in a friend's bedroom with no one watching (New York Fucking City and Bottomless Pitt's and my crossfiring... again)

My birthday was the same week as promoter Brian Rafferty's, so I finally got my ass out ofthe apartment on Saturday night to check out his first New York Fucking City party at Good Units (in the basement of the Hudson Hotel).

Let me tell you: this party was sceney as hell! All of the expected nightlife personalities were present and accounted for. And the music was so good, it kept distracting me from the drinks I had lined up on the table from the open bar (I ended up giving one away).

The guy with the "Jew-boy ass" from the Atlantis cruise was in town, so he met up with me at the party. On the dance floor, we watched the muscley go-goes go.

Me: "Damn, look at his body!"

JBA: "Yeah, if you're into that sort of thing. He really can't dance."

Me: "Well, at least he can hear the beat. My favorites are the guys who dance really hard, but you truly wonder if you're listening to the same song as they are. There's this dancer at G Lounge..."

I went to go tip the guy (no body else really was) and gave him my usual go-go ass slap. He nodded an indifferent thank-you and went back to rhythmically posing.

Me: "Well, she could stand to be more friendly. I guess go-goes get chattier as the night goes on."

Blonde (I'd noticed walking in): "Hey, what do you think of that guy?"

Me: "The one right here? He's hot. I like his body."

Blonde: "Ha! That's my boyfriend."

Me: "Well, lucky you!"

Blonde: "Yeah, guys love him when he dances, though. It's a trip to watch."

Me: "Well, as hot as he looks, I have to say, you're the one I remember seeing walk in with the entourage. A bunch of short, built guys... and the blonde girl."

You may ask, Why fly in a straight, Canadian go-go for a gay party? Simple: there's an obvious shortage of good-looking gay guys with nice bodies in the tri-state area.

As much fun as I was having, I had to make an early exit to avoid passing out on the dance floor. The previous night’s celebrations were catching up fast.

On Sunday afternoon, Españard was having a housewarming for his new apartment. Normally, I'd bring liquor to such an event, but Españard had specifically called out wine in the Facebook invite. It was the perfect opportunity to crack an absolutely divine orange-flavored red I'd picked up at a tasting (what… I have my classy days!).

There was a slight sitch with attending this party. See, a few weeks ago, I ended a night at an open bar event at Posh making out with a cute scruffy white guy in the corner for much longer than I'm comfortable making out in a bar (i.e., at all). He added me on Facebook, and a week later, he told me he'd started "seeing" Bottomless Pitt. This isn't the first time Bottomless Pitt and I have crossed boys. It wasn't too tragic for me, though. I knew it wouldn't work out between him and me when he (a psychoanalyst whom we'll call PsychoAnn) asked me: "Why are you single? I feel like most guys our age who aren't in relationships are kinda... flawed?" My second sign was that he wouldn't come home with me on the night we met after all that public making out. I guess that was one of his rules or something (because it couldn’t possibly have to do with his attraction to me). And y’all know I don't do well with rules for the sake of rules.

See, I don't do awkward well. As soon as PsychoAnn said she had been seeing Bottomless Pitt, I told Pitt the deal. And it was all good: no awkward elephant in the room; no suspicious, askance looks. I wanted to make sure we’d all be able to a great time together because, unlike Pitt's last 6-months prison sentence in rural Brooklyn boy situation, PsychoAnn likes to go out!

Over the next month, I saw evidence of PsychoAnn's nightlife proclivities via several pictures of Bottomless Pitt and him as they popped up on my Facebook newsfeed. I have to admit: I was jealous. Not because Bottomless Pitt got some guy who wasn’t that into me. I was jealous that PsychoAnn was seeing more of my friend than I was!

