where to have public sex (La Demence Cruise Day 1)

On Sunday morning, we checked out of our hotel in Paris and hauled our bags through the Metro to Gare de Leon, the major train station for the TGV, France's high-speed train. The ride from Paris to Marseilles was an unremarkable 3 hours in relative comfort. We had first-class seats, but other than plugs and a tad more leg room, there wasn't much difference between those and the economy seats we had on the way back. The landscape outside of Paris looked very much like midwestern farmland whereas the south of France reminded me of the California dessert.

Our first taxi of the trip took us from the train station to the cruise terminal for about 25 euros. The first step of our check-in, dropping off our bags, was smooth and involved the cutest French guy stumbling through a welcome and instructions in English.

the Horizon will remember the name D. Kareem

After we set up our credit card account for the ship, we were amazed by how few people were in line. But then we got upstairs. The line had to be around 300 of the 1300 registered passengers, and it inched along at a glacial pace. Unfortunately, the fruit punch they sent the cute server through the line with wasn't spiked. It was nearly 2 hours before we stepped up to the desk to have our passports checked and to receive our ID cards for the ship.

On the bright side, by the time we got to our room, our bags were waiting for us.

By this point, I was pretty damn hungry, so we went to the ship map in our hall to find the buffet. Turns out, it was a 60-second walk from our cabin! Even better news when we got there: wine was only $2/glass and $8/bottle!

"Two rosés, please!"

I love France.

By the time our lunch was done, it was about time to head to the Welcome Party. Unlike most of the other parties planned for the ship, this one did not have a costume theme (and as much as a certain someone complained about having to check a bag, he certainly enjoyed the compliments we got on our costumes for the parties), so I threw on a speedo and my winningest smile.

what do you mean I can't bring my bottle to the pool! get me a plastic one, then!

Aside from the line to get IDs for the ship, this was the opportunity to make first impressions and to set the pace for the rest of the week. It was important to look great while keeping some mystery to reveal throughout the rest of the cruise. I chose the classic, reserved brief-cut speedo with Timbs and braided my hair.

At the party, we ended up chatting it up with a couple of Germans who invited us to dinner with them and their friends in the more formal restaurant (on a normal cruise, a jacket might be required, but on a gay cruise, a skank tank would suffice). We went to our rooms just long enough to change into actual clothes and went to the restaurant to look for our new acquaintances.

Here commenced an awkward mess. We came to the entrance, and there were 7 or 8 hosts waiting to seat passengers. We had to explain to them that we were meeting people who may have already been seated, and we wanted to look for them. The Germans were on the far side of the restaurant, and when we finally found them, the 6 of them were already seated at a table for 6. One of the guys we'd met at the party asked straight away if they could seat us at a bigger table, which they did quickly.

70% of the rest of the dinner took place in German. Luckily, the German who had asked for the bigger table talked in English with us a good bit, as did the couple next to us. But we definitely didn't feel a part of the group. So once the main course was done, we excused ourselves from the table to escape the awkwardness and to take a much needed power nap before the military party.

I can't understand a word you're saying... that makes it so much better.

After a blissful 30 (I refer to my power naps by their length), we got our outfits together and went back to the pool deck for the first themed party of the night. Much dancing occurred on the rim of the ,76m deep smaller pool as that was a platform that wasn't as crowded as the bench between the shallow pool and the DJ booth. Said bench and the stage with the DJ booth (maybe 20m apart) where the main dance floor where 80% of the party had crowded into. As I was dancing, I noticed a small dark object at the bottom of the pool and rolled my eyes, saying to Bohoken, "See, this is why we can't have nice things. Bitches already dropping things in the water."

Eventually, Bohoken was over it, so I walked with him back to the room. That's when I realized I didn't have my ID card. I'd stuffed it and the lanyard it came with in the pocket of my too-small-to-fully-cover-my-ass shorts without connecting the lanyard to a belt loop. I figured it had fallen out in one of the two places I'd been dancing at the party since I'd bought our last round of drinks (on the ship, you charge drinks on your ID card).

The ID card wasn't on the ground at either of my two dancing spots. That’s when I remembered the dark object at the bottom of the pool. Sure enough, when I looked closely, it was an ID card with a lanyard attached.

I'd braided my hair in a ponytail so that it would be wavy the next day, so when I saw that the pool was marked .76m deep (maybe 2.5 ft... which I only had to look up to verify), I knew it would require a head to be submerged to retrieve it. I showed Bohoken where the ID was, hoping he'd jump into action because he knows how much I don't like going into cold, chlorinated water. After about 3 seconds of his not doing so (at that point, I wasn't going to ask my 5'6 bf to do a deep underwater reach just to save my hair if he didn't volunteer himself), I got down on my hands and knees to prepare myself for the dunk. Another pause… nothing from Bohoken. I took a breath and plunged my head under. It took me a couple of grabs, but I was able to retrieve my ID without a problem.

I really don't do water.

Bohoken: "Babe! I didn't think you were going to dunk your head in the water! I thought you could reach!"

Me: "You have two assignments right now: get glasses and learn the metric system."

After drying off, changing clothes and tucking a very tired Bohoken into bed, I headed to the after party in the disco, which was still quite busy. I noticed a row of curtains on the far side of the dance floor with duct-tape arrows all pointing the same way. Those arrows, as it turned out, led to the entrance to the make-shift dark room, which had been mentioned in the cruise guide La Demence had emailed us beforehand.

Can we take a second to marinate on the fact that the company coordinating this cruse a) pointed out to patrons where to have public sex and b) negotiated this with the cruise company who had to explain this to their staff? This is why I love Europe.

I took a quick walk through the dark room (solely for journalistic purposes), and it was nothing exceptional until I got to the far side where there was some kind of hanging object. I really had no desire to stay back there long enough to figure it out what it was.

After a quick trip to Tel Aviv, I retuned to the disco (it was probably around 6) to find the party still notably populated.

that left hand is doing exactly what you think it is.

Did I mention the curtains for the dark room had been slowly falling throughout the night and were by this point completely on the floor? Did I mention that that hanging object in the dark room turned out to be a portable sling? Yeah.

Click here to check out Day 2.

Last year, I went on an Atlantis Cruise. Click here to check out my first day on the Allure with 5000 gay men.