Duane Reade was a shit show (Halloween '09 in drag)

Due to a last-minute change of plans, my Real Housewives of Atlanta Halloween started off at TTT’s getting ready. Please tell me why she has a masters in Engineering and a) made her balloon boobs too big and b) couldn’t figure out how to untie the balloons to deflate them! Maybe federally funded student loans aren't such a good investment...

Anyway, once we were ready, we hopped the train on the way to an open bar at Vlada and ended up next to some ditzy girl who had the nerve to say that The Real Housewives of Orange County was her favorite Housewives show! It was all I could do not to blurt out that I was done with them after Jo left! Anyway, we couldn’t get to the open bar quickly enough.

There were all kinds of awesome costumes at Vlada for the contest, but TTT and I had to get downtown to meet up with MicHELLe, who was our Nene. Why did the bartender give TTT 4 drinks for us instead of 2 as we were trying to gulp on our way out the door (but best believe we finished all 4)! Even the inside of the Duane Reade was a shit show (that was our landmark for meeting MicHELLe). Once we found her, it was pure madness. She had gone to Food Emporium and bought a bag of peaches for us to pose with! I would have bought some too, but I couldn’t find any in my neighborhood. I bought cups of peaches in gelatin instead just in case there was some kind of city-wide shortage.

We really spent the rest of our time prancing around The Village and taking pictures with people (god only knows where those have been posted). We tried to stop by Pieces, but they were charging at $10 cover (pssh!). We dropped in on Miss Victoria Chase, who was hosting a costume contest at Boots ‘N Saddle. Why did I walk in find a 'white' drag queen?!

MicHELLe: “How this guy calling himself a Gucci Ghost when that’s clearly coach print.”

After a few more pictures on the street, TTT got a text from Med School Mess about a house party in midtown hosted by someone none of us knew. We ran (well, shuffled in our heels) to an uptown train, which was packed with people in costume! We noticed everyone was a bit tipsy (one guy had open Coors Light cans in his hands), so we may or may not have started the Lady Gaga/Beyoncé sing-a-long.

By the time we got to 42^nd St., Med School Mess and the crew he was with said they couldn’t get into the party. Apparently, some friend of a friend pulled a major douchebag move and told us to go to the party while he was still in Brooklyn (which wasn’t a huge surprise, looking at his track record of flakiness... and the fact that gays under 40 are not to be relied on).

While TTT was on the phone getting this news, a band of bridge-and-tunnel guys stopped in front of us on a pedicab. The leader of this pack had target written all over him.

Geez, I don't even know where to start!

Obviously referencing the played out Italian (watered down) stereotype.

You know it’s a recession when your Staten Island... residents aren’t even close to being orange!

We had to mess with him: “Oo, it says winner gets a ride! Hope I’m tall enough!”

Guido: “Dude, I’ll pay you double if you get us away from these guys! Run the light, man!”

Me as they pedaled off: “Does the Verrazano* have a bike lane?!”

After a stop (drink?) at Posh, I stopped by MicHELLe’s to change and wash off my makeup. She was so excited to show me her new bed that she broke the strap on her dress. We also decided that we needed to do brunch the next day in our costumes (why!).

MicHELLe remembered in the morning that her dress was broken, so she suggested a wig brunch instead, much to my relief. Apparently MicHELLe had her wig and boobs on when the others showed up (I was late).

After spending way more than I should have, we all migrated to Pieces for a bit of bingo (huh?). Bottomless Pitt was eager to go to Chi Chiz for 2-4-1 with the wigs, but I couldn’t deal with that much drinking (I was still getting over a flu-like sickness that had me out of work for 3.5 days!). Did I mention she managed to stay out late enough to make it to Greenhouse that night?! Yeah.

*the Verrazano is the bridge to Staten Island, NYC’s forgotten borough of suburban-ness. There’s one train that goes from one side of SI to the other, but none to Manhattan. Rumor has it that its residents are notoriously racist, and they have NYC’s only After Hours Formal Wear (my brother's wedding tuxes were registered there, but I went to the one in NJ).

Click here to check out the ridiculous Halloween party from last year.

Note: you may find the "Topics of Discussion" on the right and the Cast of Characters to be of help in navigating this blog.

Sober Moment 11.27.09: Fun with Grindr

In an effort to expand readership for the blog, I have whored myself out to very familiar websites (that have helped countless gay men expand other things in their lives): Adam4Adam, Manhunt, and BigMuscle.

It grows when you lie to him.

But this one tells the truth.

I used to draw on my shoes, too.

But not when I was 30.

Okay, if calling one's self "boy" at 25 is pushing it...

We put the "fun" back in "dysfunctional"!

But chances are, you'll want to.

*marks Ireland off The List*

Are Irish guys known for not being well hung. Serious question.

At first, I thought it was a typo, but it's there twice.

Does "state" acting always involve plaid?

Call me. Seriously.

Dude, I know you're reading. Shoot me an email or something.

Click here for more Fun with Grindr.

those heels were NOT made for walking (Calipornia's costume party in drag)

It was a Friday when I trekked to Bottomless Pitt's place on the East Side to get ready for another night as Sheree from the Real Housewives of Atlanta. Pitt was originally gonna be Uma Thurmond in Kill Bill, but he really was close enough to Kim with the blonde wig.

