The Shequida Show at Bar-Tini Ultra Lounge

I have to admit that the first-year-out-of-college excitement about Thursday nights only wore off in the last year or two. I mean, how many Campus Thursdays at Splash can one gay do in his lifetime without needing a z-pack prescription growing weary! Then came the Shequida Show at Bar-Tini Ultra Lounge (Resort, Hotel, Casino, and Daycare).

For those of you who don’t know, Shequida is a nightlife fixture in NYC. A Juilliard-trained opera soprano, she was half the brain behind the much missed DR!P pool parties at Grace Hotel. Also, in the mid-90s, she was played Wendi Mercury on One Life to Live and was USA Networks’ spokesperson for Latin America. And if you’ve ever heard of the name Jessye Normous: different persona, same person. She lip-synchs, she sings live, she dances, and she’s hot out of drag, too (call me, Gary)!

Bar-Tini (which will be much less teeny after their planned expansion) used to host the Shequida Show on Mondays, which is the absolute worst night for squares like me who party all weekend. So when I heard that the show was moving to Thursdays, I was elated as I’ve been impressed with Shequida’s performances in the past.

One of the most fun parts of Shequida’s show is her interaction with the audience. She doesn’t just break the 4^th wall, she plows it down with a glitter-covered bulldozer! Just don’t try to pull the I’m-foreign-I-don’t-understand trick: she speaks 7 different languages.

You never know who will show up at The Shequida Show. Fellow gender illusionist Britney Houston dropped in for the show. The girls had a friendly off-stage chat.

Shequida often features guest performers. The week I went, Jiggly Caliente graced the stage and performed to one of my favorite Christina Aguilera songs: “Vanity!”

Her wig looked fucking amazing! And correct me if I’m wrong, but I think I got video of her performing at Queens Pride ’09.

With Shequida on stage and Scotty Rox spinning pop tunes before and after the show (the genius pair worked together at DR!P), The Shequida Show is a Thursday night well spent. If you’re looking to be entertained by a true diva (in the literal sense), this is the show for you. If you’re looking for a cheap night out… well, the show is free (remember to tip your performers!), but at $9, Bar-Tini clocks in at the most expensive well drinks I’ve seen at an NYC gay establishment.

The Shequida Show

Thursdays at 11(ish)

Bar-Tini Ultra Lounge

642 10^th Ave (b/t 45^th & 46^th St)

Click here to check out an insanely fun week from last summer.

He'd better be wearing a jock strap! (NYC Black Pride 2010: Leather Party and Riis Beach)

On Saturday of Black Pride Weekend, I had gotten a text about a friend of a friend's house party from Bottomless Pitt, who had been in social exile. I figured I needed to see him for his alleged one night out.

The house party was kind of a mess, but we all migrated out to the awesome rooftop. Bottomless Pitt and I stayed until about 1 before we ditched for the Black Pride leather party at Rawhide. I'm not a fan of the bar after the incident during my last visit, but I really had to check out this event.

image from nycblackpride.com

When we arrived, we were immediately accosted by a shot boy in a harness and a loud, heavy-set queen (with a shirt on).

Heavy Queen: "Buy a shot!! Buy a shot! Buy a shot! Or gimme a dolla! Gimme a dolla!"

We couldn't stop laughing, but eventually Bottomless Pitt pulled it together enough to get us both a jello shot.

Pitt: "I have 2 ones or I have a 20 if you have change."

Shot Boy: "Hold on."

The shot boy turned his back to Bottomless Pitt and, without bending his knees, reached into his sock for a wad of bills.

Me: "Oh my god! He'd better be wearing a jock strap!"

Pitt: "He is."

Once Pitt got her change, the shot boy gave an encore show to put his money back into his sock, to which the Heavy Queen cackled: "Looks like you got bonus miles!"

As Pitt went to take her shot, the shot boy stopped her: "No, loosen it with your finger."

Pitt: "But I like to do it with my tongue."

Me: "Pitt, I think there's a reason she wants you to use your finger. Just go with it."

