I'm racist against black people! (Nextworks, DR!P, and what happened at Industry after)

My Facebook invite for DR!P from hostess Austin Helms made mention of a "creative swimwear" contest. As much as I wanted to go all "Black Jesus + Amen Fashion", I had totally run out of ideas just didn't have time over the weekend. I threw a speedo in my bag on the way to work just in case I didn't make it home before the party.

image from the DR!P facebook page

In the middle of the day, Miss Austin Helms messaged me on Facebook to see if I wanted to be on his list. My response: "Why not! Save my lil $5 cover!"

I stayed a bit late at work and decided to check out Next Magazine's Nextworks networking function at Boxers in Chelsea. Let me tell you: that bitch was packed to the gills for the happy-hour event, and they'd even brought in go-goes to help distribute the raffle prizes (one of which was Justin Luke's novel Gulliver Travels).

I was waiting to order a drink when I noticed one of the promotional models pass me with a tray of free Stoli drinks. Much cheaper than 2-4-1! His co-worker handed me a Stoli t-shirt. It was XL, but I figured I could cut it up and wear it to the gym or something.

Meanwhile, I ran into a friend I didn't expect to see.

Him: "So I pulled an Anthony Weiner myself a couple of weeks ago."
Me: "You tweeted a crotch pic instead of direct-messaging it? Isn't that what unlocking on Manhunt is for?"
Him: "Not exactly. So I was traveling for work, and I passed the time in my hotel room by making videos of myself."
Me: "Stop it!"
Him (pulling out his phone): "And then I started talking to this hot guy in Florida on Scruff. I mean, so hot. Look at him!"
Me: "Oh, wow. He's so fucking hot!"
Him: "Sooooo, I sent him a video of me cumming all over my own face. Which he loved!"
Me: "Well, I'm sure he di– Wait, what?!"
Him: "You saw his picture! I'd do anything for that!"

image from dailymail.co.uk

Me: "Where was your hotel?"
Him: "California."
Me: "So it's not even like it was to entice him to come over."
Him: "I knoooow! And it was my face, on camera!"
Me: "Okay, you know you have to show me this video now."
Him: "Got it right here!"
Me (watching): "Oh... Oh wow... Yeah, you're definitely not running for president now... Uncut... There go the balls... How the hell are you balancing upside down and aiming the camera?!"
Him: "I know, right!"
Me: "I totally wouldn't be able to concentrate. Wow, you're really giving me Gaga face: 'I'm on the edge, the edge, the EDGE!' Oh... Oh... Aaaaaaand there it goes. Damn! That had to hurt your eye!"
Him: "Right in the eyeball!"
Me: "And he has this in his possession with the ability to 'Save This Video' on his phone."
Him: "And I took this picture after."
Me: "Well, at least that one isn't your whole face."
Him: "Hey, those boys with the free drinks just filled their trays!"
Me (after we both grabbed one): "A beer and a drink, huh? Don't you look like Mister Lush!"
Him: "Oh, no. I grabbed this one for you!"

After I downed both drinks, I went to hug this friend goodbye. I'd tucked my aviators, which were a bit bent out of shape, into the opening of the polo I was wearing, and one arm of the shades broke as our chests met. They were going to be part of my uninspired ensemble for the evening, too. I kept the arm, thinking I could maybe use it as a prop since the shades still sort of stayed on my face. You know, the I'm-broke-down-and-owning-it look.

I had to catch the subway to AdamFaceHunt's to pregame. Just as I stepped on the platform at the back of the train, the doors closed. Then I saw the conductor letting late arrivers on the other half of the train. I made a run for it and was about a second too late. Of course.

As I waited for the train, vodka inspiration finally hit me: I should rip up my free Stoli shirt! I used the broken glasses arm to start ripping strips off the shirt, and by the time I got to midtown, I had an asymmetrical cropped top and a bunch of drapey accessories. When I tried it on at AdamFaceHunt's, I was pleased with my creation.

Once we arrived at DR!P, Austin's list got me out of the cover (I hope I'll never be in a position where I have to ask to be on a list to avoid a $5 cover, but I certainly appreciate the gesture). Somehow, all I'd paid for was the OJ I'd brought to AdamFaceHunt's, which brought her fridge's carton total to 3, and I was already kinda wasted. Sweet!

Scotty Rox was nice enough to hold my bag after I changed, so I got to show my outfit off that much quicker. After a few laps and poolside lip syncs, I heard Shequida announce the contest: $100 for the most creative outfit. Chandilier immediately came by with a clip board, but I declined to enter. It's no easy feat saying 'no' to a 7-foot drag queen... in flats, but I really don't like entering contests at bars... unless I'm going to win.

Five minutes later, when Chandi was literally beating me with the clip board, I acquiesced and entered the damn contest.

I sized up the competition as we lined up, and I figured my biggest competition was from the guy with the fur-lined underwear with body paint and rhinestones and Ari Kiki, the drag queen with facial/chest hair and a glittery nipple pasty.

The first round got us from 7 contestants to 3: the not-so-drag queen, a really pretty girl (though she was so done up I really couldn't tell if she was a trans-woman or a biological one... not that it matters, really) and me. And the girl wasn't even really creative from what I could see. I got knocked out, and after both remaining contestants took their tops off, the drag-man won.

After I was eliminated, I ran into an Indian guy whom I'd met through Scotty Rox a few weeks before.

Him: "You want a drink?"
Me: "But of course."

image courtesy of Davide Laffe Imaging

Three drinks later, it was 2:30am, and we were stepping out of a cab and into Industry with the DR!P staff (I had a couple of near-missed with awkward moments from not quite recognizing boys without their DR!P makeup).

Drunk Girl: "You are sooooo sexy! Come dance on stage with me!"
Me: "What about dancing right he—"
DG: "On STAAAAAAAGE!"

She pulled me by the hand to the stage with half the DR!P crew in tow.

DG: "Take your clothes off!"
Me: "Hol' up..."

Before I could say anything, she was down to her bra and panties.

See, I have this thing about taking clothes off out of context (turns out I have a lot of things). Underwear party: cool. Pool party: in a heartbeat. Hell's Kitchen bar on stage: no thanks.

Before I could even react, Scotty, Shequida and some other boys had me by the limbs so I could barely move and were pulling off my boots. Then my shorts. I was basically strip-raped by the DR!P staff.

So I'm up there. In my undies. And not happy about it. But they started playing a song I like, so I danced with the girl for a minute or two before Scotty Rox tried to take my underwear off.

Me: "Absolutely not!"
Him: "Oh, come on, just show us your ass! You know it's beautiful."
Me: "YOU don't! And I plan to keep it that way."
Him: "Damn, why you gotta be such a prude! I'll show my ass!"

image courtesy of Makiko Kobayashi Photography

And the moral of this story: DJ Scotty Rox got a fat ass!

I gathered my clothes and mingled with the mostly-DR!P crowd. At this point, Shequida was yelling, "Excuse me? I'm a celebrity!" repeatedly.

Drunk Girl and Shequida wandered off to the side of the small crowd. I don't know what they were talking about, but Drunk Girl slapped Shequida.




skip to 2:40


Everything stopped as we watched Shequida's reaction: she gave a little laugh before she spoke.

Shequida: "And now you're gone. Goodbye! Security, please see her out."

The security guy had been hovering for a while, watching things escalate. I think the only reason he didn't escort her out immediately was because he wanted to see what was going to happen next just as much as we did.

Drunk girl: "How dare you say I'm racist against black people! That's impossible because my ex-husband's Eritrean!"
Random: "Well, click-clack, bitch."
Shequida: "Show her the door. See ya!"

With Security finally walking her out: "You're a disgrace; that's what you are! A fucking black disgrace! You're gonna say 'click-clack' to me?! That's the most ignorant thing I've heard! Fuck all you black and white bitches!"

image from asylum.com

It was well after closing time by that point, and when we walked out, Drunk Girl was still yelling down the street. Scotty and I split a cab uptown with his friend, and I was welcomed back to Washington Heights by the GW bridge bathing in full daylight. I think I spent a total of $10 that night.

