The body paint was its own adventure (Atlantis Events' Allure of the Seas 2011 Days 2 & 3: "Ask Me; Tell Me," Heros and 70s parties)

When I got back on the ship, I had just enough time for either a nap or a pool-side layout before it was time to get ready for the military-themed "Ask Me; Tell Me" tea dance. Of course, I went with the latter. As I settled in a seat on the level above the main pool, I heard the signature Rydell-High chimes that come on before an announcement from Captain Zini.

Our Captain had some kind of exotic accent that sounded mixed between Latin and Euro. I pictured him as a nicely-muscled 40-something who's ridiculously handsome with graying temples and a blindingly white smile. He seemed to be on pace for at least 3 announcements daily, but his accent was so sexy that I'd pop wood if he read the phonebook. Anyway, his announcement was far from the cheerful tone we were used to. He explained to us that 5 guys were being kicked off the ship for using GHB at the party the night before. It was obvious from the way that he said “G… H… B?” that he’d never heard of the substance before and had no idea what it did. Come to think of it, I’m not totally sure what it does.

At the end of his (damn near 10-minute) address, he emphasized that Royal Caribbean's primary concern was our safety. We should have fun, but we should "be responsible for the consequences of [our] actions." Talk about a downer.

For the "Ask Me; Tell Me" Tea Dance, I had envisioned a variation on Kylie Minogue's shirt in "All the Lovers," but by the time I got Calipornia to basically sew me into my shirt, it was a lot less glamorous than I'd pictured in my head.

After stopping off to see Fey for a drink, we arrived at the outdoor Aqua Theater (where they do diving shows) to find thousands of guys dressed in camo, drab and other service-inspired vestments. Men filled the stage, seating area, platforms and walkway leading to the theater. There was also a short performance by some of the Atlantis staff (which I couldn't see).

At one point, I was dancing with some NYC gays I knew from my gym, and I looked up to find a huge video camera pointed at me. Luckily, the camera man had approached the good side of my outfit, so I grabbed the guy I used to have a huge crush on 3 years ago to start grinding with him (okay, maybe there's a bit of crush left over, but I was totally doing it to give them good footage!). I figured it was for the highlight video they put together after the cruise, but I later found out that they were broadcasting us on the jumbotrons above the stage.

A nap happened before dinner, and soon we had to start prepping for the “Heros” party that night. I'd come up with the idea of doing villain costumes with body paint, gloves, masks, tights and boots, but Calipornia's roommate let him borrow a ridiculous leotard-type piece with more of the ass cut out than covered.

The body paint was its own adventure. After almost giving up on the application of said paint, I suggested that Cali wet it with a was cloth. A half hour later, the washcloth was ruined, but my torso was completely covered.

"I'm gonna tell people that this is what happens when black people sunburn."

This party was in the Solarium on the upper deck, and bitches went all out on their costumes! I swear, I've never seen so much spandex in one place! But I think the award of the night goes to the NYC crew who dressed as the cast of Spiderman the Musical: complete with neck braces, bandages and hospital gowns.

image from a friend's Facebook album

We spent most of the party wandering, gawking and taking pictures. We got to the after party (held in a converted ice-skating theater) a bit early, but the place was filled within a half hour. After Calipornia got distracted by something twinky, I had a surprising amount of fun people-watching and dancing to the house music the Dj was playing.

I had two major fears at the end of the night. One was that the paint wouldn’t come off, which really wouldn’t do because I was determined to get some time in at the pool the next day. The other was that the body paint would ruin my very cute underwear. But when I stripped down, I only had a few spots on the waistband of the undies, and an extra-long shower plus a few hours sleep took care of the paint. I got to bed around 6.

Day 3 was at sea. Calipornia and I dragged ourselves to the pool just before 1. Unfortunately, half the boat had the same idea, but we were able to get a chair right by the main pool to share.

I was super-psyched for the 70s party that afternoon because this was my costume that some others may have had the idea for, but no one else would dare attempt to pull off. Polyester bell bottoms and roller skates. It was perfect because if I couldn't wear them on the ship, I'd just hang them around my neck as an accessory!