So anyway, the 3 of us had all RSVPed to Epsañard’s housewarming. We finished off bottle after bottle of wine... prosecco...vodka... I may or may not have pounced on a short, cute off-the-boat Italian guy (I'm a hell of a lot more comfortable with a make-out session in a friend's bedroom with no one watching than in a crowded bar... hypothetically speaking, of course). We ended up staying quite late. Luckily, PsychoAnn had peaced out long before: Bottomless Pitt and I had business to take care of.

image from barhappy.com

So, it turns out Posh gives you 5 free drinks on your birthday! After the day-long drink fest, I was determined to cash in on this deal, and Pitt was a good enough drunk friend to accompany me.

I ended up giving most of my drinks to Bottomless Pitt, especially after running into an old flame, who insisted on buying me a drink despite his knowledge of the birthday deal. I feel like someone else bought me a random drink... after Pitt had bought me 3!

Did I mention that I barely made it off my couch the next day? Yeah.

I'm headed to a family reunion this weekend in Detroit (pray for me!). Click here to check out my mom's family's last reunion in South Carolina.


Click here for more info about Rafferty-Mazur parties. 

you guys gonna strip down? (Happy Birthday to me!)

My birthday celebration involved fried food and boobs on display. The only thing that would have made it better: fried boobs.

I really didn't feel like planning a house party this year, so I got a few of my boys to meet me at Hooters for dinner (orange is my favorite color!). Hippy Cuz happened to be in the City, so I had her meet me at my place before. Within seconds of her arrival, we both had screwdrivers in our hands, cackling through our convo.

Hippy Cuz: "Have you seen Nana recently?"

Me: "Not since Mom was up. Why?"

HC: "She's gotten a lot more, um, sexually explicit recently."

Me: "Really?"

HC: "Yeah, I was at the house yesterday, and she said, 'Hippy, don't do for no man what he won't do for you.'"

Me: "Stop!"

HC: "She says this stuff all the time to me!"

Me: "Well, I guess she's figured out that you're having 'the sexes'."

HC: "That's almost as bad as when Aunt Bea [the preacher's wife] told me, 'Hippy, you need to marry a man from South Carolina. They eat their greens!'"

Me: "Oh my god! I remember hearing her say that when I was younger! Damaged for life!"

HC: "And then there's Nana's anal sex story."

Me: "Stop it!"

HC: "I tried to tell you last year, but you made me stop."

Me: "Understandably so! But now I'm too curious. Fuck, I'm going to regret this... Okay, go!"

HC: "Nana said, 'They need to let those boys go ahead and be in the military: men been wantin' anal sex since the beginning of time!"

Me: "I can't. I just... I really can't."

HC: "Yeah, I was told to report back on if you had a 'beau' or not. I was like, 'Maybe we should let him make that known when he's ready.' Oh, and here!"

Hippy Cuz produced an already-opened mini-bottle of sweet tea vodka from her purse. I laughed and took a small swig.

image from crazyfunnypictures.blogspot.com

Hippy: "No, go for it. I had the other half on the train."

Me: "Our family sure can produce some alcoholics."

After a giggly subway ride, Hippy Cuz and I met up with a few of the boys at midtown's finest establishment. It's actually a pretty amazing feat what those girls squeeze into their uniforms. I'd never seen so many boobs defy gravity before!

Hippy Cuz: "Now, do they HAVE to wear the tights?"

Me: "Yes! It's part of the uniform, just like the white socks and sneakers! And pulling the shorts up to their bust line."

Hippy: "I wonder if they shave or if they use hair nets..."

Shrimp Un-shelled shrimp may not have been the smartest choice (especially on a night when I was headed out), but I stole some wings from my friends (amazing!) and downed a couple of really huge, really weak mojitos.

Me: "There really isn't much alcohol in this glass."

MicHELLe: "I know, right. We might need to have a lil sit-down with our waitress Miss Maria and be like, 'Look...'"

Me: "'...we're not virgins, and nobody's driving. I'ma need these to be way more harsh, Ty.'"

image from Tighty Whitey's facebook profile

After we settled the bill, which was a mess I was glad not to have to deal with, the HK gays all peeled off, and the fun gays rest of us went to a cute back yard party in the East Village. I was freaking out because it was too late to go to a liquor store, and I didn't want us walking in as an empty-handed group. I'd forgotten that people actually drink beer, but I opted for orange juice instead.

