“I’m sorry, sir. We have no XL.” (TheBlackoutBlog Does Asia, Day 2)

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I woke up the second day to a text from the Good Ambassador telling me that I could change my dollars for Filipino pesos for free at the Embassy. I just needed to drop my cash in an envelope for him to take. Turns out he'd left for the Embassy at 8am.  However, Niles told me that the driver would be back to pick up the envelope later (how is this my life?!). He also informed me that I had a 10am appointment with the Good Ambassador’s masseuse.

It was at that point that I decided to study for the foreign service exam  marry an ambassador  be grateful for this most fortunate situation.

My first massage ever (by a professional) took place on one of the guest beds, which was all good until she got to my upper back. Having my head turned while lying face down made it hurt on one side, but the rest of the massage was nice.

image from thechive.com

Niles: “Excuse me, Mr. Kareem? Sorry to interrupt, but the driver is here for the envelope to take to the Embassy…”

Massage: ruined! UGGGGGHHHHHH! (not)

By the time the masseur finished the whole back side of my body and then had me flip over for the front, it was at least an hour and a half long massage. And Niles had already had the sauna warmed up! I ditched the briefs I was wearing for the massage, grabbed a towel and shuffled across the pool deck in my robe. And just as I was reaching for the door to the sauna, it opened, and the Duchess of Luzon came out! A slight variation in timing, and that could have been a REALLY awkward encounter. But she stepped out for just enough time for me to get my towel situated before she joined me. Our conversation taught me that she worked in hospitality training, she had 2 adolescent kids from a very previous marriage, and she was about my age (the Good Ambassador is much closer to my parents’ age… baller!). She told me that we’d hit up a couple of shopping centers after I had lunch, for which she would not join me because she was on a diet.

Earlier, the chef on duty had asked what I’d like to eat, to which I responded, “Fish.” I have no idea what kind of fish she bought, how she seasoned it or what kind of sauce she used, but that was damn near the best fish I’ve ever had in my life! I cleaned my plate and went to get ready for the mall.

Niles: “Mr. Kareem! You still have dessert. We have apples!”

I was expecting an apple on a plate, perhaps quartered. What I got: thinly sliced apples presented on fine china. Wow.

First, we caught a cab to Market! Market! It was the first of several cabs I’d take that had no visible seatbelt apparatus in the back seat. As we approached the main entrance of the mall, we joined the line to go through the metal detectors. Security guards were lined up doing quick pat-downs as patrons entered. It wasn’t until the Dutchess of Luzon noticed that I was lined up behind her that she told me I had to join the other line, which was all male.

On the way in, I saw a comforting sign.

No firearms in this mall. No sir.

The mall was pretty crowded, but we were able to procure a sim card for my cousin’s pre-paid phone (which I was borrowing for my stay), a battery for my camera (because in my drunken mad rush to pack, I’d somehow misplaced the battery when I was opening the packaging), a box set of The Hunger Games books (for my parents’ Christmas present because electronic toys only last so long on trans-Pacific flights) and a bottle of Johnny Walker Green (my uncle’s a fan, and I didn’t have a chance to stop at the duty free shop).

The Dutchess of Luzon told me to stay put in the mall’s grocery store (because malls there have grocery stores) while she hunted down Red Bull for me. I happened to park myself right next to some sort of lechon restaurant. Lechon is a Filipino specialty: a pig roasted whole (head and all) and served in slices from the body with sauce on the side. The pigs head stared me down almost as much as the human passer’s by as I wondered how long the Dutchess of Luzon would take.

image from ourawesomeplanet.com

Our next stop was 168, which is a lot like Jamaica Avenue in Jamaica, Queens. Floors and floors of little shops and kiosks of cheap and discounted merchandise! And the worst wigs you’ve ever seen on any mannequins. Anything you could think to brand with Angry Birds, they sold (perfect gifts for my co-workers!). I found one shop that had "designer" underwear for 150 pesos (just under $4).

Me: “I don’t see sizes.”

Clerk: “They stretch!”

Me (pausing): “I’ll take 10.”

 I quickly found that Filipino sizes are drastically different from American sizes. I found the cutest pair of shorts in a medium. Perfect length and made my ass look great, but then I had to zip them up.

Me: “Could I get a large, please?”

Me (2 minutes later): “Do you have XL.”

Clerk: “I’m sorry, sir. We have no XL.”

Yup. I’m too fat for Philippine fashion.

Back at the Good Ambassador’s compound, I had time for a nap before he came home and we went to a birthday dinner party.

The Good Ambassador: “Now, this guy’s father owns [major corporation you've heard of]. He’s bringing in some French chef from a famous restaurant with a 6-month wait list to do a 7-course meal.”

Dutchess of Luzon: “Don’t mess up again and call his wife Nadine. That’s his first girlfriend. The wife is Sarah.”

The Good Ambassador: “I know. But that’s the 2^nd girlfriend’s name, too. [Off my reaction] Oh, it’s fine. They all know about each other. Hell, they might all be there.”

Something that The Good Ambassador had warned me about is that basketball is huge here. And all throughout the cocktail hour, men were asking me if I watched or played basketball. I wanted to respond, “The only sport I follow even vaguely is football because you can see their jock straps through their spandex when they’re in their 3-point stances.”