As soon as his finger made a loop around the edge of the tiny plastic cup, the shot boy took it in his mouth all the way to the knuckle. It took her plump lips at least 7 seconds to make it to the end of Pitt's finger.

After Pitt had (ahem) recovered from the Jello demo, we took a lean against the pool table to observe the local wildlife. An older white guy (in reasonable shape) literally crept across the bar, looking for any glimmer of interest from absolutely anyone. At one point, he slinked his way right by Pitt. As he wad passing, I pushed Pitt into the creepy guy’s arm. The guy saw this as a sign to post up next to Pitt and grab his waist. I was laughing too hard to see just how Pitt was able to get rid of dude so quickly.

Two minutes later, an older black guy came up to Pitt and without a word unbuttoned 2 buttons on her vest, adjusted her pecs, and gave a nod of approval. Did I mention Pitt wasn’t wearing a shirt under her vest? Yeah.

We ended the night at Barracuda, hanging with Scotty Rox and his friends by the DJ booth. I didn’t’ stay too long because I wanted to rest up for the beach on Sunday.

image from a Cabbage Boy's friends'
picasa page

Black Pride in NYC used to be a series of events in Brooklyn that wrapped up on Sunday with an event at Riis Beach (in the Rockaways in Queens) with vendors and live performances (I saw SWV and Cece Peniston my first 2 years). This year, there was no official Sunday beach event, but the queens all still come out in early August for a day on the shore. I met up with Tighty Whitey and took the A train out to the Rockaways. Not the most direct of routes, but certainly fewer transfers and less crowded.

As usual, it was a sea of towels, umbrellas and tents. Men and women were everywhere, showing as much skin as possible (I've never seen so many pierced breasts in my life)!

Me: "Cabbage Boy is out here with his people, but let's do a little hoe-stroll while we look for him: check out the scene."

I started off on the most round-about route possible so that we could get a good view of all the boys. And of course, we strutted for about 50 feet before we bumped into Cabbage Boy's group. They had spread out a queen-sized sheet and had an umbrella, a cooler, and a box of Popeye's chicken (let my people go!). As I introduced everyone to Tighty Whitey, I noticed an unfamiliar face in the clique.

I thought the new guy was just skinny, but it wasn't until someone made a joke about him being 12 that I took a close look at him. He was uncomfortably young. Like convincing-as-a-tall-14-year-old young. He claimed to be 18 (and Cabbage Boy obviously believed him the way he was 'helping him adjust his shorts'), but he something about him screamed ‘early adolescence’ to me. At one point, Cabbage Boy insisted that we get a picture together, telling us repeatedly to move closer. They thought I was making a joke when I said, "I think this is illegal."

so many websites one could reference...

But the boys were amazing in every sense of the word. Gender roles were a thing of the past to the boys in see-thru shawls over g-strings and women in baggy denim shorts and fitted caps. Every time someone hot or scandalous would walk by, everyone would yell at Cabbage and me to snap a photo.

After a while, the boys started to repeat, the sand started to itch, and the tide crept in a little to far. Tighty Whitey and I took our leave of the boys, and TW left with no fewer than 2 numbers. We decided to take the more direct 2 train back to the city, and I got out in Chelsea.

I dropped by Gym Bar for a drink (lately I've been going to Gym more often than the gym). When I arrived, I was happy to see a guy who’s been flirting hardcore with me. It got slightly uncomfortable when a long-time friend with benefits (whom I didn’t know was back in town) walked in just after a newer hook up. When an ex showed up, it was time to go.

Did I mention that the new Trader Joe's in Chelsea is the best excuse out of a possibly explosive situation? Yeah.

Click here to check out the last time I went to NYC Black Pride at Riis Beach.

Note: you may find the "Topics of Discussion" on the right and the Cast of Characters to be of help in navigating this blog.

"You're putting on quite a show." (NYC Black Pride: Friday Night, Thirst @ Roam)

Black Pride in NYC has been floundering since the dissolution of POCC in '08. But this year, they did have a number of events in Manhattan. At the last minute, I decided to go to the Friday night party, Thirst at Roam.