Two or three screwdrivers later, those of us who were still standing grabbed a cab over to Pieces. And picking up a cab on 3rd Ave at 1:45am is no small feat!

Bartender: "Hey, you guys gonna strip down? You know you drink for free in your underwear, right?"

Bottomless Pitt: "Why bother,it ends in 15 minutes!"

Bartender: "What do you mean?"

Pitt: "Doesn't that specialonly go til 2?"

Bartender: "Oh, I didn't know. I was just pouring..."

Me (to Pitt): "Dumbass."

When I turned around and saw HippyCuz start to unzip her dress, I couldn't deal and had to move further into the bar.

After a bit of mingling (okay, fine, we stayed til close), we stumbled around the corner to Waverly for diner food. Did I mention that passing out at 6am with all the lights (and my shoes) on was NOT how I planned to start my birthday weekend? Yeah.

Click here to check out my Beyoncé-themed birthday.

“Betty White’s dead?!” (My weekend in Asbury Park)

So I spent the weekend down in Asbury Parkthanks to the organizers of Sandblast and wrote a post for them about the party. But here’s thestory of what actually happened while I was down there.

AdamFaceHunt and I took the traindown, and it wasn’t long before SEPTA (a friend I’d met through AdamFaceHunt)arrived on a bus from Philly. We all changed and hit the beach, which was crawling with hot guys (even the straight ones). After a few hours in the sun, we wandereddown the boardwalk to the Empress Hotel’s pool for music, boy watching, anddrinks. This is the usual post-beach spot in Asbury, almost like their versionof Low Tea on Fire Island.

glove tans are all the rage in Milan this summer

AdamFaceHunt and I had spent mostof our train ride down to Asbury picking out riders we thought were headed toour same destination. AdamFaceHunt was eyeing one particular tank-topped hottieon the train, and when she saw him at the Empress’ pool, she went in for thekill. Turns out the tank-topped hottie had a whole clique of cute friends withhim. I didn’t see any of this going down, but when AdamFaceHunt strutted backto our poolside seats, she was bragging that she’d given one of the guys herphone number to make plans for later.

Me: “Did someone say party in ourroom?!”

After a pit stop back at the room to showerand change, we agreed that we definitely needed have these boysover, but we definitely needed to buy alcohol. Unfortunately, we declined tostop at the liquor store across the street from the train station when wearrived. The closest we could find, named Super Extra LiquorStore, is just past Main St., about a 10-minute walk from the beach, but theyhave reasonable prices. Bonus: it’s attached to a grocery store (mixers!). Wepicked up our hooch and headed to Tabú, the restaurant in Empress Hotel, fordinner. The prices were quite reasonable, and they gave us wristbands forParadise, the Empress Hotel’s club. Usually, there’s a $10 cover, but if you’realready there at the beginning of the night, you don’t have to pay!

After dinner, we headed back tothe hotel to meet the guys AdamFaceHunt had given his number to (and their girlfriend). It turns out most of them lived in the City! After a few drinks wefixed a roadie for the walk back to Paradise.

Paradise was a great time. Westarted on the main dance floor (where I randomly ran into fellow blogger Alex Chen, who wasthere with a group of 50+ Asians and rice queens for the weekend) and migratedout to the pool deck.

Random Girl: “WHERE did you get that shirt?!”

Me: “Oh, it’s Lacoste.”

Girl: “Okay, but where did you buyit? ”

Me: “Well, there’s a store inSoHo—”

Girl: “Oh, fancy fancy! I'm fromJersey, so we don't know about such things!"

Me (laughing): "This is a brand thatthey sell at department stores! I mean, they don't sell them like this: I cut it myself, but yeah."

same shirt, different day

Girl: "Oh! See, I knew it!They don't sell them like that! But youlook good, tho!"

Me: "Thank you!"

Girl: "I really don't thinkyou realize how good you look."

SEPTA: "Oh, she's well awareof how good she looks!"

