The Aussie and his friend had an itch (Sydney, Australia, Day 3, Part 1)

The Saturday of Mardi Gras weekend was beautiful beach weather in Sydney. I woke up way too early, but I didn't mind because it gave me plenty of time to grab breakfast and catch the 333 (the express bus) to Bondi Beach.

When I arrived, my mission was to find the gay area of the beach. I've found it's usually to the left side as you face the water at popular beaches in the Tri-State area (Jones Beach, Asbury Park... even The Pines is the farthest to the left in its area of Fire Island), but, like the water when you flush, things might be the other way around in the southern hemisphere.

I figured I'd just look for the guys with the nice bodies, but they were all over! Straight guys actually work out down there! I was very confused. My usual line is, "Just look for 6-packs and speedos," but I'd seen several older straight men in speedos since I'd arrived (Euro tourists?). As I traversed the beach, I heard someone call my name.

I turned around, and not even 10 feet from me was The Aussie. I'd met the Aussie one night at DR!P when we checked each other out as I was walking by. He's in his early 40s, short, built, shaved head and hairy. Lying next to him was his equally short, built, hairy, shaved-head Aussie friend.

Both. Have. Accents.

They asked me to join them, so I spread out my towel and stripped down. After about 10 minutes, they were ready to go in the water.

The Aussie: "You're not coming?"

Me: "Me? Water? These speedos are dry-clean only."

Aussie: "Come on, mate! It's so hot out! And you'll be able to say you went swimming in the Pacific."

Me: "I can say I went swimming in the Pacific now! Nobody's here to verify."

I figured the water was pretty clear. And great whites need at least a few feet to be able to swim. So I'd put my feet in. The first minute was barely a shock, and I made it up to my knees.

Me, looking at my feet: "I still can't believe how clear the water is... God, look at the water clinging to The Aussie's friend's body hair. Hey, where'd the Aussie gAAAAAAAAAAH!"

The Aussie had snuck behind me and splashed my back. I was ready to seriously damage him in a non-sexual way, but his center of gravity is much lower than mine. And to make it worse, a huge wave came crashing over me. At that point, I figured I may as well just get in. The water was much warmer there than on Long Island anyway.

We came back to our towels, and I got to talking to The Aussie's friend. Turns out he runs a really cool online business on the side. When he told me about Kangaboy, I figured it was a tshirt company that happened to helped save animals, but I later found that the website is very much geared towards the animal-saving aspect. And the tshirts are cute, too. I love it when there's something going on under a beautiful shaved head.

Eventually, we packed up and got lunch. My fish and chips was mediocre, but the martini I had (fish and chips with a martini?! Who am I!) was to die for! After lunch, The Aussie and his friend had an itch to get gag items for the Mardi Gras Party. Apparently, The Aussie's friend had a thing for pranking strangers.

"This one time, I was living in this beach town, right along the main walk from the resorts to the popular bar. We had a rubber snake that we'd attach to a fishing line. So people would be stumbling by on the way back from the bar, and we'd have it all set up with the line buried in the sand. As soon as they got close to it, we'd reel it in, and people would jump out of their skins they were so scared! But I had to stop doing it after this one time when I accidentally got my old neighbor. Really old guy. He was walking by, and I wasn't paying attention. The line got caught on his foot, so the snake was dragging behind him, and he didn't notice. I said, 'Bernie, don't panic, but my prank snake's caught on your foot.' The poor guy saw the snake dragging after him and freaked out! He started backpedaling and fell backwards. Broke both his wrists! I was sure he was gonna sue me into the ground, but his daughter was probably like, 'Don't even bother! He's living on the dole [i.e., unemployment] and he's got nothing to take!'"

All they were able to find was a plastic roach in a variety shop. Meanwhile, I hadn't been able to use my laptop because my power converters wouldn't with the charger. It would literally be plugged in all night with the charger light turning on for 5 seconds and off for 10. The Aussie suggested that I grab one of the variety shop's AUD $7 adaptors. I figured I'd take a (major) risk and try it (a converter controls the wattage and an adaptor just changes the prongs that plug in). As I rode the bus back to my hotel for a disco nap before the Mardi Gras Party, I wondered just how close The Aussie and his friend were.

Did I mention that I could have saved $20 on that stupid converter for my MacBook (so that's what dual-voltage battery means)? Yeah.

Click here to check out the Kangaboy website.

Click here to check out my Friday-night foam party in Sydney.

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