Calipornia was throwing a party in a loft space in Chelsea, so we really just needed to cross town. But those heels were NOT made for walking (all 2 inches of them). And the sight of Bottomless Pitt in that skin-tight outfit trying to hail a cab on First Avenue was well worth the fare.

The day before, Calipornia had asked for body painting volunteers on Facebook, and i saw why when she greeted us at the door. She had 'dressed' in all white to be Michelangelo's David!

There was more to this costume, but(t) I gotta save that for Facebook.

There's really nothing better than a gay party on Halloween. Scratch that: there's nothing better than a gay party on Halloween with free liquor! And if Calipornia can do nothing else (besides have a nice ass), she can pull together an entertaining group of people for a party.

And while Calipornia wins the award for most daring costume of the night, I think most creative goes to one of the biggest alcoholics I know: Urban Sprawl. When I first looked, I saw the virgin Mary holding a baby. But I was SO mad when I looked closer at the baby.

Svedka. Saving gays from eternal damnation sobriety since 0 AD.

Oh, and hands down sexiest costume goes to the guy in the cropped “I am straight” shirt and the jock strap (also to be posted on Facebook).

Throughout the night, I gained a new understanding of how many black and Latin girls I’ve talk to feel when they complain about getting felt up when they go to clubs. I'm used to people wanting to touch my boobs in drag. Fine (weird, but fine). But my ass has always been there! Just because it's in a skirt and a couple of inches higher from the heels don’t mean all boundaries have dissolved! There's a person under this wig!

Around one, the alcohol dried up, so we (and a good third of the party) moved to the closest gay bar: XES. I could barely get a drink and use the bathroom (standing up, of course) before goddamn “Single Ladies” came on. Damn that DJ, and damn that open bar because my friends convinced me to do that damned dance. It’s over a year old! I was thinking about going out as Beyoncé in that video last Halloween, but nobody else knew the dance yet!!

So, we were doing the dance, and we got to the first set of “oh oh oh”s. My wig fell the fuck off.

And I don’t want to talk about that anymore, so let’s just say we moved on to Pieces.

Bronx Newbie, who has since moved to Harlem, had a friend in town who seemed to take a particular liking to me despite the wig and gender-reversed attire. Of course, I flirted back a bit. Bronx Newbie warned me: "Huge cock, total bottom." Uh, works for me, dude.

Pretty soon, I was over being in drag, so I went in the bathroom and changed into boy clothes, packing away the wig and washing off the makeup. I came out with my shirt off, but Bronx Newbie's friend didn't seem to notice me at all.

The Friend said something about hugging everybody and turned to me: "And I owe you a hug."

Me: "You hugged me earlier. I was about 2 inches taller and wearing a wig."

Him: "Oh, that was you?!"

Me: "Newbie, you guys taking the A train?... Wanna go now?"

Bronx Newbie’s friend (crossing 6^th ave): “So, where do I go to get my ass plowed?!”

Me: “Well, considering it’s about 3am and you haven’t managed to handle that yet, Adam4Adam might be your best bet at this point.”

He continued in that manner until the train came.

It seemed that Bronx Newbie’s friend had taken a liking to Gene-Erik, who was also catching the train with us. Gene-Erik responded to his interest by putting on his headphones. Guess she got Bronx Newbie's warning, too.

“…and I’ve been here since Wednesday. People keep saying it’s cold here, but it’s so much colder back in Minnesota! People don’t know cold here; I barely even have a jacket on. And what do I have to do to get a guy to bend me over and give it to me hard around here! I mean, I’ve been here since Wednesday, and it’s just like cock isn't season or something! Of course, it’s much harder when you have a 9” cock! People see my cock and automat—”

At that point, Newbie’s friend’s soliloquy was interrupted by me shoving my tongue down his throat. I’d already ruled out inviting him back to my place at that point (for the sake of my sanity). And his speech (not necessarily the subject on which he was speaking, I’m talking about his phonation) was getting on my nerves. I was sitting a good 3 feet from him, and he was obviously taken aback. In fact, he didn’t even open his mouth for the first second or two. And he was either less than enthusiastic or just a really bad kisser. But, thankfully, it did slow down the verbal diarrhea.

Did I mention that this wasn’t even Halloween yet? Yeah.

Click here to check out that time I called out the wrong name.

Note: you may find the "Topics of Discussion" on the right and the Cast of Characters to be of help in navigating this blog.

Album Review: Lady Gaga's The Fame Monster

“Bless god and bless the gays!” Lady Gaga has released her new album, The Fame Monster. It was originally supposed to be a re-release with new tracks, but it’s being sold as a separate album and as a package deal with The Fame. It seems that Gaga’s been growing and showing more of her creativity in her performances just off her first album, so I was super excited to hear what she would put out now that her label trusts her to keep her fan base. Let’s just get right into the review, shall we?