The host announced that he was “mixing everybody up to stimulate conversation.” This involved putting me, Dutchess of Luzon, the young Ukrainian fiancée of a very rich older man and his wife at the far end of the table and the men on his end. Truth be told: I think I lucked out with my placement.

As the courses came out, more and more varietals of wine lined up on the table. It was actually a struggle to keep up with all the “you must try this one” and the “are you ready to sample this one?” offers. But I managed.

image from greetingcarduniverse.com

As The Good Ambassador was just announcing our departure, the host insisted that we come to the roof deck. For his fireworks show. In his back yard. And I mean, this was like mini-Macy's, need-a-permit fireworks. I swear it went on for at least 5 minutes. Meanwhile the Indian guy, whom everyone was calling 5-6 (Indians were apparently notorious for making loans… they loan you 5, and you had to pay back the total plus 20%), had called up his brother in law and had me speak to him so that he could show me how to “really party in NYC!” 

It would bring me immense joy to get a drunk phone call from my brother in another time zone at 11am, but when people start wanting you to talk to strangers on the phone at a party, it's definitely time to go.

We stopped at Café M where a yuppy crowd was dancing to popular music and friends of The Good Ambassador (who were far from yuppy-aged) were getting bottle service. I was immediately asked what I wanted to drink and told it would be on one of the older guys’ tabs. It's a simple formula for surrounding yourself with young, beautiful women, and it worked like a charm.  

The Good Ambassador: “D. Kareem, these guys will show you a good time. Have a good night.”

There was another drink and a glass of wine (just as a favor to help empty the bottle they’d ordered) before we went to some club across the way. There may or may not be pictures of me somewhere stuffing a bottle of Absolut under my shirt. For some reason, that bottle came out before the Grey Goose.

Did I mention I woke up in my bed the next morning with my clothes and shoes still on? Yeah. 

Click here to check out Day 1 in Manila. 
Click here to check out Day 3 in Manila. 

Philippines too far? Click here to check out the time the Crew invaded Boston.

this is niiiiiiiiice! (TheBlackoutBlog Does Asia, Day 1)

My parents, being the sacrificing providers that they were, haven’t left North America since I was born. Mind you, I have an uncle who has been working for the Foreign Service for longer than I’ve been alive. I thought it was high time we, as a family, paid the Good Ambassador a visit to his current post: Manila, Philippines.

This suggestion, of course, had nothing to do with the mention of the ridiculous house, maids who wash your clothes as soon as they hit your bedroom floor, chefs on call, body guards, drivers and the Good Ambassador’s rumored celebrity status.

My mother’s response: “Well, now that y’all are grown and out of the house, I can finally afford to take the trip!”

image from homestretch-annie.blogspot.com

Manila's time is 13 hours ahead of us, and with my layover in Hong Kong, my travel time totaled 20 hours (JFK to HKG was 16, then another 2 to Manila). In coach. Luckily, my magnetic personality and winning smile (read: begging for an upgrade) got me moved to an exit row on a full flight.

Did I mention drinks on the plane were free? Yeah.

. o O (Lady. You have a Louis Vuitton-printed carryon. You’re sitting in coach. And we’re flying to China. You’re lucky they didn’t confiscate that shit before takeoff.)

The flight attendants handed us customs forms to fill out, and, of course, I had no idea what the Good Ambassador’s address was. I was sure that I’d be detained and cavity searched. By a woman. So when we landed, I put my iPod on a fun mix, plugged in my headphones and prepared to stand in the customs line for an hour or so.

As I walked off the plane, the Good Ambassador and two Filipino men, whom I’d get to know as Niles (the head butler) and Brutus (the head bodyguard) were standing at the gate. After exchanging greetings and introductions, I handed my bag and passport to Niles, and we walked out of an emergency exit, directly to a Suburban. Another 2 bodyguards opened the doors for us to climb into the back seat (and they made sure that I never once touched the handle of the door from either side of any car throughout my stay).

Waiting in the back-back seat was the Good Ambassador’s girlfriend, whom we will refer to as the Duchess of Luzon. She and The Good Ambassador were already ready to go to a dinner party at a friend’s house, but they were taking me home to shower and change. And believe me: after 20 hours of traveling, that splash of soap under the arms in Hong Kong’s airport was not cutting it!

It may seem a bit extravagant for a government employee to have a driver and security detail, but first you have to realize 3 things. First, Filipino traffic laws and signs are merely suggestions. For example, there is no penalty for drunk driving. Secondly, the demands of any foreign-service employee are rather insane. And as a top-level officer with events to plan and attend on top of his office duties (i.e., running a damn embassy), there’s really no time for domestic matters. Thirdly, he’s literally a celebrity there. But more on that later.

We fought through the traffic, trailing the advance Suburban’s flashing lights (which I would learn was his own security and not a civic escort) to The Good Ambassador’s Makati residence (in an urban area just outside Manila proper). It wasn’t until we got to the house that I realized there was a security Suburban behind us, too. As much as I wanted to take in the sprawling 1-story’s beautiful woodwork and landscaping, I pretty much got a chance to glance at the pool from the living room on my way to my bedroom (with private changing room and full bathroom). Since I didn’t know what to expect at the upcoming event, I threw on something conservatively stylish.

