Thursday, July 29, 2010

there will be more glass! (The Ivy League Crew et al Invades DC Part II)

Click here to read Part I of the DC tragedy adventure.

I walked out to the lobby to find Urban Sprawl in the lobby, fully clothed and swaying.

Sprawl: "They kicked me out! I was just leaning against the rail, and the bouncer said, 'Come with me.'"
Me: "That sucks... Do you need me to get your stuff?"
Him: "No, I didn't bring anything."
Me: "Um, do you need me to do something?"
Him: "No."
Me: "Ok, well... I'll see you back at the hotel."
Him: "Yeah."

I have a theory on what happened. Urban Sprawl isn't the most coordinated drunk in the world, and after pre-gaming and drinks at the club, his perception may not have been at it's sharpest. It's plausible that he could have bumped into one of the guys, causing the drink to spill both on himself and on Urban Sprawl. I wouldn't guess that Urban Sprawl was overly polite about the situation as he perceived it, and it's not too outlandish for the guys to have been friends with a bouncer.

I could have seen the situation totally incorrectly, but the texts that follow don't exactly undermine the theory... except that they're perfectly typed. Note the time stamps:

Bottomless Pitt and I continued to drink, dance, and yell. And when we discovered that they were actually serving until after 3am (and not closing at 2, which we originally thought): "I'll drink to that!"

After Bottomless Pitt managed to separate his tongue from the tonsils of some Czech boy that couldn't host, he, Tighty Whitey and I left for Annie's, a gay 24-hour steakhouse (that also serves diner food) on the gay strip of DC. A drag queen almost took our booth.

Sunday morning was when the stories really came out! I'm not even gonna use pseudonyms, but it's mostly people you know. Keep in mind: these are grown-ass men.

Boy 1 and Boy 2 have had complex hook-up-turned-awkward drama (to simplify things) for damn near a year now. So when Boy 1 saw Boy 2 making out with another boy (who used to live in NYC but moved to DC and was oblivious to the drama), Boy 1 didn't take too kindly. He actually took the make-out guy aside and confronted him. In the club.*

So, Boy 2 and Boy 3 were staying in the same hotel room. Boy 3 had met someone and had taken him back to the room to get some ram. Boy 2, after having his hook-up hopes dashed by Boy 1, comes back to a polite note saying, "I need the room from 3:15-4:15, please." Keep in mind that Boy 3 actually coordinated and paid for the rooms. Boy 2 starts banging on the door like the police, interrupting Boy 3's action! And Boy 3 actually answered!!

Boy 1 saw this going down and offered for Boy 2 to innocently pass the time in his room. Boy 2 declined the offer.

Being perfectly capable of rational negotiation, Boy 2 demanded that Boy 3’s trick leave the room in 5 minutes. And Boy 3 complied. Rumor has it that there was a dubious brown stain on the sheets all the next day.

I heard this, and I was like, "Why did he open the door?! He would have eventually calmed down and listened to the note. And if not, that's what security's for."
Friend: "Damn, you would have called security?"
Me: "Hell yeah! Boy 3 probably needed less than half hour by the time Boy 2 arrived. If you don't have the mental capacity to sit outside or text to see if another room is still awake, there's no telling what you'll do once inside the room. I'd partially fear for my safety! And I'll be damned if someone whose room I'm paying for cock blocks me for a non-emergency."

Boy 4 and Boy 5 made an unlikely hook up. Come to think of it, Boy 5 seems to be systematically working his way through the guys I know, so it's not totally out of the blue.

And after all this happened, everyone seemed to be all smiles (though there was a lot of, 'Oh, let's not go there' about the night before). Urban Sprawl filled us in on the rest of the night:

After I got kicked out, I actually had bricks in my hand that I had found at a construction site. But there were cops all around, so I couldn’t do anything with them. So I put them down and went across the street to pee on a tree [as one does outside a club in front of cops]. The bouncer left his post to cross the street and say, ‘What are you doing… Go home.’ And no, I did not get into a fight with a tranny! I don’t even know where that came from, but could you imagine how badly I would lose that fight! You would have seen heel-marks on my forhead!

Then I came back to the room, and as I was flinging myself on the bed, by hand hit the frame on the wall. Glass all over the floor! Then later, when the others had come back to the room, I was trying to go to sleep. They were watching stupid YouTube videos, and I said, ‘If you don’t turn that shit off, there will be more glass!’

After several debriefings, we made our way to drunk brunch at DIK (Dupont Italian Kitchen). The prices were the same as Level 1, and they're across the street from each other. But Level 1 seemed to have a cuter crowd (my bad, since I made the reservation). Like Mike suggested we check out DIK Bar upstairs. Some guy that worked in some political capacity bought Bottomless Pitt and me several drinks. He had made out with Bottomless Pitt (which I didn’t see), and when I gave him a hug on our way out, he licked my neck. Now, I carry sanitizer in my murse.

As I got on the Bolt Bus, my phone buzzed. No text… no missed call… ok, who am I kidding: Grindr’s always the first thing I check when my phone buzzes. Yet another asshole with no pic had sent me a message, but his second message was a shirtless face pic. And it was nice.

Did I mention we messaged back and forth the for my entire trip back to NYC (to the point where my battery went dead while I had it plugged in... I couldn't help it: he looked amazing in a jock strap!)? Yeah.

Click here to check out pictures from Town (inc. the Undergear fashion show). Add me as a friend to access the album.

Clickhere to check out what I did on Pride 2008 (and how much my writing's changed since I first started the blog)!

*Update: Boy 1 claims that make-out guy approached him for some reason... which makes this whole situation even more fascinating! Did Boy 2 get so drunk that he cock blocked himself?! Consider me amazed. PS, a Philly trip is in the works...

Note: you may find the "Topics of Discussion" on the right and the Cast of Characters to be of help in navigating this blog.


The Blackout Blog said...

The following G-chat convo happened within a half hour of posting:

awesome...i made the blog
unless there was another pictureless asshole"

me: " There's always another pictureless asshole."

Bottomless Pit said...

OMG, my back looks amazing!

Kunka Kente said...

omg @ "get some ram." i've never heard that before but i'm pretty sure i can figure it out!!! lmao

The Blackout Blog said...

Chile, I make shit up all the time! Write that one down and use it on Mrs. Kente.

The Blackout Blog said...

Pitt, now you can stop telling guys, "Oh, doggy style hurts. Let's just do missionary." #confidenceissexy

Tightey Whitey said...

So mad that I didn't get props for introducing Bottomless Pit to Czech Guy. You know I'm milking that for all it's worth. ;-)