Lady Gaga leads her album with her lead single, “Bad Romance”. Let’s say you’re driving down the freeway with your friend, and having never heard this song, you turn on the radio and miss the DJ’s announcement. While this intro is playing, you turn to your friend and say, “Who is this?... Is this who I think it is?...” The beginning is rather epic with Lady Gaga’s solo voice starting off with a cappella “oh”s and with the buzzing Neptunes-like synths coming in on the downbeat. And as soon as you hear “Gaga, oo lala!” and RedOne’s distinctively branded beat (he’s become as much a part of her style as Gaga herself, producing and co-writing 3 of her 4 top 10 hits), you and your friend yell “Oh shit!”, turn up the volume, and swerve your car across 4 lanes of traffic while dancing. This intro acts like a royal flourish and announcement. “Rah-rah-ra-a-ah…” may as well be “Make way for the Queen!” Everything about the track during the verse says electronica/dance, especially the kick on every beat and the electronic bass line on the off beat. Plus RedOne uses a ridiculously exaggerated reverb/delay on the vocals. And the electronic buzzes that come in after “I want your love” make that declaration 10x more dramatic. They also bring in a chorus-like instrumental element to break up the verse (i.e., the verse is typically sparse, but the buzz makes the track feel full like a chorus). Over the spoken pre-chorus, the bass line goes back to the “Rah-rah-ra-a-ah!” and it sounds like dark trance for 4 bars before exploding into a cacophony of synths in the chorus. Oddly enough, RedOne doesn’t use many layers in the chorus to create this sound because the sustained synth chords are so full by themselves. Even the percussion is simple with only the hard kick drum, the reverb-heavy snare (think electronic bull whip), and the clicks that happen at the end of each bar. The chord progression really makes the chorus move, and the chorus’ writing teeters on laziness and brilliance. The words are basically the same both times, but the rhythm changes slightly, and one note moves a half step (“bad” in “bad romance”). And the full-throated “oh”s are a great sonic contrast to the nasal “caught in a bad romance” that immediately follow. In the second verse, I absolutely love Gaga’s dramatic sigh after that first set “love”s; it reflects the desire (or even desperation) of this song. And there’s nothing better than a perfectly lip-synched “’cause I’m a free bitch, baby!” At first, I thought the “walk walk fashion baby” interlude was pointless, but it does provide a good transition between the explosive chorus and the gentle bridge. And when you’ve run out of things to say, say the same thing in another language (I’ve done the same thing in my songwriting as well)! And what can I even say about her screaming, “I don’t wanna be friends!”? The adlibbing at the end is well calculated, for the most part, and embellishes just enough while letting the song do the heavy lifting.

And I can’t even begin to comment on the video, but I will say that Lady Gaga actually looks good dancing. And she’s got a polar bear cape!! I know at least two people who still haven't seen it, so here you go.

“Alejandro” starts out w/ violin solo and a badly accented monologue from Lady Gaga (hopefully, she’s purposefully being campy). This song has a strong presence of Ace of Bass’s “Don’t Turn Around” (the instrumentation with gentle synth chords on the off beats) and “All That She Wants” (in the melody… frankly, both songs have a strong presence of each other… look down, Max Martin!). The melody (both the chorus and the verse) is immediately catchy, and for some reason, I love the two beat pick up. The instrumental for this song is also synth-heavy, yet it’s more light airy synths than “Bad Romance”. RedOne (who, lest we be confused, worked his signature horn into the track) does the exact opposite for this verse of what he does in “Bad Romance’s” verse, using the chords to carry the instrumental rather than the bass line. Gaga’s vocals on the verse have a 2-beat phased-out delay that not only creates a cool echo effect but also fills in the space between the sparsely written lines. The bridge is basically a really good rewrite of the chorus, but the production is flawless as it builds from gentle echoey vocals over synths and the aforementioned violin solo to a breakdown of the first part of the chorus. Twice in this song, RedOne does a snare that acts as an instrumental brick wall preceding a short a cappella, and it’s brilliant (and appropriately early-90s) both times (see :29 in “All That She Wants” and :32 in “Alejandro). The words to this track aren’t all that deep, but I have an emotional response every time she sighs “Alejandro”. With the exception of the monologues with the bad accent, the delivery of this song is moving and authentic.

The first sound we hear in “Monster” is the RedOne horn. The intro to the track starts out with a slow scale in sustained synths that sound like an old-school Madonna song. The verse carries an 80s feel, but it takes the listener’s ear a second to realize what’s happening because the same synths switch to short punctuating chords. Then we hear something that’s totally unexpected from RedOne: syncopation! It comes in the form of hits on a very dramatic electronic drum kit. Everything about this pre-chorus from the over-the-top 3-part harmony (we haven’t heard much of that on this album so far either) to rhyming “seen you ‘round before” with “got down on the floor” is so totally and fabulously 80s. But then the chorus goes back to RedOne’s typical square rhythm, which, while providing sonic contrast, is a bit of a let down when combined with the not-as-catchy chorus. In fact, the chorus comes off as a less catchy version of the chorus for “Just Dance” (also produced by RedOne). There’s an interlude after the 2^nd chorus that made me upset because I thought it was the bridge (lazy!), but it was really a transitional element into the actual and awesome bridge.

What’s up with artists evoking Queen lately?! The track for “Speechless” has a very dramatic opening, but Lady Gaga’s vocals seem inappropriately subdued and low in her range. With it’s piano, guitar, bass, and drum set, I’m sure this is the type of music that Lady Gaga really loves to perform (moreso than the high-energy electronic dance that’s making her rich). The song just doesn’t seem to fit her; it’s almost like she’s doing good karaoke or covering someone else’s song in a performance. I just feel like I need more from her voice (and I’m surprised that producer Ron Fair let it out of the studio with that sound). Maybe it’s the key. The “ah”s in the background vocals do an amazing job of complimenting the instrumentation in building the tension throughout the song. It’s the kind of song that a dance artist does that they can actually “sing”, but it doesn’t quite get there for her.