The Good Ambassador briefed me on the host: Filipino perfume mogul Joel Cruz. He’d made millions selling perfumes, soaps, lotions, linen sprays and other scented products to the masses out of over 400 outlets. Part of his stragegy was to get famous actors and musicians to sign on for their own signature scents under his brand (among them, Charise Pempengco… that Filipina teenager that was on Glee and Oprah and Ellen singing “And I’m Telling You” while throwing the mic in the air and catching it).

We pulled up to a hotel on the bay of downtown Manila and took the elevator up to one of the condo levels. The only way to describe what we saw when we walked into Joel’s front door: OVERTHETOP (all caps, all one word). Gold painted, textured walls with white detail and trim. Crystal chandeliers with disco ball-like mock icicles. A large white tree covered in white and silver ornaments, the likes of which I’ve never even seen (apparently, it was covered in 100 bills of dollars and euros before). A portrait of Michael Jackson in the corner!

Then I met Joel. The first things I noticed: his perfectly flat-ironed, jet-black, layered hair and his 6” heels. Then I realized that the portrait in the corner was not Michael Jackson.

Oh, and there was a band. Now, this condo was a bit larger than an uptown New York City 2 bedroom (his living room was longer and wider than my large living room). And in this space, with about 15 of us at 2 tables, he had a catering staff that was about the size of the guest list and a four-piece band.

And that champagne was easily the best I’ve ever had. I would have asked him the brand, but let’s be real: I couldn’t afford an eye-dropper.

image from manila.olx.com.ph

It was mostly Joel’s family and senior officers from his company there. Everyone was extremely friendly, and they all wanted to know how I was finding the Philippines so far.

“Well, I just got off the plane an hour ago, but this is niiiiiiiiice!”

It wasn’t until we sat down at the table that the professional photographers came around. There was quite a bit of stopping between bites to pose, but luckily, the Good Ambassador and Joel, on the far side of the table from me, had most of the photo ops.

It was a beautiful, traditional Filipino meal, most of which I spent talking to Joel’s COO. The whole table had a good laugh when he explained to me what balut was.

Another (very good looking) guest arrived in the middle of dinner, Ronnie Liang. Joel informed me that he’s a popular singer and an endorser of his brand. Ronnie and I talked music a bit (did I mention I used to write pop music?) before he hooked up his backing track and sang “Sway” for us.

Ronnie didn't stay long, which was a good thing because another one of Joel's friends showed up after, started singing with the band and somehow convinced me (after 20 hours of traveling and no warming up) to sing with the band as well. That's definitely not on film.

After a few more glasses of champagne photos by the tree, the Good Ambassador, the Dutchess of Luzon and I said our farewells and piled into the Suburban caravan back to Makati.

Did I mention I hadn’t even been in the country for 6 hours yet? Yeah.


Click here to check out Day 2 in Manila. 


Did I mention that I love traveling to foreign lands? Click here to check out my first night from my trip to Oz (aka Australia). 

RECAPTION: Ru Paul's Drag Race Season 4, Ep 4

On this episode, the girls came in to see newly ousted The Princess’s lipstick message on the mirror. It’s not clear which queen dated herself with the Super Mario allusion: “I’m sorry, but The Princess is in another castle.”

Ru Paul came in to introduce this week’s mini-challenge, which involved dressing up for a mugshot. But there were a few curveballs: you had a partner whose makeup you had to prepare, and you were handcuffed to said partner. Willam and Madame LaQueer were paired together, and Willam told LaQueer that they should splash blue paint all over each other. I wasn’t the only one who didn’t get it at first.

to quote Jiggly: "They both looked like they swallowed the Smurfs."

When they got in front of the camera, Willam gave Ru a hint before she figured it out.

Willam: “We robbed a bank.”

Ru: “Oh! It’s the exploding dye pack!”

Very clever, Willam. Clever enough for them to win the mini-challenge and be appointed team captains.

Sidenote before we move on: where is Sharon from that a Confederate flag swimsuit is okay? On a show hosted by a black judge from the South?! That’s an ill informed decision at best. On the other hand, Chad Michaels’s runny crying makeup was great, and Latrice with her blacked out teeth and the tit out was enough to keep anyone on the straight and narrow!

For their challenge, they were charged with filming a scene for a fake sitcom It’s Always Hot in Tuckahoe (for reference, Tuckahoe is an actual town in upstate NY). They brought in Max Mutchnick, co-creator of Will and Grace to direct and help judge.

It became clear quite early that Madame LaQueer wasn’t the best leader. For the role of the butch lesbian guard, she cast Kenya, the most fishy queen on the show! And when Kenya stumbled over the lines because of her English, it was Sharon Needles who helped her out. It was obvious that LaQueer was trying to sabotage her fellow Puerto Rican queen (still sore from last week?). She was also bragging about her theater experience. Unfortunately, sitcom acting is quite different theater acting. Also, that accent (on top of her Puerto Rican accent): horrendous!

"She's gotta go."
"Kill her?"
"Drop a house on her."

The other group was much more appropriately cast. I mean, Latrice Royale was the obvious choice for the prison guard just from her build, but her time in prison gave her that much more insight into the role.

Jiggly: “What the fuck is horticulture?!”
Everyone: “It's the study of plants.”