Roam (19th just east of 5th) is a cute venue: on the smaller side, but it has two floors. For the Thirst party, I arrived right before midnight and paid a $5 cover. It's open bar 10-11 and 2-4-1 11-midnight. Well drinks are $10. Security is everywhere, but I found the bar staff to be friendly. Nathan Williams, the promoter, greeted me as soon as I entered (then again, my "Beauty Is a Talent" shirt is always a conversation-starter). As with any black club in NYC, it's a late crowd. It was pretty packed by 1:30, but I'm not sure if that was because of Blake Pride or not. DJ MK plays a great mix of hip-hop, R&B, with a bit of pop thrown in. It was actually nice to hear Lil' Kim and Amerie instead of Lady Gaga (just for once night). And the go-goes: easily among the hottest I've ever seen.

My night started out innocently enough: dancing by myself and trying not to look awkward in my painted-on lilac skinny jeans and cowboy boots. The go-go was on a narrow stage attached to the back of the booths that lined the wall. A girl (RG) was sitting on top of one of the booths' backs, more or less at the feet of the go-go with her back to him. At one point, the go-go walked over to the RG and stepped over her so that his crotch was in her face, grabbing the back of her head. She started screaming and waving her arms, and after about 5 seconds, she made her whole body go rigid, slid though the go-go's legs and landed on the seat of the booth with a hard bounce. Her friend and I were literally on the floor laughing.

I bent over the side of the booth and said to them: "One of y’all owes the other some money, but I'm not sure which one!"

As I finished my quip, I felt a smack on my ass. I turned around wondering whom the hell I knew that would have showed up at a black-targeted event unprompted. When I turned around, this sloppily drunk Asian guy was grinning at me. I gave the being-polite-but-annoyed smile as I let him pass. Then he used his reading of my quite tight shirt as an excuse to feel me up. After I brushed his hand away (still wearing the annoyed smile), he slinked off to go harass the go-go.

Drunk Asian went to the same booth as the earlier RG incident, and the friend of the assaulted RG wasn't having it. He tried to get the go-go to get the Asian guy to go somewhere else, but the go-go just smiled, shrugged, and turned his attention towards Drunk Asian’s fluttering dollar bill. Drunk Asian refused to give the go-go the dollar, beckoning the go-go to come down lower than he was. The go-go made a face and gave a fuck-that gesture, strutting to the other side of the narrow stage.

After wondering whether I recognized a hot Latin daddy from the Scene or from online . o O (does he think I'm acting stank because I'm not saying hi?), I went downstairs to check out the scene. It reminded me of a lower-key version of Greenhouse with music I actually recognized. After about a half hour, I went back upstairs. Drunk Asian was still there trying to keep up on the back of a 3-way grind with 2 black guys who must have been trying to either ignore him or make him look as ridiculous as possible (they succeeded in the latter).

I turned around almost literally ran into my hook-up from Mardi Gras '08 in NoLa. Okay, one of my hook-ups. He looked so great, it almost made me forget how he handed me a bottle of water-based lube and took about an inch of my dick before cumming. Twice. We made small talk and danced with each other until he declared that he was going downstairs. I left about 2 minutes after.

I walked west on 23rd street in a shirt that barely covered my waist and pants that left little to the imagination. I turned on my iPod (only one of my headphones worked) and sang my way to 8th ave.

Just as I was getting to the train station, I heard: "You're putting on quite a show."

I turned around to find a slim but nicely-built light-skinned black guy behind me. Cute, too.

Me (taking out my headphones): "What'd you say?"

Him (grinning): "Nevermind.

I thought he was giving up on his icebreaker, so I smiled and walked towards the subway entrance.

Him: "Hey, what's your name?"

Did I mention I gave my number to a guy who picked me up on the street at 3am while I was dressed like a hustler from Phoenix, AZ? Yeah.

Click here to check out an embarrassing story from last summer.

Fun with Grindr: because I can totally balance out that cosmo you ordered… bro

Call me…

…because I can totally balance out that cosmo you ordered… bro.

…crap, he did! I’m guessing he’s not referring to actual procreation.