After an intro of distortion and moans, “Dance in the Dark” drops a dance-synth intro with hard-hitting kicks on every beat. Apparently she’s still “a free bitch.” Again, we have sparsely-written verses with echoes filling in the spaces between lines. The verse feels short, since it’s really only 4 bars worth of actual words. The instrumental is mostly bass and percussion during the verse with just a hint of cymbal on the off beat, so it almost comes off as a rock track. This song helps to provide contrast for the album while still keeping Gaga in her element. The bridge is a mono-tone spoken segment that reads much like the bridge to Madonna’s “Vogue”, right down to the listing of iconic females (except Gaga throws in Liberace for the gays).

“Telephone” starts out with a gentle harp solo under Gaga’s first verse, and I wish she would have cooed the vocals to match. The listener would have been expecting a ballad, but we hear a “hey!” in the background just before the hard-hitting dance beat drops. Anyway, the second verse (a repetition of the last line acts as a buffer between the verses rather than the actual chorus, building even more tension) brings in buzzing synths and the expected square rhythm with a hard kick on every beat. It’s very RedOne like, but it’s not he who is behind the boards. Rodney Jerkins (aka Darkchild) definitely did his homework before presenting this track to Lady Gaga. The double claps at the end of every other bar as well as the drum fill at the end of the second verse are examples of the difference in style between a hip-hop/R&B producer and a pop/dance producer. Also, in the chorus, Jerkins has a melodic line in the synths over the chords, whereas RedOne is more likely to have only synth chords carry his choruses. I didn’t see background vocals credited, so I’m going to assume that Lady Gaga’s finally giving us some upper range in the chorus, hitting an F5 (believe it or not, I’ve heard recordings of her squeezing out an F#5 full voice). Jerkins throws in a fun post-chorus run-off with vocal samples to make a sort of chanted melody (I wonder if this is what the “special effects” credits refer to), but then tacks on an actual post-chorus chant with words that’s highly catchy (if wordy). Jerkins changes the track just enough for Beyoncé’s verse to evoke a hip-hop/R&B sound (more percussion with 16^ths in the cymbals and a syncopated kick drum, less synth) that’s totally independent of the pop/dance genre, but it somehow fits with the rest of the song. Beyoncé does a sort of 3-note sing/rap for her verse, but there are sporadic harmonized background vocals that punctuate her phrases. While I’m sure we can all relate to the lyrics (I can text with a drink in my hand, but double-fisting at an open bar complicates things), there’s a theme of unusual syllabic placement (e.g., stressing the last syllable of “kinda busy”). It doesn’t quite work and reads awkwardly; however, this will not stop me from screaming and swinging my hair if this comes on at The Ritz (DJ Xavier, can you hear me?).

“So Happy I Could Die” starts out with phased out sitar-like strums under auto-tuned “eh-eh”s that scream The Dream. When the verse comes in, producer RedOne brings in a marching kick drum that hits hard for such a laid-back song and is not accompanied by a snare. He then switches to more hip-hip influenced, syncopated percussion. As I was listening, I kept thinking I was getting text messages, but I realized that the track has the sound of iChat/iPhone’s messenger in the background (the one that slurs up… I believe it’s the one for sending a message). While this is a well- produced track with a somewhat catchy chorus, it just doesn’t really stick out to me. If it weren’t for the “Eh-eh”s, I probably would never remember it.

“Teeth” is a little disturbing because reminds me of Roots with slave masters wanting to see slaves’ teeth on the auction block. And the jug-band instrumental mixed with the tribal-sounding samples (like literal tribal with witch doctors and shit) didn’t help. But it turns into a brilliant blend of acoustic and electronic instrumentation. Further distinguishing this song from the others on this album, producer Teddy Riley (been a while since you heard that name, huh?) employs actual, real live background vocalists, and they get into some awesome, crunchy chords! Teddy Riley’s teenaged-daughter Taja earns secondary writing credits. I wonder which of them came up with the phrase “bad girl meat”. I love the ambiguity of the line “Show me your fangs” (I thought it was “show me your thang”)! I’m also really into everything that happens in the last bar of the chorus.

The iTunes version of The Fame Monster comes with “Bad Romance (Starsmith Remix)”. After the first 10 seconds, I was already annoyed with the seemingly incessant repetition of “caught in a bad romance” with no variation in volume, eq, or filter. It was literally just cut and pasted about 30 times for the intro. Starsmith puts a strange delay on the vocals, and lays down more of a loungey, 80s-synth-heavy track. Starsmith follows the chord progression of the original chorus, but the chromatic line that works so well in the original mix comes of as kind of hokey with Starsmith’s instrumentation. It seems an ill match for fans of Lady Gaga’s music, but it could prove useful for house DJs who want to throw a pop music reference into their set.

Just for fun, Totally Tyler sent me two tracks that apparently didn’t make the cut for this album. “No Way” is a brilliantly written caught-you-red-handed song that starts out with piano, slowly bringing in electronic percussion and turning into a full-on electronica track that has whispers of Wyclef Jean’s “Perfect Gentleman” (“just ‘cause she dances go-go/ that don’t make her a hoe, no”). It could have been a very cute addition to the album. “Filthy Pop” highlights how much Gaga has stayed away from sounding like Gwen Stefani on this album. It’s cute, and it has an early 80s pop/R&B feel to it. But it wouldn’t have really added much to the album.