Jiggly's reaction was clear acknowledgement that this was clearly a basic word she didn’t know how to define.

While Willam’s group seemed like a damn dream team, Jiggly ended up having a good bit of trouble in front of Ru Paul and Max Mutchnick. But the most noticeable thing for me was when Max had Latrice play up the big, sassy, black woman role with Latrice. It was just so expected and really highlighted how that whole TV sitcom world really plays on stereotypes and caters to the lowest common denominator.

Madame LaQueer’s team’s rehearsal didn’t go nearly as smoothly. Between Sharon Needle’s talking back to Max (but was he really that disturbed by the word “fuck”? Really Max?!), Milan’s acting to the sky and… well, whatever it was that Kenya was doing, it really was a mess. Dita Ritz, however, was a natural. To me, she didn’t seem that far off from what she was doing with her Stepford Wives scene last week with the infomercial, but I guess she's more a sitcom queen. 

But I almost spit out my Riesling when I saw Sharon Needles in that beaver costume!

"And yet I still look better than Jiggly's post-apocalyptic outfit!"

I have to say, I got what Milan was doing, and I totally appreciated it. But I guess it wasn’t sitcom. And my heart hurt for her when the only aside that they did with Max was to bash the trained actor. 

Madame LaQueer was shockingly bad. When Max was trying to get her to do a Lucille Ball “eeeewwwwwww”, she really just couldn’t grasp what Max was saying. While she was very animated, I get the feeling she was doing more Spanish telenovela than American sitcom.

As the queens were getting ready for their runway, Sharon Needles tried to come clean about throwing Phi Phi under the bus in the previous runway (you know, when she said Phi Phi was a poor leader). And just as I was expecting from her previous bitchy outbursts, she didn’t even let Sharon finish what she had to say. At that point, to me, she deserved every insult Sharon Needles hurled. But “Go back to Party City where you belong!” was a pretty fucking awesome zinger from Phi Phi! Then again, Phi Phi’s look is pretty 20 years ago.

For the runway, comedian Nicole Sullivan joined Max as a guest judge. I used to love her on Mad TV growing up!

Runway looks that suck out to me:

• Dita’s runway look seemed very simple. Too simple. It needed more… everything.

• Madame’s dress was pretty stunning. I loved the shiny fabric of the full skirt.

• Chad Michael’s looked like a mix of renaissance and Dynasty. Not sure it was red carpet material, but I couldn’t take my eyes off it!

 • Jiggly was much more “Brooklyn prom” than red carpet (not that I didn’t like it).

 • I fell in love with Milan’s gold!

 • Sharon’s makeup didn’t do it for me, but pulling the pen out to sign the autograph was too cute.

• All of the looks except for Jiggly’s seemed very dated to me. 

"Michelle, please! You wouldn't last 20 minutes at Brooklyn prom!"

When it came time to show the scenes from the sitcoms, Madame LaQueer’s team’s scene was pretty hilarious. Again, I got what Milan was doing, and I think it worked.

With Willams team, Chad Michaels as an older woman was much more appropriate than the valley girl she tried to play last week. Jiggly was actually pretty good in the end except for her delivery of that last line. Latrice was the star, of course (she won the challenge!). And as much as I hate playing to stereotypes, that extra neck roll at the end was pretty funny.

When they announced that her team won, Willam was the only one that had no reaction. I think she knew she wasn’t going to win the overall challenge herself. I was surprised to see that their whole team was safe.

My heart went out to Dita when she got called out for the ashy legs. Like… that was really bad. And under bright lights, too shiny can look ashy, but the later close-up they did looked like straight up dry skin. 

Sharon Needles had a really great moment right after Ru said she was safe. She said she’d work on taking direction. It became a bit more clear why she was always so defensive, especially in the context of how she interacted with the other queens.

The shocker of the night: Madame LaQueer, even after all the criticism, thought she didn’t deserve to be up for elimination!

The lip synch came down to Milan and LaQueer, and as soon as Milan pulled out her black lip gloss it was clear that she wasn’t going home. And, as Ru later said, “Milan swiffered her way across the stage to safety!”

"SPLINTER!"

The Untucked special was all over the place this week. The winning team was sent to the Interior Iluuuuusions Lounge. I died when Chad pointed out that after Michelle Visage said that she hated green Madame LaQueer showed up to the runway in a lime dress! The shade!

Chad is either getting fed lines or is just a natural reality producer’s dream because every week, she brings up some drama for discussion (while saving her reputation with viewers by not getting drawn into it). So Phi Phi talked about her confrontation with Sharon Needles. God, I was so over her!

The winning team got their Peek-A-Ru message and was sent to the Gold Bar for their weekly surprise. This week, it was their mug shots! After the Phi Phi/Sharon drama, it was nice comic relief.

When the losers migrated into the Interior Illuuuuusions Lounge, Madame LaQueer’s delusions continued. And Dita shared her explanation for her legs: too much bronzer. Riiiiight.

To the tune of Nasty Girl: "Ashy put some losh-on, I told ya!"

As if we weren’t all gushing with love for Latrice Royale, we got to hear about her tragic coming out story. She fist-fought her brother (presumably not in drag), she walked 5 miles to a friend’s house, and she left her home state, never looking back.