Me: "Excuse me! I’m trying tolet her compliment marinate. It's not like I hear that every day!"

On the other side of the pool, I ran into the hilarious @cetroniohs, who had given me the low-down on the djs via Twitter before Iarrived. He and his friend were donning black veils with pills and syringesattached in honor of Betty Ford’s passing.

Random: “Betty White’s dead?!”

Me: “Wow… I’ma let you handle thatone, hun.”

As we were chatting, a shot boyoffered us a "chocolate vodka" shot. As he was telling us what was init, I noticed the random girl from earlier (who'd asked about my shirt) on the other side of him drop $2 onhis plate. When she picked up a shot, she didn't 'take it to the head' as Iexpected. Instead, she handed it to me!

The shot was absolutely delicious, and I immediately got one for SEPTA (AdamFaceHunt had disappeared with the one remaining boy from our pre-party)! They're a must-have if you find yourself at Paradise this summer.

The boys we had pre-gamed with droppedoff pretty rapidly thoughout the night (half didn’t even make it to Paradise),so there was no chance of an after-party. Which sucked because over half thealcohol we’d bought was still in our room. But SEPTA and I, being the craftysouls that we are, made a significant dent in the leftovers the next day at thebeach.

We left the beach around 4:45 togo pick up our bags from the front desk, planning to catch a shuttle bus to thetrain. The front desk told us that the shuttle runs every 20 minutes and gaveus a copy of the schedule. At 5, we went out front to wait on the 5:10, whichwould give us plenty of time to catch the 5:45 train (and SEPTA's 5:45 bus). At5:20, the shuttle still hadn't come yet.

SEPTA: "Wait, I think thetimes on this schedule might be when the shuttle leaves the trainstation."

AdamFaceHunt: "I think you'reright.”

Me: "Guys, if we leave now,we can make it to the train by foot. Maybe if the shuttle passes we can flag itdown."

The shuttle passed us going the opposite way right aroundthe time we got to the Empress, but we let it go and kept on trucking. It was about5:20 when we left the Berkeley, and we arrived just in time for our 5:45 train.Did I mention that SEPTA missed her bus? Yeah.

PS, I will be at Sandblast thisweekend, Friday-Sunday. So say hi. But I may be wasted the whole time, so don’tbe offended if I forget your name!

Click here to check out my (pre-)post on Sandblast '11.

Click here to check out my post on Sandblast '10, entitled "the biggest cock I've ever seen!"

Click here to check out Alex Chen's blog.

10 Reasons You Should Go to Asbury Park's Sandblast Weekend '11 (and stay at the Berkeley Beachside Hotel)

This past weekend, I had the chance to spend the weekend in Asbury Park, NJ, thanks to Asbury Park Events and the producers of Sandblast (their annual gay beach party). For those of you not familiar, Asbury Park is a gay-friendly beach town on the Jersey Shore. On the 3rd weekend in July, thousands of guys come to Asbury from NYC, Philadelphia and other areas for the weekend to party it up for a few days and enjoy the beach.

Here are 10 reason why you should, too (in no particular order).

10) It's accessable!

Asbury Park is a 2-hour train ride on the NJ Transit from NYC. There's also a bus from Philly. According to locals, parking is quite manageable. There’s a shuttle that will take you from the train station to the boardwalk and the Berkeley for a dollar. My friends and I didn't know about it til we walked to the hotel. On our way home, we found the printed schedule the hotel gave us a bit confusing, so we opted to walk, which took us about 25 minutes at a fast pace.

9) The Boardwalk!

You see families on the beach and boardwalk, but you see gays holding hands, too. I saw gay flags on just about all the storefronts. For Sunday's pre-beach brunch, we hit the Langosta Lounge on the boardwalk. My breakfast burrito was good, but my friends both got the fruity French toast which was the culinary win for the weekend.

8) The Beach!

Once our Philly friend arrived, and we hit the sand. The Berkeley is actually on the far side of the Paramount Theater/Beach Bar from the gay part of the beach, but the door-to-shore distance is only about 200 yards.