Calipornia (in my orange patterned Bonobos and a male-symbol medallion) and I ordered a drink from Fe (our fav bartender), and as I rolled through the halls of the ship to the party, I was getting all kinds of admiration for the outfit. As soon as I rolled into the party at the Aqua Theater, security flagged me down. It wasn't that I had to take the skates off: I had to surrender them until we got back to Fort Lauderdale! There were two pair already sitting by the security officers. Pissed wasn't even the word. And as I was unlacing the skates, I knocked over my 2/3rds-full drink.

image from Calipornia's Facebook album

Me: "If I had known they were banned, I wouldn't have bought them in the frost place! You would think they would put something like that as a footnote in the party guide!"

Cali: "You're not giving yourself enough credit. I mean, 5400 homes and maybe 4 thought to bring skates?"

Me: "Okay, huffing and puffing about it won't get my skates back. I'm gonna go grab my sneakers. I'm def gonna need another drink!"

As I was dancing I heard an Australian accent compliment my pants. Turns out the accent was attached to a handsome smile. I instantly turned on the Blackout charm, and conversation came easy. He even bought me a drink! Not that I couldn't afford the $6.61, but a drink from a hot stranger is a pretty major gesture in my book (since it never happens to me in NYC).

This Aussie did nothing to dispel the stereotype of Aussies being drunks. He told us that the night before, he'd lost his phone, wallet and shoes. But that wasn't even the most shocking part.

Him (pointing down): "Do you mind if I show you something?"

Me: "Don't worry: it takes a lot to shock me."

Did I mention what he showed me definitely counted as a lot (and I mean a whole lot)? Yeah.

Click here to see what socked me.

Click here to check out Day 2: Barbados.

Add me on Facebook to see pictures from these parties. NSFW.

Atlantis Events' official website.

Atlantis Events on Facebook.

Atlantis Events on Twitter.

They call me Dr. Feel Good. (Atlantis Events' Allure of the Seas 2011 Day 2: the Bahamas)

Day 2 on the Big Gay Cruise brought us to the Bahamas. We were only scheduled to be in the port til 12:30, so I had to set my alarm for about 4 hours after I went to bed.

There are all sorts of tourist markets right off the port in Nassau, and I walked right past them. My plan was to wander and see if I could find anything cool outside the obvious places. After about 15 minutes of walking, I found a small beach with white sand and clear water that made me realize two things: 1) I'm incredibly lucky to be in a position where I can take this type of vacation and 2) it's pretty unfair that people get to live in these beautiful surroundings while we have to deal with snow, wind chill and Standard Time.

Caribbean Man on the beach (fully dressed): "Hey, my man. What ship are you on?"

Me (warily): "Allure."

Him: "Alright. Do you need anything? Anything I can help you find?"

Me: "Actually, I really want to find some good conch."

Him: "Like a conch salad? There's a fish fry over yonder across the road. You need something to make you feel good? You smoke? They call me Dr. Feel Good. I can help you find whatever you need."

Me: "Oh. Uh, no thanks, man."

Him: "You sure? You need a woman?"

Me: "No."

Him: "You need a man?"

Me: "I'm good, thanks. But I'll let you know if anything comes up."

Him: "Well, decide quick 'cause I'm not around here for too long."

I wandered further to find a strip of old pastel buildings that turned out to be the nightlife spot. A few places were open, so I ambled into one of them, approaching the "Wait To Be Seated" sign. After about a minute, I realized that no one was making moves to seat me, so I walked in and sat at the bar. I was excited to try some conch fritters, but the bartender informed me that the kitchen wasn't open yet. I'd forgotten that it was just after 11 by that point. But the bar was open, so I got a Bahama Mama in a to-go cup.

“This is legal on the street, right?”

I wandered though the market on my way back to the ship, and about 25 dark-skinned women in lace-front wigs (it really was too hot for that mess) pitched me to buy their wares.

"Help you find something?"

"Let me show you my bracelets. Find something for mama?"

"Any of these bags catch your eye?"

Seriously, Canal Street has nothing on Nassau's bootleg purse scene.

Just outside the ship, I passed by the "Certified Hair Braiding" stand where some poor pre-teen white girl was being introduced to the pain of tight braids for the first time. I happened to be wearing an old sheer Hostess shirt that said "Sweet To Eat" across the front in faded colors. A large Bahamian woman called out: "Sweet to eat! Hey! Come here, Sweet to eat!"

