How To: Gay Online Dating and Hook Ups (Part 1)

The world of online dating can be quite intimidating. Everyone seems to be on one site or another (whether they admit it or not). But how does one get started? How does one decide whom to talk to and, eventually, meet in person? Well, my 8 years in the world of online dating and hook-ups (!!!) have produced hilarious stories, awkward situations, and emails that made me say, “Did he really just say that?”

The first thing to do is to decide what it is you’re looking for. Do you want anonymous hook ups? Fuck buddies? A boyfriend (people have actually met their boyfriends online)?

I find that there are always exceptions to rules, and I believe that one should cast one’s net as widely as possible before narrowing down possibilities. But each website has a different target and creates a unique scene.

Manhunt

The most mainstream of hook-up sites in the American Northeast. Either you pay or you deal with restricted viewing of profiles and restricted messaging. If you only had 10 exchanges with someone, you’d be a) more selective with your choices and b) more efficient with your communication (get to the fucking point!). Some of my friends and I joke that our lack of success with meeting up with or even talking to guys on MH is solely because we're not white (that's not totally true). Premium membership ranges from 7 days ($7) to a year ($99).

Adam4Adam

This website recently upped the number of pictures members can post on their profiles (the previous restriction used to be the most obvious disadvantage over Manhunt). I’ve found that A4A’s target in NYC tends to be more black and Latino, but that varies (I feel like I got much less attention in WeHo [West Hollywood, Los Angeles]). This site also gives you an animated graphic and an unmistakable tone when you get a message. All features are free.

Grindr

One would think this iPhone app (Blackberry and Droid versions are rumored to be in the works) would be mostly for hooking up since it shows the distance of each user (optional), but because of the Apple App Store's terms, the pictures are heavily regulated. So you won’t see the dick pics or Lincoln-Tunnel hole shots that you will on Manhunt or A4A, but the key feature here is the instant messaging (and you can send your nasty pics in the messaging interface). Also, there's no top/vers/bottom blank to fill out. A green dot on one’s profile means that one is readily available to communicate and respond. It’s still unclear what a profile that shows up without a green dot means (does he have his phone locked but the app running?). Many profiles say they’re just looking for friends. At least that’s what they’re telling their boyfriends. While Grindr lets you see up to 100 guys (free), Grindr X lets you see up to 200 guys and has no ads ($2.99/mo).

Gaydar

The profiles on this site read almost like a blend of Manhunt and Facebook, asking each member for role and dick size in one section and favorite bars and books in another. I find Gaydar to be more skewed towards guys who want to date because the profile gets more personal. This is actually the website where I met SoHo Crush (my longest relationship so far). Premium membership gives users access to message history, unlimited messaging, and seeing who’s viewed their profiles and ranges from a 3-day trail ($5.95) to a year ($89.95).

BigMuscle

This site is more about showing off than hooking up (though that does happen, too), and new members have to be approved by the web masters before making a profile. There’s no top/vers/bottom blank, and most members don't include it in their "about me" sections. The front page is a random assortment of profile pics, and rolling over these pics will give you basic info for regular users and a blown up pic with info for premium members. Premium membership ($40 for a year, the cheapest I've seen so far among websites) entitles members to unlimited messaging, more profile customization, and a number of other features . Members can also pay to have their main picture appear in prime position on the home page for a day.

Real Jock

The focus of this site is about building community around fitness. This site also has no top/bottom/vers blank (though it does have blanks for safer sex preference and HIV status). Users have the option of posting private photos or having an “adult photo” section that’s public but behind a separate tab. The site focuses on workout plans and user forums. From what I can see, you can send as many messages as you want, view as many profiles and pictures as you want, and see who viewed your profile… all for free!

Other sites I’ve used include gay.com (haven’t logged on in at least 3 years), GBC Live (Gay Black Chat… kind of like MySpace), DaddyHunt (love the concept of the “daddy” and “hunter” labels, just didn’t find many guys I was into), Dlist (also like MySpace… just didn’t do it for me), BoyAhoy (an iPhone app and website… just didn’t seem to have much clientele).

Keep in mind that most of these sites will provide you with an external link to a profile. This means that you don't have to be a member to see a member's profile.

This is the first of a multi-part how-to series.

Click here to check out Part 2.

Click here to check out Part 3.

Click here to check out Part 4.

Click here to check out Part 5.

Click here to check out a Fun with Grindr post.

This post was partly inspired by a fellow blogger. Click here to check out Lucas' post: "The MENu"