this was a 7-day GAY cruise (Atlantis Events' Allure of the Seas 2011: pre-sail in Ft. Lauderdale)

Our Big Gay Cruise actually started a day early when we flew out of JFK on Saturday afternoon. I came via Penn Station on the LIRR. As per my JFK travel tradition, I stopped by one of the cafes in the LIRR concourse for champagne. For $7.03, they will pour 2 mini-bottles into a to-go cup of ice. You haven't lived til you've experienced the joy of cheap champagne through a straw.

I met up with Calipornia in a restaurant/bar Terminal 5 where she had ordered a burger and cocktail before boarding. Now, Calipornia has been on a low-carb diet for the past 10 years 4 months in preparation for this cruise, and I'd left my breakfast sandwich on the kitchen counter. My eyes lit up when I saw the side her burger came with.

Me: "Can I get a plate? I know she's not going to eat that potato."

Cali: "Damn straight! You want the bun, too?"

Our flight took off without a hitch (thanks for the extra leg room, JetBlue), and we landed on time to a non-humid 78 degrees in Fort Lauderdale. A blogger that I know through my day job, Rosy (not to be confused with Rosebud), lives in the area, and she'd told me when we'd met in person the week before (P&G put her up in NYC for her to sample and review products!) that she'd give me a ride from the airport. This was a godsend after I'd paid $60 for a cab to my hotel last time I was in FTL. Rosy’s a chatty kinda gal with a sense of humor, so there wasn’t a dull moment in her car.

Rosy (excited but cautious): "So... There's this place I've been dying to go for brunch."

Cali: "Brunch?! They do brunch here! I haven't had brunch since..."

Me: "Last week."

Rosy: "It's a gay place, too!”

Me: “Hell yeah!”

Rosy: “It's called Lips!"

At this point, I cracked up laughing. Calipornia's audible sigh effectively conveyed her lack of approval.

Me: "The place with all the drag queen servers?!"

Rosy: "Yes! Have you been?!"

Me: "There's one in New York. Six years, and I've never been. Hear it's popular for bachelorette parties, tho."

Cali: "I've been, and that place is totally tragic!"

Rosy: "They're doing Gospel Brunch tomorrow... And they have unlimited mimosas."

Me: "Unlimited mimosas, you say?"

Calipornia (pausing): "Well, it is kind of perfect to kick off the gayest cruise ever..."

Rosy: "I can pick you guys up and take you to the port afterwards!"

Cali: "Sold! Gospel Brunch!"

Rosy: "Is the hotel much farther on this road?"

Cali: "You see how this is 23rd St... We're going to 50-something."

Rosy dropped us off at the hotel, and we made dinner plans for a few hours later.

Now, when I tell you our hotel was in the middle of nowhere, I mean there wasn't a gas station or convenience store in sight! We needed a nosh, so we walked past the Denny's to a steakhouse.

I was wearing my lavender skinny jeans with a light sweater that barely reached my hips, and all day, I'd been getting stares. It was even worse in the two blocks from the hotel to the steakhouse because we were at a major intersection. We were the only ones for miles on the sidewalk, and I'm sure people were wondering why we weren't driving.

Cali: "You're gonna cause an accident; people are stopping to stare at you."

Me: "They stopped because light is red, Cali!"

Cali: "30 feet away from the last car?"

Me: "Shit, you're right. Are these pants that tight?"

Cali: "They're definitely that lavender."

Literally, over half of the cars at the light were looking in our direction.

Upon entering the steakhouse, we bellied-up to the bar, and Dawn, our late-40s, blonde bartender, handed us a list of $13.95 entree options with our menus, stating we were "just in time for these!"

Me (out of the side of my mouth): "Did she just hand us the early-bird special?"

Cali: "The teriyaki chicken looks good."

Me: "Oh my god... They only have one flavor of Absolut! Where ARE we?!"

After splitting a meal and downing a couple of drinks (each... $7.50 for grey goose!), we moseyed past the gawkers back to the hotel for a nap.

Rosy picked us up, around 8:30 for dinner in Wilton Manors (the Chelsea/Hell's Kitchen of FTL). We tried to go to Rosy's (a sceney joint formerly known as Hamburger Mary's… no relation), but they told us flat out that it's be a 1.5-hour wait. Manor, a restaurant/bar/club down the way, looked pretty open. They told us 30 minutes, but we ended up waiting almost 3 times as long. Luckily, we had a salsa/merengue band to keep us entertained. Calipornia and I each took a turn with Rosy on the dance floor, and Cali discovered a previously unknown talent for merengue.

Rosy was done after dinner, but Calipornia and I walked down to what might be the gayest strip mall ever. In addition to a club and a bar (in a strip mall!!), there are gay apparel stores. What makes them gay, you ask? The names "Tops and Bottoms" and "Gay Mart" were my first indication. It was actually ideal because Cali had only brought 4 speedos and needed to shop. Apparently, she'd missed the memo that this was a 7-day GAY cruise.

So we walked into Georgie's Alibi, the bar next door, with Calipornia's clear bag holding her neon green and blue speedo. Between running into, Brian Rafferty (an NYC promoter, hottie, and badass) and his crew and an innumerable number of Cali's acquaintances from past cruises, it was a night of constant introductions and double kisses.

After, we headed to Boom across the way, which was fun, but uneventful with a sparse crowd. We were back at the hotel by 2.

The next morning, Rosy picked us up for 11:30 brunch at Lips. They were playing all the gospel classics when we walked in, and after that 3rd mimosa, I was about ready to get up and start singing myself. The performances were fun, and our server, Deja, was an absolute delight!

Did I mention that Calipornia's last-minute stop into Gay Mart netted him 3 additional speedos and a tank top? Yeah.

Click here to check out Rosy's blog, "Miami's premiere POP culture site," Accidental Sexiness.

Click here to check out my last international adventure in Australia.