I thought this album was great, and I wish more artists would cater to my short attention span put out EPs with less filler. If your 8 songs make an impact, save the rest for box sets and special editions! That being said, we still need full albums, too, because with less variety, fans don’t get as many b-side gems that, despite their awesomeness, might not work for radio. Gaga knows that her bread and butter are the infectious dance hits that make girls and gays jump around, and she gives us that. She also give us some emotional songs, some acoustic songs, and a collaboration with Beyoncé. And how many females have you seen Beyoné pair with *pats Solange on the head*! It’s just enough material to give her a great set list for her tour and make a shit-ton of money. Well played, Gaga. Well played.

Suggested Tracks:

“Bad Romance”

“Alejandro”

“Monster:

“Telephone”

Maybe:

“Speechless”

“Teeth”

Click here to check out my review of Lady Gaga's The Fame.

Click here to check out my review of Beyoncé's "Video Phone Extended Mix" featuring Lady Gaga.

The theme was a circus (drunk brunch, The Monster, and Dougie Meyer's birthday)

Knowing that shouldn’t be spending that kind of money or drinking that much, I dragged my ass down to the Village for unlimited drink brunh. Did I mention that we had invites to Dougie Meyer’s birthday with circus acts and an all night Grey Goose open bar?

When I arrived at Garage, I found we had a table of 8 on the sidewalk of 7^th Avenue within eyeshot of Christopher St. When I took a look around the table, it was like déjà vu! I’d never seen so many walks of shame in progress fashion encores in one place among my friends! Tighty Whitey’s boy scout “service” project had obviously continued into the morning, and Dandy-Lion had gone from a fortune cookie to an empanada. BTW, she was only wearing (very cute) undies under that poncho.

As we enjoyed the unlimited drink special (and very good food… too bad we were too loud to hear the jazz music coming from inside), the boys filled me in on how Bottomless Pitt and I missed the previous night's game of Spin the Bottle when we left for Chi Chi's. I’m sure it was great drunken fun, but unless it ended up with an unlikely pair going home together (which it didn’t), I’m just fine with hearing about and not watching my friends futilely make out with each other.

TTT: “Oh my god, The Monster! Why have we never been there?”

Me & Bottomless Pitt in stereo(type): “They always have a cover.”

TTT: “It’s Sunday afternoon. I’m sure they don’t have a cover this early.”

When we walked into The Monster, TTT’s question was immediately answered. The average age had to have been about 60. I’d been to The Monster when I first got to New York, and the social scientist in me kind of enjoyed it then. But I stopped going for a reason.

On the other hand, I have this thing about walking into a bar as a group that’s younger than all the patrons and walking right back out as if to say we’re too good for the crowd (ever been to Ty's?), so I suggested that we go downstairs since the upstairs bar was packed. There were about 4 people downstairs, but the music was cute (so was the bartender). And don't get me started on the $4 long islands!

Just as we had gotten our drinks, a very short, very cute white guy in a sweater approached our group: “There’s a guy upstairs looking for a group of tall slim black guys…” I already didn’t like where this was heading. “Do you guys know a guy in a… like, wearing a sort of flow-ey thing?”

Me, after a pause: “Oh, yeah we do! How the hell does Dandy-Lion always get lost?”

Short ‘n Sexy pulled out a walkie-talkie: “I found ‘em. They’re downstairs.”

Me, after he left: “Did that sound like a Craig’s List ad to anyone else at first?”

We went back upstairs near the piano, and it literally smelled like an old person farted. They had started with the show tunes around the piano.

I looked to my left and noticed a familiar face among the crowd: an older, muscular guy from XES who had done the most hilarious version of Whitney’s “I Have Nothing” I’ve ever heard (it included "didit-nn-didit-nn-didit," and it was amazing). He mouthed "you look beautiful" to me, and I blushed and looked away, giving his swelled biceps a mental squeeze.

It wasn’t long before we finished our drinks and ran to Pieces. A couple of Euros walk into the bar after us. I assumed they were German. Bottomless Pitt started in on the hot one, but ended up making out with what we soon learned was his boyfriend. The Euro who made out with TTT ended up getting super drunk and buying us 2 rounds of (very unneeded) long islands. We tried to convince them to come with us, but they were hell-bent on getting dinner in Chinatown.

And then we went to Splash. When most people would have gone home to bed, we were heading to an open bar party. The theme was a circus, and everything from the little person running the door to the dancers and acts inside followed the theme. Even Dougie and his boyfriend were done up in makeup.

The rest of the night was a blur. But thankfully, I had a camera to help my recollection.

There was DivaSteve and his date.

The birthday party downstairs... more hilarious photos to come... you don't even know!

The pole dancers.

The contortionists.

And a whole bunch of other images you’ll have to catch on my Facebook profile next week.

Did I mention that I ended up making out with Mr. didit-nn-didit-nn-didit on the street (hey, at least it wasn’t on an avenue)? Yeah.

Click here to check out my first Hanukkah celebration (complete with Long Island Jews!).

Note: you may find the "Topics of Discussion" on the right and the Cast of Characters to be of help in navigating this blog.

