walk through the woods (Breakneck Ridge)

Lab Rat, a PhD student and fellow class of '05 alumnus of a non-Ivy-League school (thank god!), had invited a bunch of us to go on a hike planned by an HIV counseling organization with which he was involved. When I saw that the Metro North was leaving "Grand Central STA-SHUN" at 8:47 Saturday morning, my first reaction was, "Oh hell naw!" But the more I thought about it, the more it seemed like a good idea: doing something out of my element (I barely even go to Central Park... AT&T reception is crap there); meeting some new gays. I finally marked "attending" on the Facebook event, binding myself to the excursion (because I take RSVPs very seriously).

Lab Rat and I met up at 125th St and took the bus across town. After grabbing sandwiches at a deli, we went up to the platform to look for the organizer of the trip as well as a non-mutual friend who was running late.

Me: "Is this our train?"
Lab Rat: "No, our train comes on track 1."
Me (looking at the screen): "Weird, they have two trains listed as leaving at the same time."

Lab Rat was texting furiously, but he wasn't finding anyone. Our train came, and we hopped on, finding the straight couple that Lab Rat knew from college. As soon as we found seats, Lab Rat checked his phone again.

Lab Rat to the conductor: "Excuse me, do this train and the [really fucking far-away town] train intersect further up? My friend got on the wrong train."
Conductor (laughing): "No, your friend is gonna have to turn around and catch a train back. That's a whole different line."

I'd forgotten how beautiful the Hudson River gets once you're north of Manhattan, and the Metro North runs right along side its banks. We spent most of the time enjoying the view and making each other laugh.

Me: "So did you make it to Pieces last night [for the monthly underwear party]?"
Lab Rat: "Yes, I did, actually!"
Me: "Are you serious?!"
Lab Rat: "What did you do last night?"
Me: "I stayed my ass at home because I had to be up at 7am! Okay, so I polished off half a bottle of wine before a neighbor came over with another bottle around 11. Then we fell asleep on my couch around 130."
Girlfriend: "Wow, we did a crossword and went to bed at 10."
Me: "So was anyone besides Urban Sprawl and Med School Mess in their underwear?"
Lab Rat: "Yeah, a lot of people. Young... Old..."
Me: "Shit, I almost wish I would have gone. As much as I spent on undies Down Under."

Lab Rat: "So you know the coat-check guy at Pieces? I wrote him a poem and gave it to him last night."
Me: "You wrote him a poem?"
Lab Rat: "Yes! But I'm not sure if he really got it."
Me: "Lab Rat, are we sure he finished college?"
Lab Rat: "Well, no. But I'm not sure he could actually read my handwriting. And I'm kind of mad because I gave it to him, and I don't have a copy for myself."
Me: "Next time, write it on your phone first. Or snap a picture."
Lab Rat: "I'm gonna see if I can remember it."
Me: "That should be pretty easy if it rhymed. Wait, did it rhyme?"
Lab Rat: "No..."
Me: "Of course not. So you wrote someone of dubious education a poem in blank verse?! He might not have even known it was poetry! Hold up, is blank verse in iambic pentameter, or is it just anything with no rhyme scheme?"

After about an hour, we moved to the back of the train since the Brokeneck Ridge stop (you'd think the name itself would've kept me away) was only accessibe via a single door. We figured it was because they had one of those bridge thingsthat you had to teeter across from the express track to reach the platform.

Please tell me why we got to the stop and the platform looked like this:


There were no buildings anywhere. It was literally a yellow box in the middle of the woods.


Me: "That group of bears are branching off! We should follow them since they look more rugged. And you should always trust the older people in a group."

We walked along the side of a road about a quarter mile before we came to the start of a trail. There was a post with some info and a box that was supposed to contain maps for hikers. Not so much.

It was a nice uphill walk through the woods on a cool day. That lasted about 5 minutes. The procession of hikers (at least 30 from the train) started to slow down. When I looked ahead to investigate, all I saw was rock.

Then people started having to use their hands.

And the incline just kept getting steeper.

At one point, I realized that I'd do serious self-damage if I leaned back or if my bag (the stylish over-the-shoulder bag I carry around the city) caused me to lose balance. And at one point, if I would have lost my footing, I'm not sure how many hundreds of feet I would have tumbled. When I finally took a good look up, no one I knew was in sight. Luckily, everyone was headed in the same direction.

Finally caught up with Lab Rat and his friends at a lookout point.

Lab Rat (hanging up his phone): "So, I figured why I couldn't get in contact with the trip leader. The gay hike is next weekend, not this one."

After even more "scramble" (as it's apparently called) we finally started to head downhill. We ran into a group of older men of ambiguous orientation who had a map.

Boyfriend: "If we go this way, we could do another mountain. This other trail will take us to town."

Girlfriend: "That was kinda quick. Let's do another mountain!"

Lab Rat: "Yeah, I say let's do another mountain. I mean, we've only done like 5 miles so far."

Boyfriend: "D. Kareem?"

Me (sighing): "Let's do it."

So, I'm not used to doing things that I'm not really good at. I always did well in my classes (either naturally or by hard work). I wasn't good with sports that involved balls, so I did track (and I did really well b/c our league sucked). I could tell that I was holding the group back and that they were making an effort to accommodate me. And of course, I appreciated it, but I absolutely hate being that guy.

Girlfriend (on another uphill): "Kareem, you've fallen silent!"

. o O (That's because I'm wheezing like Precioius when she stole that bucket of chicken!)

The second mountain turned out to not be nearly so bad. We broke for lunch at the top. I checked my phone and noticed that I had a few bars of reception! The Girlfriend rolled her eyes and the Boyfriend and I checked into the mountaintop on FourSquare.

After a long break, we started heading down the second mountain. Not even 30 seconds out, the Boyfriend stopped us.

I almost had a heart attack when I saw this long-ass snake, but I calmed down when I found out it wasn't venomous.

As we headed downhill, we passed a ton of people who were just starting out in the opposite direction. The trail ended at a parking lot that was just outside of a quaint town that had a Metro North station on the other side of it. I almost had an orgasm when we sat down at the restaurant next to the station for drinks.

Lab Rat was still trying to remember the damn poem. We laughed at him, so he pulled out loose-leaf paper and pens (which are essential for a mountain hike) and instructed us to write haikus while he thought. The Boyfriend suggested lymericks because "they're more fun!" I did both.

Lab Rat was not amused that my limerick referenced his temporary psoriasis.

When we finished our drinks, we had to catch the train on the opposite side of the track, which meant we had to cross via a sky walk.

Lab Rat: "We can handle a few stairs!"
Me: "Speak for yourself! I've had quite enough uphill and downhill for today!"

Best believe I took the elevator up one side and down the other! The staircase separated the end of the platform with the elevator the rest of it. When I stepped off the rather slow elevator, I saw no one and thought for a half second that I'd missed the train!

Did I mention that when we FINALLY got back to WaHi, I had the most delicious disco nap ever? Yeah.

Click here to check out the last time I ventured outside the City (before Australia).

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