Over in the Lounge, Sharon was responding to a question about her fight with Phi Phi. Just as she was sayng, “Tired ass over painted showgirl.”  Phi Phi walked in with the other queens from the Gold Bar. Timing was a bit too perfect, if you ask me.

So of course, they got into it again, but they were much more civilized this time. When Phi Phi finally broke it down, how she helped Sharon with her look and lines and reassured her that she’d done a great job, it seemed like she really was a great team leader after all. Sharon really didn’t come out of that situation looking so great. Who wants to bet that Ru Paul will ask about this conflict at the end of a future show’s runway?

Memorable Quotes:

“It must be 5 o’clock somewhere because you got the shadow.” –Ru Paul

“Everybody makes mistakes, but bitch, you betta look sickening when you get up. Sickening! And make them eat it.” –Latrice Royale

“Go back to Party City where you belong.” –Phi Phi
(It was so good I had to list it twice!)

“Jesus is a beesqueet [biscuit].” –Kenya

“Girl! Milan is dancing circles around you and swiffered the floor with his taint!” –Willam

“You was Bernie Mack in a dress!” –Willam

“You’re giving family value pack Costco queen!” –Willam

“5 Gs please: Good God Get a Grip, Gril!” –Latrice

“You opened up the book; I’m gonna read you down the house.” –Phi Phi

“You look like you probably got fucked over a moonshine barrel.” –Willam

“Do you tuck?... Is that a 1 man job? ‘Cause you look like you could have a lot of lady down there.” –Willam

Click here to check out my recaption to RPDR Ep 4.3


Click here to check out my recaption to RPDR Ep 4.5

And don't y'all love that Latrice Royale won a cruise! Click here to check out a story from my gay cruise.

RECAPTION: Ru Paul's Drag Race Season 4, Ep 3

On this episode, Ru Paul introduced the queens to transgender YouTube sensation Piyah Martell. When they showed a montage of her YouTube clips, I wondered why she was always shot from a sort of MySpace angle from above. Turns out she was born with Caudal regression syndrome that stunted development of her legs.

For the mini-challenge, the queens had to design a butterfly-themed headdresses (since Piyah calls her fans butterflies). Of course, this had to happen in a ridiculously short amount of time.

"Yesssssssssssss!"

Jiggly, Phi Phi and Kenya were together in a group, and their headdress shined above the rest, exuding true drag queen flair. But I died when it was Milan and Latrice Royale’s turn to show their headdress. The camera did a close-up of a headband with a piece of ribbon sticking to it. I almost didn’t notice that they attempted to actually use their butterflies (but they’d fallen off).

“The basis of making the headdress is to make sure you can actually wear it…We failed.”

Phi Phi and Kenya were chosen as team captains, and, once again, the big girls were left for last, Phi Phi choosing Jiggly penultimately. When Madame LaQueer went for the “It’s all good, girl” high 5 with her fellow Puerto Rican queen, Kenya totally dissed her!

The task for this mini-commercial was to make an infomercial for Ru Paul’s albums, Champion and Glamazon, which had to be prepared and ready to film in an hour and a half. As usual, there was plenty of tension with said preparations. As the queens planned their looks, Sharon Needles looked truly hurt when Phi Phi snapped, “Just put some white paint on your face and look gothic. That’s all we need you to do.”

Meanwhile, Milan decided she was going to try to “help” Kenya because of some perceived language barrier. Now, I never saw Kenya ask for help from Milan, but I did see Milan cutting Kenya off while she was trying to give ideas and directions. Even when Ru asked “Kenya, are you in charge here or is Milan?” Milan was the one to answer that they were sharing the leadership.

Damn, girl! It’s not like she can’t speak English. Let the queen talk!

There was a bit of a moment when Sharon Needles explained her angle to Ru. Sharon wanted to bring an “alternative” flair to her individual segment for those who thought Ru’s music was “too dancey”. Ru gave a how-dare-you look, and left her with the I’m-watching-you side eye.

"Who you finna try!"

Michele Visage and Ru Paul directed the infomercial shoot. Kenya’s team rocked it with their AWESOME 80s looks! The Princess really struggled with her lines, and she came across pretty emotionless when she was in front of the camera. Kenya’s leopard outfit with the bones was the perfect complement to her over-the-top and outrageous presentation. The judges loved it, too! Phi Phi really went for the Mexican stereotype but came out looking like a less funny “Lita and Melina” (I used to love them on Mad TV!). Jiggly went the Asian stereotype route, just like Manila Luzon and Jujubee (and Onjina?) did before her. Stereotypes are a bit uncomfortable for me, but even less so when they’re not done particularly cleverly or well. ‘Twas the case here.

Sharon Needles really seemed to receive a lot of hard critiques in front of the camera which made me think that she should have shrugged off Phi Phi’s leadership and prepped something more inventive for her individual segment. Dida Ritz’s Stepford Wives schtick also didn’t do so well in front of the judges.

They edited out the filming of the few of the queen’s individual segments.

When Ru Paul came out for the elimination, I kept thinking about Ghostbusters with that hair! But I did love it as well as the rest of her look.

"I got your ectoplasmic residue!" 