I smiled and nodded, quickening my pace.

The whole time, I was wondering why I hadn't seen or heard a single thing about Rihanna. You'd think they'd be proud of their home-town hero, right? I'd been humming her songs all day hoping to at least see a billboard or a plaque or something.

Did I mention it took me til I got back on the ship for me to realize she's from Barbados, not the Bahamas? Yeah.

Click here to check out Day 1.

Click here to check out the "Ask Me; Tell Me," Heros and 70s parties.

Atlantis Events' official website.

Atlantis Events on Facebook.

Atlantis Events on Twitter.

all kinds of dirty things to either (or both) of them (Atlantis Events' Allure of the Seas 2011 Day 1, Part II: a HUGE surprise @ the Welcome Party)

Click here to check out Day 1, Part I.

It was an absolute madhouse down on the promenade! Everyone was psyched for our first nighttime party, and there were a few guys who were actually in their underwear. And as time went on, more and more briefs started to appear.

At one point, the music stopped, and the cruise director made some kind of announcement about a special guest performer. Then this door above us on the wall opened up, and this scorpion-tail of a stage slowly rolled out with a bunch of smoke and lights. All very dramatic. I figured it was some drag queen at first, but then Cali and I started yelling out singers that it could be. Cali was a bit more realistic in his hopes than I.

Me: “Britney!”

Cali: “Christina!”

Me: “Beyoncé!”

Cali: “Jennifer Hudson!”

Me: “Lady Gaga!”

Cali: “Lady Gaga? Really?”

Me: “It is the biggest gay cruise ever.”

A backlit figure stepped out onto the elevated catwalk with a microphone. We couldn’t quite see her, but as soon as she hit her first run, I knew exactly who it was.

She came out and performed 2 songs. It was a legendary kick-off to the worlds largest gay cruise!

Cali: “We should change into underwear.”

Me: “Right behind ya.”

There was an after-party in the ice rink arena, so we headed down there to dance and cruise. After a while, I’d lost Calipornia, but I ended up outside the arena talking to two very hot guys whom I’d met at different points in the night. Two guys who seemed to be flirting with me. It was a bit awkward because I would have been happy to do all kinds of dirty things to either (or both) of them. After being civil for a surprising amount of time, one suggested that we take off. And I went with him.

Did I mention the one I left with was the French hottie from earlier? Yeah.

Did also I mention the exterior balcony of a cruise ship stateroom is one of the most... "romantic" places I've ever been? Yeah.

Click here to check out our pre-sail Saturday in Fort Lauderdale.

Click here to check out Day 2.

Atlantis Events' official website.

Atlantis Events on Facebook.

Atlantis Events on Twitter.

Where’s the gangway! I want my money back! (Atlantis Events' Allure of the Seas 2011 Day 1, Part I: Boarding and the "Set Sail" Party)

On the first day of the Big Gay Cruise, the first thing we did in the port was hand our bags over to the porters to be taken to our cabins. We then had to pass through a security screening not unlike the airport (but we kept our shoes). We were separated by our deck numbers and checked in, receiving our combination key, ID and currency card for the ship. After a quick stop for a corny photo in front of a picture of the ship, we boarded. The whole process took less than a half hour, and Calipornia, an event planner by trade, was quite impressed.

Cali: "We're dropping off our carry-ons at the room, and we're getting a drink!"

Now, when I say this is the biggest gay cruise ever, I'm not exaggerating. Royal Caribbean's Allure of the Seas is the biggest cruise ship to date, and the list of features is impressive to say the least (touch-screen displays in every lobby to tell you everything... down to how crowded each restaurant is!). Our room had a view of the promenade shopping area below. Above that was the ship's open-air Central Park, lined with restaurants and cafes (and real plants!). It was here that we found a kiosk-bar with our favorite bartender: Fe.

The smiley Filipina handed us drink menus, which we perused for way too long. Of course we picked the frozen drink for which she'd run out of mixer. She literally ran downstairs to get more, even after we told her we'd be happy to try something else. If Fe was the standard for this ship's service, I knew I'd be spending a lot of money on tips.