Did I mention I had to be at work in 4 hours?! Yeah.

Click here to check out last month's DR!P.

Get invites to DR!P's parties via their Facebook Group.
To get notifications of Next Mag's events, sign up for their newsletter on their website.

TheBlackoutBlog 2011 NYC Pride Guide (Snaxx, Sea Tea cruises, Daniel Nardicio parties, girl parties and so much more)

Does anybody else feel like there’s a million and seven things going on the week of NYC Pride? Deciding exactly what to do can be a daunting task, especially when coordinating with friends. Well, hopefully, this list of events will help you navigate the happenings of the week.

Monday 6/20

‘Out’ Our Voices! A Benefit for the Ali Forney Center

7PM-10PM

Stonewall Inn – 53 Christopher St.

An exhibit of photography and coming-out stories. Models include Amanda Lepore, Michael Lucas and Lady Bunny.

Suggested Donation: $10

Thursday 6/24

Forbidden Pleasures Art Exhibit

6PM-3AM

The Center – 208 w 13^th St, room 410

“A night dedicated to the aesthetics of hedonism.”

Suggested Donation: $10 (benefits M*shp - Men's Sexual Health Project)

dot429 Pride New York

8PM-Midnight

Hotel Rivington – 107 Rivington St.

A gay professional networking rooftop party with an open Blue Angel vodka bar.

Tickets: $45 in advance, $50 at the door, $125 VIP dinner + Gilt City gift bag http://dot429.com/events/pride-new-york/

Friday, 6/24

Pride Fur (Furball)

7PM-1AM

The Center – 208 West 13th Street

“Pride Fur is the ultimate fur attack! Hot go-go bears, cheap beer, bear art, hangin’ with furry bears with all that warm, warm fur...and over 700 furry friends...Could you ask for anything more!”

Cover: $10

WORK! The Cruise

8PM-Midnight

Circle Cruise Lines – Pier 83 @ 42^nd St.

“A cruise around the Hudson River from 9pm-midnite with the pumping sounds of Mexican DJ sensation Alex Acosta and New York's own Eddie Martinez.”

Tickets: $45 in advance, $60 at the door http://www.wantickets.com/Events/ShowEvent.aspx?eventId=90797

Daniel Nardicio Presents Buck

10PM-4AM

Rock Bar - 185 Christopher St. (@ West Side Hwy)

“Buck is DN's Jr Underwear Party! 35 and under only. 6 all jockstrap-or-less Buck dancers. Mandatory underwear.”

Cover: $25, $15 under 28 or in a jock strap

Habibi – Pride 2011

11PM-4AM

Vlada Lounge, upper level - 331 w.51 St. b/t 8th & 9th Ave.

“Vodka fusions open bar at 11:30 until midnight • IZ spinning special gay pride dance mix • Male dancers •Bellydance performance”

Cover: $15 before midnight, $20 after

Blowoff NYC – Heritage of Pride Friday

Highline Ballroom – 431 West 16th Street

“Rock and electronic musicians Richard Morel and Bob Mould host and DJ BLOWOFF, featuring their signature mix of indie rock, electro and house.”

Tickets: $20 (advanced tickets strongly suggested) http://www.ticketweb.com/t3/sale/SaleEventDetail?dispatch=loadSelectionData&eventId=3463195

Saturday, 6/25

NYC Dyke March

Noon

Start: 42^nd St & 5^th Ave.

“It's the time to hit the streets! Make some noise. Be visible. Be heard. Demonstrate, agitate, liberate! Bring signs, banners, drums, giant puppets, flags, hula hoops, or just be there!”

Free.

Rafferty/Mazur Events’ VIP Pride Rooftop Party

2PM-8PM

Hudson Terrace - 621 W 46th St.

“Hot boys, Wet Underwear Contests, Pools, Squirt Guns, and more.... If you've been to Griffin Sundays or KINGs at Juliet, you know what to expect.”

Tickets: $30 in advance, pre-sale SOLD OUT, $50 at the door.

Rapture on the River: A Women’s Dance

3PM-11PM

Pier 54 – 13^th St @ West Side Hwy

“Afternoon festivities will feature a number of fantastic comedians as well as a Happy Hour from 3:00-4:00 featuring 2-for-1 drinks! In evening, we’ll switch into full party mode with an awesome DJ line up to keep your hips shakin’.”

Tickets: $25 in advance, $30 at the door, $75 VIP (includes open bar & admission to the Pier Pressure after-party) https://www.boxofficetickets.com/go/event?id=142465&webWrapNC=1

MBNY Bear Pride Cruise

5:30PM-10PM

Pier 40 – West Side Highway and Houston Street

“It is that time of year again! Come get your Bear Pride on as we cruise around NYC aboard the Star of Palm Beach with New York Metro's hottest and friendliest MEN! 1 hour OPEN BAR (Bear, Soda, Wine) AND Dinner Buffet included!”

Tickets: $38 http://www.metrobears.org/metrobears.org/events/info/Cruise-2011.asp

Pride Muscle Bear Sea Tea w/ DJ Corey Craig

6PM-10PM

Pier 40 – West Side Hwy @ Houston St.

“PRIDE 2011 GETS OFF..... TO A BEEFY START! 400 of the sexiest MUSCLE BEARS take over the QUEEN OF HEARTS for a summer cruise featuring an exclusive set from award winning DJ Corey Craig.”

Tickets: $25 in advance, $30 at the door (includes buffet dinner).

http://www.brownpapertickets.com/event/160217

I… Amanda Lepore Live

6PM-9:30PM

“The premiere of Amanda Lepore's long awaited opus I.. .Amanda Lepore. With special guests...KAT DE LUNA, CAZWELL, NEON HITCH, THE ONES, DELUKA.”

Tickets: $20 in advance, $25 at the door, $30 VIP seating http://www.ticketweb.com/t3/sale/SaleEventDetail?dispatch=loadSelectionData&eventId=3615085

NYC Pride: Bondi Beach

6PM-Midnight

Governor’s Island (ferry leaves from Pier 11, South St b/t Wall St & Gouveneur Lane)

“Crazy production that will take you Down Under • Australian Legend & musical icon Olivia Newton-John live • Massive light & sound installation • Gigantic video wall like you've never experienced”

Tickets: $80 til June 15, $99 General Admission, $200 VIP (open bar & preferred treatment) http://www.showclix.com/event/bondi

Celebrity Autobiography Gay Pride 2011 Edition

7:30PM

Gramercy Theatre – 127 e 23rd St.

“The cast for this special edition includes: Mario Cantone (Sex and the City), Rachel Dratch (Saturday Night Live), Sharon Gless (Queer As Folk, Cagney & Lacey, Burn Notice), Kristen Johnston (Third Rock From The Sun), Eugene Pack, Dayle Reyfel and Michael Urie (Ugly Betty).”

Tickets: $25, $32.50, $40, or $125 for VIP (includes a reception with the performers) https://www.ovationtix.com/trs/pe/9034205;jsessionid=7A464D9B6C5AFB4C7EAAD98BB01BD027

NYC's Official Pride Beach Dance Party *SIREN*

9PM-4AM

Water Taxi Beach at South Street Seaport – 89 South Street Pier 17 (Beer Garden)

“HENRIETTA HUDSON, SPICE NYC and SIR SABRINA present "SIREN". You will feel proud amongst an oasis of women from all over New York City and the world beyond!”