The guest judges were the most exciting for me yet: Glee’s Amber Riley (who did that oh-so-common awkward laugh that all the guest judges do when they don’t know how to respond to Ru’s greetings) and Natalie Cole! I wish one of them could have joined Ru to direct the queens’ shoot!

One problem I’ve had with the show is that they almost never tell us what the looks for the runway are supposed to be! We always have to wait til the judges are giving their final critiques to be sure. But this week, it was gold and platinum (a nod to Ru Paul’s album sales).

Looks that stuck out to me:

• Milan’s really knows how to work that skinny bitch look. Loved the Diana Ross hair.

• Chad Michaels’s look was extremely simple with a stunning silhouette. The painted forehead was a nice touch.

• Willam looked amazing. She was showing a lot of nipple to be a gender illusionist.

• Sharon Needles looked stunning for Sharon Needles. But her look wouldn’t have stuck out for me if this were the first time I saw her and I didn’t know how radically different it was from her usual style.

• The judges had trouble finding what the hell to say about Madame LaQueer as she teetered down the runway in her tiny heels. It was an awkward look.

• The Princess rocked her shaved head with no wig. Her makeup was amazing!

• I loved Jiggly’s look, especially her shades and hair!

• Latrice’s blonde and gold was a knockout. That short dress! Those hooker boots! Watch that walk!

Finally, they showed the two infomercials.

Team Champion!

As for Phi Phi’s group, Chad Michaels and The Princess in their opening dialogue came off rather awful to me. It seemed they weren’t committing enough to the over-acting (especially Chad’s fading in and out of the Valley girl accent). And given The Princess’s personality, she was an easy target to set up to fail by having her do extra dialogue. Milan, in her solo segment, was close to conveying her character compellingly. Madame LeQueer’s go-with-the-Spanish vibe was reminiscent of Alexis Mateo’s video to the troops, but Madame’s mix of Spanish and English didn’t come off nearly as polished on camera. Now, I could barely understand Kenya, but her individual segment was the most compelling in the group. Willam’s over-acting was under-cooked. And The Princess was just painful to watch on camera.

Phi Phi and Sharon Needle’s characters didn’t mesh at all in their opening dialogue. Jiggly’s solo section was disappointing especially since her dancing didn’t shine. Dida Ritz’s section wasn’t as bad as I thought it would be from her interaction with the judges. I thought it read quite well, but its succinctness probably helped. Latrice Royale brought it. Totally! Phi Phi’s performance really just wasn’t impressive. Her stereotype Latina after editing came off exactly like it did when she was filming. Sharon Needles felt the most committed to a persona. The judges gave her shit for not being funny while they were on set, but she did her thing.

Team Glamazon! 

I usually don’t agree with Michelle Visage’s critiques, but when she told Madame LaQueer (regarding her runway look), “The green reminds me of fungus.” I was right there with her! But when Michelle said that Madame’s individual segment included “a little bit too much Spanish,” the wording came off slightly bigoted. Her whole speech could have been in Spanish with a different delivery and worked better.

Um, Santino. You thought Chad Michaels was an “amazing” actress?! Well, I guess when you’re used to working with malnourished models.

Natalie Cole, who had hepatitis C, addressed Sharon Needles’s name, commenting (with a laugh) that it went over hear head at first. Talk about an awkward moment! 

Sharon Needles and Kenya ended up being judges’ favorites, and I totally agreed with their selection of Sharon as the winner. Princess, Madame LaQueer and Dida Ritz ended up on the bottom. That wasn’t as clear for me, but I could understand. Madame LaQueer seemed to be surprised that she was safe. But not as surprised as Jiggly, whose mouth hit the floor in those shades!

. o O (I can't believe that big bitch is still here!)

When The Princess and Dida had to lipsynch for their lives, Dida really worked the stage in the lip sync. The Princess barely got any camera time! I just knew The Princess was going home.

I was sad to see The Princess go (she was such a hot boy!), but I don’t think her drag was right for this competition.

During the Untucked special, Phi Phi stated that she thought she did extremely well in the challenge. She was mighty cocky about herself in my opinion. Milan also thought she bought it during the challenge. The conversation then turned to her group’s leadership. When Milan said that she stepped up because no on else would, Willam literally called bullshit. Milan’s response: she gave a mouth full of uncharacteristic shade! And when Willam said that Milan should talk to her on her on her level, Milan responded by getting down on her knees, quipping, “because you’re so beneath me at this moment.” Wow. And she’s usually so nice!

"AND ya shoes ain't that fly!"

And through all that tension, Latrice just sat there rocking with her fan and giving reactionary “oo”s and “mm”s! She kills me!

"Chiiiiiile..."

As usual, Ru had a surprise for the safe girls in the gold room. This time, it was a video from Jiggly’s brother. PS, it was the anniversary of her mother’s death. When I saw Jiggly go past the point of ugly cry, I wondered about the ethics behind rehashing that for the show. But it turned out to be a positive experience that comforted her at a difficult time.

That Absolut cocktail must have been quite comforting, too, because Jiggly sucked the rest of it down right after she recovered from the video!

When the other girls went into the Interior Iluuuuusions Lounge, The Princess confronted Sharon on Sharon’s opinion of The Princess’s voice. Sharon later said that she wouldn’t critique another queen’s drag expression, to which The Princes retorted “You said it. There’s no right or wrong. So why does it matter what kind of voice that I have?” They really got into it, and it ended up with Sharon basically saying that her opinion was her opinion, and she should be able to state it.

