel who urged me to call him for parties and such (while he was rather successfully hitting on a girl).

-Said restaurant owner insisted I take shots with him.

And before I left, I got the following pictures of Petey the Pig.

She's an equal opportunity pig: she pinched my nipple, too.

Did I mention TTT passed out on the train and almost missed her stop?

Yeah.

Thursday was some open bar at some straight club. It was cute and all, but it’s the little differences between straight bars and gay bars that bother me. For example: the bouncer's job should be to check my ID and say “ok” or “Have a good time.” There’s no need for “What party are you here for,” if there’s only one party at the venue, there’s no cover, and there aren’t promoters who need credit for it. Rude!

Anyway, I gulped down 4 drinks there before a bunch of us peaced out for DR!P (which used to be on Mondays but has now moved to Wednesdays).

We got there a bit after midnight and had to stand in line (more straight club shit!... except this is at a hotel). Once we got in, we had to stand in line for the bathroom to change! “Why don’t we all go in the bathroom and change at the same time so we don’t have to wait!”

. o O (I would have suggested that, but y’all would have called me a perv!)

So we finally got in the bathroom (all 7 or 8 of us), and as were changing, Urban Sprawl pulled out a mini bottle of vodka. “Oh wow, Sprawl. Where are you gonna put it when you’re in your speedo? Or are you going to drink it now? No? Well, shit, let me have it then!”

Geronimo had brought a Real Girl along (who was changing with us), and she really got into the spirit of the party, wearing multi-colored feathered headdress (in the stereotypical Native-American style). Not without concerns, however: “I’m kinda worried: I didn’t see anyone else dressed in a costume!”

“Did you see the pool? You’ll be just fine, hun. There are plenty of people more dressed up than you are.”

See, I told you.

I spent most of the rest of the night staring at and taking pictures of guys asses fashionable swimwear.

Hol' up! Who invited her!

Urban Sprawl came up to me out of the pool. “I need you to hold my coat check ticket.”

When I tell you the ticket was wet, I mean this shit was soaked through!

“Um, maybe you should have thought about that before you got in the water, dude. A) It’s already falling apart. B) I’m dry!”

“FINE! Don’t hold it, then! I made you in this city, and I can destroy you!” he screeched, turning on his heel (still verbalizing the situation [drunken gesticulations included]) and hopping down into the pool.

. o O (Did she just threaten to “destroy” me? Drama queen!)

He must have forgotten that there was a sort of bench along the side of the pool (it's like a step where it's only 2 feet deep before you step down to the bottom of the pool) because he took another step and made a perfect arc with his head from standing upright to smacking the water’s surface. Luckily, there were no people in front of him.

Then this happened.

Filet-Ho-Fish did not approve.

Check it the video footage (you see everything he has to offer) on DudeVu (NSFW). Click here.

As I was getting ready to leave, I took one more walk by the pool and saw all these people gathering around and taking pictures of this older guy.

I was really and truly confused, but when I saw a random run up and swat his crotch and run away giggling, I died!

Full. On. Boner.

Did I mention that this was definitely worth almost falling asleep at work on Thursday? Yeah.

Check out the first time I went to DR!P. Click here.

Note: you may find the "Topics of Discussion" on the right and the Cast of Characters to be of help in navigating this blog.