Note: admission to the beach is $6.

7) The BOYS!

Even on this random weekend, the beach was full of hot guys of all types: Jersey juice-heads; bear daddies from the City; local twinks and everything in between. And many of the straight guys holding hands with their girlfriends on the boardwalk looked good with their shirts off, too, their gold chains glittering in the sun. Don’t get me wrong: not everyone was an incarnation of a gay stereotype (plenty of guys sported tan killers board shorts). But this town definitely attracts a healthy variety of guys.

6) The Berkeley Hotel's Rooms

Asbury Park Events hooked me and a couple of friends up with a room at the Berkeley Beachfront Hotel, the host hotel of Sandblast.

image from bringfido.com.

We had 2 queen-sized beds plus a pull-out couch. The room was surprisingly big (ours was an L-shape, so it was larger than the picture above), and the décor was an impressive contrast to the somewhat austere façade of the building. Plus, our room had an iPod dock (with universal auxiliary input for you Android queens).

5) The Berkeley's Bathrooms

Our bathroom was a marble paradise with great lighting for Grindr photos!

Oo, we should try that again...

4) The Berkeley Hotel Pool!

It's big and sunny with plenty of poolside seating. Plus, there are cabanas where you can enjoy your drinks from the outdoor bar! AND, it's where JustCircuit's pick for Best Pool Party '10 (Sunday's Riptide Pool Party) takes place.

To make awesome party: insert 800 men and 2 notorious DJs.

3) The Parties!

Okay, so Sandblast's most renowned party is Saturday's beach party, which is awesome. A dance floor in the sun, waves crashing only yards away, the renowned DJ talent (this year: Joe Gauthreaux and David Marx). They're mixing things up by moving to the Aqua Bar, on the beach just in front of the Berkeley! And did you know this party's won the title of "Best Beach Party" from the JustCircuit awards for 2 years and counting (and you don't even have to get on a ferry to get there)! But what about Friday's "Lost at Sea" Oceanside Kickoff Party (featuring NYC dance floor favorite Corey Craig and Snaxx DJs Rich King & Gustavo... only a $10 cover!) and the "Shipwrecked" Afterparty (featuring DJ Max Rodriguez). And Sunday's "Riptide" Pool Party at the aforementioned Berkeley Hotel Pool (with another NYC DJ darling Steve Sidewalk and LA's Roland Belmares... 2 free passes for each Berkeley room reservation!) plus the Sand Blast Tea Dance w/ NYC's DJ Vito Fun (only $5 to get in!). Did I mention that most of these parties are 18+! And lesbians: they've got you covered with the Siren of the Sea pool party, Peek-a-Boo Reveu, and other female-focused events.

Take a look at this video and try to tell me you don't want to do all these parties! Okrrr!

2) The Culture

Need a break from the shirtless boys and the common-time beats? There's a full schedule of performances (including Xanadu! the Musical [seriously]), yoga, bowling (2 nights!), swan boat rides... even a free art crawl. And don't forget the free volleyball clinic and tournament!

1) I'll be there!

Obvi, the most important reason. Sandblast is too much fun for me not to go, and I can't wait to get back! This will be my first time staying for the entirety of Sandblast weekend. So if you see me out, say heeeeeyyyyyyyyyyy!

I have to say: I always have a good time in Asbury. Every place we went had a relaxed atmosphere. The Berkeley is a fabulous hotel, so when it gets taken over by a whole heap of gay men...

Sorry, I couldn't finish my sentence. I just kept thinking, Gay Cruise without the waves...

Did I mention the Berkeley still has rooms for Sandblast weekend? Yeah.

Special thanks to Brad Hurtado, executive producer of Sandblast, for setting up lodging for the weekend.

Click here for the official Sandblast website and here for a full listing of events.

Click here for the Berkeley Beachside Hotel's website.

Click here to check out my first time in Asbury Park... RIP, Platinum Toes!