Tickets: $25 in advance, $30 at the door https://robot.boxofficetickets.com/800-494-TIXS/WebObjects/BOTx2005.woa/wa/inspectSubprogram?id=1036895&passKey=77a6d1db5d&webWrapNC=1

The Historic Return of Heaven (18+)
9PM-7AM
Heaven – 579 6th Ave (at 16th St)
"We're kicking off the return of this historic party space with an 18+ all-night dance party THIS Saturday! We're throwing a 2-hour $1 drinks special from 9-11PM. So get there early, and be WASTED by the time your dumb friends show up. DJ Steve Sidewalk spins all night!"
Cover: $20


Daniel Nardicio Presents a Night at the Playgirl Penthouse

10PM-3AM

30 Lexington Ave (b/t 23rd & 24th St), 5th Floor

“DN turns this supersexy new duplex venue into an opulent version of the Playgirl mansion. With totally naked shotboys, dancers and a clothing optional policy, this party will prove to be the sexiest event of Gay Pride Weekend.”

Tickets: $40 in advance, $50 at the door https://www.brownpapertickets.com/event/175144

WORK! Presents Pride 2011

10PM-10AM

Roseland Ballroom – 239 w 52nd St.

“"The Return Of the Superheroes" starring Superstar Deejays Offer Nissim & Peter Rauhofer. Opening Set by Eddie Martinez. Plus some not to be missed surprises....”

Tickets: $60 in advance, $100 at the door, $150 VIP (preferred treatment + 5 drink tickets) http://www.wantickets.com/Events/ShowEvent.aspx?eventId=85530

Sunday 6/26

The March

Noon

Start: 36^th St & 5^th Ave. Ends: Christopher St. & Greenwich St.

“To commemorate and celebrate the Stonewall Riots, our lives, and our community, the March Committee is planning an exciting event with colorful floats, music, and community groups. We look forward to seeing you there!”

Grand Marshalls: Dan Savage & Terry Miller (It Gets Better Project) and Rev. Pat Bumgardner (MCCNY Metropolitan Church)

Free.

PrideFest

11AM-7PM

Hudson St. b/t Abingdon Sq. and 14^th St.

“PrideFest is the annual LGBT street fair. PrideFest seeks to bring together local residents and families, community leaders, and area business owners to celebrate in the street.”

Free.

Dance on the Pier

2PM-10:30PM

Pier 54 – 13^th St @ West Side Hwy

“The Dance on the Pier was born out of a time when LGBT persons could not dance openly and proudly together. It is a protest set to music, a celebration set to the western skyline and a reminder of how far we've come.”

Tickets: $75 in advance, $125 at the door, $200VIP https://www.boxofficetickets.com/go/event?id=142435&webWrapNC=1

Gay Pride Cruise on the Queen of Hearts

6PM-10PM

Pier 40 – West Side Hwy @ Houston St.

Sea Tea hosts a Gay Pride cruise around the southern tip of Manhattan. Featuring DJ Robbie Leslie and Harmonica Sunbeam.

Tickets $30 in advance, $35 at the door http://gaypartycruise.com/schedule.php

Latin Pride Cruise on the Star of Palm Beach

6PM-10PM

Pier 40 – West Side Hwy @ Houston St.

Sea Tea and Club Atlantis host a Gay Pride cruise around the southern tip of Manhattan for Latin men and those who love them. Featuring DJ Israel, DJ Yayo, Laritza Dumont and Miss Club Atlantis.

Tickets: $30 at Club Atlantis (it always sells out!) 718-457-3939

(a little birdie told me there may be a few at this number: 212-675-2971 but you'll have to pick them up in person)

Heaven's GG20 After-Parade Pride Party (18+)
6PM-4AM
Heaven – 579 6th Ave (at 16th St)

“The party doesn't stop this Sunday when the parade ends, boys! BoiParty.com and the Resurrected CLUB HEAVEN have an all-night 18+ event... Print this invite to get in for $5, and get ready to say bye-bye to Pride in the HOTTEST, NEWEST gay dance club in NYC!”

Cover: $5 w/ invite (you can also show the FB invite on your phone).

The Official Pier Dance After Party

10PM-4AM

The Griffin – 50 Gansevoort St.

“This is a benefit for NYC Pride – a large portion of the bar will be donated by Rafferty/Mazur events to NYC Pride.” Featuring DJ Corey Craig.

Free.

SUPERSNAXX 8: the unofficial after-pier dance party for the people

10:30PM-4AM

Highline Ballroom – 431 West 16th Street

“SUPERfun • SUPERfriendly • SUPERfurry •SUPERfoxxy”

Tickets: $20 in advance, $25 at the door

http://www.ticketweb.com/t3/sale/SaleEventDetail?dispatch=loadSelectionData&eventId=3747355

Whatever you do, have a happy and safe Gay Pride! Wear sunscreen and hydrate!

Click here to check out my Top 11 Online Dating and Hookup Tips.

Click here to check out my Queerty post about the history of Gay Pride.

looked back with a mischievous grin and licked his finger (Daniel Nardicio's Home for Wayward Boys and more from Memorial Day '11 on Fire Island)

I felt so fucking cracked out when I woke up Saturday afternoon after Mr. Nardicio’s underwear party! My hands were shaking like crazy, so I started pigging out on the one thing that required no prep effort: fruit. It wasn't til I finally poured myself a vodka-Red Bull that I started to feel better.

Some of the younger guys in the house decided they wanted to get something to eat in Cherry Grove, which is where Daniel Nardicio had his Home for Wayward Boys: free Stoli, Undergear giveaways, a pool and hot boys every Saturday this summerd*! I left the architect's Beachside palace with Gimmic, an adorably droll, 30-ish Italian/Irish otter (who was convinced that his 29" waist made him fat), his slightly high-maintenance, blondish muscle-twunk (past tense of twink) friend and his well-built Asian friend. I gotta say: we looked damn sexy walking down the boardwalk.

After a water taxi over to the Grove, the muscle-twunk and I split off from the others, who were on their way to grab a bite. The two of us walked down to Daniel Nardicio's house. At the end of the rainbow Stoli carpet, we found a hopping pool party full of Nardicio's go-goes, models with temporary tats advertising Undergear apparel, and a bunch of random cute guys. It was pretty fucking great.

Me: "Check out the naked guy on the towel!"

Muscle-twunk: "Where?!"

Me: "Face-down. Far side of the pool."

Nardicio: "Welcome, guys! How are you liking the party?"

Me: "Excellent. Very cute crowd. We were just discussing the naked guy. Every time he laughs, his ass jiggles!"

Nardicio: "You like that, huh? Watch this!"

And with that, Nardicio walked to the far side of the pool, looked back with a mischievous grin and licked his finger...

After socializing over a couple of free drinks from a jock-strapped bartender, we met the rest of our group and headed over to the Ice Palace for the Dueling Divas drag show, featuring Logan Hardcore and Dallas DuBois.

image from Logan Hardcore's facebook profile.

Advice: go see this show. 3PM Saturday and Sunday.

We headed back to the Pines via the water taxi (it's $7 now!) to high tea. Most of the house was there, shirtless and insisting we follow suit. After a few trips between dance floors, we settled into Middle Tea in the Pavilion, and it was so packed we could barely move. As we were not-dancing, I noticed one of the older housemates (a sexy, 30-something, white advertising exec who was actually fun to be around) turning his focus on Gimmic's Asian friend. His charms didn't take long to work their magic because within minutes, they were making out hardcore. Meanwhile, a younger white guy, who had been hovering for a while, finally made his move on Gimmic. The slightly high-maintenance muscle-twunk and I shrugged at each other and started going at it, too. Okay, that didn't happen, but it was fun to say! But we did end up finding the other housemates and closing down the place with DJ Vito Fun's awesome music!

By the time we got back, the smell of jumbalaya one of the housemate had made was pouring out of the house.

Housemate: "I can't believe 19 people are coming to dinner! Did everyone bring a trick?!"

Our housemate's jumbalaya was amazing, and so was the conversation had over it.

L. Daddy: "Well, at least I had the decency not to bring my trick to dinner!"

Architect: "Oh, you must have taken care of business before dinner."

L. Daddy: "Yeah, he was a cute little 24-year-old Latino twink. I fucked him in someone's doorway."

Me: "Damn, you just couldn't make it up Fire Island Blvd, huh?"

Him: "Well, it's a long walk! You don't wanna lose a boy on the way!"