I’d shave my facial hair for drag (Pieces Halloween Costume Contest)

A few weeks ago, MicHELLe came up with the bright idea that she, TTT, Bottomless Pitt and I should be the Real Housewives of Atlanta for Halloween: Pitt would be Kandy; MicHELLe would be Nene; I’d be Sheree; and TTT would be Kim. MicHELLe insisted that we do the costume contest at Pieces the week before Halloween, but she ended up bailing because it was her roommate’s boyfriend’s birthday (I don’t get it either). We couldn’t let one girl dropping out hold back our fun (not after I spent $150 + on my costume!), so TTT and I agreed to get ready at his place. Bottomless Pitt was meeting us at Pieces.

TTT was still scrambling for elements for her costume when I arrived (as in, she was around the corner at Ricky’s Costume Shop). Plus she still had no make up! We went down the street to Rite Aid and raided their cosmetics section. I’m actually pissed because most of the money I spent was on makeup, and Rite Aid had buy one, get one 50% off on almost all of theirs!

We had to be very strategic about our costumes. I knew my hands would end up a mess if I tried to paint my nails, so I bought gloves. TTT knew he wouldn’t have to shave his legs if she got the right tights (thankfully, she didn't wear the ones pictured above). She ended up taking a half hour shower, which I didn’t understand until she came out with a smooth chest. One would think that I’d shave my facial hair for drag, but that one hasn’t seen me cleanly shaven. Plus Sheree’s manly; it goes with the costume!

Once I finished my makeup (I had to run back out to Rite Aid for eyelash glue in full makeup with no costume because my fake lashes didn’t come with any!), I started on TTTs. I’m kind of mad because all the Bare Minerals foundation I got did was make my face look ashy (and I got the darkest one they had!). But I did some pretty good highlighting and strategic shading on both of us. I was pretty satisfied with the comedic value of our end products.

Our first stop was Duplex’s duplex. He was having a 40^th birthday party, opting for a more intimate get together than his usual over the top Halloween bash (it was featured in Next Magazine one year). Did I mention we were the only ones in costume?! Duplex’s friends couldn’t get enough of us. And the best part: they had a DIVA FAN!

After an hour or so there, we hopped in a cab to Pieces, arriving just in time to enter the costume contest. Vodka Stinger brought each of the contestants up on stage individually. What I didn’t realize was that Bottomless Pitt had entered herself separately as Whitney Houston, which was actually pretty appropriate, considering her look.

“So if y’all, me, or Med School Mess wins, the winner buys the others drinks!” Fair enough.

Did I mention that Med School Mess did a lil man-drag, too?

[Poke-A-Hot-Ass]

When hostess Vodka Stinger called us up on stage for the costume contest, TTT and I got into an impromptu fight.

But best believe I wasn’t putting down my purse to pull her wig!

It couldn’t have been more than a minute after the last contestant got on stage before Vodka was ready to announce the winners.

Vodka: “And in 3^rd place: The Real Housewives of Atlanta!”

TTT: “Oh my god! We won!”

Me: “Third place?! WTF!”

Actually, I can understand her decision. The other costumes were very much venue specific and kinda brilliant. Second place went to a Vodka Stinger replica.

And first place went to Pieces on a Thursday night.

I got our prize money from EE, the hot owner of Pieces who always makes sure to say as little as possible when he interacts with me (tonight being no exception), and I went to the bar to order 4 tequila shots.

For some reason, Bottomless Pitt had a bee in her bonnet to get to Chi Chi’s that night. I couldn’t resist because… well, it was all too tragic. When we arrived, the first person I saw was the 50-year-old transwoman who had hit on me several months ago. When she finally realized who I was, her look of utter shock was priceless!

After a drink there, Bottomless Pitt dragged me down the street to The Hangar, where she loudly complained to my 2nd favorite hyperactive bartender (whatever she’s on, I’ll take two) that we missed their late night 2-4-1 deal. The bartender promptly served us both and charged us for one.

I felt like I blinked, and the lights came on. “Shit! I have to change!!” I ran into the bathroom to wash the makeup off. Thank god I remembered the eyelashes! In five minutes flat, emerged from the bathroom to the staff’s exclamations: “Oh my god, she walked out a man!” Did I mention that I had packed a change of clothes and shoes in my huge orange mom bag? Yeah.

Click here to check out my review of "Video Phone (Extended Mix) by Beyoncé featuring Lady Gaga.

Note: you may find the "Topics of Discussion" on the right and the Cast of Characters to be of help in navigating this blog.

Music Video Review: "Video Phone (Extended Mix)" by Beyoncé featuring Lady Gaga

So while you were screaming out the chorus to “Bad Romance” while it wasn’t even playing in the club (wait, did I just tell on myself), Beyoncé and Lady Gaga premiered their new collaboration: “Video Phone (Externded Mix)” (see below if YouTube takes it down). The video clocks in at 5:02 (extended indeed!), and is quite the experience. I couldn’t wait to see how they were going to contain Lady Gaga and Beyoncé in the same frame!

The beginning of this video is epic! Slow motion Crazy-in-Love-esque runway walk flanked by men in suits! Only thing is, I didn’t know if it was Beyoncé or Lady Gaga with that Rihanna hair (she would have been my first guess if I weren’t familiar with the song). But I feel like I’m about to have an epileptic fit from the slow motion juxtaposed with the black-and-white-to-color strobe effect (must have been a bitch to edit!). Seizures aside, the pointy hair, the dark makeup, and the outfit (I want that coat!) are a hot look that we’ve never seen from Beyoncé before, which says something when an artist averages well over 5 looks per video.

