How To: Gay Online Dating and Hook Ups (Part 2)

Now that you’ve picked a website, you have to figure out how to talk to guys. Pretty much any website will prompt you to fill out a profile before you start messaging all the hotties signed on. The text of your profile is what comes next chronologically, but my years of online, er… activity have taught me that the primary picture is the most important thing about your profile. And here’s why…

Most sites have a layout that displays a grid or list of primary profile photos, perhaps including a screenname and basic stats. While it’s great to have clever, informative, thought-provoking text in your profile, that’s not gonna make me pick your profile while scrolling through my 5^th page of a grid of 20 profiles. This is essential to keep in mind when picking a primary picture.

We’ve touched on figuring out what you’re looking for, and that’s just as important when selecting a primary picture. If you’re looking to attract a boyfriend, maybe a pic of your ass isn’t the best move. And if you work at an ultra-conservative firm, posting a face pic for everyone to see may not serve you well. What kind of first impression do you want to make, and what type of attention are you seeking?

One popular (and the most catchily named) option is the dick pic. Most guys who choose this as their primary photo are either putting their best foot forward (sometimes, that's the best thing a guy has going) or are looking solely for sex. There are a few ways to get the most out of a dick pic. Slouching in a chair gives the illusion of exaggerated size by playing with perspective (i.e., your stomach is farther away from your dick, so it looks bigger… and longer if you slouch enough to make your belly button lower or if you snap the photo from a slightly lower angle). Grabbing the base of your dick can provide some perspective (especially if you have small hands), and a tight grip will constrict blood flow, giving you a bit more girth. Also, many find it effective to compare their dicks to familiar objects such as Time Warner Cable remotes (or whatever cable company dominates your region) or beer cans. Hint: Red Bull cans are about the same length as beer/soda cans, and they’re slimmer.

Butt pics are almost as popular and come in many more varieties (standing, bending over, one leg up, straddled, spread apart with hands, legs over the head, from straight on, from the side, at an angle, from above, from below, etc.). The only advice I have here is that “bubble butt” is a much more frequently used term on hook-up sites than “pancake ass,” so be realistic about your butt pic.

Torso shots are most prevalent on certain sites. If you wanna show off your pierced nipples, your tattoos, your hairy physique, your muscular chest, your 6-pack, your moobs, your sagging gut, etc., this is your route. While I have seen some profiles seeking friends and Long Term Relationships (AKA, LTRs), they mostly give the impression of looking for a physical connection. Many profiles opt for the torso + dick shot, but I caution you not to put your face and body in the same shot. It’s way too easy to take screenshots, and the very recognizable picture could end up somewhere you weren’t expecting.

Whether you show your dick, butt, torso, or face (or feet, or calves, or the inside of your bicep with just a peek of pit hair showing), just keep in mind that the point is to get guys to click on your profile and see if they like what they see, which brings us to secondary pictures. It may be important to have a variety and balance of secondary pictures to show that this really is you and not some picture you stole from someone else’s profile. I tend to assume that someone’s worst picture is probably the closest to what they look like in real life, so if they have 5 great pictures and one butt-ugly one, I’d be much less likely to make contact than if someone has 5 consistently decent pictures. And really, what use is having 7 pictures of your faceless torso from the same angle?

Whether or not to show a face pic is a major part of one’s profile. I can’t count the number of profiles that say something to the effect of, “Don’t message me without a face pic.” Many of the headless remedy this by saying, “Have face pics in my locked pictures,” or “Just ask.” And I’ve seen at least a few profiles that state that they’re not even willing to email a face pic. Just keep in mind that you don’t have to be a member of most websites to see profiles (especially if some prick sends someone a direct link to your profile).

Things to avoid. Low-quality pictures, though a gritty body pic with the right lighting can make one look significantly more defined. A messy/tacky background. Seriously, there are websites devoted to making fun of this (luriddigs.com), so keep it simple and go for a blank wall if you have one. And for god’s sake, Windex that mirror before you snap your pic! You never know where it will end up (see if you can find my photo on guyswithiphones.com… I def did NOT submit it!). Using pics that aren’t you. You’re not dealing with people face-to-face, but that doesn’t mean you’re not dealing with real people. Dishonesty doesn’t look good on anyone.

Private pics are more or less your call. But keep in mind that an opening message by itself will have a different impact than an opening message accompanied a private picture being unlocked, even if it's G-rated.

This is Part 2 of a multi-part how-to series.

Click here to check out Part 1.

Click here to check out Part 3.

Click here to check out Part 4.

Click here to check out Part 5.

Photos borrowed from Grindr, adam4adam.com and manhunt.net.