Stay tuned for my post on what happened during our weekend in Asbury Park.

alone with Justin Timberlake (Bad Teacher NYC premiere)

I had gotten back from an intense weekend of early busses to and from Boston for a wedding, and from the bus, I went directly to my office to change for Folsom Street East. hOtter kept me out way too late, making it my 3rd night in a row with 5 hours or less of sleep.

But somehow, I still manage to meet up with my friend HulaHoop, 2 of his friends and a euro 'straight' guy who just happened to be wearing the tightest pants in the group.

After choking down 2 happy-hour drinks, we arrived at Ziegfeld Theater and waited in line for about an hour and 15. I was not prepared to wait in line, but apparently "red carpet" didn't mean we'd actually be on it. HulaHoop had VIP credentials to get in, but he wasn't trying to pull strings for 5 people to join! So after the long-as-hell wait, the girls in front of us were the last to be admitted. HulaHoop was outraged, but he kept his cool and told us to wait while he saw what he could do.

10 minutes later, we were ushered into the front entrance with assigned seats and comps to the after-party. The other boys grabbed complimentary popcorn and Diet Coke.

The movie itself was really cute. Damn funny, even! And the comparison between Cameron Diaz and Michelle Pfeiffer in Dangerous Minds might have changed my life.

After the screening, they had a couple of chartered busses to take people down to the Bowery Hotel for the after-party. As we waited for the others to make their way out of the theater (we'd been herded out the back door), HulaHoop wandered off to the front entrance, returning quite frustrated about 5 minutes later.

image from zimbo.com

"There was a security bubble, and I was standing in this one area pretty much alone with Justin Timberlake. I was trying to pull up the camera in my iPhone to take a picture, but it gave me this resetting status bar! It was so awkward! He was looking at me like, 'Oh, so you're too cool for a picture with me?'"

We piled on a bus (standing) that dropped us off at one of the nicest venues I've been to in NYC. The kind of place where the well is $12 Absolut.

I confirmed that it was open bar while HulaHoop got us food from the surprisingly heavy buffet. And every time the roving servers came by with a plate of bacon-wrapped prosciutto-wrapped asparagus, I was all over it!

After a few drinks, the other guys started playing pool. I took this opportunity to wander around. They had a photo-booth setup where you could re-create the movie poster, and they'd gotten VHSs of the movies Cameron Diaz's character had shown the kids (instead of teaching), placing them around the different bars!

HulaHoop: "Did you see Cameron?"
Me: "No, I didn't even think she was here. But Justin's on the other side of those French doors, notice how there are no women in the booth, Kirstie Alley's wearing some FIERCE heels, and I saw some tall, shaggy white dude I recognize. Maybe Joaquin Phoenix?"
HulaHoop: "Er, someone said John Meyer's here."
Me: "Oh, that's who it was! John Meyer! Not that it matters if I got his name wrong. We all know how he feels about black girls like me."

image from tojohnmeyerwithlove.com

On our way out, we ran into a paparazzo in pajama pants named Rose with whom the PR gay HulaHoop had invited was well acquainted. The PR gay wanted her to take a photo of us, but she was waiting for John Meyer to come out (girl, me too!). And of course Miss Meyer was just inside the door waiting for her entourage/security to get their act together. I was so ready to leave. Once she got her shot (a very nice one, indeed), she snapped a few photos of the others. I opted not to have my tiredness captured in digital HD quality.

Then, as we tried to maneuver through the double-parked limos to catch a cab, I realized that I was going the wrong way. I pulled a quick about face and found myself perilously close to being swallowed up by Paul Bates' enormous suit jacket as he made his way to one of the waiting limos.

We hopped a cab to midtown where we dropped off the PR gay and his friend.

PR Gay: "Hey, great to meet you! Definitely get my number from HulaHoop! We need to hang!"
Me: "Well, here's my card. It has my Facebook on it."
PR Gay: "Oh, I don't use Facebook..."

Say WHAT?!

Did I mention that I don't deal well with outdated technology? Yeah.

Still playing catch up to get your body in summer shape? Click here to check out TheBlackoutBlog Workout Log (your guide to personal fitness in 2011).