Cabin Door Decor

We had a bit of time to explore before the emergency demonstration, which all the ship’s staff (including entertainers) had to help with. Or demonstration was in the ice rink theater. As we were walking in, there was a number of staff personnel along the way to the seats. Among the people in Royal Caribbean polos was a fuck buddy I’d met back in the summer of ’08! I got a quick hello in, but we were late (and I didn’t want to get him in trouble).

. o O (Damn, he still looks good. I wonder if he’s allowed to fraternize…)

Calipornia and I sat down in one of the back rows. I looked to my left, and this blonde white guy comes prancing into our row wearing a pair of denim cut-offs that had been rolled up so short they had at least 3 inches of pocket showing. My first thought was Trashy! But when he smiled and greeted me with a French accent, my next thought was, Très Trashé… but he’s got a hell of a smile. We talked a bit and had a couple of laughs. When it was all over, we traded buddy cards. And as he walked away, I got a great view of his tramp stamp: a blue diamond just above the slightest hint of ass crack. And when I finally saw how well he filled out the back of the shorts, I made sure to remember which pocket I’d put his card in.

Did I mention that people made these ultra-slutty 'Buddy Cards' for the cruise with their cabin numbers on them? Like "come on by anytime." Well, really your cabin number is your phone number on the ship (mobile service is astronomically expensive if it's even available), so it's not that slutty... in theory. Most people put their contact info on them for staying in touch after as well.

Manhunt-esque pictures were not uncommon on Buddy Cards.

Next was the Set Sail party. The weather was beautiful! Everglades Port was not.

We were out on the pool deck enjoying a cocktail and getting a first look at all the boys on the ship. One of the boys I was checking out turned and looked back at me. Of course, it was a guy from my gym. And of course, he was there with his crew from the gym. And of course, unbeknownst to me, they knew Calipornia.

“I came 1000 miles from NYC to run into you fools?! Have we left port yet? Where’s the gangway! I want my money back!”

Calipornia had met quite an attractive age-liberated couple from Boston (probably from when he tried to pick up the twink of the two) who were involved with John Blair's New XL venture in NYC. After dinner with the pair in the very formal Adagio restaurant (I may or may not have worn shorts), we finished unpacking and got ready for the Welcome Party.

People had been saying that it was an underwear party the whole day. I looked over every piece of literature I had on the first day, and I saw nothing about an underwear party. I mean, I laid some cute ones out, but I definitely put on shorts and a shirt before I went down to the promenade.

Our room had a view of said promenade where the Welcome Party was taking place, and as I was unpacking, Calipornia, whose bed was closer to the window got distracted by some of the earlier party attendees.

“They’re looking up here. Oh, you want my shirt off? Okay! See? Yeeeeeeaaaaah! Oh, you like this? You just wait! D. Kareem, come over here!”

So we put on a lil flexing show for the people downstairs. Did I mention that the end of the show happened when the drag queens started motioning for us to make out? Yeah

Click here to check out our pre-sail night in Ft. Lauderdale.

Click here to check out our HUGE surprise on Day 1, Part II.

Atlantis Events' official website.

Atlantis Events on Facebook.

Atlantis Events on Twitter.

this was a 7-day GAY cruise (Atlantis Events' Allure of the Seas 2011: pre-sail in Ft. Lauderdale)

Our Big Gay Cruise actually started a day early when we flew out of JFK on Saturday afternoon. I came via Penn Station on the LIRR. As per my JFK travel tradition, I stopped by one of the cafes in the LIRR concourse for champagne. For $7.03, they will pour 2 mini-bottles into a to-go cup of ice. You haven't lived til you've experienced the joy of cheap champagne through a straw.

I met up with Calipornia in a restaurant/bar Terminal 5 where she had ordered a burger and cocktail before boarding. Now, Calipornia has been on a low-carb diet for the past 10 years 4 months in preparation for this cruise, and I'd left my breakfast sandwich on the kitchen counter. My eyes lit up when I saw the side her burger came with.

Me: "Can I get a plate? I know she's not going to eat that potato."

Cali: "Damn straight! You want the bun, too?"

Our flight took off without a hitch (thanks for the extra leg room, JetBlue), and we landed on time to a non-humid 78 degrees in Fort Lauderdale. A blogger that I know through my day job, Rosy (not to be confused with Rosebud), lives in the area, and she'd told me when we'd met in person the week before (P&G put her up in NYC for her to sample and review products!) that she'd give me a ride from the airport. This was a godsend after I'd paid $60 for a cab to my hotel last time I was in FTL. Rosy’s a chatty kinda gal with a sense of humor, so there wasn’t a dull moment in her car.

