My birthday celebration involved fried food and boobs on display. The only thing that would have made it better: fried boobs.
I really didn't feel like planning a house party this year, so I got a few of my boys to meet me at Hooters for dinner (orange is my favorite color!). Hippy Cuz happened to be in the City, so I had her meet me at my place before. Within seconds of her arrival, we both had screwdrivers in our hands, cackling through our convo.
Hippy Cuz: "Have you seen Nana recently?"
Me: "Not since Mom was up. Why?"
HC: "She's gotten a lot more, um, sexually explicit recently."
Me: "Really?"
HC: "Yeah, I was at the house yesterday, and she said, 'Hippy, don't do for no man what he won't do for you.'"
Me: "Stop!"
HC: "She says this stuff all the time to me!"
Me: "Well, I guess she's figured out that you're having 'the sexes'."
HC: "That's almost as bad as when Aunt Bea [the preacher's wife] told me, 'Hippy, you need to marry a man from South Carolina. They eat their greens!'"
Me: "Oh my god! I remember hearing her say that when I was younger! Damaged for life!"
HC: "And then there's Nana's anal sex story."
Me: "Stop it!"
HC: "I tried to tell you last year, but you made me stop."
Me: "Understandably so! But now I'm too curious. Fuck, I'm going to regret this... Okay, go!"
HC: "Nana said, 'They need to let those boys go ahead and be in the military: men been wantin' anal sex since the beginning of time!"
Me: "I can't. I just... I really can't."
HC: "Yeah, I was told to report back on if you had a 'beau' or not. I was like, 'Maybe we should let him make that known when he's ready.' Oh, and here!"
Hippy Cuz produced an already-opened mini-bottle of sweet tea vodka from her purse. I laughed and took a small swig.
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| image from crazyfunnypictures.blogspot.com |
Hippy: "No, go for it. I had the other half on the train."
Me: "Our family sure can produce some alcoholics."
After a giggly subway ride, Hippy Cuz and I met up with a few of the boys at midtown's finest establishment. It's actually a pretty amazing feat what those girls squeeze into their uniforms. I'd never seen so many boobs defy gravity before!
Hippy Cuz: "Now, do they HAVE to wear the tights?"
Me: "Yes! It's part of the uniform, just like the white socks and sneakers! And pulling the shorts up to their bust line."
Hippy: "I wonder if they shave or if they use hair nets..."
Me: "There really isn't much alcohol in this glass."
MicHELLe: "I know, right. We might need to have a lil sit-down with our waitress Miss Maria and be like, 'Look...'"
Me: "'...we're not virgins, and nobody's driving. I'ma need these to be way more harsh, Ty.'"
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| image from Tighty Whitey's facebook profile |
After we settled the bill, which was a mess I was glad not to have to deal with, the HK gays all peeled off, and the fun gays rest of us went to a cute back yard party in the East Village. I was freaking out because it was too late to go to a liquor store, and I didn't want us walking in as an empty-handed group. I'd forgotten that people actually drink beer, but I opted for orange juice instead.
Two or three screwdrivers later, those of us who were still standing grabbed a cab over to Pieces. And picking up a cab on 3rd Ave at 1:45am is no small feat!
Bartender: "Hey, you guys gonna strip down? You know you drink for free in your underwear, right?"
Bottomless Pitt: "Why bother,it ends in 15 minutes!"
Bartender: "What do you mean?"
Pitt: "Doesn't that specialonly go til 2?"
Bartender: "Oh, I didn't know. I was just pouring..."
Me (to Pitt): "Dumbass."
When I turned around and saw HippyCuz start to unzip her dress, I couldn't deal and had to move further into the bar.
After a bit of mingling (okay, fine, we stayed til close), we stumbled around the corner to Waverly for diner food. Did I mention that passing out at 6am with all the lights (and my shoes) on was NOT how I planned to start my birthday weekend? Yeah.
Click here to check out my Beyoncé-themed birthday.
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