Let me show you the back door (last night in Australia)

Monday was my last full day in Australia. I wanted to get some last-minute errands done (I still hadn’t gotten Grrber’s present yet) and get some time out in the sun at the pool. But by the time I got ready and ate breakfast, I had little day time left for shopping. Plus, I was supposed to be meeting the gentlemanly guy from Saturday night.

He ended up taking much longer than expected, so I cracked open one of the books that I’d gotten for the plane ride back. If I’d’ve known he’d take more like 2 hours instead of a half hour, I would have opted for lying out at the pool to read rather than a park bench. But he rolled up with a handsome smile under his “sunnies” and the top back in his Suzuki. Oddly enough, the top that he was wearing didn't show off the amazing body I saw in the pictures.

Gent: “I wanna take you to the Prince of Wales Hotel. It'll be their industry night, so it's always a good time! We’re just gonna stop by my friend’s house. Her place is on the way, and she wanted to come have a drink. She’s mad! But lots of fun. You’ll like her.”

We stopped at an apartment complex and he disappeared for a couple of minutes. He came out with a tanned, skinny, pixie (she couldn’t have been more than 4’10) in a bikini and shorts. I'd noticed on Saturday night that Gent had some quirky verbal tendencies, but with the two of them in the car, I almost couldn’t understand the conversation.

The Gent explained: “We have this friend that’s dating this guy who told her he wouldn’t bring her around his friends or family til she lost weight! She wasn’t really all that fat either. So she loses all this weight, and he finally told her to go out and buy a frock [dress]… with her own money, mind you… for this function.”

His friend: “And I went ith her to pick it out. She wanted this short little thing, and I said, ‘Not with those pumpkin knees, you don’t!’ She said she got some booty that night, too!”

Gent: “Could you imagine her getting a root?! She’d be like, oo, oo, oo! She’s so stiff!”

. o O (Wait, did someone just say 'booty' with an Australian accent?!)

They’re banter went on like this until we parked the car and got to PoW. The pixie friend got our first round (because buying rounds is how things are done there), and the two of them attempted to explain why the rest of the world had it wrong when they called Australia racist.

Pixie friend: “It’s like, I have my Indian friend, Padma, and I’ll say to her, [English phrase with Indian accent and sideways head nod], and it’s exactly how she’s imitated her uncle to me.”

Gent: “I might see you and call you… you know, a black bitch, and you might come back with ‘fuckin’ white pooftah!’ It’s just how we are with each other.”

Pixie: “And it’s not out of hate. Like you would do it laughing, not with a mean look on your face. It’s just that we’re taking the piss out of each other [i.e., giving each other a hard time].”

Gent: “Yes, taking the piss. And when that actor... I can't remember his name, but he's American. Anyway, when he came over on his high horse and criticized us for being so racist, he looked like a fool. That’s just the Aussie humor, and if he had been around our culture for longer, he would get it.”

The whole time, I nodded my head and didn’t say a word. I mean, I sort of got it. And I’d sort of get it til someone in the spirit of 'Aussie humor' said, “Oh, shut up, silly [N word].” Negro (a common word in Australia when referring to African Americans) is abrasive enough, and I accept that they aren’t aware of the terminology (nevermind that American television and the Internet are readily available), but I’d definitely heard white Americans tell stories of white Australians using the N word freely.

After a few rounds of drinks (like 4), Gent treated us to a Japanese dinner at a restaurant around the corner. By the time we got back, PoW was packed. We found a table near the bar, and as soon as we got settled, Gent and the pixie couldn’t stop commenting on how all eyes were on me. I literally went four feet to get a round of drinks at the bar, and this handsome guy made his way beside me at the bar, coming on rather strong. He was a little too slick, but he was attractive. And I wasn’t sure how platonic Gent wanted to keep it.

The bar’s debit card system couldn’t handle an international card, so I had to go to the ATM. “I”ll walk with you.” This dude actually walked with me the half block to the ATM in the 7-11 (they have them over there... 7-11s and ATMs). On the way back, he pointed out a club. The all-too-smooth personality made sense when he mentioned being a promoter there.

“It’s gonna be state-of-the-art everything when it opens. It’s still under construction. Let me show you the back door.”

I would have played dumb and gone along with it, but I had drinks to pay for and a hot guy to figure out (god, when have I ever bothered to try to 'figure out' a guy). I graciously declined and got back to pay for my drinks. But he told me to find him at the café next door (which he almost literally pulled me into to show me) at the end of my night.

Back at the PoW, Gent, his pixie and I saw a hilarious drag show that included 3 synchronized queens and a couple of “try-hards” that gave the main queens time to change wardrobe between numbers. One was tragic, but one did a rather great interpretation of Sherry Vine’s parody of “Bad Romance.”

After the second drag show (there were about 45 minutes in between), Gent drove us back to Pixie’s house. We picked up some canned, pre-mixed vodka drinks (that tasted like soda) from the 24-hour liquor shop (!!!). Gent mentioned that we could go back to his house out in the suburbs (he made sure to mention that there were multiple beds), but I hesitated when he told me that I’d have to take a cab back into the city. We had a few drinks at Pixie’s, and while she was in the kitchen I asked Gent, “So, are you coming back to the hotel with me?” He agreed and we left shortly thereafter.

His. Pictures. Were. Accurate.

Ever had your alarm go off while you’re in the act? It’s really distracting. But you get over it.

After he left, I cleaned up and got to packing. Did I mention that having a $26 shuttle (round trip) pick you up at your hotel steps is the best thing ever?! Yeah.

Click here to check out the night before (guess there's a first time for everything).

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