…because you remind me of Lindsay Lohan (just a little Fosse).

…because your brand needs my help: you’re marketing yourself as a fat, unemployed weirdo.

…because I have someone I want you to meet:

Hope you're ready to get wet, dude! And BTW, I only cut off half your head.

…because you're a clever, slutty drunk. And I’ve been known to appreciate a bit of TSWB syndrome.

…because I need you to stop giving away my secret.

PS, can you get me a discount to David Barton Nightlcub Gym? I'd recognize that lighting scheme anywhere!

Click here to check out more Fun with Grindr.

5 Ways to Get More Messages on Grindr

“God, Grindr must be acting up again. I haven’t gotten a single message since we walked in!”

In case you’ve been living under a rock for the past year, Grindr is a location-based app that allows users to chat with other nearby users. It’s listed as a social networking app, but it’s kind of hard to convince your boyfriend that your shirtless profile picture is the key to sparking platonic connections (yet several insist on trying).

Honest?

Did I mention it’s for gay boys? Yeah.

So you’ve downloaded the app. You’ve made your profile. You see all these guys within a few thousand feet (or meters in any other country... or miles for those of you in Brooklyn), but no one’s messaging you. WTF!

Okay, so maybe it’s not a problem with the application. I don’t wanna say there’s something wrong with your profile, but… er… perhaps there’s something that you could do differently to maximize your utility from this app.

Well, I can’t turn you into the hottie everyone flocks to (at least, not for free), but these 5 simple steps will help you take control of how you’re perceived in the Grindr world.

1. Change your profile picture

This sound simple enough, right? You post a picture so that guys see what you look like. But what are these guys actually seeing? Grindr displays profiles in a grid, and each picture is a square thumbnail. But when you tap on someone’s profile, it enlarges to… well, not-a-square. So you may have dazzling nipple piercings, but if they’re at the edge of your picture, they won’t show up in anyone’s grid. So when you pick a pic, make sure to check it as a thumbnail and as a full picture.

image taken from Grindr.com

Also, your favorite cute picture may not be the most effective. Messages come when guys tap your profile out of the 20 profiles that fit on their screens. You have to figure out what your target audience is looking for and give it to them. For example, I don’t get as many messages when I have just my face posted (tear). Even more tragic: my most popular picture was of me in a speedo, which is against Grindr’s puritanical TOS! So they made me choose a less revealing pic!

2. Change your profile name

Because I’m really not going to message CumDump81. Ever.

Screennames on Grindr don’t have to be unique (e.g., you can have more than one Ryan2009… which is great because I’m pretty certain Ryan didn’t think anything of his screenname until around Thanksgiving of ‘09. Dumbass.).

She serves carpet-drape realness, honey!

Your screenname is the only thing besides your picture that shows up in the grid. It doesn’t have to be witty, but that doesn’t hurt. A lot of people choose to leave it blank, which is much more safe than choosing an awful one.

3. Change your profile text

You have the option of filling in a headline and profile text. With newer profiles, they’re cutting the character limits way down, so be efficient with your words. Again, many choose to leave this blank. Others choose not to read the drivel you typed… mostly because they can’t deal with another “not looking for hookups” accompanying a headless torso shot. I’ve heard.

I’ve also heard that they’ll lose it if they see “I don’t bite…” accompanying anything!

looking with his nipples, obvi.

But make sure that if you do choose to write something here, it’s something useful to guys you’re trying to attract. Perhaps something that will spark a conversation (or a proposition if that’s your style). If I see “New to the city. Say hi!” I might ask you where you moved from and how long you lived in the city. If I see, “40 year old Latino guy. 6 feet tall, 160lbs. Good looking,” I’m gonna think, “That’s exactly what I read in your stats. And since when do you get to judge yourself as ‘universally’ good looking?!” Then I’ll probably take a screenshot and put you in a Fun with Grindr post.

But honestly, if he’s clicked on your profile, he’s already intrigued. At this point, it’s just a matter of not scaring him away or making him roll his eyes.