Me: "So you just spit on it and hope that nobody leaves tea early!"

Him: "He was a day-tripper. I had to make sure he made the last ferry! He kept calling me his Lebanese Daddy."

Architect: "And what a noble Lebanese Daddy you are... Thank you for not inviting him to dinner!"

Did I mention that after the food, wine and excitement of dinner, I almost broke my wine glass by nodding off into it at the table?

Yeah.

*email daniel@dworld.us to be included on the guest list for his Wayward Boys party.

This Memorial Day weekend was a lot better than last year's. Click here to check it out.

"the guy with the booty" (Kat de Luna @ Daniel Nardicio's underwear party @ the Ice Palace, Memorial Day Weekend '11)

For Memorial Day Weekend, promoter Daniel Nardicio was having Kat De Luna perform at his Cherry Grove underwear party. I was pretty obsessed with her first album, so there was absolutely no way I was missing this one. I'd considered playing ugly roulette (i.e., going out there and trying to hook up with a guy that could let me crash... oh, like you've never done that!), but the Architect came through with a place for me to stay at the last minute!

I got out there pretty early on Friday (his house is at the far end of civilization, but it's beachside), and it was just him and a housemate in the house so far. The Architect whipped up a quick lunch for us (with wine!) before he and I jumped on his John Deere Gator to pick up another housemate who had done a shit ton of grocery shopping. We met up with the Lebanese Daddy (as he's often called by the twinks he chases), and loaded up the supplies in the back of the Gator.

The Architect had to go to the liquor store to place an order, so L. Daddy and I waited by the gator. As we chatted a bartender/model/all around hottie I'd met through DR!P walked by.

Me: "So are you working out here again this summer?"

Hottie: "I just got fired from the pool bar!"

L. Daddy: "Fired?!"

Hottie: "Fired."

Me: "Already?! What the hell happened?"

Hottie: "I was late for a shift. I'd missed my train, and the manager fired me."

Me: "Did you not let him know?"

Hottie: "That's the thing. It wasn't even a no-show/no-call. I texted him to let him know, and he fired me. So I called the owner of Sip 'n Twirl, and he took me on. I'm training there now."

Me: "Well that's good!"

L. Daddy: "I can't believe they fired you for that!"

Me: "Yeah, they must have been looking to get rid of you over something like being late."

Hottie: "The GM never liked me. She was such a– oh hey!"

And within 30 seconds, he was called over to greet two separate groups of people. Because that's how it is in the Pines.

The Architect came back from the liquor store, and I called shotgun in the Gator, which was kinda mean because it forced L. Daddy to ride on the bed of the vehicle. Luckily, they've filled in most of the potholes on Fire Island Blvd, so we didn't lose him or the groceries speeding over a bump.

Fire Island meals tend to be on a more European schedule, mostly because the housemates that are assigned to cook often don't leave the High Tea parties in town early enough. So it's not unusual to just be sitting down to dinner at 11. I was a bit antsy because I was determined not to miss Kat De Luna perform in Cherry Grove. The Grove is only about a half mile through beachy woods from the Pines, but to get there from the Architect's house, one has to traverse about a mile of boardwalk into town and through to the far side. As much as I didn't want to be a rude guest (the Architect already knew how obsessed I was), I woofed down my food and left about 20 min into dinner. Luckily, KennyKennyKenny, who was staying in the house for the weekend, wanted to come too.

We high-tailed it through the Meat Rack, which I could do with my eyes closed after staying in the Grove last summer, and arrived at the back entrance to the Ice Palace right around midnight (but we had to enter through the front).

Me: "DANIEL!"

Daniel (in the middle of something): "Hey, babe!"

Me: "Has Kat performed yet?!"

Daniel: "You got time. She's on at 1. And I got you at the door."

Me: "Any chance you can comp my friend, too?"

Daniel: "Yeah, you're both good."

I try to use my powers for good. Sometimes.

KennyKennyKenny went to the bar, and that was the last I saw of him. I, on the other hand, found myself a spot by the stage. It wasn't packed, but it was full enough to be interesting.

Then this happened.

Right around 3:20, I got called on stage (as "the guy with the booty") with a few other people. Kat, whose butt-length weave was serving out-of-control fierceness, put on her song and gave us all a bit of spotlight time. After I'd danced for a few bars, she waved me off the go-go box, saying "Come come over here and dance with me!"

Now, here I was, a grown-ass man in quite skimpy underwear. I have a woman in a mostly fishnet outfit dancing pegao in front of me on stage. I thought about really giving a show and getting dirty, but I decided to keep it kosher go for the implied grind with just enough space to fake it.

After the show, I took a tour through the dark room to watch the boys play, and boy did they play. Little did I know I was about to put on a show of my own.

I had ventured out of the dark room and run into a friend of a friend who used to work in TV. Turns out he was part of Kat's entourage for the night (and I got a personal post-show intro). Turns out he also knew a very cute guy that was tight with a bunch of bartenders at the Ice Palace. We had an immediate connection, and he immediately started feeding me drinks.

I usually don't include details like this, but this story is that much of a trip. So, I usually wear underwear that allows me to tuck and roll so that if a situation like this happens, the whole party doesn't know just how aroused I am. But these particular underwear more or less just kind of pushed everything out. I really liked how they looked and felt, so I just went with them. Of course, as we're making out and hands are wandering, I have the expected reaction.

Him: "Want another drink?"

Me: "Of course!"

As soon as he walked away, the friend that had introduced us pointed down and said, "Nice." with a smirk. Then he slaps his two friends on the arm and points at me. This is when I realized that I was telling everyone more stats than my Manhunt profile. There were a good few seconds of panic and wondering how to hide it before I just grabbed it and pressing it to my hip. Braiding my hair with one hand and reciting F# major scales took care of said reaction after a couple of minutes.

So the guy comes back with a drink, and we start going at it again.

Him: "You're so sexy. You know I'm a top, right?"

Me: "Welcome to my fucking life! So am I. Whatever."

I was back to my engorged state by this point, and when we started kissing again, he grabbed my engorgement. He stopped, looked down, and (I kid you not) said the following:

"Damn! Okay, with that thing, you can definitely top me!"

Did I mention I love bringing out the versatility in guys? Yeah.

My birthday weekend is always the same as Brooklyn Pride. Click here to check out my party from last year.

Manicures aren't just for bottoms anymore (Pieces Underwear Party + Daniel Nardicio's Buck)

Click here to check out what happened earlier in the night at SoHo Crush's housewarming.

After seeing that the ex of all exes was now romantically involved, I left the housewarming party with Bottomless Pitt en route to Piece's underwear party. On the C, we sat across from a cute, young white guy of ambiguous sexuality in a leather jacket (either gay or hung out in the E.vil a good bit). I caught him laughing at Pitt and my exchanges a few times, but his finishing a Britney line that I'd started confirmed that he was on our team.

image from arkanamusic.wordpress.com

Me: "Hey, leather queen!"

Him: "Huh?"

Me: "I said, 'I like your jacket.' Where are you headed?"

Him: "Oh, thanks. I'm going to Quo."

Me: "Oh, Rockit, right?"

Him: "Yeah!"

Me: "But wait. Rockit isn't at Quo anymore. They moved. I want to say somewhere in Midtown, but who knows. I’d check the Facebook invite."

Him: "Oh, okay. Thanks."

Me: "Or you could come drink for free for stripping down to your underwear! They're having an underwear party at Pieces!"

Pitt (still slurring): "Oh my god! I can't wait."

Him: "Oh, cool. That sounds like fun."

Me: "Well, this is our stop. Here's my card. Add me on Facebook!"

Pitt and I snickered the whole way to Pieces, where we found quite a few guys already in their skivvies by 11:15. By the time I left, I'd downed another 2 drinks. A ton of people I knew had showed up, and it was a great time. But I absolutely had to check out Daniel Nardicio's Buck at Rock Bar before it got too late.

image from danielnardicio.com

As soon as I stripped back down, I ran into a fuck buddy that I hadn't talked to in quite a while. He introduced me to his two friends, and we chatted for a bit. While it was nice to see him, something about my mood made me indifferent towards a repeat hook-up.