I absolutely love the guys with the camera heads! They’re like sexy absurdist comedy (actually, that’s more or less how I pictured Tralfamadorians in my head… you get points if you didn’t have to google). It’s like, “Yeah, he’s got a camera for a head, but he could get it.”

I’m loving the phone-parts bikini and the vogue ball realness she gives us (toss that braid, girl!) with the visual equivalent of an echo. And when they zoom in, you can see the brilliant makeup job, especially the lip color. From the first line, there’s something about this song is extra ghetto, and I love that they have her chewing gum (and not even bothering to lip synch). Takes me back to patting the cornrows in “Check Up on It”.

. o O (Hold up! Is Beyoncé naked?!)

Again, the strobe effect is a cool idea, especially with the tight shot on Beyoncé’s eyes, but it’s a bit much on the viewer.

Military: yes! Gawdy clutch: yes! Horrendous hot pink nails: WORK! Fabulously complements Beyoncé’s atrocious British accent in that line.

I live for her swoon after “leave my number in your video phone” @1:50 and will try to work that into conversation this week.

. o O (Oh, it’s just a flesh-colored bra! Thank god!)

Baby blue ¾-length cocktail gloves?! STOP! And pink! I can’t!! But what’s up with the guns?! Maybe a pun on “shooting” someone?

The brilliant thing about this video is that you know Lady Gaga is coming; you just don’t know when. So when I saw a body in a bright pink blazer tied to a chair with a blue bag over its head @1:40, I almost spilled protein shake on my laptop. Then I realized that was a man. Lady Gaga finally does appear in all white. Her hair looks great (read: believable as real hair), but can someone tell her to hold still! She brings it on the pose @2:38. But she gets very Elaine from Seinfeld slash Shakira in “Shewolf” @2:45, and I wonder if she fell down just after @3:23. Beyoncé unequivocally familiar with the danger of swinging around a bunch of fake hair!

Again, I didn’t know who was on the screen @2:52. Why does Beyoncé look white?! But the Wonder Woman-looking costume is a hot look with the be-banged wig.

I was really disappointed that Lady Gaga only had one look in this video. They really only did two angles of her in the same outfit. Even worse, it’s an outfit that compliments Beyoncé’s shape much better, and most of Gaga’s face time is right next to Beyoncé in the same outfit! On the other hand, Beyoncé has new looks throughout the video. Unlike most videos, we don’t see her last look and set until there’s only 30 seconds left in the video (and you know I’m loving the orange and the motorcycle)!

All of my friends know that I haven’t really been impressed by Lady Gaga’s dancing so far. Not that it’s bad, but I rank her dancing a step above Christina Aguilera’s. However, I have to say that she looked great dancing next to Beyoncé. With the exception of a couple of hits on the chair, I’d dare to say she kept up. Even Gaga’s body rolls, which are definitely a hallmark of Beyoncé’s dance style, looked good.

I love the end with the retrospective of all the different looks in the background of the slow motion wind-on-the-bike shot, but I wish there was a more epic ending shot to balance out the opening shot. Maybe Gaga and Beyoncé walking together from the back in slow motion (sans the suited-up body guards), toting those ridiculous guns.

In the end, I think we walk away with quite a visual experience. The looks are great, and it doesn’t get slow or boring. It’s not nearly as epic as “Single Ladies” or “Paparazzi”, and I don’t think we’ll be talking about it 3 months from now. But what stands out most to me is how plain Lady Gaga appears. We get nothing daring or out there, and her one outfit doesn’t really look that great on her. It's as if she was like, “Sorry, I only have an hour! Let’s just get done what we can!” (Okay, maybe more like 4 hours… no crew could get hair/makeup/wardrobe and film a 30 second dance sequence in an hour).

I have to talk about the track itself while I still have the mike *tap tap*. We’re used to Beyoncé’s big notes and 24-note runs, but both trademark elements are almost completely absent in this song from her. Her vocals are subdued throughout, and she doesn’t once belt. I can appreciate the contrast of Lady Gaga’s voice, but I can’t understand why she would throw in runs on this track. It just doesn’t seem to match up or compliment the rest of the song, and seems like she’s trying a bit hard.

Click here to check out my trip to Vegas.

Sober Moment 11.13.09: Fun with Grindr

In honor of tonight's Grindr party at The Ritz, I've compiled an extended Fun with Grindr post! Grindr is a hookup social networking site that allows users to see how far other users are from them, chat, send pictures, and send their exact locations. And like any online service of this sort, there are absolutely ridiculous profiles. Keep in mind that these are just the ones I've come across in different areas of NYC over the past week!

"He has a boyfriend!"
"So what! You don't know what their arrangement is!"

If by 'funny' you mean 'AWESOME'!

Are you sure?

She might be white. If so, she's got a fierce tan, but I feel like the one-drop rule comes into play here (full disclosure: I know her IRL). Also, I worry when I see a profile that refers to a couple (not a boyfriend, a couple) and doesn't show both parties. That's how you end up saying nonsense like, "In a 3-some, someone's always more attracted to one person over the other."

YOU!

One is shirtless wearing a sarong, and one is sporting business casual. I get the feeling this vacation started with, "I'll pay for the tickets if you get us some boys!" Balance is key in LTRs (Long Term Relationships for those of you who don't do the online thing... catch up!).

Is that absolutely necessary?