Rosy (excited but cautious): "So... There's this place I've been dying to go for brunch."

Cali: "Brunch?! They do brunch here! I haven't had brunch since..."

Me: "Last week."

Rosy: "It's a gay place, too!”

Me: “Hell yeah!”

Rosy: “It's called Lips!"

At this point, I cracked up laughing. Calipornia's audible sigh effectively conveyed her lack of approval.

Me: "The place with all the drag queen servers?!"

Rosy: "Yes! Have you been?!"

Me: "There's one in New York. Six years, and I've never been. Hear it's popular for bachelorette parties, tho."

Cali: "I've been, and that place is totally tragic!"

Rosy: "They're doing Gospel Brunch tomorrow... And they have unlimited mimosas."

Me: "Unlimited mimosas, you say?"

Calipornia (pausing): "Well, it is kind of perfect to kick off the gayest cruise ever..."

Rosy: "I can pick you guys up and take you to the port afterwards!"

Cali: "Sold! Gospel Brunch!"

Rosy: "Is the hotel much farther on this road?"

Cali: "You see how this is 23rd St... We're going to 50-something."

Rosy dropped us off at the hotel, and we made dinner plans for a few hours later.

Now, when I tell you our hotel was in the middle of nowhere, I mean there wasn't a gas station or convenience store in sight! We needed a nosh, so we walked past the Denny's to a steakhouse.

I was wearing my lavender skinny jeans with a light sweater that barely reached my hips, and all day, I'd been getting stares. It was even worse in the two blocks from the hotel to the steakhouse because we were at a major intersection. We were the only ones for miles on the sidewalk, and I'm sure people were wondering why we weren't driving.

Cali: "You're gonna cause an accident; people are stopping to stare at you."

Me: "They stopped because light is red, Cali!"

Cali: "30 feet away from the last car?"

Me: "Shit, you're right. Are these pants that tight?"

Cali: "They're definitely that lavender."

Literally, over half of the cars at the light were looking in our direction.

Upon entering the steakhouse, we bellied-up to the bar, and Dawn, our late-40s, blonde bartender, handed us a list of $13.95 entree options with our menus, stating we were "just in time for these!"

Me (out of the side of my mouth): "Did she just hand us the early-bird special?"

Cali: "The teriyaki chicken looks good."

Me: "Oh my god... They only have one flavor of Absolut! Where ARE we?!"

After splitting a meal and downing a couple of drinks (each... $7.50 for grey goose!), we moseyed past the gawkers back to the hotel for a nap.

Rosy picked us up, around 8:30 for dinner in Wilton Manors (the Chelsea/Hell's Kitchen of FTL). We tried to go to Rosy's (a sceney joint formerly known as Hamburger Mary's… no relation), but they told us flat out that it's be a 1.5-hour wait. Manor, a restaurant/bar/club down the way, looked pretty open. They told us 30 minutes, but we ended up waiting almost 3 times as long. Luckily, we had a salsa/merengue band to keep us entertained. Calipornia and I each took a turn with Rosy on the dance floor, and Cali discovered a previously unknown talent for merengue.

Rosy was done after dinner, but Calipornia and I walked down to what might be the gayest strip mall ever. In addition to a club and a bar (in a strip mall!!), there are gay apparel stores. What makes them gay, you ask? The names "Tops and Bottoms" and "Gay Mart" were my first indication. It was actually ideal because Cali had only brought 4 speedos and needed to shop. Apparently, she'd missed the memo that this was a 7-day GAY cruise.

So we walked into Georgie's Alibi, the bar next door, with Calipornia's clear bag holding her neon green and blue speedo. Between running into, Brian Rafferty (an NYC promoter, hottie, and badass) and his crew and an innumerable number of Cali's acquaintances from past cruises, it was a night of constant introductions and double kisses.

After, we headed to Boom across the way, which was fun, but uneventful with a sparse crowd. We were back at the hotel by 2.

The next morning, Rosy picked us up for 11:30 brunch at Lips. They were playing all the gospel classics when we walked in, and after that 3rd mimosa, I was about ready to get up and start singing myself. The performances were fun, and our server, Deja, was an absolute delight!