I used a trip to the bathroom as an excuse to take a tour though the dark room, which was fully populated with just about every man-type imaginable. On the menu: circle jerks, ass-eating, blow jobs... even the occasional anal encounter. It was the usual playground that one encounters at Buck, and it was glorious!

In the main bar area, I settled back into a convo with the past hook-up (a programmer and astrologer... let's call him MS Cleo) and the one of his two friends that I was not as into. We all agreed that we wanted to take another gander at the dark-room happenings. After about 5 minutes of gawking, we saw the crowd suddenly part around a tall euro-looking blonde guy who was yelling. Then he rushed at another guy that I couldn't see over everyone’s head. Within seconds, it was a full-on fight! As curious as I was, I grabbed MS Cleo and made a break for the main bar. A minute later, security was cornering the blonde in the far corner by the ATM near us.

MS Cleo: "What the hell could have happened in a dark room that would spark such an intense fight?"

Me: "Well, the blonde dude is wearing a jock, so somebody probably spit on his finger and [gesture with slide-whistle sound]"

MS Cleo: "You might be right."

Me: "And I'd like to take this opportunity to stress the importance of trimming one's nails! Manicures aren't just for bottoms anymore. Nobody wants to feel that!"

image fourfour.typepad.com

After everything had calmed down a bit, I went to pee, and I ran into MS Cleo and the friend I was more into in the dark room. I may or may not have joined their huddle and may or may not have asked MS Cleo if he wanted to bring his friend to Washington Heights with us. But when I discovered that MS Cleo had just met the guy that night, I was glad we’d ended up ditching him.

Did I mention that I usually save my threesomes for couples? Yeah.

Click here to check out the first Pieces underwear party back in '09 (girl...).

the intimacy of a lover (SoHo Crush's housewarming)

Remember SoHo Crush: my longest relationship; the first guy I told that I loved; the ex of all exes who took me to the Inauguration and Vegas and Fire Island and then dumped me at Barrage? Well, he'd moved to Brooklyn and was hosting a party at his newly renovated brownstone. Of course I went; I didn’t want to look petty!

image from thebestastrologer.com

After work on a Friday, I met up with Bottomless Pitt, and we hopped on a train to Fort Greene. Neither of us was familiar with the area, and both of us were pretty impressed when we surfaced from the subway.

It just so happened that Tom Hanks was shooting a movie a couple of doors down, between the subway and SoHo Crush's place. We approached cautiously until a hot AD noticed us.

AD: "Hey, do you guys need to get through?"

Pitt: "Yeah, we're headed to-"

AD: "The party at 52? Come on. I'll take you through."

The AD led us to the steps, and when we rang the buzzer, I was surprised to be greeted by woman dressed in all black whom I didn't know. It took my middle-class mind a little time to wrap my head around the idea of hiring a catering staff for a housewarming party.

Woman: "I think everyone's pretty much downstairs. That's where the bar is."

Me: "Well, that's where we're going! Thanks!"

I ran into a couple of SoHo Crush's friends as soon as we walked in, but it wasn't long before I saw the host himself. He had a black blazer buttoned over a black tshirt, so I couldn't tell if he'd gotten fat. But we greeted warmly, and I managed not to stutter or do anything embarrassing. He led us up to his room to drop off our bags, and I just about shit my pants when my gaze fell on a fully functional, old school jukebox. In his fucking bedroom! It just happened to be next to the hanging carpet portrait of Michael Jackson and Lisa Marie from the Neverland Ranch. Forget the soundproofing-for-a-headboard theme from his old place! And did I mention that the coffee table downstairs was a lit scoreboard under a sheet of glass? Yeah.

SoHo Crush: "Now if you'll excuse me, I need a glass of wine. But I'm gonna get a real glass, not one of these little plastic cups!"

Bottomless Pitt and I went over to the bar, which was well, stocked with everything except for mixer for Pitt's vodka-tonic.

Me: "Yeah, SoHo Crush drinks soda with his vodka, not tonic. I'd always get it wrong when I was shopping for him."

I spent much of the party trying not to throw obvious shade to the (multitude of) attractive black guys at the party. Any one of them could be SoHo Crush's new squeeze... If he even had one.

While we were downstairs at the bar, I pointed out to Bottomless Pitt that the music was coming out of a Bose iPod docking station sitting on the floor. But I was impressed when we walked upstairs and heard the same song playing in the kitchen. A half hour later I had an even better laugh when we went back for another drink in the basement and heard the song from upstairs playing 2 minutes ahead.

Me: "I can't! He put the same playlist on 2 iPods and tried to manually synch them himself! He couldn't get SoHo Crash to start one for him?!"

For a while, I was pretty satisfied that I hadn't seen SoHo Crush’s new boy at the party: I really didn't see the intimacy of a lover in any of his interactions. Until this one black guy touched his elbow. I don't know what it was about the elbow brush, but it reeked of carnal knowledge. And it was emotional, too. A minute later when I saw SoHo Crush give him the casual all-too-familiar kiss on the cheek... I was far from losing it, but I wasn't totally okay.

Let me tell you: he wasn't the guy I'd've chosen out of a line-up. His looks were fairly unremarkable from what I could see. And that made it even worse: this guy had snagged SoHo Crush via personality and maintained a connection. Awesome.

As I said, I'd figured there was someone. I'd mentally prepared for that possibility, but actually seeing it was a whole different experience. So when Bottomless Pitt slurred that she was about to make her way to the train, I quickly made moves to join her.

Did I mention we were on our way to not 1, but 2 underwear parties? Yeah.

Boston Pride is coming up on Saturday! Click here to check out when my boys and I invaded the home of the Red Sox.

Album Review: Lady Gaga's Born This Way

Lady GaGa is like that super-talented girl at your school that everybody made fun of until she suddenly got cool. You never quite got her, but you probably liked her before she was über-cool. She’s come quite a long way from “Just Dance”. One might wonder when the hell she had time to record Born This Way, her second full-length commercial album (as much as we all loved The Fame Monster, 9 tracks does not an album make), since she’s seemed to be on tour for the past year and a half non-stop! In February, she dropped the title track as a single. It saw mixed reception (at best), but the gays danced to it because the GaGa-obsessed among us (who would call an auto-tuned iPhone recording of her taking a shit on bubble wrap a smash hit) wouldn’t stop requesting it. And it grew on us. A bit. But I couldn’t help but wonder if GaGa had lost her club-banger, dance-hit touch. Even “Judas”, the second single, wasn’t love at first listen. But for the sake of staying relevant among the gays (and hoping for another b-side I’d love like “Monster”), I gave it a listen.

“Marry the Night” goes right into the first verse with GaGa singing over slow vamping chords on an 80s synth before bringing foreboding buzzy, sustained synth chords. Instead of the standard pop song’s pre-chorus, we get a repetition of the last line of the verse before it explodes into an 80s synth-rock chorus. It’s 8 bars of climactic belting before a more subdued and repetitive 8 bars of “muh, muh, muh-marry.” The second verse comes in with simple, square percussion over the synths. It’s appropriate for the genre to which the song pays homage, but its execution feels a bit off (even bare). Or maybe it’s too fast for this type of instrumentation. The bridge breaks down to an electric guitar and a kick drum on every beat, bringing back the snare. It gets funky because it’s technically written in a G scale while the rest of the song is in C, but it never really feels settled in G, especially at the end (“turn the car on and run”) when the sharped F goes back to natural. It’s more of a C scale that just happens to borrow an F# and have an interesting starting point for the melody. The chorus comes back with very faint ad-libs in the second half, which is great for variation (and Lady GaGa is hardly known for her ad-lib skill). What’s remarkable is that she’s belting out an E5, which I don’t think we’ve heard from her before. And we get an oh-so-80s clap-with-the-snare a cappella reprise of the second half of the chorus. The song could easily end with 8 bars of a cappella, but they pull a Timbaland and takes the instrumentation to a new place with synths we haven’t heard yet. Then we get a new theme in the melody with GaGa’s slightly distored vocals repeatedly screaming out those E5s. If this were an 80s hit, it would end with the a cappella on the radio, but the album version would have added this end tag to the track.

