Happy Halloween!

Here's a preview of my costume.

Never underestimate the power of a DIVA fan. Have a safe, calorie-filled, and alcohol-laden Halloween!


And click here to check out the outrageous costumes from last year's Halloween party.

Is it gonna start vibrating? (Tighty Whitey's housewarming)

Tighty Whitey’s roommate was having a birthday party on a Friday, so Tighty Whitey had her Hamilton Heights (Harlem) housewarming on the same night, inviting all her gay buddies. I made sure to go to the gym on Thursday evening so that I’d have time to take a disco nap after work on Friday.

The theme for the party was Zombie Prom, but Tighty Whitey had specified that one could come as either. I really don’t like the idea of wearing a suit at a house party (spill!), so a zombie I would have to be. But what could be convincingly zombie and still have my own unique flair (i.e., cost no money)? It didn’t come to me until the end of my workday: Abercrombie Zombie.

I woke up a half hour late (I swear something’s screwy with the nap setting on my alarm clock), and by the time I’d gotten my outfit and makeup ready, it was 11:30. I hadn’t had dinner yet, and I wanted to get something portable yet healthy (read: not the McDonald’s by the train station). It’s just my luck that I live in a neighborhood where bodegas are social hubs, and I really didn’t want to wait 15 minutes to play the how-good-is-your-English/my-Spanish game. It was about midnight (and raining!) by the time I got to Tighty Whitey’s. Thank god she isn’t on the East Side of Harlem!.

The party was pretty packed, and most people seemed to be at least a bit dressed up. Tightly Whitey excitedly gave me the tour of the spacious 4 bedroom abode, ending with his room.

Him: “Here, lie down on my bed.” He had a remote in his hand.

Me: “Huh? Is it gonna start vibrating?”

Him: “No, just lie down!”

I lay on the bed bracing myself for what was coming. I heard a mechanical hum, and my feet started to rise.

Me: “I cannot believe you got the old people bed! Why! Did you inherit it or something?”

Him: “It’s great for your back!” He jumped on the mattress next to me, pressing another button to bring our backs up. “I can sit up and watch tv comfortably.”

Me: “We could so never date.”

Back in the kitchen, shots were being poured. A TSWB that I didn’t know must have felt uncomfortable among all the revelry (as most who don’t know us would) because he crossed to the other side of the kitchen.

I turned around to check him out as he left the kitchen. Only he stopped just short of the kitchen’s threshold and turned towards my back. I didn't know this until I had turned most of the way around and had already started to blurt out “Who invited her!” My immediate instinct was to direct my statement at the first person with whom I made eye contact, and this person just happened to be Latifa (who just happened to be the only RG in the kitchen). I later explained my comment because I feared it could have come off as unjustly aggressive in the context, but she was miles ahead of me: “I knew you weren’t talking about me! I saw the boy walk by and your eyes follow him! And besides, you know who invited me!” she laughed, pointing to Morehead.

Around 1:30, I rallied the troops to head to Suite (I would have put in a vote for No Parking, but I really didn’t have the energy to stay up til 5:30am). Not long after we walked in, “Buttons” started playing. Why did Bottomless Pitt and I clear the aisle for an impromptu lip-synching/not-quite-voguing battle!

After that, things just started to get messy.

I was so distracted by what was going on on stage that I missed the hooking up going on right behind me. Okay, maybe not all of it.

Did I mention that someone who shall remain nameless sent me the following morning-after report?

Yeah.

(Honey, that's no top!)

Click here to check out the first time I met Latifa (not to be confused with Bunifa).

Note: you may find the "Topics of Discussion" on the right and the Cast of Characters to be of help in navigating this blog.

Sober Moment 10.29.09 Fun with Grindr

As part of my online marketing initiative, I've made a Grindr profile (Grrber's not exactly thrilled). For those of you who don't know, it's like Adam4Adam/Manhunt on your iPhone, and it uses your GPS to tell you how far away other guys are from you. You can chat, send more pictures, send your exact location, etc. And basically all my friends are on it (including those with boyfriends).