4. Message guys you like

Yes. Send him a message. I know, I know: it takes the pressure off when the guy takes the initiative and messages you first. Which is why he hasn’t messaged you first.

The guy in the first picture should take notes from this dude.

Not everybody’s gonna respond. And of those that do, some might be one-word answers (which means he’s really not that into you). But there will be guys who wouldn’t have messaged you but will be glad to chat with you. Find a way to get him talking about himself (it’s probably his favorite topic). Sometimes even a “Hey, how’s it going” can get the ball rolling.

And if you’re not interested in engaging someone beyond a sexual inquiry, then “Sup” can be a totally valid opener. Otherwise, try to use complete sentences.

5. Check your fucking spelling

Good spelling and actual use of punctuation will never hurt your profile. I'm the worst speller I know, but the iPhone has this nifty function where it will underline misspelled words in red! Stop ignoring it.

Note: half his profile focuses on his extensive education. Are YOU convinced?

A few tips:

• you’re = you are ; your = it belongs to you ; ur = I ran out of brain cells characters

• discrete means distinct (separate) and has nothing to do with subtlety -> mnemonic device: the Es are separated

• apostrophes are for contractions and to show possession. Even when you’re referencing letters or numbers (see bullet above)

• then = a reference to sequence or time (if you like me, then message me) ; than = a comparison (I like guys who are older than me)

And there you have it. Pretty basic, right?

1) Make sure your picture is distinctive in the grid, and check to see that your attention-grabbing features are presented both in the thumbnail and full versions.

2) Choose your screenname carefully, as it’s the only thing besides your thumbnail pic that shows up in users’ grid.

3) Make sure you reach your target audience via your profile text. No text is better than useless text.

4) Make the first move. It won’t work every time, but nothing makes your profile more noticeable to a guy than seeing that he has a message from you.

5) And check your spelling and grammar. I promise that basic English proficiency won’t make you look too smart to hook up.

I’m not saying these changes will flood your inbox, but they’re easy ways to take control of how you’re perceived when you sign on. And in the online world: perception is everything!

And just for kicks, here's the one Grindr profile that got me no messages (inspired by the Fire Island Invasion of the Drag Queens):

Ugh, people have no sense of humor.

Click here to check out my How-To series on Online Dating and Hook Ups.

Tell me more about Sparta (Adam B. Irby's birthday and a 'quiet' weekend in the city)

The weekend after Sandblast was supposed to be a quiet, relaxing weekend. That didn't so much happen.

image from adambirby.com

After a rather tough Friday at the day job, I ran home to change into something slutty for the two birthday parties I was headed to that night. First was BRITney's party on the second floor of the Ritz, which I always forget is so much more tolerable than the first floor on a Friday. I was debating bringing my stuff since I was planning to stop by Fire Island on the way to see Grrber in the Hamptons, just in case I didn't make it home. But I decided I didn't want to be bothered with the baggage.

Most of the Crew was there to wish BRITney well. When I walked in, I ran into a friend of a still-relevant ex with whom the mutual attraction grows more obvious by the day. He bought me a drink and stated that we should hang out sometime...

Around 12:30, Bottomless Pitt and I left for Adam B. Irby's party (he's a much bigger blogger with a very "urban" target). And when we arrived, the hooker wasn't there yet! She made her grand entrance late as hell wearing a top hat and a tuxedo jacket. No shirt. It was a good time with a great playlist and a visually stunning crowd (personally, it was both lust and shock that stunned me).

Around 2, I got a text from the not-French guy. So I went to his place. Right near Penn Station (where I needed to catch the train the next day). We were both pretty drunk, but I made sure to set my alarm for 8:30am, more than enough time to get back uptown, get ready, and catch the 11:10 train.

I woke up around 8:15, rolled over, and didn't wake up again until 9:45.

Not only did I barely have time to make it home and back, buy I ended up leaping onto a train going the wrong direction. I missed an uptown A train, hopped on a C train, and waited no less than 20 minutes for another A train at 59th St because of construction. Making that Long Island Railroad train was hopeless.