As many times as I’ve heard “Born This Way” on the radio and in bars, I never noticed the low strings under GaGa’s spoken intro. They build tension without being creepy. The melody of the verse is a bit jarring, starting off low and tame and suddenly jumping an octave up in the second line. It’s more what you would expect to end a verse rather than a phrase within the verse. The second half of the verse makes artful use of background vocals, starting with a third above and a distorted octave below that third and eventually bringing in a complete triad for the end of the verse (it kills me that she doesn’t credit the background vocals… they sound like her, but it's hard to tell with the mix). The chorus is a cacophony of sound that’s near impossible to dissect. The backing vocals are so blended that they create more ambiance than harmony, but they integrate really cool chromatic lines. It feels like 17 different elements are pounding on the beat with just a cymbal on the offbeat and a warped-out synth playing light counterpoint. And remember how clever “Don’t be a drag; just be a queen” was the first time you heard it? The non-creepy strings from the intro come back to underscore the first half of GaGa’s not-quite rapping. She has this habit of writing with no regard for how syllables are stressed. E.g., “whe-THER your broke… outcast bul-LIED or teased.” I’m guessing it’s stylistic choice since she won’t stop doing it, but I can’t say I’m a fan. The bridge’s melody is doubled an octave below (though the octaves don’t always match pitch and breathing perfectly), and I always giggle a little bit when I hear how she stresses the word “beige”. GaGa ad-libs appropriately over a final chorus before the ending tag of “I was born this way, hey!” over another 80s-type clap-along a cappella. The question that I ask throughout this song: is she writing to be catchy or just being lazy? The chorus and the bridge have the exact same melody. And the ending tag doesn’t even have the right number of syllables for the melody. But it’s easy to sing along to. Oh, and props to Lady GaGa for the primary producer credit on a lead single (a recurring theme on the album)!

“Government Hooker” is an industrial track that starts out with GaGa’s operatic vocals over electronic, futuristic-sounding samples. I really like the verses with the call and response between GaGa’s lead vocals and the background vocals in octaves finishing her phrases. And the phrases between the “As long as I’m your hookah”s (labeled in the lyrics as “Gov.”) sound like a perverted 1984 cop giving orders. Brilliant, though I wish there was more variation in what he was saying. The hook’s descending line of “Hoo-oo-ka-a-ah!” with a sharped 4^th is damn near intoxicating, and I live for the slight portamento on the harmonized post-chorus (“drink my tears tonight”). The whole style of this song is different from anything I can remember from Gaga but not unexpected. The dry, matter-of-fact vocals sans vibrato or embellishment suit the mood of the track perfectly. And did she just evoke the name of one of the most revered US presidents in a song about a hooker?! Yes!

The link between “Judas” and “Bad Romance” is pretty undeniable. The intro of both songs are driven by sustained, airy synth chords. Both start with “oh”s followed by a phrase containing the name of the song. They both then go into a chanty/scatty section with significantly less instrumental support (a cappella for “Judas”) followed immediately with a hard-hitting instrumental. And songs have verses in a minor key and modulate to the relative major for the chorus (it’s kind of a formula for Gaga). Actually, one of the cool things about the second half of the chorus (“O-o-o-o-oh I’m in love with Judas..”) is that it totally plays with the relation between the two keys: the line starts on the tonic (home note) of the minor key, playing a pentatonic scale, but they chord progression is still the same as the rest of the chorus. It makes for a perfect transition back to the minor key. While the post-chorus “Judas” chant is my favorite part of the song (an obvious reference to “Bad Romance”’s “Rah rah ra-a-ah”), it’s also one of the most awkward. By the end of the 4 bars, you want some variation, but throwing in “GaGa” just doesn’t quite flow. The instrumental under this scat hits hard on the first 3 beats with bass synths and percussion, but the lack of snare on the 4^th beat creates an unexpected (and cool) pause in the momentum of the song. The verses hit hard, more like “Pokerface” or “Love Game" than the temporary minimalism of “Bad Romance”. The melody of the post-chorus “Judas” chant repeats in octaves in the synths under the monotone vocal melody. GaGa's singing during the verses and pre-chorus is quite throaty and affected whereas the chorus sounds more like her regular singing voice. The contrast is evident in the lyrics to, juxtaposing her overconfident assertion of “I’ll bring him down” with her more vulnerable admission of “I’m just a holy fool.” The airy instrumentation of the chorus is much lighter than the almost menacing verse. In fact, the chorus sounds almost like a really hard-hitting theme for an anime series (closing credits, not opening) or a song from Dance Dance Revolution. After an awkwardly-phrased rap (though I do love the distorted lower voice that doubles her speech), the track breaks down exactly as one would expect for a bridge. It then brings back the bass theme from the post-chorus chant for a bar and a half before an a cappella repetition of the bridge’s last line in a higher pitch. It’s the perfect preparation for the powerful last chorus cycle with GaGa’s ad-libs, having the same effect as the “So come on” from Britney’s “Inside Out” on Femme Fatale. And of course, she ends it on the catchiest part of the song (Rah, rah, ra-a-ah indeed).

The first thing I thought of when I heard the intro to “Americano” was “When You’re Good to Mama” from Chicago. Probably because both intros match almost exactly, chord for chord. The slow strings really work well to create melodrama under GaGa’s vocals, and the sustained sharped 7^th on “court” with the percussive buildup lets you know something big is coming. The instrumental suddenly becomes electronic, featuring an accordion sample, a kick drum on every beat, and a clap snare on every 8^th note. And some punctuation from the Spanish guitar for good measure. The harmonized “lalala”s almost sound like a party full of people singing along to an eastern-European Gypsy/folk storytelling song (the harmonies don’t really follow the chords in the instrumental, adding to this effect). The whole song makes me want to spin with my arms in the air, especially syncopated bassline and the wailing of “Aaaaaaaamericanooooooo!” And the horns in the latter half of the track are absolute heaven! Lyrically, Gaga’s going for gold with the gays again. The Spanish is a bit hokey, but if not for that, I think this would have made a good buzz single.

It seems like it’s been forever since I’ve heard RedOne’s signature horn. Welcome back, old friend. “Hair” starts out with GaGa’s reverbed vocals over slow keyboard chords. Then come the Pat Benatar “We Belong” drums and the “Chariots of Fire” piano. Out of nowhere the track shifts gears quite jarringly, adding a busy synth line and much more percussion in the pre-chorus. The chorus is jump-around-and-swing-your-hair fun, but it’s not quite dancey (more of a driving song). The synths and the “oh oh”s in the background fall right in line with the 80s theme. A warped-out sample of GaGa’s voice stutters through about 8 bars, serving as a bridge between the chorus and the next verse, a welcome change after the stagnation of a chorus that doesn't really go anywhere (the 2^nd verse actually starts 1:11 after the 1^st one ends). But the warped out guitar keeps going through the second verse. It’s in the relative minor, so technically, it works because it uses the same notes in its scale as the original key. But it just doesn’t fit. Reaching the pre-chorus' more sensible instrumentation is a relief. The lyrics present the teenage contradiction of wanting her parents to “love me for who I am” (despite her appearance) and admitting “I’ve got my bangs to hide that I don’t stand a chance” (because of her appearance). GaGa’s vocals on the bridge sound vulnerable (infantile, even), as she states what every teen (and many adults) wants: “lots of friends to invite me to their parties.” She piles on the passion at the end of the bridge with the aspiration on the repetitions of “hai-ai-air!” And we get more Benatar drums for a breakdown of the chorus.