In addition to exposure for the blog, it's a whole new source of material! It's like people are just begging to be made fun of looked at critically for consideration in making your own profile.

Nothing says, "I live with my pack rat mother" like... whatever the hell is on the shelf! And props to dude on the throwback pose, but was he old enough to remember Kid 'N Play?

This profile may have a slim demographic, but I found myself within those bounds. I laughed my ass off when I saw it! Luckily I wasn't at the office. I think.

This next profile isn't exactly funny. I'm always wary of guys above 30 who self-identify as straight and have nice bodies (but they exist... allegedly). But it's good to see that a male/female couple can work after she knows he's into dudes.

I truly believe that a person can be bisexual without being confused, and it irks me to no end when someone tries to tell someone else that their feelings/attractions aren't valid.

Wanna know the quickest way to end a conversation with me?

LOLCat-speak. I'll admit, one or two LOLCat pictures have made me laugh out loud, but I really can't deal with people's making LOLCats out of themselves.

And of which fictional character does this profile remind you?

If I wasn't going to hell before... But really, did he have to lie down to the side like that?!

This next profile seems to imply what the text doesn't say.

Let's see: he's making a nasty-smell face; there are white tiles in the background; and he's holding a men's room sign. Yeah, I can't figure it out either.

Perhaps he should be a little less subtle as to what it is he's looking for.

Oh, and she definitely shows her face in this picture. Granted, the background isn't exactly visible, so it could be a phone picture in Ikea, but that's not nearly as much fun! I gotta respect the guy for going for what he likes, but did he really have to use the edit "cmdmp" when he's licking a toilet?!

Click here to check out Fun with Adam4Adam.

after the 5th rib and 2nd helping of home fries (Bottomless Pitt's Birthday Brunch)

Bottomless Pitt turned 25 on a Sunday and invited us over for brunch to celebrate.

I showed up a bit late, but when I got there, I put down my bottles of Andre and went directly to the table of food.

“Sorry, I’m about to kill the last of these ribs since there’s only a few things I can eat here [I'm lactose intolerant]. Hope y’all don’t mind!”

I’m actually pretty glad Grrber had to work because I was probably at my least sexy scarfing down greasy grub (I hadn’t eaten yet that day). I didn't even pay attention to the mimosas until after the 5^th rib and 2^nd helping of home fries.

My one question was: who the hell brought a box of milk-and-cereal bars to a gourmet brunch?!

As the brunch went on, the priorities of the invited guests became apparent. We had more than enough champagne to go around, but after an hour, the orange juice was long gone. This was a particular problem for me because I’d already had 2 plates of food and was wearing a tight shirt. Those bubbles were definitely not keeping my stomach flat.

The rest of the party centered around MicHELLe and I (along with a rotating cast of others) either acting out music videos or belting out the current song in the original key/octave.

And of course, Miss Gwendolyn Schumacher had to make an appearance.

Bottomless Pitt: “You guys found my fox fur stole!”

Me: “Honey, ‘faux’ supposed to rhyme with ‘though’. You don’t pronounce the ‘x’.”

Bottomless Pitt: “Asshole.”

Eventually, we were over the champagne, and at least 4 people had brought vodka (I would have also, but champagne’s cheaper). I went with Bottomless Pitt to the lab where he works to get some sodas for mixer (don’t ask my why we were getting drink from a damn science lab... or why I was okay with drinking them). Watching him chasse into his place of employment (a university hospital) in his pink “Boy Beater” tank top and home-cut daisy dukes was absolutely priceless. So was the look on the hot Latin security guard’s face as we walked by.

On the way out, I noticed an oil portrait of some old white guy (donor?) wearing a suit on the wall. I told Bottomless Pitt, “I hope you become some kind of famous scientist. And I hope they put a painting of you in the hospital exactly how you are now." Because let's face it: it's all downhill after 25 (love you, Grrber + anybody I've ever dated/WOOFed at).

