I got back to the room to shower and change for the banquet. I was already late, but these things never start on time anyway. Acquiring a Red Bull was my top priority at that point, but I refused to buy one from the hotel gift shop. There had to be a Rite Aid within a couple of blocks, right?
Cop: "Drug store? It's a ways away. You may just want
to stop in this hotel..."
Bouncer: "You can get a Red Bull right in there."
Me: "In the liquor store?"
Bouncer (like, duh): "Yeah, it's a party store."
I walked in after my table had already gotten food, pouring
my Red Bull into the glass in front of me.
Dad: "Planning on a late night?"
Me: "Planning on staying awake through this
banquet."
The first order of business on the banquet program was for everyone to be introduced. All 10
people at all 10 of the tables (attendance was down this year). And each table
had one representative speak for the table. Even tough my table included a
super-high-ranking government official, the family matriarch (my grandmother),
and my very popular and outspoken mother (I found it most effective to
introduce myself as my mom's son or my grandmother's grandson the whole
weekend), I was immediately delegated as speaker of the table. Awesome.
Yes, I've done theater and performed on stage countless times (professionally, at one point... sort of). But what
my family doesn't get is that there's a huge difference between rehearsed
performance and extemporaneous speech, the latter of which is a specialty of
many family members. Did I mention that I didn't know the name of the elderly
cousin sitting next to me?
She told it to me. I messed it up.
Then they called for participants in the talent show while
they did door prizes. There were no less than 30 door prizes.
The talent show, was comprised solely of children under the age of 10. Mind you, I am obligated to sing at almost every family gathering on both sides, but somehow, I got out of this one with almost no fight. One little girl almost performed in a bunny ballet costume because "I paid $84 for this
costume, so we're getting another use out of it!" but her music messed up. One duo rapped
"Nice Guys Finish Last" a cappella (keep in mind: all under 10).
 |
| image from asntown.net |
One pair of girls (about 8 and 5 years old) danced to
Rihanna's "Rude Boy". The very "Rude Boy" where Rihanna demands that he
"Get it up", "Take it" and "Give it to me baby like
boom, boom, boom!" and to close the talent show: a little girl lip
synching to Nikki Minaj's "Super Bass". Gestures, affectations and
all.
I was so glad when they cut on the music and opened up the
dance floor.
The festivities wrapped up around 11, and no liquor was
served, so you know I was ready! Plus our local cousin was supposed to be
taking us out! I couldn't wait to make fun of the colorful scenery of a downtown
Detroit bar!
Hippy Cuz and I went up to my slightly older cousins' room,
but they still had my one cousin's kid and nephew in their care until said
cousin's parents got back from the casino (pronounced "casinah"). ETA: an hour.
Cousin (handing me $25): "Here. Get something
good."
 |
| image from babesesh.blogspot.com |
When I'd brought up liquor before, the cousin that didn't give me money had mentioned some flavor of Ciroc. This was the same cousin that was into Nuvo, so I knew she liked her liquor sweet. The cousin who had given me money: who knows. So at the liquor sore, I figured Pinnacle vodka (whip cream flavor) and a pre-mixed cosmo would be a pretty safe bet.
Cousin who paid at 12:30: "Damn, you can't send children to the liquor
store!"
Same cousin at 1:30: "Damn, I'm mad y'all let me finish this
bottle of cosmo mix by myself!"
One of these cousins works on the more educated side of
law enforcement. She'd been ragging on the police cars all day, which was valid
because it looked like it'd been 10 years since their squad cars' last oil change paint job.
Me: "Well, you've heard how broke the City of Detroit
is!"
Cousin: "And?! Get a federal grant get new squad
cars like everybody else does!"
She definitely got a cop to pose next to his broken-down
cruiser for a pic with her on the way to the diner.
 |
| poor sap probably thought this was admiration |
It was too late to go out, since the bars close at 2, but
the late-night diner scene was entertaining in and of itself. I managed to
sneak us in with no wait (thanks to a careful ear and a group ahead of us that
suddenly expanded from 4 to 7 people), but we were stuck next to the cash
register. My cousins could afford to be much more flirty with the hot manager
than I. They really weren't that into him, but it was something to do.
Speaking of flirting, I don't think I noticed a single gay
man the whole time I was in Detroit. There were lesbians all over the hotel,
though. In fact, I was in the elevator with a young black lesbian in a
"Legalize Gay" shirt. Someone got off on a floor before ours, and she
leaned out the door. It almost looked like she was getting out, but she grabbed
something and jumped back in with a prize from the ash tray in her hand.
Her (grinning): "Fat-ass joint!"
My facial expression: "??!!!!!"
Welcome to Detroit.
After the diner, I walked with my cousins to the casino, but
I had to leave them to gamble without me. Did I mention I had about 3 hours til
my parents left for the airport? Yeah.
Click here to check out a Fun with Grindr post.
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