But Sharon brought up a good point: we’re in a competition… I like you, but somebody’s gotta go home.

Memorable quotes:

“I’m going for the gold, baby! Jackie Joiner Kursey has nothing on me!”

“I think I see her pink Cadillac!” –Ru Paul

“She’s serving some R2D2 realness! C3P-HO!” –Ru Paul

“In space, no one can hear you, queen!” –Ru Paul

“Like a nightmare come true.” –Sharon Needles

“Take a sip! Because you need to Absolut-ly need to shut up!” –Milan

“You’re so hammy, I wanna glaze you and put pineapple chunks on you.” –Sharon Needles

Click here to check out my recaption to RPDR Ep 4.2.
Click here to check out my recaption to RPDR Ep 4.4.


Click here to check out my trip to Melbourne, Australia. 

Jay-Z Rocks Carnegie Hall on 2.7.12

“Hey, Kareem. This is Uncle Warbucks. I got a Super Bowl surprise for you. Call me back ASAP.”

Dad’s brother is a CEO, and gets all kinds of invites to crazy events that we mortals only dream of. I could only image what he had up his sleeve the day after the big game.

Uncle Warbucks: “So, [your aunt, my sons and I] are on our way back from the Super Bowl now. But I wanted to see if you wanted to take my tickets to this Jay-Z concert tonight at Carnegie Hall.”

"Thank you! You're far too kind!"

Um, HELL YES!

Jay-Z was doing a concert as a benefit for the United Way, and it was the first hip-hop concert by a solo artist at Carnegie Hall. Ever. Our invites included an open-bar reception beforehand and access to Jay-Z’s 40 40 club after.

Keep in mind that this is a major charity event (the reception was for tickets priced $1500 and up) and a rap concert, so you can understand MicHELLe's and my confusion over what the hell to wear to such an event. But as soon as we walked into the reception around 7, we saw that we weren’t the only ones facing this conundrum.

After some amazing hors d'oeuvres, fruity drinks and even better people watching, we took the woman walking through the room with a mini-xylophone playing an arpeggiated major chord as a sign that the concert was about to start.

"If I ruled the world..."

Me: “Um, that’s a full symphony orchestral set-up…”

The orchestra (conducted by a slim, glamourous looking black woman) walked out to applause that wasn’t nearly long enough for them to take their positions.

When Jay came out in his tux with white jacket, it was absolute magic. The man loves performing.

The crowd went crazy when he brought out surprise guests Alicia Keys and Naz. ?uestlove held down the percussion in the band. 

We went to check out the 40 40 after party, but even with the invite, we had to stand in the back of a LOOONG line. So we went to Barracuda instead.

Did I mention that I shook hands with LIZA FUCKING MINNELLI at the pre-reception (who knew she was a Jay fan)?! YEEEEEEEEEEEES!

Click here to check out that one time I went to a Beyoncé concert.

RECAPTION: Ru Paul's Drag Race Season 4, Ep 2

The opening of the second episode was some impressive foreshadowing for a reality show. When queens came in and saw Alisa’s message on the mirror (after she’d been eliminated), one of the queens asked, “Who wants to trade Jiggly for Alisa?” Every queen (it seemed) raised their hands and laughed. More on that later.

LaShauwn Beyond was dubbed the silent killer because the queens thought she’d win the challenge with her outfit. But she had no personality. Womp womp.

Ru Paul’s mini-challenge for the queens was to construct an ass from different forms of padding. The results were quite the spectacle, and PhiPhi O’Hara, Willam and Chad Michaels’ bottoms came out on top. The best thing about this mini-challenge: the impromptu half-drag looks.

Girl, it's 5'oclock GST, and you still haven't had time to shave?!

When it was time for the winners to choose their teams for the drag queen wrestling challenge, Jiggly and Madame LaQueer were the last 2 to be picked. This made no sense to me because Ru said she wanted “over the top wrestling characters”. Given Miss Beyond’s criticisms last week, I wouldn’t depend on her to create any kind of character. But maybe there was some truth to them wanting to send Jiggly home.  Madame LaQueer hasn’t made much of an impression on me this season, but her injured ankle is definitely a worry factor for these physical challenges.

Can we have a short conversation about how I NEED to be in a ring in spandex with those wrestling instructors! Logo (because I know y’all are reading), were they gay wrestlers?!

(Then again, they spend all night all sweaty trying to pin down men in underwear… if a few drinks doesn’t do the trick, I don’t know what will!)

Notice how Ru went right after the weakest link when she did her workroom checkins, asking LaShauwn to demonstrate her wrestling persona. Shade!

The first match was LaShauwn Beyond and Phi Phi O’Hara vs Latrice Royale and Kenya Michaels. I thought they had the best opening skit, and I loved the costumes for the whole group. They looked the most like two unified teams. Phi Phi and Kenya’s slapping match was a hoot, and Kenya slapping Phi Phi with the powder puff… as bitchy as Phi Phi’s been, that was definitely a satisfying crunch!

"Bitch, you're not supposed to hit me for real!" 