“Scheiße” starts out with a chant in what sounds like German. I don’t speak a word of German, but I know enough about Googling to not put too much trust in anything on the message-board discussions that came up about it. Apparently, the words are:

Ich schleiban austa be clair es kumpent madre monstère, aus-be aus-can-be flaugen begun be üske but-baur.

A friend with a masters in German Lit (also an opera singer) had no idea what she was saying, so I wouldn’t be surprised if it really doesn’t make sense at all. A buzzy bass-synth comes in under the chant, and elements are slowly added until it turns into a trance-ish beat. The track pares back a bit for the verse, every other line of which is “Scheiße Scheiße be mine/Scheiße be mine” (see, it’s catchy). GaGa’s speaking over dark synths for 4 beats substitutes for a pre-chorus before we get back to the high-energy trance. I love the phrasing and arragement of the chorus: the 3-part single-tracked “I” in the background vocals; the more conventional syllabic placement; the slight variation in the lyrics between the lines. It just does it for me. The (not-)German chant is even catchier over the trance beat, too! After the second verse, the background vocals’ punctuation mixes it up nicely before diving back into the full-on synths of the chorus. The same vocal punctuation peppers the samples of GaGa’s “I don’t speak German…” for 8 bars before bringing back the chorus sans percussion (with a bit of a high note on the “strong”). The end of this song is executed perfectly as far as I’m concerned.

Cleverly plucked strings have always done it for me, so I couldn’t wait to hear how this “Bloody Mary” track unfolded. We get a bit of dreamy, slightly operatic vocals just before an extremely square and electronic instrumental comes in for the verse with buzzy synth that sounds like it’s mixed with a pitch-shifted vocorder. GaGa’s vocals are understated and relaxed in her lower register. The pre-chorus brings in some subtle synths as the catchy, repetitive lyrics come from GaGa (something about saying “dance” 3 times makes it really fun!). The chorus stays subdued, but the second half is punctuated with what sounds like notes from a chorus of demonic basses (the vocal part, not the fish). A post-chorus interlude of plucked strings builds up with synths at the very end when GaGa breaks the laid-back mood with a blood-curdling scream. The song takes a turn for the creepy, and this is when you realize there will be no mention of vodka, tomato juice or celery. In the second verse, GaGa’s vocals are distorted at the end of phrases in a way that makes her sound possessed. I was curious about the French phrase she speaks (as I was analyzing this at the office after everyone had gone home), and this is what Google told me:

And with that, I moved on to the next song.

“Black Jesus + Amen Fashion” starts out with ambient synth chords and GaGa’s echoy “Black” vocal samples. Then we get a hard-hitting line that’s not quite percussion and not quite a bass line. It seems like it’s going to go into a consistent theme, giving just enough to throw the listener off when it stops. This intermittent not-quite-bass-line gets more consistent in when GaGa starts her verse, sounding not unlike the hard pop-synth hit in Britney Spears’ “Oops!... I Did It Again”. The melody, which almost gets swallowed by this synth-hit line, is far more optimistic (and major) than the intro would lead one to believe. The track gets downright inspirational when the vamping strings come in on the pre-chorus. Then the key abruptly switches to the parallel minor (i.e., the keys start on the same note but use different notes as they go up the scale… flatted third, etc.). I really like the stressing of the second syllable of “amen!” The bridge which consists of the track breaking down and slowly building over 16 bars while GaGa repeats the same phrase, falls flat. But thankfully, the chorus I love comes back to save the song.

The intro to “Bad Kids” has an electric guitar riff and GaGa yelling rebellious phrases through a megaphone filter, a rock drum kit joining in towards the end. For the verse, the track is mostly an 80s galloping bass line with the electric guitar riff as a secondary feature. GaGa’s voice switches from her lower register to a more nasally mid range for the pre-chorus and chorus while the track adds piano and synths. I really like the syncopation of the high synths in the chorus, but the melody seems awkward and forced. The bridge breaks down to string synths and arpeggiated piano chords. It features a smooth melody with harmony in all the right places. The part that follows takes the melody of the chorus and adds new words over a track almost gets orchestral with vamping strings and timpani hits. And after a short break in the track, the chorus comes back. Something tells me there’s an extended section out there because the lyrics in the booklet contain an additional verse that’s much more personal (including a mention of a meat dress). It almost sounds like GaGa actually isn’t a bad kid, but she’s trying to convince others that she is (I mean, “give me your money/Or I’ll hold my breath” isn't exactly a menace to society). Or maybe she's not being literal. Is she talking about trying to fit in with the sexy pop divas that surround her? I’ve always found GaGa's sex appeal unconvincing in a conventional sense, no matter how skinny she gets and how much skin she shows in La Perla lingerie. On the other hand, I think that’s what inspires her creativity. Her lack of typical appeal is what made her adapt, making her among the most appealing.

“Fashion of His Love” begins with GaGa’s reverbed vocals over a simple synth's sustained note. As the verse progresses, more synths and bits of percussion come in. At the end of the verse, she gets a bit bluesy, strategically borrowing a flatted 3^rd and 7^th as the rest of the instrumental comes in for the totally 80s chorus. What makes this track so 80s? The pitch-shifted samples of GaGa’s vocals used percussively; the Sheila E percussion; the sporadic, yet larger-than-life synth hits. Everything about the vocals on this chorus hits me perfectly: the sustained notes in the background as the lead-in; the descending line on the end of each phrase; the repetition of the melody with the one-note difference; the syncopation of the second half… everything. After the second verse, we get the flatted 3^rd and 7^th notes, and we’re all ready for the chorus to come back. Then, much of the synth activity drops out, and GaGa pauses just long enough to make the listener go WTF before a new melody comes in. GaGa pulls a brilliant bait-and-switch with a second-verse-only pre-chorus! The bridge breaks down to sustained synth chords, adding bass and a bit of percussion halfway through. The next chorus drops the synths and emphasizes the 80s drum kit (with syncopation in the kick that reminds me more of late-80s hip hop than early 80s pop). At the end of this chorus, we lose a measure and get a drum fill. In 80s pop, this was the perfect way to prepare a key change (usually, you have a chord or two that lead into the new key so that it’s not so abrupt). I just wish the last chorus was her ad-libbing on lead vocals over the continuous background vocals rather than continuing with the same melody, which would have also been a hallmark of 80s pop (perhaps a bit more R&B... the only examples I can think of are from 1990: Whitney Houston's "All the Man I Need" and En Vogue's "Hold On"). Then again, I’ve never been too keen on GaGa's ad-libs.

From the first phrase, GaGa is serving us 80s power ballad in “Highway Unicorn (Road to Love)”. But this track can’t decide if it wants to be rock or electronica. After an intro-chorus of electric guitars and a drum fill that gives a hint of “Speechless”, it goes to very dark synths and simple percussion under GaGa’s distorted vocals. GaGa sings the verse and pre-chorus more in her lower register (it’s only a few notes), but the chorus sees her belting more and gets a bit brighter in the instrumentation. The end of the chorus breaks down to half time with all sorts of fills going on in the rock drum kit that amp up the drama. The stripping down of the synths and nixing the percussion for the first few bars of the second verse help the transition from the more acoustic and bright chorus back to the dark verse. On the second pre-chorus, the dramatic drum fills come back, making it much less repetitive. The bridge is simply GaGa’s belting, distorted voice with tons of delay over sustained synth chords that change every bar. After all the drama, we get an organ solo, then a buildup of drums, and then it hits a dominant chord (the chord that creates the most tension before going back to the home/tonic chord). And we sit there. And sit there. And then the song ends. GaGa, that’s cruel.

“Heavy Metal Lover” is a mid-tempo track of buzzing synths, and the first words are “I want your whiskey mouth all over my blonde south”. Easily my favorite line of the album. After a rhythmically spoken verse, GaGa serves up some breathy vocals in octaves for the second half of the verse and the chorus. There’s not much going on in this track, but the chord progression in the chorus really moves. It hits too hard to be ambient, but it doesn’t have the energy of a dance track.