They're both pretty in shape and relatively attractive. The backwards hat is forgivable, and the grabbing of the head could imply some hot, rough play to come. But something about this picture... well, to put it nicely, it's not doing it for me. Maybe it's the sight aggressive of man-tongue.

In case you were wondering.

I think the guy in the back is actually inside the front man. He's definitely making a yeah-you-take-that face.

"I tried to hook up with a guy I saw on Grindr, but all I did was smudge my screen."

Some pray for rain. I pray for sarcasm.

Based on that emoticon, the forcast looks dismal.

There was a time when the dumb jock thing was a turn on.

Then daylight savings time ended.

Well, lookie there: you answered your own question.

Dude, you know you can crop your picture before you post it, right?

I think you clicked on the wrong banner ad.

Try this one.

Nothing says "Looking for friends only" like nipples.

How the hell do you expect to make friends in that shirt!

Three letters: DSLs! (okay four)

Tops only.

I bet you are.

"It doesn't count if I don't cum." -Blink

"No, baby, we were just talking... at 3am... at his place... cause we're friends."

"How the hell did you meet this guy anyway?!" Good luck with that one, dude.

I've been looking for a friend with sexy lips nice pecs a good heart.

Call me.

Somebody gets it!

Will you please talk to Mr. Connect-with-Old-Friends!

"Hairy bear with fur who doesn't shave/wax."

Err on the side of caution: the pic might not be enough.

So make sure you say it in your profile heading as well.

Does this mean he's hairy for a Greek? (Whoa!)

Are we still using "ethnic" to describe people. I mean, that wouldn't stop me from breaking out the the pick and de-tangler to hit that, but still.

The difference between redundancy and emphasis.

Does anyone else have trouble distinguishing small Italian flags from Irish flags. I was gonna rag on him (off the boat /= Staten Island Ferry), but then I saw "born and raised. I live HK." I'd probably do anything he told me to with the accent and incorrect grammar. And I'm only joking if Grrber's reading this.

"Pecs?! I thought you said, 'Show us your pets!'"

Have you ever had a dog watch you have sex?

Most people would replace "on Grindr" with "through mutual friends." So props on the honesty with the first sentence. As for the second, even the dog doesn't believe that.

Have you ever had a dog jump in the bed while you're having sex?

iHave.

Come see the softer side of this total– wait, total what?!

Oh my god, I think she's serious.

Standing next to a horse on a hookup site.

That's confidence.

It's the newest trend in gay accessories.

LES?! I know people who don't have room for their dogs on the Lower East Side! Homegirl must be in Brooklyn with all that foliage. (LiES!)

"...just a preference."

As with any vehicle for sex socializing, there will always be issues of race. Many profiles mention preferences based on race. Some just make questionable choices. But for this post, we're not here to judge. Only to laugh.

I prefer red heads myself*.

Here's a way of saying what you like without closing off other options. Who knows: you could be that one dark-haired guy in the world that she's attraced to!

*While I do have a thing for red heads, I have much love for blondes and any other color hair (or lack thereof!).

Exclamation point? Really?

I guess that's better than the ubiquitous "white only... [insert sectional headline]"

This is just comical.

So in America, you don't have to say "white". White is the standard, and race is added to make a point in statement (I'm going somewhere with this; I promise). People say "big black guy" or "old Jewish lady" all the time, but they're less likely to give a white person a similar modifier (because if there's none, we all just assume s/he's white). So when you see someone call themselves a "White Boi", you can guess what his target audience is. He messaged me within 5 minutes of my taking this screenshot. He does have nice pecs...

We love acknowledge the inclusiveness.

Google: cheap plane tickets to Eastern Europe

Can you guess what his racial preference is?

Subtle hints like Just4us, "brotha looking 4 the same." Is one allowed to call themselves educated (period!) and not use capitalization? Or use 4 instead of for? These are important questions, people!

Can we have a short conversation about this?

I'm not even going to comment on this. I'm just gonna throw it on the table and step back.

Shonuff?

See, when I first heard the word "shonuff", it was in a very different context.

Did she really just...

Blackface? Really? Dude, this isn't Delta Phi. Keep it in the house.

Wow. Just wow.

These didn't really have a category, but they were too good not to share!

I have a feeling this won't change any time soon.

You know she lasted like 12 seconds on that bull. Max.

No Fats, No Fems, and...

Let's see: a Wall St. guy who feels the need to reinforce his supposed masculinity, and he's intolerant of vegetarians. Nothing too out of the ordinary here.

(But seriously: discrimination based on diet?! If I see "no lactards" on a profile, I'm ripping the guy a new one!)

Oh, buddy, I think you have that covered.

Seriously, I feel like if I paid this guy a compliment, he'd correct me with a greater compliment to himself: "Buff and muscles!"

Blasphemy!

Maybe if you had a glass of wine, you wouldn't have that stank look on your face!

And possibly too much eye makeup.

Silly me! A lady can never wear too much eye makeup.

Laughing fit or nightmares?

You'd wanna turbo hump some ass if you hung out in Times Square every night, too.

I see Elmo every time I come come from DR!P. But where the hell does he keep the iPhone?!

And in the spirit of fairness, here is my own Grindr profile.

Feel free to have at it in the comments section (I know my posture's pretty bad... and I'm not wearing underwear, but that could go either way).

I have so many more profiles to share! Look for them in future posts.

Click hereto check out how we got SoHo Crash to join Manhunt.