Did I mention that Calipornia's last-minute stop into Gay Mart netted him 3 additional speedos and a tank top? Yeah.

Click here to check out Rosy's blog, "Miami's premiere POP culture site," Accidental Sexiness.

Click here to check out my last international adventure in Australia.

we just all stripped down and jumped in bed (The Crew Does Boston Part II)

No one was feeling glamourous when they woke up in their hotel rooms. Then again, not everyone woke up in his hotel room.

Bottomless Pitt was determined to go to the gym before the day got started. She got dressed and everything. I got up and made a different salute to healthy living: a screwdriver. The rest of our room woke up and started gossiping. Then one of our boys came back from his trick's house. Pitt never made it to the gym.

Urban Sprawl (to Bottomless Pitt): "Sorry about last night."

Me: "What happened?"

Pitt: "This bitch. In the middle of the night, he just grabs me. Like bear-hug grabs me. Not cute."

Urban Sprawl: "Whaaat! I have night terrors."

Me: "You're lucky she didn't start humping you."

Some of the boys wanted to see Harvard for some reason (not even the ones who went there), so we trekked over to Cambridge to the campus. We saw the statue that had nothing to so with the founder of the college, and we pointed as we strolled past Mass Hall.

Pitt: "Okay, where's the bar."

We got a cozy table for 15 at a spot called John Harvard's near the campus. And we had the cutest otter waiter! The whole time, most of our table was swooning over him, but AdamFaceHunt was the most productive of our gang.

Adam: "So, we're looking for something to do tonight. Any suggestions?"

Otter Server: "Well what are you looking for?"

Adam (with a short pause): "Well, we were thinking about Underbar."

Otter: "Well, I'm bartending there tonight..."

As soon as that detail came out, the whole table vowed that we'd be there and coming to him for drinks (as if they don't share tips).

I have to say, John Harvard has the best fried calamari I've ever had. I was expecting fried octopus in a basket, not a bowl that included onions, peppers, spices, and tomato sauce. Highly recommended!

We didn't even have to declare naptime when we got back to the hotel; we just all stripped down and jumped in bed. I woke up first after an hour and a half (just before my alarm), and it wasn't long before most of the boys migrated into our room for pregaming to the Golden Globes on mute.

We decided that 10:30ish was the ideal time to get to the club. They were running a Grindr special that night: $5 off the $20 cover (ugh). My iPhone-deficient friends weren't happy, but they dealt with it.

We were in awe at the huge, beautiful club space we'd entered, but it was empty. People definitely didn't start coming til well after 11.

I saw the go-go box. I saw some tragic females dancing on it. I worked my way to the side of the box so that I could leap up the instant they got down. As soon as I got my footing, I hoisted Bottomless Pitt up with me.

We swore we were causing wet dreams up there! Bottomless Pitt had just started going back to the gym (after being sick), so she had her shirt off. I was donning one of my why-even-bother shirts.

And as I got caught up in the music, the crowd and the glamour of it all, my foot missed the end of the platform, and I fell! I caught myself before I hit anyone (or the floor), but I got a nice gash on my knee as a souvenir. Don't think for a second that stopped me from getting back up on the platform for another half hour.

Someone tapped my foot when it was time for the actual go-goes to come on. Why did I look down and see NYC promoter Joey Israel?! Wasn't she supposed to be at Küte?!

Before we left for the hotel (literally a block from the club), I thought I was so clever for giving the Otter Server a card for my blog. I found out when we got back that AdamFaceHunt had gotten his number. And dude was actually responding to her texts.

In totally unrelated news, did I mention that AdamFaceHunt was scheduled for a 4pm bus and ended up leaving the hotel before 1? Yeah...

Click here to check out The Crew Does Boston Part I.

Note: you may find the "Topics of Discussion" on the right and the Cast of Characters to be of help in navigating this blog.

Fun with Grindr: if TSWB Syndrome is in effect here

Call Me…

…because…

(Tongue like a horse?)

…because…

…I’ve never been equally attracted to and scared of a man before. My place your yours?

…because…

...on the bright side, if TSWB Syndrome is in effect here, your dick is probably the same size as your bicep.

(I have mixed feelings about this.)