What's even worse is that the guys with whom I was planning to go to this FiPi party also missed the train. They almost took one a half hour later, but realized there was a 2-hour gap between the ferries at that point. I was willing to take the later train and get out there at 3, but they revealed that their original plan was to go take the 2.5 hour trip out there, go to the party, and then come 2.5 hours back to the city for a wine-and-cheese gathering in Park Slope, Brooklyn that started at 7. Hosted by Urban Sprawl's friend (read: former and/or current hookup). I figured why not.

Question: Is it worse to bring liquor to a wine-and-cheese gathering or wine to a BYOB party? Because I definitely did the former.

Host: "Hey, you guys wanna join the rest of the guys on the roof?"

Urban Sprawl: "Way to be nice to people."

Me: "Please! He's trying to make sure his shit don't get stolen! I don't blame him!"

Sprawl (matter-of-fact-ly): "It's not even his shit: it's his roommate's shit."

Me: "Damn, Sprawl, can you let the man front for just one night?"

Our host kicked us out around 10:30 (because it was Park Slope), and we all trained it to the Phoenix in the E.vil. We loved the $4 well drinks, but the crowd was a little sparse. Bottomless Pitt noticed a separated back area. We walked in to check it out, and the only people back there were Urban Sprawl and her friend, looking very serious about their intimate conversation. We almost knocked each other over trying to avoid whatever situation was going on.

Pitt: "I can't deal. Follow me."

image from AdamFaceHunt's
facebook profile

Being ignorant of the ways of The East (Side), I didn't have much choice other than to trust my more geographically relevant friend. Pitt led me around the corner to a straight karaoke bar! And the second song that came on: "Bad Romance." Pitt and I totally upstaged the poor girl who was singing when when we did the dance.

With that adrenaline in my system, I knew what I had to do: put in "Telephone." I wish I would have gotten our performance on video because I sounded great to be singing and dancing at the same time... at least to my own drunken ears. The crowd went wild, but no drinks were offered. We left the karaoke bar soon thereafter, and went home not long after that.

Sunday, I was planning to see Grrber out in the Hamptons, but he told me the night before that he was working Sunday and Monday! I really couldn't see myself using one of my few vaca days and spending $50 on the Jitney to sit around a house or walk around a small town for 2 days, so I bailed and stayed in the city.

I skipped out on drunk brunch with the boys, but I made up for it with turbo bar-hopping in the late afternoon. After a drink at Gym Bar, I shot over to see Scotty Rox at G Lounge. 4 drink tickets later, I stumbled back to Gym Bar to meet up with Bottomless Pitt. We ran into Duplex, who faked like he was going to get us drinks: "Oh, I don't know this bartender. I don't have any cash on me. Do you have a 10?" It wasn't long before we ditched for Boots ‘n Saddle karaoke.

I was in the mood to try something different, so we coughed up the $4 cover for the Monster. It was pretty sparse, but the guys around the piano were having a grand time as usual. Bottomless Pitt has this hilarious habit of doing off-key ‘oo’s while people are singing (kind of like our dog would howling when my sister would sing in the house). I couldn’t even sing along to the few songs I knew because I was a) doubled over in a seizure of laughter and b) hoping nobody thought it was I doing the howling.

image from wesleying.org

With a pair of long islands, we made our way downstairs, and somehow I started talking to a guy from Greece. Bottomless Pitt stuck around for about 3 minutes before seeing there was chemistry and peacing out.

Greco: “What happened to your friend? Is he alright?”

Me: “He’s fine. Probably got a booty text or something.”

Greco: “A what.”

Me: “It’s not important. Tell me more about Sparta.”

It wasn’t long before we were hardcore making out (there’s been a lot of that lately, huh). He told me he lived in the Bronx and had to wake up early for work, so I reluctantly got his number and wished him a good night.

Did I mention Duplex was still awake? Yeah.

Click here to check out that awkward moment when my mom's friend thought I was straight...

Note: you may find the "Topics of Discussion" on the right and the Cast of Characters to be of help in navigating this blog.

