In the US it’s OUI: Operating Under the Influence (Melbourne Day 4, Part 1)

After the late night at Market, I somehow ended up sleeping til about 2 before construction woke me up. I had a leisurely breakfast before heading to the pool. And as soon as I got on the tram, I kicked myself for forgetting a towel to lie out on.

It was a beautiful day, but between my late start and the commute time, I didn’t end up getting to Prahran til about 4. As I was walking to the pool’s entrance, I noticed through the gate that there seemed to be a lot more children than I expected at what I thought was a notoriously sceney spot. I really didn’t get a chance to suss it out because as I was about to go in, Oz Paws, Blonde Bird, and Tweeked Twink were coming out.

Oz Paws: “That card was so confusing! We didn’t know what country code to dial to reach you.”

Me: “Well, for future reference, it’s +1, then the number. You guys are heading out?”

Paws: “Yeah, there’s not much going on there, and we’re out of vodka.”

Me: “Ah, okay. I was gonna just sit and have a perv [i.e., look at hot guys].”

Blonde Bird: “Well, there’s not much of a perv there at all! You should come with us. We’re going back to my place in Richmond.”

Me: “Where is Richmond.”

Paws: “It’s literally right across the river. Come! We’ll catch a cab.”

Tweeked Twink: “We need to go to the liquor store! And I need some more drugs.”

Blonde Bird: “And who’s gonna pay for this…”

Here I was in a foreign country getting into a cab to god-knows-where with a group of people on god-knows-what (though Tweeked Twink seemed to be the only one truly out of it). I dealt with my apprehension by messing with Tweeked Twink in his altered state as he babbled in the back seat.

Tweeked: “There’s this song by this girl—”

Me: “Lady Gaga?”

Tweeked: “No no no! She’s blonde and tall—”

Me: “Lady Gaga.”

Tweeked: “No, she’s that guy’s daughter! She’s like 6’2!”

Me (lower): “Lady Gaga.”

Tweeked: “The wrestler’s daughter! With the show!”
Me: “Brooke Hogan?”

Tweeked: “Yeah! Brooke Hogan! She’s got this song that sounds just like—”

Me: “Lady Gaga.”

Tweeked: “I’ve never seen worse cab driving in my life! In London, we would have been there by now! Honestly—”

Paws: “Will you shut the fuck up! There’s traffic, and this street’s only one lane. You’re really showing your age.”

Me (grabbing the studded leather cover for the Absolut bottle): “I think I’ve found my outfit for tonight.”

Paws: “Hot!”

Me: “This and some boots, and I’ll be all set!”

Blonde Bird lived in a very cute, newly renovated house with another RG and a gay (with whom Oz Paws and Tweeked Twink had a 3-some the night before... oddly, he was mostly keeping to himself that day). The living room was immaculate except for a stray Jessica Simpson-brand clip-in hair extension on the couch, which I promptly clipped on as a fringe and kept on for the rest of the afternoon. As soon as the bottles hit the countertop, Paws was asking whether people wanted “cran or fizzy razzberry” for their vodka. Tweeked Twink poured himself a glass of boxed wine before bounding like a Labrador into the other RG's room, carrying her out like a new bride over a threshold. She'd obviously been asleep.

Tweeked: “Boobie Bird! Wake up and show D. Kareem your tits! She got the best boob job!”

Her (rubbing her eyes): “Noooooooo…”

Me: “Dude, be a gentleman! Let her finish her first drink before the show!”

Her (toasting): “Exactly.”

Me: “Oh my god! I love that shirt! It’s very Paris Hilton!”

Her: “Well, it’s more Paris, France.”

Me: “In the US it’s OUI: Operating Under the Influence. Like drink driving [they don't call it 'drunk driving' there].”

Her: “Here, you take the shirt and give me your camera. I’ll get a picture of you in it.”

Oz Paws decided that she couldn’t get through the night without some chemical substances. This made sense because Tweeked Twink had crashed on the couch in the most glamourous pass-out pose I’ve ever seen with a glass of boxed wine balanced in his hand (of course, I didn't think to snap a photo til after I saved the alcohol). When the Birds asked what it was Paws was after, he responded, “whatever I can get” (thank you, Facebook circa 2004). No one seemed to know anyone who could get anything except for Boobie Bird, who in the middle of a text-fight because she’d called her DJ ex-boyfriend over to the house the night before when she was super drunk. He’d gone through her phone and found the texts to her emergency-dick-in-a-glass, and he got all mad… as if they were still dating (I try to be exclusive with all my exes).

Boobie Bird managed to find a young guy that used to be a fuck buddy of hers, but she hadn’t seen him in about a year. “You know Garret Hayden’s Guitars [made up name] in Prahran? He’s Garret’s son! He has the biggest cock! It was seriously massive! Let me give him a call.”

She worked her magic, using the word “baaaaaabe” at least 3 time a minute.

“Baaaaaabe, you always said you loved my heart!... Sure, yeah, he can come over. [Blonde Bird was motioning ‘Hell no!’ and Boobie Bird waved her off.] Half an hour? Okay, I’ll see you then!”

Blonde Bird rolled her eyes: “Seriously, I don’t’ want a whole bunch of people over.”

Boobie Bird: “It’s not going to be a ‘whole bunch of people.’ It’s just some Asian guy that has the stuff. He’s gonna drop it off and leave. Anyway, I’m gonna have to fuck this guy to get this coke for you guys, so you had better be appreciating this.”

Oz Paws: “Oh, please! It’s not like you’re even getting us a discount!”

Boobie: “You guys had better go get cash. Go!”

Did I mention the afternoon only got crazier from there? Yeah.

Click here to check out Day 2 & 3 in Melbourne.

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Images borrowed from resources1.news.com.au and blog.albumartexchange.com.