who walked in with the Patrón (a cousin's surprise 50th)

My mother's deceased father has 4 generations of nieces in one branch. The oldest (the Diva, in her 70s, but could easily pass for 50s), her Daughter (50), TeeTee (early 20s) and TeeTee's daughter (maybe 10). Diva told me a few weeks in advance that she wanted me to come to a surprise 50th birthday party they were throwing for the Daughter in Queens by where Nana lives, but that was all the info I got.

image from thegoldensmith.blogspot.com

When a reminder came up in my phone, I still had no info on said celebration, which I assumed would be a cookout at their house. I called Nana to see if she had the low-down, but she didn't know and didn't want to call their house and raise suspicion.

"Call me back around 6, and I should be able to tell you."

But what if it's during the day...

Luckily, Mom had the Diva's sister's number. Turns out they were having it at the Daughter's sister's daycare, and they wanted people there at 9:30 so they could surprise her at 10. This worked perfectly because I had a couple of birthday parties in the City that night, too. I could stay for a few hours, have some drinks and a kee-kee with the fam and still have time to head out.

About 15 minutes after I got the intel, Nana called me to tell me that we were supposed to be there at 8:30. And then she dropped the bomb: "Can you drive me and your aunt? We'll need to find parking and all."

I calmly responded, hung up and screamed into a pillow. What's the point of paying NYC rent prices when you have to stay sober enough to drive on a Saturday night like everyone else in the country! Plus, I love a good drink with the Fam. 

It's a hassle to get to Nana's house in Queens, but she always offers to pick me up at Jamaica Station, which is quite convenient from the LIRR. My train came in around 8:30, and it was a short drive to the day care center. I jumped in the driver's seat and found a parking spot maybe 50 feet away from the door. My aunt, who uses a walker, took no less than 10 minutes to get out of the car and in the front door. Did I mention I had to pee? Did I mention the Barbie-sized toilets in the daycare bathroom?

image from thegoldensmith.blogspot.com

AND did I mention that we arrived to the daycare owner, her friend and the DJ still setting up? Either they were running really far behind, or Nana had gotten us there a good hour early (I'll give you 3 guesses on that one). 

About 15 minutes later, my cousins Duchess and Duke (a couple in their 40s named because their daughter is the Queen) walked in with their hilarious friend whom I haven't seen since I was old enough to fully appreciate her humor.

Duchess (in the thickest Harlem accent ever): "Nana, do you know where we just came from... because someone told us to come over before."

Nana: "I told you to come early!"

Duchess: "We're over there ringing the bell, looking in the windows. I almost knocked on Mrs. McManning's door. Duke was like, 'Call D. Kareem's mom,' but I didn't want to get her all anxious. We figured y'all must have left if the car was gone."

Me: "Nana was making doubly sure she made it to the party, okay!"

Duchess' friend: "Do they have a bartender?! I'ma go see if they need one."

Duchess: "Here we go."

Duke: "Hey, D. Kareem, check out these pictures!"

Duke's new thing is photography. He's actually really good at it, but any time you see him, you'll spend at least 20 minutes flipping through photos, usually at a relative's wedding. And I've never known someone to have so many relatives get married! But this particular wedding was pretty spectacular.

The bride rolled up to the ceremony in a vintage Rolls Royce. She got out of the Rolls, flanked by costumed Renaissance trumpeters on either side of her, and accompanied by a man in a cream tux with tails, white gloves, a white hat, and a clear pimp cane.

Me: "Ah, she went older, I see."

Duke: "That's the father."

Me: "STOP."

The groom and all his groomsmen had white tuxes, white gloves, white pimp hats, and clear canes. Oh, and the ring bearer, too. Which made the father's cream tux that much more perplexing. I really just couldn't deal.

Duchess' friend: "Well, you remember in Duchess' wedding—"

Me (giving Duchess the evil eye): "I don't. I couldn't attend."

Duchess: "Oh, yeah. I forgot you couldn't come because we said no kids."

Me: "Who does that! I've never heard of that before or since."

Dutchess' friend (pointing towards the door): "Oo! Who is that, and what's in the bag?!"

Me: "I'd recognize that box anywhere. Patrón."

After my cousins (in their 60s), who walked in with the Patrón, greeted everyone, they added their bottle to the bar. Our table, which just happened to be closest to the bar, came to the conclusion that said bottle had been opened already.

They turned off the lights when the Daughter was about to arrive. They had told her they were going out, but they had to pick up their friend who was working late at the daycare. She walked in with her little black dress and makeup and fake ponytail ready to curse her friend out for holding them up.

best party favors ever.

Surprised wasn't even the word. I mean, she was screaming and crying and laughing all at the same time. It took her a good half hour to go around and greet everyone. But once she got a few drinks in her system, she led all her friends to the dance floor to prove that at 50 she did still, in fact, have it.

Then she started singing on the microphone over Tina Marie.

Me: “I’m going to tell the DJ to unplug her mic. Create a distraction.”

By my third drink, I really didn’t much mind that I wasn’t making it back to the City before 2am. But did I mention that my cousin offered to follow me back to Nana’s and drop me off in Manhattan? Yeah! 

Click here to check out a night out with my mom and what happened when I found out the guy I was propositioning was HIV positive.