Fun with Adam 4 Adam: a screenname that includes Crisco (kinda NSFW)

In an effort to expand readership for the blog, I have whored myself out to very familiar websites (that have helped countless gay men expand other things in their lives): Adam4Adam, Manhunt, and BigMuscle. Keep in mind that these threads read from bottom to top. Click the screenshots to enlarge.

One fine evening after moving my profile to a southern city, I opened my inbox and found the following message:

You have “wet” in your screenname, and you start out your message with the word “wiz.” Okay….

But really, his profile text is A4A gold! For someone so fluent in hood-speak, I found he was quite open-minded (under certain conditions).

Adam4Adam continues to blow my mind! This really handsome guy markets himself with this screenname that involves swallowing sperm, but he was actually talking to me like a person (and not a generic prop in a black-dick fantasy)!

The juxtaposition is killing me! Panties: GONE!

Best believe black people have taken over everything in ATL.

Even the synagogues!

That’s so special… he cut and pasted this just for me!

Wait, is that it?! He didn’t mention sex at all! Or even cuddling! *signs back on*

Now, I try not to put people’s screennames on blast, but this one was too good.

Here we have the expected pose for someone with a screenname that includes Crisco. But the funniest thing about this picture wasn’t the spread cheeks. Or the 1’ circumference dildo on the right. Or the cleaning supplies in the background…

Look closely: he’s not the only one in the picture.

(DEAD!)

Click here to check out more Fun with A4A.

Click here to check out a Fun with Grindr post.

You get madd props out the wazoo (Cheer New York Sea Tea '10)

Cheer New York’s Sea Tea was the day after Sandblast, and I wasn’t exactly rested going into it. BTW, Sea Tea is a gay booze cruise that sails around lower Manhattan (on a boat appropriately named Queen of Hearts), usually on Sunday afternoons during the summer. Cheer NY does an annual fund raiser cruise, which I've attended the last 2 years.

I woken up early and trekked out to outer Queens to go grocery shopping for my grandmother, who is recovering from a broken hip (she’s doing quite well). I on the way back to Manhattan, I texted a few people that I knew were coming to see if they wanted to pre-game and hang out on the Pier. I’d drained off the juice from the extra bag of alcohol-soaked fruit from the day before, but that lasted us about 20 minutes since no one else thought to grab any liquor. We ended up at Rock Bar to get cheaper-than-on-the-boat drinks.

The party on the boat itself was fun. Most of the people I knew were spread out between the 3 floors, so I had plenty of reason to wander around. About 2 hours into the cruise, I ran into Colombiano, who was there with a crew of super-hot Latin guys. He introduced me around, and I started talking to the youngest, cutest one (probably mid-20s). At one point after I had gone away and come back, he offered me the rest of his drink. I figured he didn’t like what he’d gotten, but about halfway through, he asked for it back. I guess I misunderstood (awkward!).

I didn’t seem to be getting any particular vibe from him, so I left it alone. Then I saw Tightey Whitey go over and start talking to him. And getting flirty. And exchanging numbers. So, like any excited gay would do, he skipped across the boat to tell us about his triumph.

Whitey: “…And D. Kareem, you gotta give me props for that! I mean come on: did you see him?!”

Me: “Yeah, Whitey, I did."

image from Cheer NY's facebook page

Whitey: “I mean, I saw you talking to this majorly hot guy, and you weren’t really making a move…”

Me: “Okay, Whitey. I think we—“

Whitey: “And I got his number! Come on D. Kareem. Let’s here it. You gotta admit that was pretty awesome.”

Me: “Yes, Whitey! You get madd props out the wazoo for getting the hot guy’s number. The hot guy that wasn’t into me. I’m happy for you. Really.”

Though it wasn’t nearly as packed as my first Cheer New York Sea Tea, I think this was the first year that I wasn’t champing at the bit to get the fuck off the boat when we docked. Bottomless Pitt and I grabbed a drink at the Hangar before heading to Karaoke at Boots ‘n Saddle, where, once again, the same bartender refused to honor the FourSquare drink deal (why even bother).