Armed with mixers, we returned to the crowded dorm apartment. More yelling, giggle fits, and cocktails happened before we hopped in cabs to the grand opening of a party at Latitude, a straight bar in midtown.

The guy who was throwing this party is friends with me on Facebook (but I have no idea how he found me). He would always respond to parties I was going to, but I’d never see him there. I started a joke that someone had made a fake profile for him. So when I finally met him in person I introduced myself.

Me: “Hey, I’m D. Kareem.”

I just said this as a formality. Of course he knew who I was.

Him (without a glimmer of recognition): “Oh, hi. I’m [name].”

Me (slightly annoyed): “MORTAL! Cower before your social deity! Yeah, I know; we’re friends on Facebook.”

Him: “Oh, right!”

That’s real nice, hun…

The great thing about this party was that they had a $3 apple-tini and cosmo special. The funny thing was that it was a rooftop party. Unless there’s something I’m missing about this El Niño year, October isn’t exactly the best kick-off month for a weekly outdoor soirée.

After a few drinks there, we trained it down to the village. It was too early for karaoke at XES, which made it perfect timing for karaoke at Boots ‘N Saddle! Victoria Chase was overjoyed to see us!

The rest of the night is best illustrated through pictures.

Did I mention that Bottomless Pitt has no recollection of Boots ‘N Saddle? Yeah.

"Oh, come on. Not even in the bathoom!" (Open bar at Grace Hotel)

Calipornia emailed me an invite to an open bar party at Grace Hotel. Free liquor and speedos?! I'm so there! In other news via email, TTT said that he had talked to MicHELLe about the night before and that they were cool again. Thank god because the last thing I need is tension between friends.

I arrived at Grace Hotel about 15 minutes into the open bar to find everyone in street clothes (including my friends)! Well, I wasn't having it! I got myself a (free!) drink an ran to the bathroom to change into my outfit.

This is actually my outfit from three Prides ago... there may or may not have been a white Y-back thong visible.

There's a story behind this pic. I'll tell it later.

As one could imagine, there was almost no one in the pool.

But it should come as no surprise that the first glimse that I caught of The Sexican and Calipornia was at the bar window in the pool.

Most of the population was in street clothes, but one person's outfit was particularly distinctive.

She insisted that I take a picture of her. It wasn't long before she revealed her identity: remember Tinker Bitch from Pride?

'Tis she!

So once the open bar ended, a few more people got in the pool. I wandered a bit (because my friends were still being lame dressed), and I ended up running into an online acquaintance of mine (a very unexpected sighting indeed). After he snapped the above picture of me on the bar, his hand dove into my speedo.

"You're so fucking hot."

"Oh, well thank you."

"You gotta fuck me!"

"Oh! Oh my. Well, I'd be glad to. Not tonight, but let's talk later."

"Oh, come on. Not even in the bathoom!"

What! I was headed to Grrber's that night! I'd've thought he was rude, but whatever, he's hot (and I know you're reading this. Wink!).

Eventually, the alcohol started to kick in among the general population, and people started to strip down. One guy in particular was all over the place.

You'd think he'd never seen low cut swimwear boys in a pool before. When I saw that first picture going down, I whispered to Calipornia, "I didn't know they were shooting a video for Britney's '3' tonight! Peter, Paul, and Mary, gettin' down with 3 P."

At one point, the guy in the pictures hooked in one of my friends with the lifeguard float and pulled him close. The friend quickly freed himself from the float and swam across the pool.

"What's wrong with you?! He's cute!"

"Yeah, but he's either [nationality], [nationality], or Peruvian. They all have herpes!"

"Wow, and discrimination lives!"

"I mean, I study this stuff. Those countries have 50% recurance."

Even among the educated, discrimination lives. Besides, isn't it like 4 out of 5 in the US? Just sayin'.