…because…

...OMG, they cropped my profile photo, too, but never for showing nipple!

…because…

…I really need to know how this night ended. Like, for real, for real.

…because…

...putting your best foot forward in an online profile: UR DOIN IT RONG!

But I can help!

…because…

…yes.

I'll be back from my Big Gay Cruise on Monday. Til then, here's some old-school Fun with Grindr to tide you over.

if Maracas cleared out the tables and charged $10 (The Crew Does Boston: Part I)

The crew has ransacked DC and taken over Philly. It was only a matter of time before we bum-rushed to Boston. Now, Boston and I have history... not necessarily the best of history. But the fact that I wasn't going to be driving made me hate the idea of visiting much less.

image from paultheking.wordpress.com

I took a midday bus with AdamFaceHunt, and we spent a majority of the trip chatting.

Me: "I think a lot of guys don't quite know what to do when I proposition them."

AdamFaceHunt: "Well, it's because you're so direct! The guys probably think you're joking."

Me: "That makes sense. I've also been told I'm hard to read, too. Guys really don't pick up on when I'm flirting with them, so I'm used to being explicit to make sure my point gets across."

AdamFaceHunt: "I almost always get a cute guy's phone number when I actually go for it at the club. It's really pretty easy. I just walk up to them and start a conversation with something as simple as, 'How's it going?' But I'll only talk to him for about 10 or 15 minutes, max. I find and excuse to get away and let him get back to his friends or whatever. Then I say hi if I pass him, maybe have another short convo. But I keep an eye out for when he's about to leave or I just go over before I leave and casually ask for his number. If the conversation went well, he won't say no. It's worked every time, but the key is really not to talk yourself out of his interest by trying to stick with him the whole night. Gives him something to look forward to. Then the next day, I'll send a nice-to-meet-you text and ask him to grab a coffee or a drink later that week. God knows what happens after the coffee, but it'll get you a phone number."

image from nerdsonsports.com

Me: "That's really clever."

Him: "Yeah, but it's totally different if you want to hook up that night... God help you if you meet a guy and try to get it in before like 2!"

We arrived at South Station around 4:45, and when we checked a map, it looked like the Silver Line was the most direct way to our hotel. So we went towards the airport-bound side. Something looked a bit fishy on the map, so I asked an attendant. He (after going inside a booth to ask another worker) told us we should take 2 other lines, but we insisted that the Silver Line would be easier. He told us that to get to the Dudley-bound part of the Silver Line, we'd have to walk outside of South Station. We wandered around til we saw a sign that directed us across the street.

Adam: "That looks like the station we're looking for... Are those stairs?"

Me: "That's a bus shelter."

We walked for a good 10 minutes, asking everyone we passed (which wasn't a lot of people) where we could find the Silver Line. Finally, we reached what looked like a major street with a huge Paramount sign.

image from midwesternhousewives.blogspot.com

Me: "If any place should have a subway station, this is it!"

Adam: "Let's check this map across the street."

Me (after some searching): "Er, there's no Silver Line on this map. The trains stop are every color but silver."

AdamFaceHunt had made it painfully clear that he wasn't happy about not knowing exactly where we were headed though numerous comments and sighs, so it was no surprise when turned without a word and hailed a cab.

Me: "Double Tree Hotel, Downtown, please."

Driver: "You mean the one around the corner?"

Me (faking like I knew): "Yes, please."

Two minutes later, we were at the hotel. Just as we were shutting the cab door, a bus rolled by with a sign displaying, "Silver Line to Dudley."

Me: "The Silver Line isn't even a train?!”

Adam: “Well, the airport side is…”

Me: “I hate this fucking city.”

The boys already had red cups out when we arrived. We settled... we showered... we kee-kee-ed.

image from boston.com

The thing about the boys is that they'll come through with vodka. And none of that plastic-bottle shit either. But if you rely on them for mixers, you'll end up drinking vodka and Diet Coke. This does nothing to cut the taste of vodka: it's cheaper than juice, and if you do it enough, you learn to tolerate it. I never got to that point in college, so I knew I had to locate some Tropicana Premium orange juice.

After what seemed like 40 years in the desert (but it was more like 15 minutes in Chinatown), I finally found a Walgreens. Certainly makes one appreciate NYC bodegas on every corner.