And as soon as I walked into Boots 'n Saddle, I made eye contact with the Hilarious Tattooed Karaoke Guy. We tend to drunk-makeout when we see each other (followed by him not wanting to follow through... which is more characteristic of someone half his age, but whatever).

Did I mention that Tightey Whitey sent the following text later that night about the boy he was so excited about?

Yeah.

Click here to check out Cheer NY's Sea Tea '09.

Note: you may find the "Topics of Discussion" on the right and the Cast of Characters to be of help in navigating this blog.

Fun with Grindr: The White-Acting Experiment

People on the gay online “networking” scene do the strangest things in the US! There are the people who are looking for “friends only” or “NOT looking for sex” but have ass pictures posted. There are several who are “happily partnered and not looking” but post shirtless pictures of themselves. And there are the guys who are thoughtful enough to provide lists of attributes for guys to use as guidelines before interacting with them. Most common: “muscle 4 muscle,” “masculine guys only,” and “white… looking for similar.”

The last two are absolutely hilarious to me (and I see them in NYC more often than you'd think). And one day as I was scrolling through profiles, it occurred to me: what if these guys who are looking for ‘white only’ aren’t necessarily talking about physical phenotype. Maybe they were just avoiding the ‘whadup yo’ greetings from hoodrats, holding out for compete sentences. Maybe the baggy jeans, fitted caps and white tees are a turn-off for them. What if they just associate these behaviors with black people in general and aren’t used to seeing a more… let’s say ‘mainstream’ type of black person.

Out of these ponderings came the Grindr white-acting experiment. For a week, I changed my Grindr profile to this:

Needless to say, it was a slow week on Grindr for me, but got mixed results as far as responses.

Um... have you heard any black comic talk about “what they say” about white guys? Maybe we should avoid the stereotypical paradigms: it’s not a good look for you.

Hint: I didn't do all those crunches and planks to have you compliment my allegedly dinosaur-sized dick. If you're gonna compliment, compliment what you can see.

Some didn't bother reading the profile text at all.

“Would you have said ‘your’ if I were white?!”

And no, you can't touch it.

Others were careful not to make assumptions.

…if you’re rich.

Shout out to the equality crusaders!

But Eminem could still get it.

New rule: let's just avoid any word that is rooted in the word “nigger.”

One guy who messaged me had obviously not gotten caught by the Grindr Decency Police yet. He was Latin, and his profile picture was his (very nice) ass getting penetrated by a (very dark) dick. It wasn’t the clearest of pictures, but I saw no evidence of a condom. Not long after he messaged me, he changed it to a non-penetration picture of his ass. Profiles like this make me laugh because I always go into these things trying to put my best foot forward for a good first impression. It’s sad when you have to spend most of your life with your best feature covered up.

Anyway, here’s the conversation (in its entirety)…

I have no idea whether or not that was related to the text in my profile or not, but I had to share.

Don’t be that guy.

Please keep in mind that this post in intended with the same tongue-in-cheek sarcasm as the rest of my posts. I would never go after someone who targeted me because he thought I acted 'white. And I would never be sincere in describing myself as 'white-acting... but bourgie's a different story.

Click here for more Fun with Grindr.

Fun with Texting: Bear. Chat. Roulette.

People somehow think it's appropriate to text me the weirdest things. Today’s Fun with Texting post is dedicated to Grrber. We’ve been dating for a while now, and there has been no lack of laugh-out-loud moments. Keep in mind, I'm in the green.

One night, planning to meet up after work…

One morning after he slept over at my place…

One night in support of one Corey Booker, mayor of Newark and all-around badass…

"Thank god she’s pretty." Keep in mind, he got in for free.

One night after an urgent text from a friend…

One night while out with the boys [he’s out of town for the summer]…

Note the time stamps.

TTT thinks it’s hilarious that I’m dating a bear. As such, he takes every opportunity to text me any bear reference he can. Among the highlights…

Har-dee-har, TTT.

Real fuckin' funny, TTT.

Don't text and drive! Texting and walking is dangerous enough!

Click here to see more Fun with Texting.

Note: you may find the "Topics of Discussion" on the right and the Cast of Characters to be of help in navigating this blog.