Grrber had left me a message around 1:15 (I didn't have my phone on me), I called him back on my way out of Grace Hotel around 1:45 to see if he was still in Manhattan. No answer. I had to lock up after him last time I slept over, so I still had his keys.

. o O (Aw, he's probably asleep already since he has to get up at 8 tomorrow. I'll go crawl into bed with him.)

I unlocked his door and tiptoed in. When I turned on the bedside light, I was baffled by what I saw! A perfectly made, empty bed.

I immediately called him again. No answer.

. o O (What if he's bringing a guy home. That could be awkward!)

I sent him a no-questions-asked text: Hey, I'm at your apartment. Thought you'd be sleeping. Let me know what's up with you (or if I need to leave).

By 3, I had already changed and washed up for bed. I plugged my phone into his computer (on his side of the bed) to charge the battery.

. o O (It's not like we didn't talk about me coming over tonight. I don't know where the hell he is, but I'ma be pissed if I wake up alone tomorrow!)

I woke up to feel his back pressed against mine in the middle of the night.

Grrber had mentioned getting up at 8 for a project for [designer you've heard of]. According to him, he only had half a day's work to do. I woke up to the sound of a phone vibrating. Grrber stirred, but he didn't get up. I figured it was a call he didn't want to take or it was my phone (which usually isn't on his side).

The next time I woke up, it was entirely too bright outside. I got up and walked over to his side to check the time on my phone.

Me: "Hey, do you still have to wake up at 8 for work?"

Him (muffled): "Yeah."

Me: "Do you know it's 9:20?"

Grrber groaned a bit and didn't get up.

Me, curling up next to him: "Well, damn! I need to get into fashion so I can wake up an hour and a half late for work and just lie in bed groaning!"

Did I mention he ended up working til 6:30 (hung over) and still wasn't done, so he had to go back on Sunday? Yeah.

Speaking of bears, click here to check out this wild night that ended at Aspen.

Note: you may find the "Topics of Discussion" on the right and the Cast of Characters to be of help in navigating this blog.

Sober Moment 10.21.09: National Equality March Faux Pas

The National Equality March was an important piece of history in the gay movement for civil rights. While many came for political and philosophical reasons, many were just there to make a buck or find some dick (or do both).

You can bet that when a bunch of people gather in one place for a cause, there will be someone there looking to sell something, whether they agree with the cause or not.

3 strings for $5!

My guess: saving for an engagement ring for his girlfriend.

No, I think I'll pass on the pretzels from the trash can cart, thanks.

Yes, yes, but will you still be a lesbian after you graduate?

And guys, we’re here to show the nation that we deserve a piece of the heteronormative pie. Are your questionable fashion choices (or lack of attire) really helping our cause?

*to the tune of "Muffin Man"* Can you spot the muffin top?

Honey, that's no top!

Can you imagine being the C-SPAN stenographer trying to close caption "WOOF!"?

Oo! Orange is my favorite–

Was my favorite color.

Gay March does not necessitate sensible shoes, obvi.

Unless you're in drag.

She looked like a business man in the middle of the crowd.

"They got me workin' this march with this skinny motherfucker! What's his 100 pound ass gonna do if there's a fight! Luckily, it's nothin' but queens out here anyway! I should see if one of them can tighten up my edges! Lawd, they done started throwing glitter at each other again; I gotta go! Call you later, gurl!"

BTW, This is NOT a circuit party, gays!

Put

your

damn

shirt

on!

I mean, it was 65 degrees at best!

Note: I think it’s important for people to see the diversity within our communities. We come in all different wrappings, and each of those deserves equal treatment. It would have been very disturbing if everyone came in suits or business casual. While there’s something to be said for “playing the game” (believe me, financially successful black people say it all the time), we’re going for equal treatment under the law, not assimilation. Besides, the straight world has it’s exhibitionists and freaks, too!

Click here to check out my trip to DC for the National Equality March.