As I walked out, a cascade of flashing lights about 3 blocks away caught my eye. It was the Paramount sign where we'd caught the cab. Turns out we’d caught a cab about 7 blocks in a straight line from our hotel.

After a good bit of pre-gaming, we took the longest walk ever to Club Cafe. The only reason it was tolerable was because we serendipitously ran into East Village Latina and Kunta Kente (both of whom were dragged to Boston for rather unfortunate academic reasons).

Club Cafe is a restaurant. Not a club. Imagine if Maracas cleared out the tables and charged $10 to get in. Welcome to Boston on a Friday night.

image from zvents.com

I happened to be wearing a bright orange polo with the sides cut out (as was the style in NYC, only they do it with tshirts and skinny arms). Everyone else's dress was depressingly weather-appropriate with button-downs and sweaters. But as Bottomless Pitt put it, "Getting fat is cheaper than buying layers."

The clubs in Boston shut down at 2. Someone mentioned an after-hours, so in the spirit of adventure, I checked it out with a couple other guys. Lessons learned for $20: said after-hours was mixed (not gay); they don't play pop music (trance? techno?); you should check your coat independently of your friend because he could disappear with some boy right when you're ready to get your coat and leave. That last one I already knew, but Rutgirls had to learn the hard way.

Did I mention AdamFaceHunt doesn't like to cuddle? Yeah.

Click here to check out our trip to DC.

Note: you may find the "Topics of Discussion" on the right and the Cast of Characters to be of help in navigating this blog.

Fun with Grindr: I’m looking at you, Northern California

Call Me…

…because…

…we both know you had no idea where you were staying when you got on that ferry.

…because…

…oh wait, you did!

…because…

...I really don’t care unless one of those messages is your “package.”

…because…

...I totally agree… and I got something for that yawn.

…because…

…I really hope “it” refers to your legs. Then again, with a body like that, who cares about spelling errors!

…because…

...I’m gonna guess that from all those masks on the wall, I’m just your type.

(but if you come at me all “Yo yo yo!” I’m kicking your ass to the curb)

(I’m looking at you, Northern California)

…because…

…you probably can’t hear me woofing at you under water. #drool

Click here for more fun with Grindr (Down Under!).

The Return of DR!P (the pool party at Grace Hotel)

KIDS! DR!P is back with a vengeance!!

Lee Chapell and Shequida started a pool party at Grace Hotel that shifted the landscape of the gay NYC nightlife scene. It was more than your typical pool party: it was a multi-sensory experience. Fun music, 3D projected visuals, costumed nightlife personalities, and a demographic that was willing to participate in the themes made is more than just twinks in speedos and expensive drinks.

After a hiatus of over a year, the nightlife architects behind DR!P have reassembled their team, and their following proved faithful with a great turn-out for the re-opening. They brought back Scotty Rox for the tunes, Matthew Camp and Go Go Harder for the muscles, and a host of glamorously costumed queens for the fabulous! The familiar DR!P faces like Chandilier and Lady K joined newer ones like Mila Jam and Dallas Dubois.

image from newyork.metromix.com

Speaking of Dallas DuBois, we got a special impromptu performance from the softer side of Cherry Grove’s Ice Palace drag duo (okay, it may have been planned, but it surely didn’t feel that way). DuBois brought her lip sync performance from the spotlight at the edge of the pool to the middle of the water, sending the boys into a drink-diluting splash-frenzy!

And just after the crowd started to come down from its peak number, they threw beach balls into the water. I was having so much fun (on the side of the pool… I don’t do water) that I really didn’t mind when I got hit in the head by a stray ball or 3.

For those of you not familiar, DR!P’s cover is $5. Well drinks are $12, but they had an $8 drink special that night. I arrived just before 11 and stood in line (inside) for about 10 minutes. Coat/clothes check wasn't as smooth as usual because the room they usually use for it was being renovated. And not everyone is in a speedo at this party. People come in street clothes, costumes, drag, thongs, jocks… and the multi-level space has plenty of dry lounge areas. As with all things nightlife related, all prices are subject to change, so check the Facebook invite for details. Or join DR!P's Facebook group to get the latest updates!

Room Mate Grace Hotel

125 w 45^th St.

212-354-2323

Click here to check out the last DR!P back in '09.