Dida and Willam vs Jiggly Caliente and The Princess was the second match.  Their skit was lacking, and Princess was NOT bringing it with the acting (which surprised me, mostly because I thought she was Sharon Needles with that wig). The costumes didn’t feel coordinated either, though I do like Willam’s Dallas-Cowboys-cheerleader-gone-red look.

Last was Sharon Needles and Milan vs Chad Michaels and Madame LaQueer. Chad was giving dangerously close to giving me 80s rocker, hair metal dude with that look. I loved Madame LaQueer’s huge boobs! Their opening skit wasn’t as good as the first but was better than the second overall. I had mixed feelings about making the big girl the unintelligible animal, but Chad and Madame’s evil team high five at the end of the skit was pretty damn fierce.

When Ru Paul came out for the elimination in that dress, I wanted to hit her with a bat and collect the candy off the ground!

¡Cover Chica!

Looks that stuck out to me from the girly-girl runway presentation:

Kenya Michaels was giving me so much Lil Kim. And NOT Nicki Minaj.

I adored LaShauwn Beyond’s Bubble gum.

Sharon Needles “beauty” look looked well intentioned, but something was just OFF.

Milan made so little impression.

Madame LeQureer: lovely from head to toe.

Loved Chad Michael’s dress was hot, but that was about it.

The Princes: Shoulders! Skirt! Windblown hair! But she looked old!

Latrice Royale’s DRESS! Gorgeous color on her! But what’s up with her light foundation?!

Willam’s stomach was HOT! But I was lukewarm on the look. And I wasn’t living for the walk.

While I didn’t agree with Chad Michaels’ team winning the wrestling challenge, I felt like she and Madame LaQueer were the most memorable pair. And from the judges’ critiques, there seemed to be a lot we couldn’t see with the editing for the show.

Notice how she said NOTHING to Willam besides “You’re safe.”

LaShauwn didn’t deserve to be in the bottom two with The Princess from what I could see, but my money was on her in the lip synch.

"Bye bye, queen!"
"Girl, get your shoes and get off my damn stage!"

During said lip synch, LaShauwn’s dress dominated that stage. But The Princess was right: if your shoes come off, you need to do some serious acrobatics.

In the end, LaShauwn, who they thought would win the challege last week, ended up chasseing away. Really, for me… Dida should have gone home.

PS, that last shot of Willam just highlighted how fucking awkward she is!

The Untucked special started out a bit slow, but after the winning team went into the Interior Iluuuuusions Lounge, I really wanted to hear what Jiggly had said about Sharon Needle’s boyfriend.

After a commercial break, we found out that Jiggly said that two drag queens dating was “disgusting.” Turns out Sharon’s boyfriend is a drag performer, and Jiggly had said this right after she found out about Sharon’s boyfriend.

Then Ru surprised Sharon with a video from Sharon’s boyfriend Alaska. It was so goddamn precious! She seems like a fierce entertainer. But is she schizophrenic? Why is Sharon so worried about her “health” and her “sanity”?

So, out on the stage with the non-winning drag queens, Ru asked who they thought should go home. The girls ALL went after Jiggly, which is pretty understandable since her personality is damn extreme. And as much as I love her presentation, I can see why the other girls don’t like her (and it seems a lot of that got edited out, too). I have to wonder if she’s ever been confronted with her personality issues as directly as in this situation with the other drag queens. Props to Latrice for breaking the ice with that whole conversation when they came back to the Lounge. She’s definitely the mother of the group, and that southern accent is the icing on the cake!

"Girl, you got 12 sisters who love you so much we want to send you home!" 

And even bigger props to Chad Michaels for talking about her struggles with plastic surgery. It really is nothing to try to bootleg, and it can literally be a matter of life and death. Every aspiring drag performer in the country is probably watching this show, and her testimony is important for everyone to hear.

Meanwhile back in the lounge, Jiggly’s intervention continued. Ladies, why are we yelling at Jiggly? I mean, Phi Phi was saying stuff that Jiggly needed to hear, but the delivery was all off! And Dida was yelling too! But when I saw Latrice raise her voice (and still say loving, relatable things to her), I knew the tension in the room around Jiggly was major! They were probably just trying to be heard.

And as much as I was rooting for Jiggly last week, homegirl really disappointed me with how she handled Sharon Needles’ confrontation. It just bled of ignorance. Just like she’d be livid if someone said something disparaging about Filipinos and then turned around and said, “I meant Filipinos in general, not you specifically. Don’t take it so personally!” Get it together, girl!

Oh, and wasn't WTF the perfect wrestling acronym for this episode, but what could it stand for? Leave your answer in the comments! 

Memorable Quotes:

“Princess is giving closed captioning while [Jiggly’s] in stereo.” –Willam

“She was going for Sex and the City, and it was more like sex in the alley.”

“Well, I’m not gonna turn that down either.”

“Your Sex and the City couture did not deserve a sequel.” –Ru Paul

Fine, fine! I'll take off my heels next to you!

“To do the whole song with no shoes. And closed-toed pantyhose! Like a web-footed duck! LaShauwn’s drag mother is gonna read him…” –Willam

Click here to check out my recaption for RPDR Ep 4.1
Click here to check out my recaption for RPDR Ep 4.3

Click here to check out my adventures on my first gay cruise!