Strings and an electric guitar usher in the beginning of “Electric Chapel”, bringing in piano arpeggios and following with high synth arpeggios. For the verse, the instrumental is vamping 8^th synth chords over simple, square percussion. GaGa’s vocals are understated, following each line with a “doo doo-doo doo doo doo-doo.” The melody gets higher and more intense for the 9th-12th bars (where she references the “holy fool” theme from “Judas”), but it quickly returns to the feel of the beginning of the verse. The pre-chorus’ instrumental drops the vamping synths for a pulsing bass and what sounds like a mix of church bells and choral chords. The chorus rolls along until about halfway through when the synths make way for an unexpected (and effectively dramatic) piano riff in octaves and triplets. And the post-chorus instrumental contains a tolling church bell under the electric guitar imitating the “doo doo”s from the verse. After an instrumental interlude, GaGa comes back with the pre-chorus, but gritty and with slurred diction, almost growling. It goes into distorted “meet me” echoes with church bells and an organ before ending on yet another tenuous dominant chord.

When I heard the synths and detuned church bells, I wasn’t sure what to expect from “The Queen”. The verse’s keyboard-piano syncopation and the kick drum lead into an energetic head-bopping track. The chorus is full of positive energy. A true feel-good song, even if GaGa’s vocals get a bit lost in all the synth build-up. The 2^nd verse drops the piano chords as the driving force (they become more punctuation) and adds a vamping bass. After the chorus, we get a really cool harmonized electric-guitar solo before the track slows down dramatically for a dramatic bridge with an almost 50s feel to the guitar accompaniment (you know, that quick arpeggiation that was usually followed with a “cha-cha-cha” feel) and a ridiculous delay applied to GaGa’s vocals. And the harmonized “oh”s make it feel even more 50s! We get a long guitar solo to take us to the fade-out.

At first, “Yoü and I” sounds at first like a sweet ballad with a piano (well, keyboard), simple percussion, and rhythmic punctuation from a low electric guitar. Then the “We Will Rock You” percussion comes in. The pre-chorus made me cock my head to the side and say, “This sounds suspiciously like…” And then I heard the background vocals of the chorus: “…a country song!” The background vocals sound like they’re straight out of a Shania Twain song I’ve only heard once (turns out John “Mutt” Lange, who co-produced the track with GaGa and contributed background vocals, also produced some Twain tracks in the late 90s and early 2000s). Those vocals are absolutely perfect, and none of them sounds like GaGa, so I’m very curious to see how they were treated/filtered to achieve the signature sound they have. The second verse adds strings and either a synth or a guitar strum that hints at a steel guitar. The harmonies on the lead vocals are expertly timed. After another chorus, we get GaGa ad-libbing a simple “You and I” back and forth with an electric guitar while the perfect background vocals “ah” through the chords. GaGa yells out a “Put your drinks up!” to give us the feel that we’re at a country bar with her. Then we get a classic country bridge over a kick drum and a guitar strum every bar. The chorus comes in nearly a cappella, and something about GaGa’s “6 whole years” makes it a magical and personal moment. We go into an even more dramatic “You and I” round before everything drops out but the piano and GaGa’s pulled-back vocals. She doesn’t pull of country in a very authentic way, but it’s a cool tribute.

After a WTF intro, “Edge of Glory” dives into an energetic verse with a catchy “tonight, yeah, baby” repeated throughout. Everything in the track moves quickly and makes the listener anticipate where the music is going next. Tension builds through the pre-chorus as the track builds. The melody goes up and comes back down with a pause. It goes up a bit higher then it comes back down with another short pause. Then it goes up, comes down, then goes right back up, prepping us for the climax of the Never Ending Story chorus. She does the exact same work-up-to-the-climax from the pre-chorus, and it works like a dream (I’m totally riding Falcor the Luck Dragon)! I’m usually an advocate for recording phrases in pieces to help with delivery, but I feel like there are many phrases in this track that GaGa should have recorded in a single take. The overlapping of the two takes (the end of each line and “tonight, yeah, baby”) interrupts the flow, and it wouldn’t sound rushed or crunched if it were all done in one breath. The transition out of the strings’ turn-around going into the saxophone solo is also an awkward cut. The saxaphone got a lot of flack from friends' postings on Facebook when this track was released. I love the idea of it, and it’s generically appropriate. But just doesn’t have the intended effect over the synths. Luckily, we get back to the huge the chorus to take us out. This was a win for closing out the album on a high note for me until the winding down of the instrumental at the end. Why not end with an a cappella “I’m on the edge with you!” and echo that out? Too predictable?

The Bonus Tracks

“Born This Way (The Country Road Version)” gives us an acoustic version of the lead single. I remember hearing GaGa sing this as a ballad at the VMAs last year, so I was shocked to hear the original was so fast when it came out. I'm convinced the song really is a ballad, and this country version does it much more justice, though it could stand to be slower. And I love that we actually get to hear all the brilliant harmonies. Just like she did the slow “Poker Face” in concert, I hope she does this version on her tour. This version feels live. And we even get a re-write on the bridge.

Basically, “Judas (DJ White Shadow Remix)” is an artistic expression that samples GaGa’s vocals, but you never hear the actual song. Creative, but eh… I liked it better when Junkie XL did it with “Gimme More” by Britney Spears. I’d say it’s the type of thing I’d listen to only once.

“Marry the Night (Zedd Remix)” starts out with a jazzy 7^th piano chord that made me cock an eyebrow. Eventually, the common-time percussion and trance synths one would expect on a remix come in. And Zedd definitely delays the satisfaction of reaching the chorus. After a huge buildup of the last line of the verse, it goes into a totally instrumental interlude for about a minute. It uses very few sustained synths and relies on staccato buzzing synths in syncopated chords, making it actually quite danceable.

“Scheiße (DJ White Shadow Mugler)” takes the pop out of the song. If you’re into hardcore house/trance, this is your shit. It almost totally eliminates the chorus (my fav part) and focuses much more on the (non-)German phrases. It doesn’t stray too far from the original instrumental, and it seems like this is an expression of what the original song hints at wanting to be.

“Fashion of His Love (Fernando Garibay Remix)” version is cute, but the vocal is so married to the original track that this just doesn’t hit the spot. Luckily, this version sticks somewhat close to the instrumental from which it derived.

As happens with many artists, GaGa got more control as she achieved more success. This is reflected in her receiving primary writing and production credits on every track. Every. Single. Track. Few artists with her timeline could have ever made this claim (and with over a million copies sold in the first week, it's definitely working out for her). I’m sure music-industry vet Fernando Garibay and groundbreaking producer RedOne had heavily influential guiding hands, but according to the credits, this really was her baby.

I have to admit, I was a bit disappointed by how few club bangers were on this album. After all the radio-ready, catchy tracks on her first two commercially successful projects, I definitely expected at least a few strong endorsements on this one. However, I’ve had discussions with friends about how I’m convinced she really doesn’t like making dance-focused music, but she does it because that’s what sells. And with the sustained success she’s had, I figured she would gain more control of her music and move more towards the artsy, expressive music that is her preference (see: “Poker Face” live). This doesn’t mean the album isn’t entertaining because GaGa gets adventurous! Like The Fame, I don’t like every track, but a year from now, it will be one of those albums that I can rely on to push play and be sufficiently entertained the whole way through.

PS, some gay somewhere had to pay her $50 because he lost this bet: “Bet you can’t work ‘unicorn’, ‘hooker’ and ‘queen’ into your track listing!”

Suggested tracks for individual download:

Judas

Scheiße

Fashion of His Love

Yoü and I

Born This Way (Country Road Version)

Maybe:

Government Hooker

Americano

Black Jesus + Amen Fashion

Edge of Glory

Click here to read my review of Britney Spears' Femme Fatale.

Click here to read my review of Lady Gaga's The Fame.

Click here to read my review of Lady Gaga's The Fame Monster.

All images of Lady GaGa taken from the Born This Way album art.